Dear Ben,

Today was the hardest. The day that you left me, I crumbled to the floor and sobbed for hours on end. I had watched you drive away from me with all of your belongings in your car. I had managed to cry myself dry of all of my tears. 

The days that followed, I ate ice cream non stop in my pyjamas. I didn't shower until Mum persuaded me to. It was awful and a miserable sight.

Today was a bit like that.

I woke up feeling energised. I was convinced that today would be a great day for me. I was going to spend my day with my girls, I'm sure you remember Jess and Cassidy. They were your biggest fans but not so much anymore. We were going to get our nails done and splash the cash at a fancy spa but when I looked out my window, like I do every morning, I could of sworn that I saw you. I had to do a double take. Unfortunately, it was just someone who happened to look a lot like you.

It really threw me off but I tried to continue on with my day as best as I could. I had decided a few days ago that I wouldn't let the memory of you rule my life. I needed to make an effort to get over you since you seemed to be pretty much over me. You always told me that I was good at holding on to the past. It's one of my biggest flaws. I need to learn to live in the present more but I guess that's just not me.

I ate my breakfast, alone. It's my new normal. I know that I sometimes ate alone when you were at an early morning training session but it's different now. I know that when I eat breakfast alone, it won't be the only meal where you won't join me. I cook dinner for one now instead of two but I still make your favourites. I hoped it would give me comfort but I don't think it does.

I then got dressed and as I opened my wardrobe to look for something to wear, I found the denim jacket that you wore on our first date. That felt like a stab right through my heart. I loved that denim jacket, as did you. Did you mean to leave it behind? Give me something to hold onto? or did you just simply forget to pack it up and take it with you? You did leave in a hurry that morning.

I hope you don't mind but I wore the denim jacket. It still smelled like you and I hoped that it would help me move on with my day.

I met the girls at the nail salon and as I entered, the radio was playing. It was a news break and of course, they had to cut to the sports round. Usually, I wouldn't mind hearing your name on the radio. It made me proud to hear how well you were doing but not today. I couldn't handle it today but the stupid news presenter didn't seem to understand that. He continued to talk about the latest developments in your Chelsea transfer rumours.

As if that wasn't enough, the woman who was doing my nails asked if I was your girlfriend. She recognised me from all the news articles that had been published about us but of course, I had to correct her. As much as I wished that I was still your girlfriend, I had to tell her that I was your ex girlfriend.

The woman didn't stop there. I think it's a job requirement that people who work in salons have to be nosy. She wanted all of the gossip and she wanted to know everything about our lives and our break up. Of course, I didn't tell her. I just told her that I didn't want to talk about.

It must be so easy for you to move on and get over me. I'm not famous like you are. I'm not difficult to get away from. I'm a nobody and you're a world famous footballer who broke through the ranks at Leicester and is now representing your country. Anyone who follows the sport or the attractive footballers knows who you are and I find it so difficult to get away from you. 

Yours sincerely,

Estella

a/n: a tough day for our poor little estella :( i just want to give her a tight hug!

this book actually makes me so sad but i kind of like it because it's different from my normal stuff which, let's be honest, is a lot of rainbows and fluff.

what's your favourite song at the moment?
- married in vegas by the vamps. they're my favourite band and the song may or may not be in a future playlist...

enjoy and stay safe!

lots of love, e x