*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧—chapter thirty-four: free therapy is better than no therapy

(tw: internalized homophobia, mentions of homophobia)

LEWIS STARES AT HIM FROM ACROSS THE ROOM. It had been exactly five hours and Poe had not said a word to him. He's standing in the kitchen. Poe is sitting on the couch. He had just finished helping Poe move the last of his things into this flat. And now, there's an uncomfortable silence filling the air.

"You're worrying again," Lewis says after a moment, breaking the silence. "I can practically feel it radiating off of you from all the way over here."

"What if Nico finds out I never left Monaco?" Poe says, wrapping his arms tightly around himself, staring blankly at the television. The screen is on, but he hasn't registered a single thing playing on it. "What if he finds out that I'm still here, in this same building, but on a different floor, opposite wing?"

"He's going to be upset, obviously. With both of us. Because I didn't tell him your whereabouts and you're completely ignoring him... I still think this is the stupidest thing you could be doing right now, man," Lewis mutters as he moves away from the counter and takes a seat across from Poe, sitting in the armchair. "But, since you don't want him to find out yet, I suggest just avoiding him any chance you get. Stay on the down-low. Leave before he does; if he takes the lift, you take the stairs, and vice versa; and cover your head when you go out in case he ends up seeing you; or, you know, you could even just stay holed up in here. And I wouldn't even worry about showing up to your job anytime soon. You did tell your editors you got something going on, right?"

"Yeah..." Poe answers, his voice quiet as he looks away from the TV, his gaze dropping to his lap. He's messing with the ends of the sleeves out of habit. He's wearing one of the several jumpers he owns. This one is yellow. "Sometimes I think remote work is better anyway. It's less stressful. I don't have eyes watching my every move. I don't have people all over me trying to pry into my personal life."

Lewis nods in understanding, though he stays quiet.

They live in a world that isn't very forgiving. And then there's Nico, who seems to have everything and anything because he's rich and they're not. Nico claims he sees them, claims he understands what they go through, but they know he doesn't, not really. He says these things just to make them feel better, but they know he would never understand it fully because it's something he's never had to experience. But at least Nico isn't a snob.

"I know what I'm doing isn't fair to Nico," Poe says, looking back up at Lewis now. "And I know he's not losing hope, I know he's not giving up. But..."

"But what?" Lewis prompts, a brow raised. He isn't exactly trying to pry. Of course, he understands Poe is still trying to figure things out.

"But I think, for now, he needs to learn how to do this without me," Poe continues, "because I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go back."

"You're punishing yourself for leaving," Lewis says in realization. "Poe—"

"I feel so guilty, Lew. So guilty," Poe says, his voice wavering as he speaks. "Do you ever feel like that no matter what you do, you're never going to be enough?"

Lewis purses his lips, thinking for a moment. "I think people feel like that sometimes, well, maybe some more than others. With you though? I don't know, man. I think with you, it's a bit more complicated than that."

"What do you mean?" Poe questions, brows furrowing in confusion.

He leans back with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling, watching the fan blades spin. "I think you carry it around more than most people. Like it's... always there, lingering, waiting, wanting to be seen."

Poe looks down at his hands again, picking at a thread on his sweatpants now. "Maybe. Maybe it is," he murmurs. "I don't know. I just... It's like... this thing that's always been a part of me, you know? This... This shame. I feel like I'm walking around with a piece of paper taped to my back like those 'Kick me' signs. But instead of it saying 'Kick me,' it says 'Not worth it.'"

"You're not—" Lewis starts, but Poe cuts him off, his eyes narrowed at him as he shakes his head.

"Don't," he says quietly. "Don't tell me that I'm wrong. Because I've spent my entire life trying to convince myself of that and now... now it's just getting really exhausting trying. I don't know what to do anymore, Lew."

Lewis doesn't say anything as he glances back over to Poe. He can see this unfamiliar look on his face, and he's not able to read his expression. It could've been anything, really.

Poe exhales shakily as he sits up in his spot on the couch, pulling his legs up to his chest as he rests his chin on his knees. "You know... I don't think I've ever told anyone this before," he starts, his voice barely above a whisper. "Not even to Nico. Not really. And I really hate labels."

Lewis' gaze is fully fixed on him now.

"Like, I wouldn't ever call myself an orphan, even though it's essentially what I am," Poe clarifies. "So, then this would be the same thing. Except, not really. I've known for a while that I'd be considered what people see as wrong."

