EARN WHAT YOU DESERVE.

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LOST IN FIRE (book three).
°• CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE •°

" WHAT IF I DON'T DESERVE IT? "

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        Harley still can't believe it. She just watched the final years of Monty Green and Harper McIntyre's life, looked into the eyes of their grown son, swore silently to protect him, honor their memory with peace, and she still can't believe it. She can't help but feel like pieces of her were missing like they were chips, fading away into space and gravitating towards the new planet that glowed as they accepted the parts of Harley she needed. She ached for her family to be back on this ship because it felt worse than nearly anything else. It was as if she laid down for a nap and woke up an hour later to the two deaths of people who weren't blood but were close enough to be considered it.

"I know this is a lot to process," Bellamy's voice echoes behind the group. Their eyes are still locked on the glass window and no one makes a move to face him. "Take an hour and meet in the mess. We need to game this out," he informed them gravely.

It was as if nothing changed at all. Bellamy and Clarke were still taking charge. "Guys, we survived. Monty made sure of it," Clarke adds on when no one moves. Harley cringes at the sound of her voice and pulls her hand from her brother to furiously wipe at her eyes. She's the last person here that she wants to listen to vent about Monty to her. Clarke didn't know Monty and Harper as she did, and they were all nearly killed because of her... So many years ago.

Abby is the first to smile. Her eyes light up, shining like the sun gazing back at them at her daughter's words. "Now we get our humanity back," she declared quietly - hopefully.

Lower lip trembling before it curls, Raven sneered out. "Some of us never lost it." She spun on her heel, her flowing brown hair that had been freed of its ponytail flying behind her and storms off to blow off steam. A second later, Shaw follows her.

Harley shares a despairing look with her brother that speaks thousands of words. She doesn't know if any of them deserve humanity after Earth was long gone, but maybe neither Raven or Abby was right. Monty gave his life to give them another chance, even if they didn't deserve it, so they can either take it or spit on his memory. Harley is the next to leave, swallowing thickly and turning away. She became something that was unrecognizable to her past self, had done so much wrong to her family, and could never take those things back.

She barely makes it away and down the hall before footsteps catch up with her and Murphy appeared. Harley feels her hand brush her arm and a gentle, "El - "

"They're gone," Harley choked out. She ripped her limb away from Murphy before he can try and pull her back. "It was... It was like we took a God damn nap and then woke up and now they're just gone." Her voice dropped into a whisper as fresh, new tears filled her eyes that she was so, so tired of fighting back. "I... I want them back. I want them back, John."

"I know. I want them back too," Murphy said soothingly. Harley feels him reach out with his one arm that wasn't in a sling and curled it over her shoulders, pulling her close to her chest in a hug. Harley wrapped her arms around his torso and buried her face into his shoulder as her body became racked with silent sobs. "You want to know how you see them? How you bring them back?" Murphy whispered, his chin hooked over the top of his sister's head. "You look at Jordan. You see them in his eyes, his smile. And then you make them proud to have known you."

His advice was so sincere it only makes Harley's heart start to ache so much more. She knows he's mostly right. They lived on through Jordan, who was smart and kind as much as they once were. She saw them when she looked in his eyes. Harley slowly pulls away from her brother's embrace and tries to avoid his gaze when she sees Murphy is full of pity for her. Harley's next words don't make it any easier because she's done awful things to people she would take a bullet for without thinking twice because at the time, she thought it was the only possible solution. "What if I don't deserve it?"

"You know it's not about deserving it, Harley. I never deserved it," Murphy replied firmly.

Harley grew defensive. "You earned it, John - " She cut herself off with realization when Murphy's lips twitched into a faint smile. "Earn it," she echoed her own words.

Murphy's thumbs grazed across Harley's cheeks to brush off the tears so maybe she could feel as brave as he knew she was. "Earn it, Harley. If not for you... Then for them."

