*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧—chapter fifteen: nothing's new

(tw: mentions of self-harm, implied self-harm)

POE HAS NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE. At least, not that he remembers. He's stood in front of his bathroom mirror, staring at his reflection with disdain. It's the first time he's properly looked at himself in a mirror in years and all he can think about is how much he looks like his parents. It doesn't hurt to think about them anymore, but he doesn't feel right. Marlon's buried six feet under and Anya's probably dead somewhere. But doesn't know. He doesn't care.

However, the longer he stands here and stares at his reflection, the more he wishes he could swap bodies with someone else.

For some time now, he's fought off the urge to scratch at his skin until he draws blood. At least doing that would be safer than trying to cut himself with something that would be sharp enough. Poe's not suicidal or anything, he just wants this pain to go away and he has no idea how to go about it without hurting himself somehow. For example, the Christmas party, when he spent his time getting drunk and Nico had to stop him before he ended up blacking out. Or the several times where his roommates had interrupted him trying to drown himself with steaming hot water in the shower. Honestly, out of all the things Poe's tried, those were probably the safest options. If he'd tried anything else, he'd most likely already be dead.

He grips the counter, his knuckles turning white. His breathing's picked up pace and it's labored as he glances back up at his reflection, taking note of his current state. Beneath his eyes, the skin's marred crimson and violet from the lack of sleep he's been experiencing for the past week. He's been getting at most three hours each night, sometimes none at all, and it's definitely starting to catch up to him. Taking a shaky breath, he turns away from the mirror as he feels his eyes well up with tears. Wiping at his eyes, he pushes away from the counter and leaves the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

✧ ✧ ✧

"Hey, you okay?"

Poe glances up from his what he's scribbling in the corner of a page in his journal to see Raphael, one of his roommates, and, conveniently one of the people he has in most of his classes, looking at him worriedly. He sighs as he sets his pen down and rests his elbow on the desk, propping his chin up on the palm of his hand.

"We're, like, what? Halfway into today's lecture and you still haven't taken the notes," Raphael whispers, pointing to the unfilled lines in Poe's notebook. "You've been scribbling nonsense the entire time. What's up?"

"Don't need to take notes when it's the same shit every time we have a lecture," Poe says with a roll of his eyes. "Besides, the professor's assigned us ten essays in the past four months and I've already finished every single one. With a passing grade, of course."

"Poe, what the fuck?" Raphael blinks, his mouth agape as he stares at the brunet.

Poe gives him a sheepish smile and shrugs slightly. "I've had too much free time."

"Clearly," Raphael says with a quiet chuckle, rolling his eyes playfully. "You wanna help me with this next essay?"

✧ ✧ ✧

After the lecture, the boys spend their afternoon going over what the professor required for the essay. Mind you, this essay was assigned three weeks ago. Poe got it done within the first week. It's due next week, at the end of the month. Raphael hadn't even started it yet. All he has is a rough draft but there were so many problems with it that Poe didn't want to help him anymore. Usually, Poe helping Raphael with the essays was just the two of them going over what Raphael should and shouldn't write on the paper. Everything else was straightforward and Raphael did fine afterwards.

"I can't even read this. What the fuck did you write? Merde." Poe stares at the draft, squinting as he struggles to read the words on the paper. It looks like chicken scratch, and Poe knows for a fact that that isn't how Raphael normally writes, so what the fuck did he do?

"I kind of rushed it, sorry," Raphael says with a shrug. "You want me to read it for you?"

"No, no, it's fine, I figured it out." Poe sets the draft down on the table and grabs a pen from out of his bag. "Here, let me just finish this peer review."

It takes about ten minutes, because Poe really wanted to make sure Raphael gets a good score on the final draft. He hands the rough draft back to him and puts the pen away.

"Thanks," Raphael says, flashing him a smile as he carefully stores the rough draft into a folder in his bag. "I'll work on this tonight."

"I hope so."

"Hey. I will."

"You better."

"Poe, I'm going to, okay?"

"You waited until the last week to work on this one, but if you did it weeks ago, the professor could've given you feedback instead of me to fix it."

"I'm sorry," Raphael puts his hands up in mock surrender. "It's not my fault, I swear. I haven't had time to start it because of football. I've been so tired after practice."

"No, I get it. It's fine. But you better fucking start that essay."

"I will! Shut up!"

✧ ✧ ✧

It's ten o'clock at night that night when Poe wakes up to find Raphael seated at the kitchen island in the apartment, working on his final draft. Poe had only woken up because he was hungry—he forgot to have dinner—and was planning to make something quick and easy.

"Hey."

"Hi." Raphael looks up from what he's written so far to watch what Poe's doing. "What are you gonna eat?"

"Dunno yet. Might just make a sandwich at this point," Poe says as he opens up the pantry and takes out the bread.

"Knowing you, you are definitely not going to eat a sandwich at ten o'clock at night," Raphael says as he gets down from the stool and enters the kitchen. He picks up the bread bag and puts it back in the pantry. Instead, he takes out a box of cereal. "We have cereal. You want Frosted Flakes instead?"

Poe eyes the box. "Are those Frosties?"

"Huh?" Raphael just stares at him, confused.

"Sorry. That's what we call them."

"Oh. Yeah, Frosties. You want some? I could make you a bowl?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Thanks." Poe takes a seat at the island. "You know, me and Nico and Lewis, we eat this like all the time."

"Yeah? Doesn't that go against their diet?" Raphael questions as he pours the cereal into a bowl and then grabs the milk from the refrigerator.

"So does pizza and vanilla ice cream, but who am I to tell them that? We enjoy it. Something we've always done."

"Speaking of Nico—sorry to interrupt—, you guys are getting married soon, right?" Raphael sets the bowl down on the counter.

"Yeah. Nothing too grand, though. Just something a bit private. We don't want too many people there. Just inviting his parents, Lewis, and some others," Poe answers as Raphael hands him a spoon.

"Do you mind if me and the boys come? This might sound ridiculous, but I've never been to a wedding before and—"

"You don't have to ask," Poe says with a chuckle. "I planned on inviting you, Noel, and Sean anyway."

"Really? Thanks." Raphael sits back down in his seat, patting him on the shoulder. "It's gonna be great, man. I'm sure of it."

"Yeah." Poe smiles. "Me too."

author's note
going back to nico's pov
after this. i just wanted to
get a chapter out with poe's
pov since we haven't had
that in a good few chapters

11.13.24