༺ THIRTEEN ༻

⚠︎︎⚠︎︎, from here, it might get triggering to read Rose's thoughts about food and everything.
Stay safe, y'all <3

I've never been good at maths.

Neither is it working out that not a single website shows how to lose weight fast without it seeming like a total lie.

These workouts don't work that fast for sure. My only option is to get a good diet and I can't seem to find a way to burn more calories than eat.

Because I think that's how it works to lose weight. But losing calories is so much harder than taking them. Some simple things already contain a lot, and jogging for an hour will burn seven hundred calories.

It's not enough.

I need this to work fast and without causing too many arguments or trouble. Aris should be able to lift me up like a feather, just like the boy from the video tape did, and Janson should be satisfied with my body. I should be satisfied, but I'm not.

Maybe I can ask Janson tomorrow. For now, I'll just eat a cracker. A cracker can't hurt. And then I'll go on a run.

I do all of it. I toss a simple rice cracker in my mouth and start my run immediately. No one is home to hold me back, no one will know if I don't mention it, and it's only for a week or so that I'll take this few calories.

Now I'm thinking about it, I honestly never thought of how many calories I ate. I don't know if it was eight hundred or two thousand or more, but I know for sure it was over a thousand.

Luckily, no one comes driving up from behind this time and I'm not spoken to until I've arrived back home.

Newt greets me for a second, then I'm in my room again.

I don't really like Tuesdays. I don't have ballet or work or anything, so I'm kind of bored. I don't see Thomas on Tuesdays. Except for next Tuesday. I will see him then.

Still, I wonder if it's a date or just a friendly activity, or whatever.

I get called for dinner. Usually, everyone eats but my parents aren't the type of 'you're not leaving this table until you've finished your plate' parents or the 'you've already eaten too much', so I don't think they'll mind if I don't eat as much.

McDonald's.

Have to be kidding.

My mouth waters at the sight and I can feel my stomach grumble after the bare amount of food I ate today.

I sit down and try not to dive into it. I've got to hold back. Just for this week.

But we never eat McDonald's.

"I thought, we're all doing well after we moved so bought this on my way back from work." Smiling proudly, Dad hands everyone what he got.

"McChicken, a coke, and fries for you." He lies it down in front of me and I'm not sure whether to burst out crying or not. 

To distract myself, I start speaking. "We don't have anything on the agenda next Tuesday, right?"

"I don't think so." Mom takes a bite of her burger. It's torture watching this. "Why?"

"I'm going to the fair," I explain. With Thomas. "At seven." With Thomas. "I'll be driven there." By Thomas.

Sonya perks up. "Can I come with you?"

And so does Newt. "I wouldn't mind a night at the fair."

"I— well- you know, I would love to— but uh, I already know who I'm going with and uh, I guess he doesn't expect any other guests with us and, eh, neither do I... but you can totally come! Maybe just not with us.. I'm not sure what he expects."

When I finish speaking, my face is bright red.

"You have a date?" Sonya gasps. "Who is it?"

"It's not a date," I say, unaware if it's a lie or the truth. "It's just a... duo activity?"

She's nearly jumping up and down. "Who are you going with? You've never had a boyfriend before! Who?"

I don't think she heard what I said.

"It's not a date," I repeat. "Thomas invited me and he didn't mention anything about anyone else so if you want to come, ask him."

I really hope they don't because Thomas is too kind to say no and so am I. Well, I've sort of said no, but it's not... you get it.

"You're going on a date with Thomas?!" Sonya yelps. "Neighbor love story!"

I've for sure forgotten about the food by now. "I really don't believe it's a date, Nya. Don't think that."

I only dare to give Newt one single look. His face doesn't say much, but he's tense. I try to place myself in his situation. How would I react if he goes to the fair with my best friend, all alone?

Disgusted and really weird.

My words finally got through Sonya's head, and she remains quiet after smirking a few times at me, then whispering things about Thomas to Dad as I stare at my food.

I've got to make this work. I have to do it strictly. No cheating and I can definitely not eat McDonald's right now. Crackers and apples sound better.

"I'm going to get cutlery," I announce. As I get up, I grab my plate with me and disappear into the kitchen.

Three seconds later the burger and half of the fries slide into the garage can, followed by a good amount of paper to cover it up. I walk back with enough fries to make my family less suspicious.

Though a faint feeling of guilt is making my stomach twist, I sense myself smiling, too. Throwing away a delicious burger like that is a lot and now I've missed so many calories that I must lose some weight after today.

Newt stares at me. I think from everyone, he pays the most attention and I think that's who I'll have to lie the most to this week. "Where'd your burger go?" 

"I ate it all in the kitchen because I couldn't wait." The lie slips off my lips so easily I almost believe it myself. "That's horrible, right? Man, McDonald's."

Not telling my family I don't want to eat already makes me feel bad, but lying about it is the worst. I hate lying. Being lied to or lying to someone else is both as horrible.

I do eat the few fries I have left, trying to brush the salt off. Salt's unhealthier than you'd think.

When a dessert appears on the table, I don't know what to do. Then my eye catches the Greek yoghurt. I grab the thing, my eyes immediately flashing to the small letters on the back.

I'm already going crazy over calories after one day, but it's only because I have to succeed this plan in one week. One week full of fighting. One week of just not giving up. I can do it.

One hundred calories per serving.

I frown. It's better than the chocolate mousse or vanilla yoghurt. If I eat half a portion, I'll be fine.

My mind does a calculation. French fries... I'm guessing around the thirty. I'm studying things that don't come with calories the best as I can, and remember a large French fry being ten bloody calories.

Ten plus fifty from the yoghurt, twelve from the rice cracker. That's seventy two.

And seventy two is... not normal.

I know that. I can realize that for myself, too. But that means my run burned so many calories. If I can go on like this for one week I'll lose those eight pounds in no time.

And that means a lot of satisfaction from a lot of people.