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One hundred and twenty-five years later - and algae still tastes worse than sewage. Not that Harley would voice that as she used to in the ring. If she did, it'd feel like a disrespectful insult in Monty's memory when he prepared these bowls just for their friends when they woke up so they'd have the strength. Murphy cocks an eyebrow at his sister as her lips touched the rim and she let the slimy, green soup slide down her throat and rest unsettling in her stomach. Harley's tastebuds want to cry as does her gut that twists at the taste, but a complaint doesn't leave her mouth once. No one at the table does so either. She leaves her brother's gaze to meet Echo's eyes, who faintly smiles that she tries to return. Nothing feels right yet.

Jordan is separating their dishes of algae when the doors to the mess room slide open and Clarke strolls in. The weak smile Harley masked was wiped clean off of her face at the sight of her and she lets out a firm scoff before lowering her bowl back to the table. She was still hurt, badly hurt by Clarke abandoning her and Bellamy to die, and the best way to cover that pain was to be angry. So Harley was furious with Clarke and her impossible choices. But Jordan, who is too innocent compared to what they've been through, doesn't greet Clarke with hostility. "There you are! Checking on Madi?" He asked politely.

He reminds Harley so much of Monty and Harper that it's just like yet another blow to the chest. It calms some of her growing wraths when Clarke smiled at Jordan and nodded. "Yeah."

Jordan nodded. "My dad preserved this for when we woke up. I'm told it doesn't taste very good, but since it's all I've ever eaten..." He trailed off with a shrug before taking a bowl of algae off the tray and handing it to Clarke who grimaced as she stared into it before thanking him unsurely. Harley wonders if she remembers what poor food tasted like after living so many years in the paradise that was Eden. She doesn't speak up, though, only tuning out of their conversation when Jordan's voice drops to a whisper as he gestured to Abby, who's thin hands were pressed together while she blankly stared at the wall.

After a few words, Jordan takes off, rushing out of the mess room and leaving Clarke to hesitantly walk past their table as she's aware that she's been outcasted by most of them. Bellamy's voice is light as he speaks to her, even though he surely must have the same feelings as Harley. "Hey, have you seen Raven or Shaw?" He questioned.

"You know, the people you handed over to our enemy to be tortured," Emori reminded her sarcastically before Clarke can get a word in. Her lips press into a thin line of shame.

"Right after leaving my sister to die," Murphy added flatly. "Now, for Clarke, we call that a Tuesday."

"Easy," Echo warned them gently. "She did the right thing in the end." Harley frowned deeply at that. Why would Echo defend Clarke? They all could have died because of her poor choices and Echo of all people should have understood that.

Clarke doesn't bother defending her actions the way that Echo had. "No," she responded softly. "I haven't seen them."

"Good." Harley had too much practice copying Murphy's perfect glare that could kill over the years and uses it to her advantage since they share the same features. Strong pride swells in her chest when she notices Clarke flinch as if the scowl alone had physically struck her. "Keep it that way, then." The threat in her words was clearer than her glare and Clarke catches on. She gives Harley a subtle nod with a look of guilt that she doesn't care to notice before walking away to join her mother at the table she was benched at alone.

Spacekru's table fills with silence. Harley can feel Bellamy's gaze on her, warningly before she lifted her head up and stared back at him. "What?"

"Go easy on her, Harley," Bellamy said. He was trying to say so carefully like one wrong word would be full of gasoline and start another flame in the angered girl. "You had seven others for six years. She only had Madi and she feels like she had to protect her."

"Even if that meant sacrificing us after we saved her damn life? Getting Raven tortured? Killing hundreds of innocent people, or causing the world to be destroyed?" Harley spat back. "You're so right. Let's all hold hands and forget our losses." She knows her attitude is becoming out of her hands and that she sounds like nothing but an angry sixteen year old girl.

But here's the thing - Harley was never an angry sixteen year old girl. She was happy even when the world held her by the throat and told her not to be. The rage was a spark the second she entered the ring in space and grew into the bonfire it is now, powerful enough to be a nuclear bomb. But this universe had enough of those. Harley shook her head and brushed her fingers against the empty bowl with a sudden sorrowful look.

