DARRIAN jimenez !
sugarhill, his crib .
featuring; @sugarhillddot .

"DARRIAN, ARE YOU awake honey?" the booming voice tinged with a distinctive dominican accent jolted ddot from his slumber. he made no effort to respond; he remained motionless in bed, speech seemed useless to him.

ddot's face was buried deep in the pillow as he rotated his body toward the wall, draping his thick blanket over his head in an attempt to block out the world.

he felt the presence of his mother as she let out a weary sigh and gently pushed his door open. "darrian, you've slept right through the whole new head. honey... you need to get up," she spoke with a note of worry threading her words as she approached his bed, but her concern couldn't penetrate the cocoon of blankets ddot had retreated into.

though his mother had never met zoey in person, she knew her son's feelings for the girl were deep; she was all he ever talked about and had often sought her advice during periods when the two weren't on good terms.

she couldn't claim to fully understand the specifics of their relationship—or whatever they were, but she was acutely aware that the mere mention of zoey could turn her son's head faster than anything she had ever witnessed.

on the evening when ddot came home, his entire demeanor defeated, eyes red and swollen from tears, and his shirt damp with the sorrow he carried, it was crystal clear to his mother that something had gone terribly wrong.

notti was the one to break the news to her, and as she absorbed the impact, she could feel her own heart fragment in sympathy for her son. she was intimately aware of how profoundly death itself affected him—it was as if a part of him became lifeless too.

it was a echo of the period following his grandmother's death when he languished in bed for days on end. on the rare occasions he did emerge, the signs of his sorrow were unmistakable — the tear-stained face, the scent of smoke clinging to him.

and while she tried her utmost best to soothe his pain, she recognized that her consolations paled in comparison to the comfort zoey provided.

zoey had been his only comfort besides smoking during his mourning, her presence a constant through the darkest parts of his life; she held him, offering a silent strength when he was at his most vulnerable, tears streaming with no words to express his grief. her hands would gently graze his hair, while her voice, gentle and soft, just repeating that everything would be okay.

but with zoey now absent, she worriedly thought who would provide that same comfort to her son.

fab exhaled a heavy sigh, recognizing the futility of her attempts to coax him out of his room or to engage him in conversation. "alright, dinner is ready. you haven't eaten in days, please try to have something," she implored, patting his cheek before she reluctantly turned to leave.

despite her efforts and the many times she encouraged him to eat, he remained withdrawn, seeking to numb his anguish with substances instead of meals.

he hasn't have a meal in only God knows how long.

the sound of the door shutting signaled to ddot that his mother had departed, leaving him to wonder why she even persistently tried to encourage him to eat when he had consistently declined.

after several minutes spent lying in bed, endeavoring in vain to succumb to sleep again, he lets out a sigh upon realizing rest would elude him. he lifted himself up and threw back his blanket, overheated from the cocoon of his bedding.

glancing about, he absent-mindedly scratched his head in search of a hair tie. spotting one on his nightstand, which also held his phone, he swiftly gathered his overgrown twists into a ponytail and then picked up his device.

despite having set his phone to dnd, some persistent contacts had ignored it and still decided to click 'notify anyway.' notti, in particular, was relentless, bombarding him with messages despite his clear desire for peace on his phone, determined to have his attempts at contact noticed.

the messages were all attempts to check in on him, well-meaning but overwhelming for ddot, who found himself devoid of the energy required to reply. he wasn't just not okay; he was a far cry from any part of it.

dot lay curled under the sheets, a sea of thoughts containing self-blame and sorrow consuming him. for days, he had been tormenting himself with the idea that he was the cause of zoey's death, that he was the reason she was not there, wrapped around in his arms where he wanted her to be.

if only he had paid just a bit more attention, if only he had been more perceptive, perhaps then he could have made sure she received the help she needed. how could he have missed the signs of a literal eating disorder?

when he engaged in the most simple tasks, a simple word, a slight movement, he was relentlessly haunted by the memory of the nurse's voice. the horrified, definitive declaration that zoey was unresponsive replayed in his mind.

