A BITTER GLORY.

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LOST IN FIRE (book three).
°•        CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT        •°

"        IF YOU COULD TURN BACK TIME,
WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?       "

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Keep your anger under control, are words Harley has never heard be spoken to her but were something she had to repeat to herself as they wander through the forest in search of Xavier. Anger would stop her from finishing what they started together. They're only lucky to not come across another possible flare. But she doesn't know what it means when spots of the trees and plants start glittering a pale blue. A part of Harley was afraid to touch it while the other desperately wanted to. Meanwhile, Octavia looks worse. She was barely being held together at this point and it didn't take long for Diyoza to notice, too.

The spot of the forest they were walking in was literally glowing and all Harley could think of was Octavia. She wouldn't leave her side, arms circling her to keep her on her feet, eyes barely glazing over the radiating plants, and instead locked on Octavia. Harley didn't want to look away and it felt impossible to try. Octavia was pale, dark circles under her eyes, hair becoming frizzy, and her muscles thinning out. She wouldn't let Harley see her arm no matter how hard she pried.

A web blocking their path is ripped by Diyoza to make room. Harley carefully guides Octavia over a log so she doesn't stumble. "Bioluminescene," Diyoza mused. "Cool."

"What is it's another trap?" Octavia groaned out. Her voice was barely a croak.

"You don't trap something you think is already dead," Diyoza reminds her.

"He let us live. He wasn't intending to kill us," Harley adds flatly. She doesn't like Xavier anymore than they did - but she wasn't wrong. Xavier would have let them sink or become fossilized from the flare if he wanted them to die. He would have shot them, maybe. Xavier wanted to know about nightbloods, so he needed the girls from Earth alive, at the very least.

Before Harley can utter another word, Diyoza's hand shot up from a noise she overheard. "Quiet," she whispered in command. "On me."

Octavia lets go of Harley too soon. Harley's lips pulled into a thin frown, but she lets Octavia grab her sword while she unsheathes her own. She grips the handle tightly and turns her wrist so the blade is ready, but it turns out to be useless fast when Diyoza turns around a trunk and comes face to face with the barrel of her gun. Bullets beat swords every time.

"Don't move," Xavier warns them boredly. He's propped in a comfortable sitting position and eating what looked like an apple. "Don't make me shoot you."

Everyone is startled when Octavia lets out a cry and sunk to the ground with a heavy thud as she could no longer support her own weight. Diyoza seizes the moment to attack Xavier, but Harley's sword slips from her hand as she fell to her knees in front of Octavia. "Hey, hey," she breathes out over her cries. "Octavia, hey, what is it? Talk to me," she pleads as she cups her face, thumbs tenderly brushing over her cheekbones.

All Octavia can do is keep her arms crossed over her chest and let out heavy cries turning into sobs with her eyes squeezed tight. Harley frantically continues to beg over Diyoza gaining the upperhand, continuous pleads of, "Octavia, come on, I - tell me what to do!"

Octavia's breath starts to catch in her throat just as Diyoza calls to them, "Octavia, what is it? What's wrong?"

Xavier moves to hover over the pair and Harley's once sweet voice dropped into a cold snarl when their eyes meet. "Come closer and I'll kill you," she vouched darkly. She's already made that promise long ago since Rose died, but it seemed right to repeat it before he could touch Octavia.

The loud, pained cries drop into soft pants. Harley can look away from Octavia long enough to see Xavier hold his hands in the air to show he meant no harm. "I'm a doctor and a local here. I can help her," he offers.

Harley doesn't answer, but she looks to Diyoza. A few silent words pass between them as soon as their eyes met. The woman silently tells her to be on guard and prepared to strike, but let him get closer. She has the gun still pointed at him, anyway. Harley reluctantly nods. Xavier takes that as permission and crouches. She has to pull away and let go of Octavia so he can help peel back the coat covering her, but she gasps out loud as he does.

The arm that was once frail from being exposed to the flare was decaying. Harley feared one touch would snap it in half. They can practically see the bone through the translucent skin. Octavia's thinned fingers twitch and her bony wrist shakes in jerky circles, each movement making her wince.

"Fascinating," Xavier breathed out in wonder. Harley wished Diyoza would have pulled the trigger right then. There was nothing amazing about this.

