tightening the bandages on the boy's arms slightly , yeonjun then proceeds to blow on them , as if it'll ease any of the pain... Noth physical and mental.

"promise me you'll be okay" yeonjun says , looking at beomgyu's empty eyes and stoic face.

his heart aches at how much the boy had changed these past months. it was gradual at first , but noticeable to him , and there was a huge dip then. he purses his lips when the boy just nods once , hugging him lightly before bringing him over to eat with the rest. he's unsure whether the boy is acting like this because of the mandatory hiatus he's on from the group until the rest of the year at least , or because of what's been going on in his head. nonetheless , yeonjun still worries.

beomgyu chews on the food slowly , having no appetite whatsoever but not wanting to seem rude to his bandmates by skipping a home-made meal. he can't even enjoy the great meal yeonjun had been preparing all day after a vlive , he just can't get himself to swallow and smile like he usually did.

"is it good? or did i do something wrong?" yeonjun questions , lowering his chopsticks slightly and looking to his dongsaeng in question.

great

now you hurt hyung's feelings

proud of yourself ?

"no , it's so good. i'm sorry yeonjun" beomgyu says , but it comes out sounds a little more insincere than he would like it to.

"okay... i'll make you your favorite next time. i promise" yeonjun smiles towards the younger , giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder.

but i don't think you will be able to

swallowing harshly , beomgyu forces out a crooked tight-lipped smile before standing up with the bowl and going over to the sink. he places it near the sink and starts walking towards his room.

"beomgyu , why aren't you eating?" taehyun questions the boy who shakes his head with a light sigh.

"my stomach is a little upset today. i think i just need to lay down for a bit" beomgyu says calmly , no trace of a lie detected by the others at the table.

"oh , do you want to play a game togather then?" kai questions with sparkling eyes , beomgyu's stomach twisting in a guilt he'd never felt so strongly before this situation.

"sorry , but i'll just take a bath and go nap" beomgyu says as kai hums in understanding , swallowing a big bite of black bean noodles.

"well , you owe me then. but it's fine , we can always play tomorrow" kai shoots the boy an adorable smile that brings tears to the boy's eyes , threatening to spill.

"mhm , that's right huening" beomgyu whispers , praying his voice wouldn't crack.

he couldn't help himself , and walked over to the table to back-hug each of the members in turn , ignoring the odd stares and small smiles they make towards him. he then leaves without a word , going into his room and grabbing the clothes he had kept under his bed for this very reason. old clothes from his training years , just a white t-shirt with some small holes , and gray sweatpants.

he quickly makes his way to the bathroom that's at the end of the hallway. he's so glad that when they moved buildings they got a dorm that finally has a bath , otherwise he wouldn't be able to do this in the way he wanted to. he's wanted to be able to feel the sting more , and also wash away the amount of blood that there will result to his last cutting which he wouldn't be able to do if he had done so in his room.

turning the tap so that the water fills up rather slowly , beomgyu quickly changes into the old clothes he had brought and folds up the ones he was in. his favorite clothes , he didn't want to ruin them by doing this , and maybe the others would keep them to remember him by... maybe. sighing , he undoes the bandage and let's it fall down to the cold tiles of the bathroom floor , stepping into the tub.

the water is hot... it's burning him so much his nerves are tingling and tears spring to his eyes. but this is what he deserves for being so messed up and selfish... selfish for leaving his family behind like this. but he reslly can't hold on anymore. life feels like a challenge he just cannot overcome , he doesn't remember the last time he didn't geel anxious , miserable or guilty. his idol life doesn't help , it only adds onto the weight on his shoulders... all those expectations of him being perfect.

well i never was perfect

and never will be...

taking out the box cutter he had just bought , beomgyu lays back , arm in front of his face as he starts slicing. this is much more efficient than the dumb eraser blade he had to use before , so he doesn't have to rub so much to actually get a decent cut and see the red liquid poking through.

the corner of his mouth lifts up in a shaky smile , quiet sobs leaving his mouth as he looks up at the ceiling , bright yellow light shining into his eyes. he squinted his eyes and cuts faster , slashes now not neatly spaced as they were before this , crossing each other until it's hard to tell they're even lines. he does so on his other arm too , looking at them both before letting his head hit the back of the bathtub. his eyes raise shakily to the two small lamps above him once again , crooked smile on his face as his vision of those blurs into mere colors , head suddenly feeling more and more light and dizzy.

with his arms underneath the surface of the hot water that makes the pain of the blade much stronger , ears ringing and unable to make out the sound of his dongsaeng calling out for him , he drowns himself in the crimson red of his own blood and his heavy salty tears.

ꗃ will i ever stop hurting ?