chapter four- the first thing i got right; janah

"have you ever wondered what a human life was worth?"

a/n: hello my loves. this is a very triggering topic for a lot of people (i wish that is wasn't) including my self at one point. please please don't read if you're still recovering from something along the lines of this or are triggered by it. it's a little graphic and there's definitely big mentions of it. i don't ever want to create a bad headspace or environment on any of my books, so if somethings triggering, PLEASE DONT READ IT. i love you and my pms are always open 🤍

warnings: big mentions of r@pe, just sad and kind of depressing in general, end is sorta nice i guess, don't count on it

song: body by jordan suaste 

♫

july twelfth, twenty twenty one

june sixteenth, twenty nineteen was day i felt my livelihood start to trickle down the drain.

it started as a fairly good day. i hung out with jonah and eben, i was going to boa later with my family. i had much to look forward to. in life and on that day.

at least, i thought i did.

after leaving jonah, eben, and corbyn's house i was supposed to be headed to boa to meet my mom, stepdad, and sisters. all i could think about was the great time i had at jonahs the night before. i won't get into details but let's just say it was the first of what i thought would be many. we'd only be dating a small amount of time, but i was so in love with him, and had been for the last two years practically. i still am, but it's hard to be in love with someone after what happened to me.

boa was great. after i hugged my family goodbye i was walking back to my car. while i was walking, i texted jonah, telling him i'd be at his house in twenty, maybe thirty with traffic.

my first mistake; never text until you're in your car and the doors are locked.

i got to my car, climbing in but kept my foot planted on the ground outside the car, still finishing up the conversation with jonah.

my second mistake; close your car doors and keep your feet as far from the underside of the car as you can.

when i felt the car move, i didn't think anything of it. it was a fairly light car after all.

my third mistake; always be suspicious if you're alone.

i didn't think anything of it until someone grabbed my leg from the underside of the car. i screamed but it didn't do any good.

my fourth mistake; always park where people are within yelling distance. if you have to, pay extra for valet, it's not worth your life.

the guy pulled himself out from under the car, using my leg as leverage.

"why hello there pretty boy," he leaned in close to whisper. he pulled a knife, holding it against my trachea. i struggled but as soon as his knife slit a sliver into the skin of my throat, i stopped.

let me stop you here. let's reflect. have you ever wondered what a human life is worth? that night it was worth sex. a quick fuck that would make his night, and crush my life between his greasy, sweaty fingers. it's like i can still feel them on my body while i yelled and screamed until i almost passed out. he made sure i didn't though.

you can probably imagine the things he did to me in the alley behind boa steakhouse that night. it's funny, if you asked me to recall every second of the encounter with that man, i could tell you, every. last. bit. i was left there bruised and with a limp, but he made sure to leave marks only where they were easy to cover. he'd done this before.

i walked to my car like nothing had happened. 'oh me? i just have a slight limp, hurt it playing basketball! that's all.' for some reason i was ashamed. i still am. i feel like the world is gonna crush me with,

"how could you let this happen to you"'s and "you should've been prepared"'s and "you're lying, you attention seeking slut"

i felt like all those things were true. when i got home, jonah was furious. furious was an understatement actually. jonah hates conflict, but when i got home looking absolutely fine to the unwary eye,he just kinda, exploded. but see, jonah explodes the way you would expect a carbon monoxide bomb to. fast, but quiet, slowing killing everyone from the inside while they didn't even realize it. and somehow, that's worse than being yelled at.

there was a lot of angry eyebrows, and cold "where have you been"'s. i wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor and create a puddle on the floor simultaneously. i wanted to break and cry and thrown things. break them exactly like that disgusting man broke me, but i stood there. i couldn't decide between that and breaking down so jonah could just hold me. pet my hair and tell me it was all going to be alright. i couldn't decide so i chose neither. i chose to stand there and take it.

my last mistake: always tell someone. they might not believe you, but it's better than living with it like a murderer carries a guilty conscience.

i keep telling myself, it's not your fault, it's not your fault. it was bad timing, wrong place at the wrong time, could've happened to anyone. but when i look back at all the things i could've done better, i feel like maybe i deserved it.

♫

jonah felt his tears freely running down his face at this point, closing the journal. he didn't want to read any more.

"you waited two years to tell me this," he bit hit lip as more tears cascaded down his face, "you stayed holed up, keeping your distance for two years?"

"are you angry?" jack looked up, his tears also freely flowing down his face.

"of course i am! i fucking pissed, but not at you. how could you think that i would be angry at you? i'm your fucking boyfriend for gods sake! i'm fucking furious that this happened to you. i'm fucking furious that this is the world we live in. i'm fucking furious at myself," that last one broke the older. freely sobbing he turned away from jack.

jack was puzzled, "why are you mad at yourself?"

"BECAUSE I DIDNT UNDERSTAND SOONER. you came home that night and all i did was scold you like you were a child i need of a timeout instead of seeing if my fucking boyfriend was okay. i let you limp up to my room, and i didn't even notice because i was so fucking pissed at you. sure yeah, you didn't tell me, but i can't be mad at you for that because how could you after i created such a closed off environment without ever noticing. i'm pissed at myself because i wasn't there to protect you when you needed it most. i'm fucking pissed at myself because i let you go two years being distant from me, and because i was so selfish i tried to convince myself that it was some minuscule exterior reason. i fucking pissed at myself because when i tried to touch you after that and you winced and pulled away, that i didn't immediately ask what was wrong. so no, jack, i'm not mad at you, but i'm fucking pissed at myself."

"can you look at me please?" jack whispered out, it'd been a long time sice jack had said that, "you're right. you didn't create the best headspace to come to you, but were both in the wrong. look at the full picture, you were so understanding. do you know how many times i've been yelled at by the other boys because i'm scared to come to dinner? or drive by myself? you stayed with me for two years and respected my boundaries. i'm scared and i'm hurt and i still remember every last detail, of every second of that encounter, and i'm not saying that's going to go away anytime soon, but telling you, it might be a start. i've lived with this on my own for the past two years and i'm so done with it. i want to tell the boys, i want to tell my family, but i wanted to tell you first. and that means everything."

♫

june sixteenth, twenty twenty three

this day is always hard for me. i think about it all the time, i can't go to boa anymore, i can't walk down the street alone at night, sometimes i remember it at random moments and have panic attacks. this day is harder for me though. it's constant ptsd, but my husband, jonah helps me through it. he's been the best thing that's ever happened to me since i told him two years ago. the boys are all also very supportive, along with my family and friends, but they understand some days are harder than others.

jonah says this thing sometimes, "you're stronger than you believe ," and over the past four years i've found that to be true. i make it through the anniversary of the worst day of my life every year. sure there's some ups and downs, but i make it. and tomorrow's always a new day.

the first thing i got right; jonah.

♫

a/n: i am so sorry. god. i made myself cry writing this one. anyway, i hope you're able to recover. i'll have some fluff out to heal your pain soon.

xoxo, sophie 🧚‍♀️

🧚‍♀️ one thousand and fifty four words 🧚‍♀️