Dear Darling,

I can't believe how long it's been without you. I've lasted a month. A whole month without you and it still hurts just as bad as day one. We were supposed to take on the world together, remember? That's what you promised me but then again, you promised me a lot of different things and now, you've broken all of your promises.

My favourite promise/lie you told me was that you would love me until the day that you died. You're still very much alive and you don't love me anymore.

Remember when you told me that my love would always be enough for you? I guess it wasn't.

I gave my everything to you. I gave you everything but still, it wasn't enough.

How are you getting on, Ben? I keep talking about myself in these letters and reminiscing but I never ask about you. Probably because I don't expect an answer from you. You don't even answer my texts so why would you answer my letters when a text is minimal effort? 

I see you're still playing for Leicester. I've always liked that club, you knew that. They've done the unexpected time and time again. Everyone needs to stop underestimating them because you lot pounce when everyone least expects it. 

I've also heard about the strong rumours. You could be heading to Chelsea? I'm not sure how I feel about that to be completely honest. I always thought that you were much better suited to Leicester. Besides, you have James, your best friend at Leicester. But it doesn't concern me in the slightest. I have absolutely no say in what you do. It's completely your decision and you should do what makes you happiest. It probably seems strange for you to see me say that but I mean it. We might not have worked out, Ben but I want you to be happy. It's what you deserve. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I'm sad that I can't help provide your happiness but that's life, right?

How are you sleeping? I remember sleep being a big thing for you. You needed it to be energised for training and games. You hated it when we had late nights, watching films and losing track of time. It messed with your head because you thought that you wouldn't be able to perform well when you were running on less than eight hours of sleep.

If this break up had affected you the same way that it has affected me then you won't be sleeping well at all. In a way, I hope that this break up has affected you as badly as me (I realise how selfish that sounds but please, hear me out). I struggle to sleep without your arms wrapped around me. I struggle to sleep without you giving me a kiss every single night before we fall asleep. I struggle to sleep without you telling me about your day over a mug of hot chocolate or tea. that was always my favourite part of the day. I loved hearing you tell me about what James had done to annoy you that day or the pranks that had taken place in the dressing room. It always brought a smile to my face without fail, regardless of how bad my day had been. You were living your dream and that made me so incredibly happy and proud of you.

Thinking about it now, you probably don't need to answer my question about sleep. I still watch every Leicester match on the tv. You're performing even better now on the pitch than when you were with me. Maybe you're using the pain as fuel? That's what I hope anyway. I'd hate to think that I was holding you back. Anyway, my point is, you look like you're getting enough sleep, even if I'm not in your arms as we fall asleep. Even if we're not in the same bed. Even though we're separated by hundreds of miles. It breaks my heart a little bit to see that you're coping so well without me but at the same time, I'm glad that you are. I wouldn't want you to be feeling so sorry for yourself.

I don't know how often these letters are going to become. I don't know if you read them or not but I know for certain that you don't reply. I'm sorry if these letters burden you but they allow me to empty my feelings onto the page and I guess some part of me still hopes that there's still a chance for us.

l̶o̶t̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶

Estella (your shining star)

a/n: a song that really fits this chapter is 'all the lies' by the vamps. if you want it to be a but sadder, i recommend the acoustic version.

do you guys ever wake up and wonder what on earth happened whilst you were sleeping and wake up with a few injuries or bruises? i better not be the only one. i woke up this morning with a bit of a black eye so goodness knows what i was doing last night...

enjoy and stay safe!

lots of love, e x