"Oh, it's spreading," Octavia moaned out from the ache it brought.

"What is this?" Diyoza demanded to know through a clenched jaw.

Xavier's hands gently hold Octavia's delicate arm so he can study it from every inch. "I assume she went under, leaving only her hand exposed to the temporal flare, though not fully or it'd be fossilized like the trees." He lowers Octavia's arm and tilts his head back to look at Diyoza. "I can help her, but not at the point of the gun."

"Diyoza, it's fine," Harley speaks up. "If he doesn't help, then you can kill him."

"Thanks for the optimism," Xavier compliments. Harley shot him a sarcastic smile, but Diyoza does comply and lowers her weapon. "Good choice." He pushed himself into a standing position and gathers his belongings. "There's medicine, but to get it, we need to go back to the place where it happened. I'll give her three hours tops before the time dilation reaches her brain... And she's dead."

Harley's heart clenches in her chest in a way that makes her think it shattered completely, and Octavia wasn't even gone. She presses her lips together and tenderly drags the tips of her fingers through her lover's knotted, dark hair. Harley could sob with how much she loved Octavia and how devastated she would be if the decaying arm took her life. Every minute they had would be precious, and she'd stop at nothing to save her.

She hears Diyoza agree, "Fine, but then you're taking me to the old man, or you're dead," she threatens.

"Ah, so you're looking for Gabriel," Xavier realizes with an ironic smile. "So, what did Russell promise you?"

"Forty vestal virgins and a side dish of none of your damn business," Diyoza snapped. She waits until Xavier starts to lead the way by walking off. She glances at the pair and speaks so only they could hear. "You're not boring. I'll give you that." Diyoza flicks the safety of her gun on and lets it drop to her side again. "Let's go, Harley."

The order makes Harley almost scoff. "Yeah, right." She makes it clear she belongs planted next to Octavia Blake. She was sick of being given orders and choices. She wanted to make them for herself now. Harley will never let anyone control or manipulate her again. She was her own person and could make her own choices - and she wanted to stay, for God's sake. Why did everyone always want to push her around, still, even after who she fought to become? It made her furious.

Harley mostly expects Diyoza to bark at her to stand. She knew Bellamy would have. Maybe even Murphy, if he thought she'd be safer somewhere else. And after all, Diyoza was a powerful woman who could make people do anything she wanted. But she doesn't. She barely blinks, delivering Harley a shrug accompanied with a, "Suit yourself, buttercup."

She scowls but Diyoza's grin fades as she follows Xavier into the glowing path in the dark. Harley sighs and shifts herself into a more comfortable position. She wasn't used to people respecting what she wanted. Her eyes curiously gaze back to Octavia in concern, only to see her staring back at her. Her eyelids are half open, making Harley consider she was possibly half asleep, until she mumbles, "You should have gone with them."

There's a soft thunk as the back of Harley's head hits the tree's trunk. Her knees are close to being bent at her chest with her elbows pressed over them, hands clasped together. This is what Harley meant - she hates when people try to control her life, her decisions. She was her own person. She should be allowed to do what she wants without someone making a comment to change her mind. "Yeah?" Harley found herself challenging. "I shouldn't have been that scared little girl who let everyone push me around either, but here we are."

"Here we are," Octavia agrees and although her tone is tired, Harley can still hear the bite behind it. "With the little girl who turned into a lion after slipping poison in her lover's food."

It felt as if Octavia had struck Harley, but all she can do is let out a short, bitter laugh. It catches Octavia off guard because she must have expected her to start crying and apologize, begging for forgiveness she didn't deserve all over again. But the thing is, Harley is done. She's still grieving the loss of too many good people. She's still struggling with her self-hatred. She loathes herself. And Harley felt more alone than ever on a planet full of the last of the human race.

"If it makes you feel any better, you can't possibly hate me more than I hate myself for it," Harley promises Octavia.

Maybe it was because Octavia was realizing what could happen to her in a few hours if Xavier was right, but she turns pleading, or desperately demanding, "Then don't give me the bullshit story again. How could you do that to me?"

There's a crack in her voice that makes Harley have to hold her breath and breathe in sharply through her nose before she can let loose the tears burning her eyes. "I tried," she admits and wants to scream at the way her tone breaks. She blinks rapidly and shakes her head. "I did everything I could to save him, and I lost you for it. Tell me how that's bullshit."

