𝐋𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐌𝐲 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐝
ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ
𝘢 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳
𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝘆

𝐈𝐭'𝐬 been a week since Noah fled to her girlfriend's house for refuge. Derek hasn't necessarily forgiven her, but he decided to bargain with her. Of course, that meant a few rules for each of them.

Derek made a promise to let Noah have pieces of her old life back in exchange for one month of therapy. Three times a week, two meetings at the apartment, and one in Dr. Stephenson's office. That way, she can get the intensive care she needs while feeling comfortable, but it also allows her to step outside for some fresh air. She also bargained on two runs with Aaron each week as long as five agents were there for backup.

The first week went by smoothly. There were hardly any hiccups and Doyle has kept his distance, or so they're assuming. The agents assigned to Noah's protection haven't seen anything suspicious. Noah has adjusted to the schedule nicely. She enjoys her runs with Aaron, but Derek is concerned that the only reason she's doing better is because she's running off the high of seeing Jess.

But she hasn't slowed down. She's still stuck in bed until she can't be, even taking some of her therapy sessions under the covers with Dr. Stepehenson sitting at her desk. But today is different. She's sat on the familiar couch in the doctor's office and he's sitting opposite her with his pencil in hand.

"How are you?" he asks.

"Fine," she replies. Good, but not great—her mother is still dead.

"Can we dig a little deeper?"

"I'm doing good on the schedule. Derek would still like me to get out of bed more, but I'm still trying to adjust."

"Adjust to..."

"Life without my mother."

"You're still trying to accept it."

"Yeah," Noah nods and curls her knees up to her chin. "But I don't really know how to do that."

"There are plenty of ways that you can have support through this time," he states. "There's your friends and family—"

"I'm banned from seeing my friends by the FBI and I don't have any family except for my mother's team, who terrify me now because I know they can end up the same way she did."

"What about a support group?"

"Support group?"

"A group of teens who are going through the same thing as you."

Noah shakes her head and sighs softly. "I don't know. It'd have to be approved by the team and the brass and...I don't even know if I wanna do that. I don't really like to talk about things like that with my peers. And no one there would really be going through what I'm going through."

"I'm not saying you have to do it, but I want you to understand that you're not alone," Dr. Stephenson says as he puts his pencil down. "You have Derek, who lives with you, and Penelope, who visits you every day. You have your runs with Aaron. And the rest of the team isn't off limits from my understanding of the witness protection. But you have to open up to them. They're there, waiting for you to talk, you just have to do it."

Noah allows her thoughts to stay internal as she remembers her visions of her father.

"What are you scared of?"

"I'm scared that I'm crazy," she whispers, her voice shaky. "I feel like I'm losing my mind."

"That's okay, though," he assures her. "It's okay to lose your mind. It's okay to go crazy and lose yourself, just as long as you come back."

"But what if I don't come back?"

"That's up to you. But there's an army of people who will be waiting for you with open arms. In the meantime, there are ways that you can slowly accept Emily being gone that don't involve others."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like when someone feels better about losing a loved one who was sick because they know they're not in pain anymore."

Noah nods softly and thinks to herself for a moment.

"She's with her Dad, who she loved, but lost so young. In my head, I see the afterlife like it's a dream; anything can appear. So she's eating all the takeout she wants, watching movies, rereading all her favorite books, learning random languages. Doing all the things she'd do if she had all the time in the world, which she has now."

"Do you think she's happy?"

"I don't know."

"What do you not know?"

"I don't know if I believe in ghosts or them haunting people, living amongst us. If I did, I guess maybe she would be happy. She could see all of us, and listen to our voices. But if not, then I don't know. Emily was such a determined person, I'm not sure if she would have really wanted it all to be over, no matter how scared or sad or angry she was."

"So instead of Emily being gone and you not being able to be with her, you can focus on seeing that positive perception," Dr. Stephenson explains. "We can change the outlook. In much lighter terms, let's walk through it like this. I love to play basketball, but I hurt my shoulder, so I can't play basketball anymore. I still love basketball and watch games on TV and back professional players, but I can't play anymore. But I found out that I can play soccer since I don't have to use my shoulder as much. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Noah tries not to be offended by comparing her grief to not being able to play a sport anymore. She tries to understand the analogy, but all of her thinking is done in her head.

"You've lost Emily, there's no denying that. And no one is expecting you to move on easily or ever at all. What you can do is find ways to remember her that aren't harmful to your mental health while still finding things to fill that void. You talked about feeling like there's a hole in your life, well, fill it. There can be a healthy balance between remembering your mother and moving on."

