Dear Estella,

I'm sorry. I've only just received all of your letters. Truth be told, I'm not coping very well either. My house is a mess. I don't have you here nagging me to tidy up after myself, you see? I did always think that we balanced each other out very well. You were neat and I was messy. You were always stressed out and I was stress free. What do people say? Ying and Yang? I think that's it.

I realise that you had a few questions for me in your letters so I'll try and answer some of them for you.

I remember our first date so clearly. It was undoubtedly one of the best days of my life. I was so nervous before I met you that night. James will tell you. I was continually texting and calling him, asking him stupid little questions but when you showed up, I knew that I had hit the jackpot. You were stunning. 

I can still remember what you wore. You were wearing a red jumpsuit I think it's called? You know, the ones with the long legs? And you also had a denim jacket. We must have looked like a right pair of fuckwits. Matching on a date. I think the only people who still do that are my parents.

To be completely truthful, I was afraid that you would be one of those women who were beauty over brains but you, Stella, were lucky to have both. You knew who I was but you played it down as if I was just a regular guy. I really had to work for it with you but I appreciate it. It makes a change from everyone else who flings themselves at me just for the money.

Although that date of ours didn't go to plan in the slightest, it's probably my favourite.

Moving onto your second letter now. Yes, I made many promises to you and I believe that I kept all of them, if not, most of them.

Yes, I promised you that your love would always be enough for me. It still is and I think somewhere deep down, you know that. I didn't leave because you weren't enough for me. You know that, we discussed it so many times and it's unfair of you to accuse me of that, Stella. Please get that thought out of your head. It will help you to move on.

As for your bad day, I'm sorry about that. This was never going to be easy for either of us but it's what was best. 

I did leave my denim jacket deliberately. I'm glad you noticed. You've always been smart, Stella. As for my reason why? I had to leave something behind. I couldn't completely remove myself from your life without a single trace of me. It would've made you go crazy. Our relationship was real and I knew how much you loved that jacket. I wanted you to have something of mine to keep and as much as I loved that denim jacket, I figured that you needed it more than I did in that moment.

I don't mind that you wore it. In fact, I'm kind of glad you did. Maybe it will help you to move on quicker.

That nail person (what are they called?), should never have tried to get into your business. Thank you for keeping it quiet and between us. She could've sold the story to the papers and we really don't need that right now.

Stella, please don't ever think that I stopped loving you or that you weren't enough for me. It's strictly not true. Even now, as I'm writing this to you, my heart aches for you. I wish that I was beside you, sitting on our couch from IKEA, sipping on warm mugs of hot chocolate, eating one of your homemade meals and watching Disney+. 

You'll always hold a special place in my heart. You were my first real love. You taught me what true love is and I will always be grateful to you for that. I now know to never settle for anything less than what you showed me.

I'm convinced that I will always love you, Estella Hanlon and maybe you're right. Maybe we are a product of right person, wrong time.

Yours,

Benjamin x

a/n: this might be my favourite letter yet. i'm not sure why but i just love the way that ben is with estella.

we managed to watch hibs play livingston away today and we won 4-1! our new striker, nisbet, got a hattrick and doidge got a goal so we're very happy in this household.

barca have gone through in the champion's league. who are you backing to win it?
- we'll be backing barca because messi is just amazing. he's the goat (eww i can't believe i just said that!)

enjoy and stay safe!

lots of love, e x