burned.

letter nine; happily never after

Dear Sienna,

My doctors almost didn't let me attend your wedding, but Orion and I managed to convince them in the end. They said that my health is too bad for me to go, that it will be torture for me to survive in a public setting like that.

I hate that you are getting married to my brother, but I want to see you in an ivory gown walking towards the aisle, even if it is not towards me.

The worst torture for me is you saying "I do" to somebody else.

Father and Caspian came to the matrimony, which was a surprise to everyone. Caspian is as handsome as they say, but it was a bit hard for me to concentrate on anything when you were there, in that moon white dress of yours, smiling and looking beautiful.

I would've killed Orion, no matter that he was my brother ( I have already ended the life of my mother ), but you seem content. You look the happiest I've ever seen, and even though it is with Orion, I will never stand in the way of your love.

My mother is probably laughing in hell, looking at me. Is this my punishment?

One might think that I never got my happily ever after, but that is not true. The most joy I feel is when you are grinning, without a tear in sight. That is enough.

But that is not to say that I'm am in immense agony and the thread holding me together is about to snap. I feel like Atlas, who is cracking from the weight of the world on his back. But not because the world is breaking me. You are my whole world, Sienna. And now, you were taken away from me. I am breaking because my world was taken away from me.

My physicians have found out what is wrong with me. They told me that they'll inform me later, as they do not want to disrupt this celebration with bad news.

Good day? For whom? Not me, I assure you.

I had always been taught in fairy tales that love conquers all, but that is not true. Love slaughters everything in its path, blinding everyone with its false hopes and dreams.

Or was my love not enough? I loved you more than the number of stars in the sky, more water than in the ocean, and more than the number of souls wandering aimlessly in this world. I am one of those souls now, I suppose. A being without any purpose in life, not anymore.

You are leaving for your honeymoon with Orion tonight itself, aren't you? You'll be returning after only a month, but still, I'll miss you.

My, my, Sienna! You seem to be stomping on my heart again and again, isn't it? But I don't care. I will never care about that if it is you. When I am with you, all my pain numbs, and I am fully immersed in the Goddess that you are. 

If I split myself into halves, will I see if my heart is black like death or gold like yours? Will I ever know if I was worthy enough for you, even if I was not chosen?

I guess we will never know.

I love you,
Emilia