beomgyu smiles in front of the mirror , the smile only looking more and more fake. he sighs in disappointment , exhausted with trying his best to muster up the best smile he could without it looking forced. but then he shudders , stumbling back as he remembered the dream from a week ago.. still fresh in his mind. he wipes his cheeks with his sleeve , the black substance from his dream only spreading , causing his chest to tighten in fear.

"beomgyu , you okay?" taehyun questions the boy who's pupils are wide , mesisly smearing the mascara that's on his cheeks.

"y-yeah!" beomgyu says as his hand rests on his chest , the unbearable tight sensation in his chest only worsening , tears of hopelessness pricking the boy's eyes.

"beomgyu... don't lie to me" taehyun says as he puts a hand to the boy's arm comfortingly , asking him to sit down.

beomgyu obligues and sits down , looking down at the floor and shutting his eyes tightly , shaky hand still firmly placed on his chest. taehyun takes the boy's hand in his , heart breaking when he feels the way he squeezes it tightly.

"gyu , please look at me. breathe. breathe in slowly , and breathe out slowly. together okay?" taehyun says as the boy blinks rapidly in the hopes of stopping the tears rolling down his face.

beomgyu looks to taehyun for guidance as taehyun demonstrates deep breathes , following his rythym while listening to his heartbeat gradually slow into a normal pace. he feels relief wash over him , a relief that has him feeling overwhelmed and quickly acting. he leans over and hugs the boy in front of him tightly , tears spilling over his cheeks as he shuts his eyes tightly , thanking the boy over and over again. taehyun sits silently , petting the back of the boy's head comfortingly.

"better hyung?" taehyun questions as beomgyu pulls away , nodding as he wipes away the tears embarrassed at himself.

taehyun watches the boy drying his tears with his sleeves , breath hitching when he sees the bandage underneath the boy's sleeve , stained with fresh blood.

"beomgyu... you wouldn't cut again would you? after your sessions right? you're getting better?" taehyun asks in a gentle tone as beomgyu smiles with a nod.

"yeah... i haven't even thought about self harm taehyun.." beomgyu lies through his teeth , guilt eating at him , but he really has no choice.

what would they do this time ?

send him off to some psychiatric hospital ?

he gulps when taehyun's eyes start analyzing something , his look suddenly becoming stern. pursing his lips beomgyu tries his best not to break eye contact with the boy , praying for him not to get suspicious... otherwise he's doomed.

"you wouldn't lie to me right gyu?" taehyun questions as beomgyu's heart feels as if it's getting torn into a million pieces , his dongsaeng's eyes now being filled with nothing but care for him.

"never" he whispers , fighting back tears of guilt and misery , taehyun clearing his throat before standing up and helping the other boy up.

"then let's get you to bed. a nap would be good for you right now" taehyun says as beomgyu blinks a few times , taken aback , before nodding.

why didn't he push further ?

does he... know ?

taehyun takes beomgyu back to his dorm room , telling him to take a thirty minute nap before dinner. he lays down on the bed , arms folded behind his head , staring at the ceiling for the nth time this year. his mind floods with questions.

did he get caught ?

did taehyun find the hidden blade ?

did he somehow find out another way ?

is he just suspicious of him ?

did he tell him to nap so he could...?

tell the rest ?

tell the managers ?

call the therapist ?

call a mental hospital ?

he chews in his bottom lip in thought , eyebrows furrowed. the thoughts seem to taunt him , laugh at him , what a situation he's in once again. he notices the door opening and he glances to it , soobin walking in slowly , as if to check if he's asleep yet.

"oh you're awake... you want some tea then?" soobin asks with a light smile , beomgyu sitting up in thought.

"uhhh... sure! are the rest there?" beomgyu asks looking over to the tall leader who clears his throat , showing something with his hand on the side and making beomgyu's stomach twist in anxiousness and suspicion.

"yeah! yeah! they're there" soobin says as beomgyu purses his lips , humming lightly and looking down the hallway at the three boys who scramble each to a different part of either the kitchen or the living room.

now he's even more suspicious of them... all of them. what were they doing that they need to hide it from beomgyu? and so obviously too.

"gyu , everything okay with you lately?" soobin questions softly , carassing the boy's arm with a gentle touch.

beomgyu's stomach twists into tighter knots at that. why did he have to word it like that? as if there's something wrong with him? oh right , but there is...

"mhm" he answers quietly , sitting down at the counter on one of the stools , glancing to yeonjun and kai who are playing video games and taehyun who's scrolling through his phone.

they're too suspicious today...

what's going on ?

"and you would tell us if something was bothering you , right?" soobin questions with a careful tone , gazing at beomgyu with a caring look that urges him to answer with the truth.

"of course i would soo—" beomgyu gets cut off by a loud slam on the table that maksa him jjump out of his skin , looking back to see yeonjun get up off the sofa with an expression of pure rage.

"stop lying beomgyu! taehyun saw your cuts!" yeonjun yells as beomgyu's breath hitches , eyes wide and mouth parted as he looks to taehyun who closes his eyes and sighs heavily.

"yeonjun hyung why are you starting—" taehyun gets cut off by yeonjun giving him a stern glare before speaking up again.

"why are you fucking lying choi beomgyu?! tell us!" yeonjun asks grabbing a hold of beomgyu's arm when he tries to slide away from the commotion out of anxiousness.

"y-yeonjun..." beomgyu desperately tries to pry the firm grip of the eldest off his arm , tears welling up on his eyes and causing his vision to blur.

"yeonjun-ah let him go , you're hurting him!" kai wails as he rushes over to the two members and pulls on yeonjun's arm.

"you heard kai , let beomgyu go" soobin warns as he walks over to yeonjun's side with a stern glare.

"not until he tells us!" yeonjun says as kai and soobin start pulling the boy away from beomgyu , his hand slipping and tightly gripping onto his pained forearm.

beomgyu yelps shutting his eyes at the sudden pain that shot though his arm and sent shivers through his whole body. alarmed , all the boy's eyes widen in both shock and concern , but yeonjun's also in guilt. as of he touched fire , he pulls his hand away and starts apologizing to the boy who starts walking towards his room in a hurry.

ignoring taehyun calling his name , beomgyu quickly turns to his room and gets in , locking the door behind him. sliding down the wooden door he sits down on the floor , uncontrollable sobs escaping his shaking figure as his heart starts slowly shattering like a delicate glass. he really doesn't know how much longer he can keep fighting.

ꗃ can't i just disappear ?