Lewis raises a brow, a flicker of curiosity showing in his eyes.

"I remember the boys in school were always talking about their girlfriends, and the girls were always talking about their boyfriends. But I always had conflicted feelings about it whenever they discussed it. I didn't know whether or not to be jealous, you know? Sure, I liked girls then, I still do. I still like girls, but the attraction I have to them isn't the same as it is with... guys." He pauses then, his jaw clenched. "I guess I always kind of hated myself for it, even now, I think."

"Why do you suppose that is?" Lewis asks, his tone gentle.

"Because, like most people, I was taught that there's one specific way you need to be and any other way is sin," Poe says bitterly. "For the longest time, that's what I believed. Even when my father would tell me that it didn't matter what people thought, as long as what you feel in your heart is what you feel is right."

"And do you feel it's right?" Lewis questions.

"Hm?" Poe tilts his head slightly as he looks at him.

"What you feel now. Do feel it's right? Did you listen to your heart?"

"I... Well, yes. I have. But it got complicated because I couldn't tell anyone, you know? And then I think sometime after meeting Nico is when I fully realized," he admits. "Coming to terms with it, I think, was the hardest part. But after a while, it got easier because he understands. I think it's the same for him."

It's the same for me, too, or at least, I think so, Lewis wanted to say. But he keeps his mouth shut.

Poe is watching him out of curiosity, a hint of confusion on his face. Lewis doesn't notice, however, deciding to acknowledge what the other just said. So he nods in understanding, though he can tell there's more that Poe wants to say, to get off his chest. So, he falls into a comfortable silence again, allowing him to continue.

"I never wanted to put a label on it, not really. The ones that already exist, I feel like none of them fit how I really feel. So, maybe it doesn't need to have a label. Maybe it doesn't have to be anything at all. Maybe I can just be me." A pause. "But for somewhere like Monaco, this is not exactly the safest place for people like us." He laughs bitterly again, shaking his head. "No matter what I call it, even if I don't, it won't matter anyway. People are still going to judge. They'll judge me. They'll... They'll judge us."

"And that's why you're scared. That's why you ran," Lewis says, processing everything Poe has said so far. "Because you don't want to deal with the wrong people if they find out."

Poe nods. "I'm surprised we were even able to set that all up and have the wedding here. And then I found out the officiant is gay. But of course no one knows that. He told me himself, actually. He said he does this because wants to help others in our... community. I think you can call it that. Same-sex marriage isn't even legal here. I remember he suggested that Nico and I go to Denmark to make it official. To sign the papers. That's what we did for our honeymoon."

"That was very considerate of him."

"Yeah." Poe is silent for a moment. "But I'm still worried about everything else. I mean, the blind item is still out there on the internet. Who knows how many people have figured out by now that Nico Rosberg has a husband? It's only s matter of time before people find out it's me. And if people are criticizing him for it, well, he hasn't told me. I understand why he hasn't, if that's the case."

"Because he doesn't want you to worry any more than you already have."

"Yes, but," Poe sighs, "it's why we've agreed to tell each other things. So we can figure it out and deal with it together."

"But you didn't do that when you left," Lewis notes, shifting positions so his legs drape over the armrest.

"No, I didn't. It was stupid of me. I wasn't thinking," Poe says with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. "Lewis, do you... do you think I'm a bad person?"

Lewis shakes his head, a look of disbelief on his face at the fact that Poe even thinks for one second he's not a good person. "What you did wasn't the smartest choice, but it doesn't make you a bad person. You're not evil either, I know you've probably thought that too."

"Thank you, and I mean it, Lew," Poe says, smiling at him. "For listening to me. For being here."

"You're saying that as if Nico doesn't already do that for you," Lewis says with a slight frown.

"Well, he's not here, is he?"

"And whose fault is that?" Lewis says.

Poe huffs. "It's mine."

"Exactly." Lewis shifts positions again and sits back up. "I still think you should apologize to him. The radio silence on your end is getting rather annoying. He's come to me crying at least five times already and you still haven't even bothered to pick up your phone. The least you could do is text him."

"I'll talk to him... eventually."

"Poe!" Lewis groans, tossing his head back.

author's note
this chapter basically wrote
itself idk. originally i had
no idea where i was going
with this and i guess i made
it work out in the end, so
you're welcome

01.25.25