She missed Monty and Harper in a way Clarke could never understand, and most of her believed they'd still be alive today if Clarke didn't make the choices she did. But Harley didn't say that because she was afraid of what her family would say if she did. They all still owed Clarke their lives from the day she saved them from Praimfaya, but maybe they were even now, and it seemed like Bellamy and Echo were on her side. "She wasn't alone in that," he reminded Harley with a little more harshness in his tone this time.

Harley knows immediately who he's mentioning. Octavia. Her lips mash tightly together to keep words of poison from escaping but her blue eyes turned as cold as ice to give away her true feelings. He blames Octavia when they pushed her that far? To believe a war on the last survivable ground was their only option? Octavia was guilty, sure, but Harley wasn't about to crown herself on a high horse as Bellamy had. They've all done so much wrong, yet she was furious he could forgive Clarke but not his sister after they nearly killed her.

"... Will first-culture algae do?" Jordan announced, having overheard the conversation between the mother and daughter. He strides to them with a tray in his hands, carefully balancing a metal canister. "My dad wanted me to give this to you."

"The stuff Bellamy and Harley used on Octavia," Clarke realized. To save Clarke, Harley remembered angrily, but she bit her tongue and kept that in too.

"Exactly," Jordan agreed. So Monty must have told him that too, Harley thought. "The first generation induces coma. He was hoping you could use it... To save Kane," he explained, giving a stunned Abby the canister.

Abby turned it in her hands that have become steady before looking up to Jordan gratefully. "Thank you." Jordan widely smiled back, dimples crating in his cheeks. It sends a pang to Harley's heart because, for a second, all she could see was Harper. "Take Jackson to the ground," Abby instructed Clarke as they both rose away from their food. "I'll wake up Niylah to assist me."

The doors slide open for Abby to leave and their two new members to join them. "What did we miss?" Raven asked with a joyful bounce in her step, one hand clasped in Shaw's and the other one stuffed in her back denim pocket. Jordan went to greet them with bowls of algae as Bellamy took charge.

"Nothing. It's about time, take a seat." He stood as the pair sat and waited for their new demands. "Okay, everyone. Listen up. Here's what we know. Eligius III was a colonizing mission. According to the file, the mothership went to five planets that met necessary conditions for life, dropping mission teams on each one. Monty picked planet Alpha for us because it's the closest and probably the most like Earth."

Murphy tilted his head. "Was there a probably?" He echoed in disbelief.

"We have to assume they couldn't know for sure until they got here. We can scan the atmosphere from the bridge," Shaw suggested.

That seemed to appease Murphy until Jordan interrupted. "Actually, we can't. None of the equipment we used to monitor Earth is working. I'm guessing it's interference from the ionosphere," he offered with a hand gesture to their leader.

Bellamy nodded back. "Bottom line is, we won't know if it's survivable until we get down there."

"Sounds familiar," Clarke commented with a raise of her eyebrows. Harley thinks it sounded like something that happened so long ago that it was out of reach, out of memory.

"What about radio signals? Anything from the ground that says the mission team survived?" Raven threw out hopefully.

But Bellamy shook his head. "No radio signals," he dismissed.

"Likely also the ionosphere," Jordan repeated. "There is an ultra-high-frequency ping on radar, faint, but..."

"A rescue beacon," Shaw finished for him. "We used them on Eligius IV to - "

"Great!" Emori exclaimed. "If there's a beacon, that means someone's down there, right?"

Shaw winced. "Not necessarily. They're solar."

"So, they can last forever," Raven added with a roll of her eyes. "How long ago did Eligius III get here?" She questioned Jordan curiously.

"Hard to tell since they never radioed back, but best estimate... Years, give or take," he said, taking a shot in the dark.

"That's a long time to wait for a rescue," Murphy mumbled.

Harley leaned over to rest her hand over her brother's, starting to feel warmness instead of anger. "Hey, there's no doubt in my mind," she said quietly. "I trust Monty." Murphy's muscles relax under her touch.

