jj's pov

day one after hannah's confession i sat in my bed all day. i felt hurt, sad, alone, but mostly betrayed. i didn't mean to flip out on her last night but i was just so angry.

i was angry at her for lying to me, i was angry at myself for trusting her in the first place. i was still angry at the cops for not working harder to find john b, to find my best friend.

i almost forgot about the reason we had gone into the sheriff's. barely remaining in my mind were the words i read on those papers, and the pictures of john b that were printed on them as well. i could barely remember the extreme feeling of anxiety i had as i tried to get me and hannah in that vent.

the only thing that was on my mind was the fact that i had finally trusted someone to the point where i felt nothing stood between us... and it all fell apart.

yes i trusted ki, and pope, and john b but not like the way i did hannah. not like the way i had felt so connected with her even after only knowing her for such a short amount of time.

i didn't know if it was valid to feel this way. i mean people lie all the time and everyone just gets over it but somehow this just meant so much more to me.

it was on day two that i drank more beers than i could possibly count. the entire day was extremely foggy, it was hard to even keep track of my own thoughts that day or why i was drinking so much in the first place.

i remembered when i heard her knock though. it scared the shit out of me, the loud sound of the front door. in the groggy state of mine i was in, i heard her knock and i didn't answer. i couldn't.

on day three after multiple missed calls from ki and pope i decided it was time for me to face them no matter how much i didn't want to.

i explained the situation as best i could and they were in nearly just as much of shock as i was.

"jj i'm-" kiara began looking at me with sad eyes. but i didn't come here to have a talk about my feelings, i came to talk because of something specific hannah had told me during her confession.

"nope none of that," i interrupted her. "hannah said she found gold, fucking gold."

"okay but why does-" ki started again before interjected again.

"let me repeat that," i began. "gold, she found gold."

"don't you dare start concocting," the girl scolded.

"don't i dare sta-" i scoffed, repeating her words. "are you serious? kiara it's gold she found in a building on tarmac property!"

"jj there can't be a correlation if that's what you're trying to imply," pope interjected.

"that's exactly what i'm trying to imply!" i yelled, not understanding what they weren't understanding about this.

"jj stop," ki warned.

"stop what?" i demanded.

"stop trying to connect this with john b to hide what you're really feeling right now," she said.

"what am i feeling exactly kiara?" i mocked. "huh? since you happen to know what's going on inside my mind right now."

"jj-"

"are you a mind reader now?" i pressed. "no seriously tell me how i'm feeling ki. tell me what i'm hiding."

"bro," pope warned, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"don't bro me," i said, jerking his hand off my shoulder.

they didn't understand. they could never understand what it felt like to be tossed aside time after time with everyone they ever came across in their lives.

"i'm so sick.. and tired.. of you guys," i said, my breath heaving between words as i could feel my chest begin to tighten. my senses began to go numb as ki wordlessly pulled me into a hug, the feeling all too familiar from last summer.

on day four i destroyed the place. threw a bunch of things around, smashed empty beer bottles on the floor. she knocked on the door again but i didn't answer.

day five was filled with more beer, more sadness, more nothingness. kiara and pope barged into my pity party but i didn't speak much. they tried to clean up the mess i created and then they sat and asked me questions that i didn't answer. they tried to get me to go with them to the wreck but i declined.

day six went the exact same.

on day seven she came to the door again. i was sitting on the couch when i heard her knock. i just sighed as usual and continued to sit there until she would stop.

however this time when she stopped knocking she didn't go away.

"jj," i could hear her strained voice croak out, "if- if your in there p-please listen to me."

i sucked in a deep breath, not sure if i should lock myself in my room and tune her out, or sit and listen. her voice didn't sound the same, it was quieter and more timid, it reminded me of how she used to talk when i first met her.

"i fucked up, i fucked up really bad," she continued even though i lacked to respond to her. "i never wanted to hurt you, i was trying not to hurt you by not telling you.. but look where they got us." i heard her sniffle as i remained at my position on the couch.

my stomach lurched as i heard her whimper out the muffled words, "i'd do anything for you to forgive me even though i don't deserve it. please jj."

i got up from my couch as quietly as i could and sat with my back against the door. i just wanted to be closer to her as she spoke, even if she didn't know i was here. even if we couldn't see each other.

"i-i'm going home," she stated. going home?!? i put my hand on the door knob at her words, ready to open it and tell her to stay but my mind wasn't seeming to connect with my body as it made no effort to turn the handle.

"i don't want to cause anymore trouble than i already have and maybe it will make the pain go away," she continued before pausing for a moment. "i just want you to be happy."

i dropped my head at her words.

what she didn't understand was that she was the person that made me happiest i'd ever been. she thought she broke me but really, she put me back together.

it was at that point that i realized, while she had been putting me back together, i had broken her. yes she had lied to me, i think any person in their right mind would say that she had done this to herself or whatever kind of depressing bullshit people say these days.

but i realized that i had put her in a position of danger. and even though i didn't know her secret at the time, it hadn't mattered. i was no better than those kids who had dared her to sneak into that tarmac in the first place. she could have been arrested that night at the sheriffs office and it would have been all my fault.

and yet i only focused on myself in that moment. she may have been selfish when she lied to me but i was selfish too, for putting her in that situation.

i began to hear her voice again, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"jj i just need you to know that i'm sorry, i'm so sorry," i continued. "a-and i... i love you."

my breath hitched at her words and i swear my heart stopped beating for a moment.

i squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about anything else other than the words she just said to me.

i made up my mind at that point, i had forgiven her. hell i think i had forgiven her on day two or day three.

but that didn't matter because the fact of the matter was that i was not good enough for her and never would be.

and because i loved her i needed to let her go.

i listened to her steps as she walked away, fighting off the selfish urge to stop her.

"i love you's" never seemed to matter all that much to me. maybe it was because i rarely heard them or that when i did they seemed forced. however, when they come from the person you love the most.. they do seem to matter, which i guess is the hardest part.

it was long before i got up onto my feet and went back to my room, unwanted tears clouding my eyes. i blinked them away as i took a swig of beer, realizing i'd never see the girl i loved again.

but on day eight as i was continuing on with my daily activities of moping around and getting drunk, i got a call. and some gut instinct made me pick up my ringing phone.

"hannah?"

"jj," the girl on the opposite end of the line breathed out. "jj it's- it's john b and sarah. th- they're here. i'm with them."