beomgyu sprawls out on the bed in a starfish position , staring up at the ceiling with pursed lips and hands that have now turned to fists. he's just come back from his first therapy session , one that had been made after soobin told their manager about what beomgyu is doing.

thick tears brim his eyes as he grits his teeth , slowly pulling his sleeve over his hand to cry into. now that he's going to therapy , it's official... he's definitely not okay... he's abnormal... he's broken... he needs help... he needs fixing. deep down he knew it was so , but going to that therapist only confirmed his fears. it drives him to sob into his hoodie sleeve until he eventually falls asleep , curled up in a tight ball.

"taehyun! yeonjun! soobin? kai?" beomgyu calls out , more and more confused as he steps further into the practice room.

he looks around , rubbing his arms at the chilly air that's coming in through the small open window. his eyes meet his own in the mirror , instantly turning cold as self-hate floods his being , gasping and stumbling back when a huge crack splits his reflection in two. the booming noise of it resonates through the empty practice room causing his ears to painfully ring.

panting , beomgyu looks up once the deafening ringing stops , meeting his eyes in the mirror once more. he's met with his reflection , an unsettling grin on his face showing his teeth , black tears pouring down his face from his crazy-looking eyes. he watches as the crack spreads , branching out in smaller cracks like the branches of a tree. pupils growing smaller , his face draining of all color when the mirror finally cracks... the same black goo from his eyes bursts into the room.

he barely has any time to react as the liquid starts filling the dance room up , scrambling to his feet with shaking hands and legs , panic tightening his chest. it starts swallowing him up , the weight of it scaring him even further as he yells for help , desperately clawing at the black substance. and before he knows it , it has reached his neck , he feels as if he's being squished , air knocking out of his lungs as he gasps in the hopes of any oxygen entering his body... but to no avail. he starts suffocating , chin raised as he fights for air , before the black liquid enters his mouth , choking him even further. black surrounds him , he can't see or hear anything... but he can feel every bit of pain while he slowly suffocates further.

his own name getting yelled out is the first thing the boy heard when he wakes up , sitting up and gasping for air ad he holds onto the front of his neck , meeting kai's worried eyes.

"kai?" beomgyu mutters , rubbing his eye as his eyes try to focus on the maknae who's sitting on the bed , right in front of him.

"beomgyu what was that? you were telling like crazy!" kai says in a panicked voice , staring at the pale boy , with the messiest and most dishelved hair he's ever seen , for an answer.

"just... just a nightmare" beomgyu says shaking his head , holding it as he winced from tue sudden ache.

"aish... it must've been awful of you reacted so" kai says as he helps the boy up to his feet , making sure not to hold the arm that's still injured.

"uhh... could you make me some tea? with honey? i need to go to the bathroom" beomgyu says as kai raises a brow , quickly patting the boy's clothes to check for anything he could hurt himself with.

"okay , we can talk in the kitchen then. the rest went for their interviews" kai says nodding as beomgyu does his best to smile lightly to the boy.

kai goes ahead and makes his way to the kitchen , followed by an exhausted beomgyu who makes his way into the bathroom. he sits down on the floor , back against the bathtub as he rolls up his long sleeve , gazing at his bandaged forearm.

cut

no

you know you want to

i can't

but no one has to know...

you can hide it

so just do it

biting his lip , he let's the intrusive thoughts nagging at him win and pulls the bandage down to view the deep lines he's created. quickly opening the cupboard below the sink , beomgyu finds the small blade , safely wrapped around his pink face towel. he got this small blade from a pencil sharpener , after the first few times he'd cut. of course , his box cutter was taken away after they checked his room , so he had to turn to this alternative. though a little awkward to hold , it works perfectly.

with little hesitation beomgyu cuts into his skin , hissing slightly at the familiar sensation he hasn't felt in a while before cutting deeper , watching the crimson liquid drip down to the floor. going over his old cuts , creating new ones in between , beomgyu is left crying quietly to himself with his arm out on his knees. he's watching his arm slowly get painted red by his very own hate... his hate stings... and his hate is also very extreme.

ꗃ i don't want to do this selfish act... do i ?