A flash of anger hits Harley that only makes her want to cry harder when she sees Octavia roll her eyes. Octavia told Harley her story - it was time she knew hers.

"You think you were the first poisoned with Monty's algae?" Harley suddenly demands. Octavia flinches at the coldness in her tone, something she wasn't used to, not like Spacekru. "John was. I tried to offer myself to test Monty's algae, and he took it before I could. And... And he - " Harley has to pause and bite her lower lip. She feels a lump in her throat growing gradually, wanting to break out into a sob at the memory. It hurts so badly that it feels like she was on fire instead of the world.

" - He ended up like you. I watched him every day. When I couldn't sleep, I dragged my bed into his room and slept next to him. I love John. He's my brother I thought he was dying. It made me believe I was dying right along with him. It tore me open every. Single. Day. And for six years, I realized I'm nothing without him. When he hurts, I hurt. If he died, I'd die, too. John is the other half my soul and... There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. Nothing."

There's a heavy beat of silence. Neither of them knows what to say as Harley catches her breath. Then Octavia, who had been stunned until she was wordless, found something to say. "If you could turn back time, would you do it again?"

The question made Harley stop and think. Would she? Would she still side with Bellamy and slip the poisoned algae in Octavia's food? Or would she do something else? Would Harley have been able to convince Octavia, or Blodreina, there was a better way to live in the garden of Eden? Because if she was the same person before Praimfaya, before the ring, she wouldn't have made the choices she did.

But here's what Octavia didn't know, no matter how many times Harley tried to tell her - she did absolutely everything she could. She spent days trying to convince Octavia sending the worms to the valley was the wrong choice. She planned to sneak out with Bellamy in the rover to save their people before the worms would be sent there. God, she killed Kara Cooper to try and steer Octavia's attention from the worms. And Harley paid the price for it, fighting for her life in the bloody pit.

Haven't she's been punished enough? Hadn't she bled enough?

"Yes," Harley answers, but the voice speaking the word doesn't sound like her even though it's what she truly believes in her heart no matter how much she regrets it. "But if you could turn back time, would you do it again?" She counters.

Another silence follows, full of the two girls staring one another down, which gives Harley all the answers she needs. Octavia would make the same choices. She would still become Blodreina. She would still attempt to murder Murphy, Echo, Raven, and Emori just to prove a point - that was in power. Octavia would rather start a war than live peacefully, in better ways. That was the difference between them, and despite that, they weren't any better than each other.

Harley lets them sit in the quiet after that. It was better than them trying to defend their actions. It was better than her apologizing for something she couldn't change, for something she would do again. Harley hates herself even more at that moment, and wonders if there was a chance Octavia felt the same. They knew they loved one another, but it wasn't enough, not for forgiveness.

And maybe one day, in a Garden of Eden, the other would understand why they made the choices they did.

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By the time Diyoza and Xavier returned, this time all was silent. They could hardly breathe a word to one another after what happened. Even the bugs stopped chirping. The one who claimed he was a doctor had been pouring sap from a tree over Octavia's arm every few hours, but Harley didn't see a big change. Octavia was still fading away. She wanted to scream and cry, but it seemed pointless now. So did breathing.

"So... What's the verdict?" Octavia asks boredly. It's a poor attempt of a joke.

Xavier is too focused to react, but he replies with, "The spreading seems to have slowed."

"That's a good thing, right?" Octavia pressures.

Everyone sees Xavier's hesitation, even Diyoza who glances up from the journal she had been flipping through. "It's, uh, buying you some time," he eventually admits. That makes Harley knot her fingers in her short hair in frustration. She felt stupid enough to feel like there was a chance after time passed and Octavia didn't close her eyes and pass.

"I don't understand. It sped up my healing. Why is it slowing hers?" Diyoza questions.

"Because it isn't like she's bleeding," Harley points out quietly after she releases the grip she had. "It's not the kind of injury you can recover from with some kind of sap."

Harley was mostly just spewing words, but Xavier nods. "You're right. In other words, I suppose because you don't heal old age. But the truth is, I have no idea," he confesses.

Octavia's stare is blank as she deeply gazes into her surroundings. She's, again, attempting to come to terms with possible death. "How long do I have?" She asks, lifeless.

