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chapter nine.
losing your memory now.
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They don't find Raven until the next day. Actually, it was Raven who had asked Jasper if he could find June to tag along in what help she needed, but the fact that he could look her in the eye and speak was enough for her to brighten and agree. She remained oblivious to what was going on in Bellamy's world for once, choosing to give herself a break and tag along. June followed the giddy mechanic and Jasper into some type of room with scraps of metal and tools that were collecting dust.

It didn't take long for Jasper to look around. "You said there'd be booze."

"I lied," Raven admitted with a wince, making Jasper sigh heavily. "But I brought you here to talk about something you might find even more interesting..." She paused before finishing. "The City of Light."

The name of the City caused June to straighten on alert. "Raven," she said slowly, thinking back to the conversation they had the day before when Abby was checking on her bum leg. "I don't know about this..."

"Don't you trust me?" Raven asked softly, her brown eyes somehow staring straight through June's soul and washes her over with warmth. She melted knowing that she did trust Raven, with her entire life. So June just nods back, willing to do what Raven wants, and she glowed at the action. "So, Jasper," she continued, turning to spread a map on the table behind them. "I hear you have experience breaking into offices of elected officials."

The words made June softly snort to herself. She wants to say Jasper wasn't the only one, remembering when she and Wells broke into his father's office to hack into his computer. With the memory too painful, she doesn't mention it as Jasper agreed. "That I do." He glanced down at the map. "Pike's office. Chipmaker?" He guessed.

Raven nodded. "You'll need to distract the guards," she explained. "They know I'm with Jaha, and they know June wouldn't break the guard's protocol, but they think that you're just a..." She suddenly stopped mid-sentence.

"Drunken idiot," Jasper finished for her dully. "I know." June frowned, fighting the urge to rest her hand on his shoulder or wrap an arm around him in comfort, knowing she'd only be rejected and shoved away.

"For what it's worth, I think you're more than that," Raven told him gently, causing Jasper faintly smile. She pointed to a point at the left of the map. "If we're lucky enough to get to the door, Pike's changed his access code, five-digit numeric."

Snorting, Jasper turned away. "That's gonna have, like, a trillion different combinations," he said in disappointment.

"A hundred million, but yeah," Raven corrected.

"Who is gonna figure that out?" Jasper questioned. A pause rose as his eyes flickered to June, whose hands held up in defense.

"Don't look at me," June said. "I work with computers, not locks to doors."

"I was thinking you," Raven piped in, gesturing to Jasper.

Confused, Jasper blinked, stepping back. "Well, we were just talking about how I'm a drunken idiot," he reminded them.

"Pike put Monty in charge of internal surveillance. My guess is, he's got him in on electronic security as well, which means we don't have to crack Pike's password. Just Monty's," she explained. "And who knows more about Monty than you?"

"And me?" June questioned. "Am I just here to look pretty?"

To June's surprise, Raven lets out a genuine laugh at the joke before touching her shoulder. "Of course you are," she said fondly, the tips of her fingers trailing down the sleeve of June's jacket, making her feel frozen from the touch. She wondered what could have possibly possessed Raven to take an action like that when only a short while ago she was being given the cold shoulder.

"Sounds like a terrible idea," Jasper says, clueless to June's state of mind. "I'm in."

Finding her voice, June nods, shrugging off the chill. "Yeah, me too," she added more confidently than she felt.

A wide smile that made June's uneasy feeling fade spread on Raven's mouth as she laughed. "Alright!" She exclaimed in excitement, turning away from June to clap Jasper on the shoulder.

The happiness turned into stress in a matter of hours. June was growing tired fast, sitting in a chair with her elbows on the tabletop, her chin propped in her hands. She had listened to hundreds of words and terms that could possibly be one of Monty's passwords. They didn't seem like they were getting far, and Raven's frustration was beginning to show, even in her tone as she spoke. "What else could Monty have used as a password?"

"You mean other than the five hundred ideas I've already come up with?" Jasper drawled out.

"Just think, don't overanalyze," Raven reassured him.

"Easier said than done," June whispered, flicking at a piece of dust that had seemed to be the most interesting thing she's seen in the time spent here.

