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𝐀𝐂𝐂𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘-𝐎𝐍-𝐏𝐔𝐑𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐄
chapter two ─ what if you kissed me?
(i'd probably die)

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TWILIGHT HAD COME AND GONE BY THE TIME the Hogwarts Express stopped at Hogsmeade station, and no one was more eager to get off than Gaposchkin, who (possibly intentionally) scratched Lee's forehead in his desperation to leave the train. This desperation was only slightly dampened by the rain, as he soon found shelter in the sleeve of George's robes.

"For the last time, give me back my cat!" Heidi cried, snatching him back and folding him into her own robes. "You are driving me up the wall, you know that?"

"Maybe your cat likes me more?" George raised an eyebrow. "He's probably sensed that you're a massive bitch. Maybe if you were nicer, he might stick around longer."

"Listen up, you pasty-faced wanker, I do not like you," Heidi growled. "So get the fuck away from me, and my cat, and my sound mind."

"You're so cute when you're mad," George grinned. "Your accent really comes out, it's so scary."

Heidi closed her eyes, and imagined slapping him ─ as her mother liked to tell her (when pertaining to gifts), it's the thought that counts. She took Lydia's arm, turned her nose up in the air, and followed the crowd of witches and wizards down a rough mud track towards the coaches. Thankfully, the coach couldn't fit all eight of them, and so Alicia, Angelina, Lydia and Heidi clambered into one, leaving Jules, Lee, and the twin devils behind.

The coach smelled faintly of mould and wet straw, and Heidi pinched the top of her nose in a futile effort to stop the tension headache she could feel building up. A bump in the road sent Alicia falling to the floor, where she remained as Angelina had immediately spread herself over Alicia's vacated seat.

"Bitch," Alicia mumbled from the floor.

As they reached the iron gates at the front of Hogwarts, Heidi looked up and saw two Dementors standing guard. Gaposchkin, potentially sensing that these were not kind creatures, hissed and burrowed closer into Heidi's robes. At last, the coach swayed to a bumpy halt, and Heidi almost fell onto the ground in her haste to get off.

The four of them joined the crowd swarming up the steps, through the Entrance Hall and towards the Great Hall.

"I hope whatever Dumbledore has to say before the feast is short," Alicia complained. "I'm starving."

They entered a sea of pointed black hats, swarming around designated house tables. The four girls took their seats somewhere in the middle of the Gryffindor table, Gaposchkin curling up in Heidi's lap.

"How long d'you think the sorting will last?" Alicia mumbled, resting her forehead on Lydia's shoulder. "I think I'm going weak with hunger. I can feel myself slipping away."

"It'll take as long as it takes, and your complaining won't make it move any quicker," Lydia said mildly. "Now shift off my shoulder, you brat, I don't care how close to death you are."

Alicia whined, shifting her head from Lydia's shoulder to the table in front of her with a thump. Heidi winced, before catching Lydia's eye across the table and snickering.

Heidi opened her mouth to make a further comment, but she was distracted by Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, standing from his chair. The noise that had previously rung around the room died down, as it usually did under his earnest gaze. He turned his eyes towards the large, ornate doors of the Great Hall, which opened to reveal Professor Flitwick, the Head of Ravenclaw, leading a crowd of tiny witches and wizards towards the head table.

"Is it just me," Angelina whispered across the table, "or does anyone else think they get smaller every year?"

"You're getting taller," Lydia said out of the corner of her mouth, sitting up straight as Flitwick passed her. "They're just the same as they've always been."

"Speak for yourself," Heidi retorted. "I haven't grown an inch in two years."

"Doesn't McGonagall usually do the sorting?" Alicia asked. "Where's she at?"

But Alicia received no answer, for the first years had reached the top of the Hall, and a hat had been placed upon a stool. A rip appeared near the brim, and the hat began to sing.

For centuries and ages back,
As far as I remember
I'm brought out on a stool each year
The first night of September.

The first years put me on their heads,
I say where they belong.
But first, you must indulge me in
An expository song ─

Heidi tuned out of the rest of the song, absent-mindedly humming as the hat ran through the same themes it usually did. Gaposchkin, still curled on her lap, burrowed closer, and she curled her hand in his ginger fur. Her mind flashed to George, and she frowned ─ why? Because he's ginger, Heidi's brain said, and she nodded in affirmation.

Yep, he was ginger, alright ─ his hair stood out like a warning sign as she caught sight of him ─ or was that Fred? She concluded that it was, indeed, George, as he caught onto her staring, and winked at her. She mimed puking, but smiled at him nonetheless as she turned back to her cat, the only ginger she could stand.

The sorting hat was almost finished, Heidi presumed, and Alicia looked ready to faint with hunger. She had resorted to holding her stomach, head pressed to the wooden table, quietly groaning every so often.

But that's enough from me for now,
My warning's been imparted.
There's first years who need sorting out ─
Let's get this sorting started!