"Not long. A day, maybe two."

The first thing Harley feels is sorrow, powerful devastation that makes her heart fall with a painful beat. She surely thought she could feel it starting to break all over again. It was something she wouldn't survive again.

Diyoza, on the other hand, becomes frustrated and angry. There was something that made her suddenly care about Octavia and Harley, and Harley didn't know what it was. But Diyoza snaps the book shut and stands, squaring her shoulders. "You said it would cure her," she spits.

"Actually, I said it might," Xavier corrected. He lifts his head and locks eyes with Diyoza, so it doesn't prepare him when Octavia suddenly jerks forward. With her good arm, she reaches for the knife tucked in Xavier's belt, making him jump in surprise. "Whoa, what are you doing - ?"

"Cut it off," Octavia commands without any emotion. She thrusts the weapon into the air for someone to take it.

Harley's stomach violently churns. The image flashes in her mind, and there's no getting rid of it. Even if it did save Octavia's life.

"Bold move. Will it work?" Diyoza wonders. She moves to take the knife. "And if you say it might, we're gonna have a problem - "

"I'm not talking to you. Either of you." Octavia's eyes bounced to Harley after she yanks the blade away from Diyoza and spun it. She drove the handle of the knife towards Harley. "I only trust you."

A wave of emotions passes between them as they look deeply into the other's soul. Octavia wasn't doing it to torture Harley. Despite what she did, despite nearly killing her, she was still one of the only people Octavia trusted with her life. At the very least, more than Diyoza and Xavier. But that didn't make her feel any better.

This was something Harley's brain was telling her she couldn't do, something she wouldn't be able to handle, but her heart is what controls her. Her hand is reaching out and the tips of her fingers barely graze the wooden handle before Xavier pointed his finger in the air. "Hold on!" He exclaims, and Harley rips her hand back as if she had been burned.

"Your arm's movement," Xavier realized, and everyone's stare fell to Octavia's rotting wrist that continued to twirl, thin fingers twitching. "I want to try something." He rushed to dig through the ground and find a decently sized stone, placing it in Octavia's shriveled hand. "Here. Let it scrape against the boulder. Don't try to control your hand. Just let it move. Close your eyes," he instructed.

Harley watched silently as Octavia turns her head to see her as if it would have been the last time. Then she complied and closed her eyes. Her silence turned into amazement as she witnessed Octavia lean towards the boulder and scrape the rock against it like it was the lead of pencil scratching on paper. It was like she was in a trance as if something else completely was controlling her brain, her arm.

"That's enough," Xavier stops her after a moment. "Take a look."

Octavia lets out a deep exhale and opens her eyes. Harley slowly crouches behind her. Octavia's wrist is still turning like her hand wanted to continue drawing into the stone and add onto the spiral already there.

"A logarithmic spiral, the shape of the anomaly," Xavier gasps out in wonder. His dark eyes are glimmering under the radiating plants. "It's the source of the temporal flares."

"It's... It's amazing, alright, but I don't get it," Harley tells him in confusion. "What does it mean?"

"It's not just a tremor. It's a message. The anomaly's calling you..." Xavier begins to smile and peels back the collar of his shirt to reveal a spiral with strange symbols spotted across the curved lines tattooed on the left of his chest. "... Just like it called me."

The book Diyoza had been reading flashes them as she opens it. Scribbles of what Xavier called the anomaly had been drawn into the pages as Octavia had done to the boulder. "I guess we better see what the hell this anomaly wants," she decides.

Blue eyes belonging to Harley flickers from the tattoo to the drawing Octavia's withering limb made. It meant something, the part of her that was broken whispered to her. And she believed with all her heart it was true, and they had to find out what exactly it was.

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author's note:

it took me around twenty times before i finally stopped typing gabriel instead of xavier. and can i just say how much i loved him. y'all slept on him, he was so underrated. get ready for the brotp.

things are gonna get pretty intense from here. like, harley and octavia starting to understand each other? the anomaly? facing your demons? it's gonna happen. i have so much planned. no ones ready.

but, all in good time. i don't want to spoil anything. however ... some special characters from the past may make an appearance. perhaps soon.

😉

and thank you for reading ❤️

- koda