"What do people fill it with?" Noah asks. "I can't find a new mother."

"Sometimes, people find it fulfilling to achieve something they know their lost one wanted for them. Or something you want for yourself while keeping in the back of your mind that this is what Emily would have wanted for you. To be happy, healthy, achieving things," the doctor goes on as Noah listens intently, nodding along. "But you also don't need to push away other maternal or parental relationships. You can trust Derek or Penelope or Aaron to be there for you in the way you trusted Emily, but that does not mean you're replacing Emily. You owe it to yourself to have those relationships and they can be very vital to your healing journey and beyond that as well."

"Okay," Noah nods, approving of the words.

"I want to give you some homework."

"Great," she groans as she rolls her eyes.

"It'll be good for you," he assures her.

"What is it?"

"I want you to write a letter to your mother—"

"What?"

"I want you to write a letter to your mother," he repeats. "Tell her everything you wish she knew, ask her questions, tell her how you feel. Be honest, harsh, open."

"And then never send it?" she asks.

"Get your feelings out in words. You always express your emotions by letting them out in anger but set straight how you feel. Put it into the best words possible. No one has to see it, no one has to read it. Just write."

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘺
𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗼 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗸

Noah wipes the sweat from her forehead before bending down and putting her hands on her knees. Her chest moves up and down fast with sweat dripping down her neck. She takes a moment to breathe, steadying her heart rate and checking her little digital watch for the time.

"You lost some stamina," Aaron says as he hands her a water bottle.

Noah takes it and stands up straight. "Well, I've been stuck in bed for months. I've barely walked."

"You did good today. We hit 4.6."

"We used to do 8. It'll take me forever to build it back up."

Aaron nods to a bench that overlooks the park and they sit down. Noah leans back and eyes the endless green grass and children laughing as they play with a soccer ball.

"We have some business to cover," Aaron mentions, seeing Noah roll her eyes. "Strauss is asking when you'd feel comfortable going back to school."

"We're on summer break."

"After that."

"I missed the end of last semester. I'd have to retake all my classes."

"Regardless, you have to go back at some point. It's the first step to pulling back on the protection order."

Noah peers up at him with hopeful eyes. "As soon as possible, then."

"You'll still need agents—"

"Fine," Noah nods. "No problem. I have to move on at some point."

"It's not necessarily moving on," Aaron says as he leans back and peers over at the teen. "But it's a step in the right direction of getting you back on track."

"But everyone else has moved on—"

"No one has moved on," Aaron assures her. "Noah, I can't change what happened, but I can tell you that we're all terrified. I've seen every person on the team hesitate, doubt their own skill, walk into situations with fear. We're all scared that we'll mess up, that we'll lose another member of our team. Because losing Emily was our biggest mistake. Whether it was our fault or not, it doesn't matter. We miss her and we're terrified because of her. So we didn't move on, we kept going because if we didn't, we might fall weak and lose another. And that's something none of us can afford."

Noah doesn't have much of a response. She can hear the honesty in his voice, but she has a hard time understanding. While she's stuck in her grief, everyone else keeps moving around her.

"If you guys are scared, that doesn't make me feel any better," Noah says as she peers up at him.

Aaron smiles briefly before looking down at his shoes. "Sorry."

"I want to go back to my old life," Noah says. "I want things to go back to normal, even though I know it will never be fully back to normal."

"I'll talk to Strauss."

"Maybe a few more sessions with Dr. Stephenson, though."

"Sure," Aaron nods. "How is that, anyways?"

"Fine. Lots of exercises, crying, wishing I didn't have to be there. The usual," Noah jokes before taking a sip of her water. "But I need it and I know that."

"He's a good therapist," Aaron mentions. "When we scrubbed him after Foyet, he was extremely clean. It was almost suspicious. And you can't tell anyone I told you this, but when we interviewed him, he did more than pass the test. He really cares about you and his other patients. He knows what he's doing."

"That's nice to know. I kind of owe him a lot. I'm shocked he even decided to keep me after everything with Foyet."

"Like I said, he cares about you."

"Yeah," she nods with a small smile.

"C'mon, we can jog back," he says as he stands up. "We can go slow if you need it."

"I can jog—"

"You sure? We barely made it halfway through our usual distance," he jokes as they start jogging down the sidewalk.

"Ha-ha," she says sarcastically. "We'll see who gets to the checkpoint first, then."

𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵
𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗸'𝘀 𝗮𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁

Noah steps out of the shower and throws some pajamas on. Nowadays, it's a random t-shirt and shorts, especially since it's so hot out. She throws her hair into a high ponytail and walks out to the living room where she finds Derek and Penelope sitting on the couch.

"There's my munchkin," Penelope coos as she turns to look behind the couch.

"Hi," Noah says quietly and walks to the back of the couch. She bends down and hugs the blonde. Penelope is happy that the teen is open to affection again.

"We're watching a movie," Penelope says.

"Mmm, I think I'm just gonna hang in my room tonight," Noah replies with a sad smile. She wants to join them, but movie nights were sort of her and Emily's thing.

"Are you sure?" Derek asks.

"Yeah," Noah nods.

"It's Titanic," Penelope adds, making Noah think for a moment.

The teen tilts her head as she ponders. "You're gonna watch the whole thing?"

"Of course," Penelope says with a smile. "C'mon! You know you wanna."

Noah smiles softly and rolls her eyes. "Okay, fine," she agrees and grabs a blanket before sitting beside Penelope.

"What did you mean by watch the whole thing?" Derek questions.

Penelope looks at him with a fake smile. "Nothing."

Noah giggles to herself and grabs Sergio from the floor, putting him on her lap. He doesn't move an inch the whole movie, almost as if he knows she needs him. Noah feels at peace for once as she focuses on the movie instead of the thoughts swirling in her head. She focuses on Rose's story, not her own, and Rose's loss instead of her own.

After a few hours, the movie ends and Penelope wipes her tears. She turns to Derek, who gives her a strange look.

"There was room on—"

"Don't," Penelope warns him.

"You'll just upset her," Noah adds and sits up to hug Penelope.

"You two are funny," Derek teases as he stands and stretches his arms. He heads to the kitchen to clean up from dinner as Noah picks up Sergio to stand herself.

"I'm gonna go wipe my mascara before I go," Penelope says and excuses herself.

The blonde walks into the bathroom and flicks the light switch. Before she can do anything, she softly closes the door and looks around. Noah's things are everywhere, all over the place. Her toothbrush is in a cup by the hand soap, her laundry is in the corner near the sink, her towels are scattered along the drying bar, and her contacts and solution are sprawled around the counter. There's a piece of her in every corner of the room. Even though it's caused a mess, it makes Penelope smile. Noah has made herself at home and that's all they can really ask for right now.

After she does her business, Penelope comes out and gives Derek and Noah hugs. She embraces them tightly before going back to her apartment, which other than when Spencer asks for her company, has been extra lonely lately.

Noah turns to Derek as the front door closes and shows an appreciative smile.

"What's that smirk for?" he asks.

"You didn't have to watch the movie with us," she replies.

"Well, we live together now. I guess I have to start liking the things you like."

"Yeah, but don't start asking me to lift weights with you again," she jokes and helps him put the dry dishes away.

When they finish, Derek asks her to sit down for a second. She sits beside him on the couch and he takes a moment before speaking up.

"You know that I want you to have your life back and I want you to have freedom again," he begins. "I know you talked about it with Hotch, but I just want you to know that I understand if you're scared. And we can do this at your pace."

"I'm scared, but...I can't be scared forever. If I keep putting it off, I'll never get my life back. I'll always be a little scared, but who isn't? If it's not Doyle after me, it could be someone else."

"Before we try this, I just want you to know that I got your back. And I'll do anything to protect you. That was my promise to Emily and has always been my promise to you."

"I appreciate that," she says softly.

"And I'm not mad at you."

"I don't like when we fight," she adds with a sigh. "Because if anyone has to be my Emily, I want it to be you."

Derek smiles and puts his arm around the teen, pulling her into an embrace. Derek has always been protective, but this new role has brought out an even fiercer, innate need to protect. And he never thought this was what his future would look like, but he's willing to change it just for her.

Eventually, they retreat to their rooms for the night. Noah decides to sit at her desk and curls her legs up to her chest. She grabs a piece of paper and places it on the table in front of her. She grabs a pen and holds it tight in her hand, but it doesn't touch the paper for ten minutes. She hits the end of it against the desk as she stares off into space.

It's the third time she's tried to sit down and write the letter to Emily. She's not sure how to know what to say. Where do you really begin when writing a letter that no one will ever receive? she thinks to herself. How do you bare your soul to something that will never be sent? What's the point?

But Noah knows that her therapist is right. She taps the pen against her lips and then takes the cap off with her teeth. She puts her wrist on the desk and goes to press the pen against the paper. And the second they meet, words that she didn't know she was feeling all come out on the paper.