"What a drag," Angelina said, rolling her eyes. "We get it; Ravenclaw's for geeks and Slytherin's for freaks."

"That wasn't the point of the song, which you would know had you been listening," Lydia hissed across the table. Somewhere in the background, Flitwick had called the first name, and the hat declared the young witch a Hufflepuff.

"Yelling, screaming, clapping," Alicia said, still face down, as the fourth first year was sorted. "I love the sorting ceremony. I'm thinking about fainting, just for something to do."

Heidi laughed, clapping along with the rest of her house as finally, a new Gryffindor joined their number.

An unidentifiable number of sorted first years later, both Heidi and Gaposchkin were ready to join Alicia in complaining of hunger; however, there would be no need for fainting, as the last first year was packed off to Slytherin and Dumbledore got to his feet.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" He declared, wise eyes twinkling over them. "I have a few things to say to you all, and as one of them is very serious, I think it best to get it out of the way before you become befuddled by our excellent feast . . ."

"Has anyone noticed," Heidi whispered, "that if you rearrange the letters in 'Albus Dumbledore', you get 'a bemused old blur'?"

"Shut up," Lydia whispered back. "I'm trying to listen."

"You're right," Angelina said quietly. "You do get 'a bemused old blur'."

Alicia groaned from her place at the table.

"As you will all be aware after their search of the Hogwarts Express," Dumbledore was saying, "our school is presently playing host to some of the Dementors of Azkaban, who are here on Ministry of Magic business. They are stationed at every entrance to the grounds, and while they are with us, I must make it plain that nobody is to leave school without plain permission. Dementors are not to be fooled by tricks or disguises ─ or even invisibility cloaks."

Heidi looked across the table at Lydia, who looked as if she was trying to decipher whether or not Dumbledore had some kind of ulterior motive. "Did you know about this?" She hissed across the table ─ Lydia's parents were high-ranking Ministry workers. Lydia shook her head, and mimed zipping her mouth shut. Heidi took the hint.

"It is not in the nature of a Dementor to understand pleading or excuses," Dumbledore was saying. "I therefore warn each and every one of you to give them no reason to harm you. I look to the Prefects, and our new Head Boy and Girl, to make sure that no student runs foul of the Dementors." Lydia's face shone with this recognition, glowing almost as bright as her badge.

Dumbledore paused again, looking around the room impressively. As his eyes passed over Heidi, she felt as if he was staring into her very soul. She tried not to move too much.

"On a happier note," Dumbledore continued, voice suddenly brighter, "I am pleased to welcome two new teachers to our ranks this year."

One was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher ("How long do you think he'll last?" Angelina asked), and Rubeus Hagrid was declared to be the new Care of Magical Creatures teacher, which pleased Heidi immensely.

"Who else would have set us a rabid monster book?" Alicia cried amongst the thunderous applause, revived by the good news.

"Well, I think that's everything of importance," said Dumbedore. "Let the feast begin!"

The wooden tables were at once filled to breaking point with piping hot food, sent up from the kitchens below. Alicia pounced on it immediately like a woman starved, and Heidi didn't miss Lydia's grimace as bits of rice came flying towards her. "Little bit gauche, don't you think?" Lydia frowned as Alicia paid no heed.

Dinner flashed by, and dessert came with disappointment. "Where are the gluten free brownies?" Heidi complained. "They always have gluten free brownies!"

"How do you know they're not?" Alicia said with a mouth full of pumpkin pie. She swallowed, and the continued. "Gluten free, I mean."

"They aren't dry enough," Heidi said. "They always make them too dry." She dumped Gaposchkin in Angelina's lap, and stood up. "I'm off on a hunt for justice. See you later, haters."

Heidi's hunt for food fitting her dietary requirements led her to a crowd of seventh years, including Dria Lockaby, who Heidi had officially met in Diagon Alley, and Isolde Crawley, who Heidi had chucked a milkshake over that same day. Unfortunately, the plate of dry-looking brownies was right in the middle of the nightmare crowd.

"Excuse me," Heidi said, "are they the gluten free brownies?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure they are," a dark-haired boy Heidi didn't recognise said.

"Can I have them?"

"Sure," he shrugged, and passed her the plate just as Dria looked up.

"Hi Heidi!"

"Hey bro," Heidi smiled and walked away, shoving a brownie in her mouth as she went. Her journey back to her group of friends was rudely interrupted by one George Weasley ─ what was it with that boy and constantly getting in her way?

"Need some help?" He asked, his eyes lighting up along with his smile.

"'M all good," Heidi said through a mouthful of brownie. She held the plate out to him, and he took one.

"Before I say this, you have to know that this was a dare."

"Okay . . ." Heidi narrowed her eyes. "Should I put the brownies down?"

"Are you sure you're not a dementor? Cause I'd for sure die if you kissed me."

Heidi sighed. "It's going to be a real long year, isn't it?"

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫 ─
i didn't write the sorting hat song!
a very talented internet stranger did.