"Right. Speaking of which, how, exactly, are you connected to the computer here?" Jasper asked in slight annoyance, gesturing to the mechanical backpack Raven had, wires sticking out with the same infinity symbol carved in the steel. It was a valid question, and June, with her knowledge of computers, eyed the object wearily and wanted to ask more. But when she sees the look on Raven's face, her head turned to the side, listening eagerly like someone else was speaking to her. For once, Jasper noticed and cocked his head. "Raven?"

Sliding off her chair, June hesitantly took a few quiet steps to her and snapped her fingers. "Hey, Raven, you with us?"

The action had Raven snapping back to Earth. "It'll be easier for you to see for yourself than for me to explain it," she said at last like nothing ever happened.

"Huh. The old carrot and stick, eh?" Jasper joked.

"Whatever it takes, Jasper," Raven declared, clearly not in the mood. "Just keep trying. What's Monty's favorite color?"

Thinking back to a memory, Jasper tilted his head. "Green," he answered. Raven narrowed her eyes at him. "It's a joke," he explained curtly.

"Favorite book," Raven pressured.

"Catcher in the Rye," Jasper responded. "Where do those ducks go, anyway?"

"Favorite place," she continued.

"Down here or up there?"

"Either. Both."

Thinking back to a fond memory, Jasper smiled. "Starboard window bay," he replied. "It has the best view of the moon on the whole damn ship, and we used to get a little baked, just sit back, watching the sky playing... Um... On Which Planet Would You Rather?" June couldn't help but make a smile of her own at the thought of the best friends in The Ark doing so. "Answer was always Earth," Jasper finished. "We were such dumbasses."

"No," June disagreed timidly like she was afraid Jasper would lash out on her for doing so. "It's precious. Cute, even."

Suddenly, Raven looked puzzled as she glanced to her side again. "What?" She asked blankly to the space beside her.

"What?" Jasper repeated in confusion.

But Raven doesn't answer, only grinning. "Good job, Jasper. Looks like Monty was thinking about the same window you were," she complimented. June was glad they did manage to get the password for Raven finally, but she can't get the image of Raven speaking to nothing out of her mind - and what was with the backpack somehow magically hooked up to the computer, putting in passes that Raven knew were wrong without putting them in?

As Raven shut the bag, throwing the strap over her shoulder and goes towards the exit with the expectancy for them to follow her, Jasper hurries to touch her shoulder and stop her. "Hey, uh, presuming we don't get caught or killed, I'm first in line for a chip, okay?" He requested shyly. It took all of June's strength not to interrupt, watching as Raven nodded in agreement as she waved them along, reminding herself the only thing that kept her going.

She trusts Raven. She does.

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The three split up, making sure no one was coming down the three hallways leading to the Chancellor's office. June reminded herself repeatedly that she did trust Raven with everything she had, that there was an explanation, and she was only there to help because she needed it, and despite what went wrong, there's nothing that she wouldn't do for her. June reaches the end of the hall, nearly running into Jasper who calls out to her and Raven. "South hallway's clear."

"East is, too," Raven announced, coming out of her own hall.

"So is West," June added. "With Pike's attack, the guards are busy, waiting for a retaliation."

"And, knowing Monty, that password will automatically reset in five minutes, so..." Jasper gestured wildly to where Raven was already working on typing the password Earth into the keypad. "Let's make the most of it." The pad lights up green and a ding is heard as the door unlocked and allowed them access. June hurriedly pushed it open, stepping into the large office first and holding it so the other two could enter as well. "Guess we are as smart as we think we are," Jasper said, looking around.

"Right," Raven said, hardly paying attention. "Pike doesn't have a safe, so... Jaha's little chipmaker has got to be here somewhere." She rushed to a cabinet, quickly opening the doors. June hesitated before she moved to the desk, opening drawers and peering inside.

"This is all pretty crazy, huh?" Jasper mused from where he moved around book on a shelf. "Grounders at the gate, an ultimatum, one life to spare us all."

"How's that different from any other day around here?" Raven pointed out, causing June to snort quietly, even though she completely agreed with that.

Jasper made the same noise June had. "It's just, we've been here before. You know, with Finn," he stated. June's movement in searching through Pike's desk doors ceased before stopping all at once as she did, in fact, remember. "You remember that, right?" He asked Raven who had gone silent. "I... I was in Mount Weather, but you... You remember Finn dying when Clarke killed - "

"I entered the City of Light to relieve my pain. Why would I remember that?" Raven suddenly snapped. June looked up, straightening her bent back when she noticed that Raven had stopped searching and was pacing around the room wildly. "Less talking, more looking," she ordered.