"So do I," Echo agreed, earning a few nods. She looked over her shoulder to smile at Harley. If there's one thing that held everyone in the room together, regardless of the bad blood, was Monty Green's memory and how they could honor it. This was how they could start, by taking a chance on what they left for them after everything he selflessly sacrificed.

"Great. Then it's settled," Bellamy decided firmly after a beat of silence. "We land at a distance, give us time to acclimate. We'll wait for them to come to us."

No one is surprised by Clarke's next declaration. "Let's talk about guns," she stated. "If we have them, we'll use them."

Just like that, Harley's warmness fades and she pulls her hand away from Murphy's. "Wow, the mighty Wanheda already drawing battle plans." She scoffed. "Who would have thought?"

"We're taking guns," Bellamy told Harley who rolled her eyes. Monty's final wish was clear. He wanted peace. How would bringing guns and weapons do that? "We're also taking nonlethals. Now, Eligius IV had gas grenades and shock batons to control the criminals. We won't shoot first this time."

Huffing, Raven crossed her arms over her chest and pressed her back against the table's edge. "In that case, Clarke should stay here," she muttered, although her words were very clear. Clarke didn't pretend the attacks from Harley and Raven didn't hurt. Her eyebrows shot up and her head tilted back to the ceiling as if she was fighting back tears.

"Raven, you're the one that's staying here," Bellamy informed her.

Raven nearly shot up like a rocket in surprise at his choice. "What?" She demanded. "Like hell I am!"

"Look, we can't take both our pilots. And since we'll be flying blind until we're below the ionosphere, it has to be Shaw." Shaw's head lowered as Bellamy made another decision, this time for their newest friend. "That's not all. Jordan, you're staying too."

"Me?" Jordan asked, his voice small but filled with shock. "Why?"

"I know it's hard, but your parents asked us to keep you safe. We have no idea what's waiting for us down there," Clarke said calmly. Jordan clearly doesn't like it, but he doesn't protest.

"Which is why we should take our best fighters," Echo strongly suggested, her eyes locking with Bellamy's.

She obviously means Octavia and Harley's mind immediately wandered to the girl she loved and hurt. It wasn't only that she agreed with Echo, that if they have to bring weapons then they do need their best fighters, but she desperately wanted to see her again even though it felt like she took a nap right after talking to her. "She's right," Harley voiced her opinion despite knowing by the look on Bellamy's expression that he didn't want to admit it. "We need to take Octavia, maybe a few of those that sided with her, like Miller and Indra. If you want to be prepared, that's how."

"My sister is the last person I trust not to shoot first, so she stays on ice with everyone else until we know what we're dealing with," Bellamy asserted. Harley is finding it harder and harder to hold herself back. Where did all that guilt go that Bellamy showed before? She thought it was something they shared after poisoning Octavia, but now he's suddenly placing the blame on her shoulders that were heavy enough.

"And if it's too late by then?" Echo urged.

His shoulders heave as Bellamy deeply sighed. "Fine. I'll wake up Miller," he stubbornly decided. "Say your good-byes. Head to the transport ship."

"Well, I call shotgun," Murphy called out sarcastically but Harley didn't pay attention or even move when the others did.

If Bellamy wouldn't let her wake Octavia up, then everyone Harley loved was here. There was no one left for her to say good-bye to.

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author's note:

harley's chill: 0%, not found.

just to be clear, i see clarke's reasoning for her daughter and i absolutely adore her character but i'm writing from harley's perspective, not mine! believe me, she won't be staying like this. their brotp will be back, i promise.

however, the brotp between her and bellamy is slowly going into flames hehehe.

the next two chapters, likely not three but possible depending on how much i get out, will not be full of octavia being there as harley is definitely going to sanctum while octavia's in the ship but they're coming back i promise!!

lastly, sorry for not updating for awhile, i wanted to wait until season 7 came out so i wouldn't mess up what i have planned for season 6. but it's out today, so i'm back! that first episode was so intense but i'm so ready. i'll be back here as soon as i hopefully can ❤️

- koda