༺ FORTY ༻

"Hey." It's Newt who sits down next to me on the couch this time. It's nothing new, the whole bloody week, every family member sat down to me like this and innocently changed the subject to my eating patterns, while they can't even know.

They think they know so much now that they find out I sometimes skip dinner and 'they connected the dots' because of my pale skin and my hollow cheekbones. But they don't understand.

It sounds stupid to say but they genuinely don't. I doubt they don't even know how badly I want to cry every time I eat those meals in front of them. It's too much. Too many calories, it's going too fast, and they assume too many things they're not sure of.

But I'm the one who lied, so I'll have to live with the consequences.

"Wanna watch a movie?" Newt asks.

"Sure."

I pull a blanket over my body, wrapping my arms around my own torso, and the movie starts. It's a basic, kind of childish one but I'll enjoy it and Newt knows I will. Finding Nemo.

"Wanna have a sleepover tonight? Like when we were younger and thought Mom and Dad wouldn't notice the giggles after you secretly tiptoed to my room?"

I don't hesitate to agree. If he won't start about the things everyone has been on about lately, then I'd love to spend a night somewhere I will neither overthink or get comments thrown at me.

"Awesome." Newt takes a blanket for himself, wraps one arm around me, and then we just sit there.

✵

"I understand you now," I whisper when we're in the dark, Newt's back probably facing me because he hates sleeping face to face with his siblings. Says that if he opens his eyes, he'll get an heart attack if he suddenly sees a face.

"Me?" He murmurs.

"Mhm." I nod. "I mean, I understood before, but now I really do. Remember how angry you were in the hospital? And how you were in the following weeks?"

He lets out a hum. "You feelin' like that?"

"Kind of. You once told me you were done with being treated like a sick dog, as if you couldn't understand things yourself. The way the nurses spoke to you, as if you weren't a nineteen year old with a full vocabulary."

"They were treating me like I didn't understand what I had done," he says, groaning at the memories. "As if it happened on accident and I needed baby care after it."

"Yes," I say. "So I understand that now."

I hear him twist around, then feel his breaths on my face. "But you won't fall down the same hole as me, right?"

Nope. I'm digging the hole myself. And I find out there's no ladder to go back up and then just keep digging in the hope something comes out of it.

"No," I say quietly. "I won't. And it's kind of my own fault that I'm being treated like this because I said I always eat and challenged them into believing me... but I don't like the rush."

I tell him this because I know Newt might be the only person I won't be able to convince otherwise. He will show he doesn't believe me, at least. There's no point in lying.

Thomas, in fact, is the kind to act like he believes me, while he doesn't. So I keep it like that.

"I'll help," he assures. "But I will need to know more, love. I don't know how you ate before, how much you sported, and things like that."

"I only skipped some meals and did kind of sport too much," I say. It's... half of the truth. Of course it is. It's always half of the truth.

And I want to say more now. I want to lie more, about how I never wanted to go this far, or how I hate watching the number drop but I can't stop, yet I can't. I can't because if I didn't want to go this far, I would've stopped. I can't because I can't be satisfied with my body when I see pictures or watch other dancers. I can't, because I love seeing number drop.

I must be crazy.

"But don't tell Mom and Dad that," I add, changing my mind. "I'll be fine with what they're doing now."

Newt exhales. "Alright. But I'm here for you, yeah?"

I nod. "Yeah."

Thomas is here for me, Minho is here for me, Newt is here for me, my parents are here for me, Sonya is here for me, but I can't be here for myself. Something is stopping me.

✵

The vacation is over by now. A new year, definitely a new me, but what I hope will never change is ballet. It's the first class of the year, on a Wednesday.

Mom drives me there. She places a kiss on my forehead. Says things that make me want to rip my own hair out though I know she's just trying to help, and then tells me good luck.

Thomas is waiting at the door. He's holding the grudge to keep watching my classes, and I don't think he's planning to stop anytime soon. I don't really mind. Guess Janson won't say much and I'll be 'safer'.

We're a bit early, and no one is there yet so I just start stretching and Thomas sits cross-legged on the ground.

"Tell me more about the files. What's in 'em?"

He looks up, surprised by the question. "Eh, you know... just information."

"So you're kind of stalking people."

"I wouldn't call it stalking. This is part of the investigation. Besides, Janson owns the files. Isn't that stalking for him too?"

"Just tell me what's in the files."

"As much information as possible. Every single thing they could find out about you is in there. They're not stalkin' anyone in public, but if you tell Aris you're going to get ice cream after ballet, they'll note it down. Just info."

I shrink at the thought. "That's creepy. Guess it does sound a little better that you have most of them now. But it's still—"

"Stealing, I know," he finishes. "But I swear I don't look in those files if I don't have a good reason. All I want is for Janson not to have them."

I nod. "What about Gally? They mentioned you contacted him, but said no one was supposed to be able to. How?"

"I have my ways," he says. "I told him to hang on and I'll try to help him as much as I can. He said they're already taking his blood to 'test how healthy it is'. When he resisted, they sedated him."

"Oh."

"Yeah." He looks down. "It's awful."

"How much has Janson got to do with it?" I wonder, lowering my voice.

"More than enough."

I run a hand down my face. "And how are you going to stop them? I'd help."

"You don't have to help," he says fast. "I got it. Have a plan. Which I won't share for particular reasons."

"What's your plan?" My eyebrows fly up. "Come on, you can't act that mysterious about it and then just not tell me."

"It's to keep you safe," he assures. "Anyway, perhaps I could introduce you to Chuck soon. He'd love to meet you. Since I lost it and kind of spilled you're my girlfriend the other day..."

I chuckle. "Don't worry. I betrayed us to Aris on accident. Guess we're equal now."

"Well."

A frown forms on my face. "Well what?"

"Well," he repeats, sighing. "I kind of... told Luca the day after we kissed."

Taken aback by the news, I stare at him. "So Luca knew the whole time?"

"Yes," he peeps. "But I mean, I needed someone who was ready to hear all the details! I don't think he wanted to hear it, though, but he didn't cut me off either."

"Oh, my god." I palm my face. "I should've known that."

"He kept it a secret, then." Thomas grins. "Awesome. So now three people know, and Minho's suspicious. We really have to tell them soon before Newt actually walks in on us and gets a heart attack."

"Probably."