"Raven. You're not looking," June tried to say as gently as she could. She tried to take cautious steps around the desk like Raven was some animal that would strike at any moment. "Do you remember what Clarke did to Finn?"

The happiness that practically glowed on Raven had died all from the mention of Finn. "Yeah, I do, obviously," she fired back, making June back down just as fast. "I just don't want to."

"I think it's a good thing you can't remember the bad stuff," Jasper cut in, trying to reassure Raven in a way. "That's what I want to forget. If I could wake up one morning, without thinking about Maya dying, you know. If I could only remember the good stuff, like holding her hand for the first time and listening to our favorite music..." He stopped a wistful look washing over his features. June feels a shudder crawl up her spine as she remembered Maya too. An innocent, kind girl who did an amazingly good deed and paid the ultimate price. She'd give anything to forget that. Her blood was on June's hands, and she'd never be able to wash it off.

"Like when Finn gave you that necklace," Jasper continued, stopping his rant to point to the metal, homemade necklace of the raven bird hanging around Raven's neck. Raven froze, hand rising so her fingertips can brush against the symbol. "Is that how it works? You can think of your first kiss and just be happy?"

"Of course," Raven says softly, voice laced with confusion. "My first kiss?" But it sounds more like a question.

The way Raven seemed so lost had worried June more than before. "Raven?" She said her name in concern. "What is it?"

Suddenly, Raven bolted around the desk. "When was my first kiss?" She demanded frantically.

"What? I don't know," Jasper replied as he opened a small box that he had found. "Don't you?"

Frustrated, Raven paced in a circle. "I can't remember..."

"Can't remember what? Finn?" June asked, trying to remain calm as she tried to find Raven's gaze.

But Raven doesn't answer when Jasper holds up their found object. "I got it," he announced in victory.

"Alright," Raven says, refusing to look June in the eyes as she holds out her hand. "Give it to me." Her hand is shaking violently as Jasper handed it to her. Then she finally meets June's concerned stare. "I don't remember," she shakily whispered.

"Okay," June said soothingly, attempting to relax Raven. "Remember what?"

Breaking heavily, Raven suddenly surged forward and grabbed a handful of June's jacket with one hand. "I don't remember!" She exclaimed in a panic. "Finn was real. So were we. June, please, tell me," she begged with her. "What - what happened to us?"

The truth sunk in June's chest like a heavy rock. Her mouth parted, struggling to find any helpful answer that would help Raven, but what could she say? It was clear.

Raven didn't remember Finn, and she couldn't remember what went wrong between her and June, because the memory was so painful for her. It made everything that happened since June and Abby looked at her leg make sense. She was happy around June again, giving her lingering touches, smiling widely at her with looks of adoration, like nothing ever went wrong between them after returning from Mount Weather.

"What's going on?" Jasper questioned, seeing June's eyes wide like saucers and Raven's alarmed expression.

Veins popped out of Raven's forehead as she released June's clothing, backing up, shaking her head like she was racking her brain for any possible memory about Finn's death or her status with June. "I don't remember anything at all," she whispered brokenly. Before June can react to the admission that left her horrified, Raven shoved chipmaker into a box and clutched it to her chest like a lifeline. "We can't let her have this!" She cried out. "Run!"

June's boots feel like heavy rocks attached to her feet as she bolted out of the room with them, her knees wobbling. She struggled to process what was happening, all the facts hitting her like someone had shot them into her with bullets. Raven can't remember anything. Raven is seeing someone who isn't there. Who couldn't they let have the chipmaker?

"We have to split up!" Raven's shout bounced off the walls as she ran in the lead, her ponytail flying behind her. "I can't - I have to figure this out!" She's panting, her dark eyes glossy as she comes to a halt as soon as they turn a corner, far away enough from the Chancellor's office. "Can you meet me in my room tomorrow?" Raven pleaded desperately.

"Raven, I can't leave you in this state," June breathed out, reaching out to put both of her hands on Raven's shoulder, terrified out of her mind at the thought of abandoning her when she's like this.

But Raven is in too much of a hysteria to agree. She shoved June's touch away like it burned her, forcing her to continue, giving her no other choice but to leave. "Go! Just go!"