it popped up in his dreams, it flashed his mind at the most randomness times. he can't even shower without it being there.

he was blindsided by his blindness, his own self letting him down. it was infuriating, how he had been so wrapped up in the fact that they had finally reached a peaceful stretch in their relationship that he utterly failed to take note of her dwindling physical presence. her laugh, bright and full, had masked the pain and battles fought in silence.

he could not shake the pervasive thought that if she she not crossed paths with him, she might still be here, breathing, laughing, living.

wouldn't she?

after a train of thoughts, ddot mustered enough strength to navigate to zoey's contact in his phone, which still showed his messages as 'delivered.'

a lump formed in his throat, thick and suffocating, as he hesitantly tapped on their message thread. there he found his own words cast into the void—asking for where she was, if she was okay, frantic messages asking why she was not answering his calls.

his gaze fell upon the last voice message she had sent him; its mere presence felt like a gift and a curse. trembling, as if his thumb bore the weight of the world, he pressed play, yearning to hear her voice.

the sound of her speaking, even in a recording, was like a balm and a blade all at once. each note of her voice was a reminder of all that was lost, yet it also served for him to remember  when she was still his, within reach, a voice filled with life and a future they assumed stretched out endlessly before them.

ddot closed his eyes, allowing her words to wash over him as he clutched the phone tightly, he missed her voice already.

as ddot listened to the voice recording, her voice was full of cheer, and he could almost see her joyful smile, which coaxed a slight grin onto his own face before the brief clip stopped. the reality hadn't fully dawned on him yet.

he spent a long time attempting to grasp the horrifying truth that zoey was not with him, and her funeral was just a few days away.

he remembered how they first met, how he'd throw harsh words her way, believing she was nothing but a bothersome little girl he couldn't shake off of him. every time zoey attempted to befriend him in the past, it was all he could do to hold back from lashing out at her.

and then there was the engulfing darkness in his life, a void where everything felt empty on his heart and mind. but zoey had been the one to illuminate his world with her soft smile, her infectious laughter, her very presence. he had plans to take the next step in their bond, to ask her to out—that chance kiss on the new years never came, as she departed before they could.

death was one of his biggest fears but having it happen to his loved ones is something he just couldn't do.

ddot let out a sigh as he forced himself to leave their message thread and switch his phone off. he goes to his nightstand and picks up his backwood and the new pack of weed he had. he had found himself falling right bank into smoking, when zoey was with him he was his form of high—he didn't need any substance to forgot about all his problems or be away from the world, he had zoey.

but now he doesn't, so he fell right back into the same cycle of smoking, sleep, shower—repeat.

as ddot sat in silence, he carefully rolled up the blunt, his mind consumed by a whirlwind of thoughts that seemed to echo through his consciousness. it as if these thoughts were having a conversation of their own, their voices so loud that it felt like two people were talking right inside his head.

after what felt like an eternity, ddot finally finished rolling up the blunt. he brought it to his lips, his arm lunging forward to reach for a lighter. but this wasn't just any lighter; it was the one zoey had left behind at his house. it had been discovered in the pocket of her sweats, and she had told him to forgetting she even had it.

coincidentally, when she left, she also left this little piece of herself behind.

the pink lighter glistened in the dim light, adorned with the initial 'Z' imprinted on it, embellished with delicate silver gems.

as ddot's eyes settled on the lighter, a wave of emotions washed over him. his eyes began to sting with tears, threatening to spill over, but he quickly blinked them away. his eyes had become accustomed to this routine, the constant wiping away of tears that seemed to flow endlessly.

with a deep breath, ddot flicked the lighter, igniting the flame that lit up bright before him. he brought the flame closer to the tip of the blunt, a sense of nostalgia enveloped him.

the memories of moments shared with zoey started flooding his mind, each puff of smoke carrying him back to a time when she was his source of happiness, his form of escape from the world.

as he inhaled the smoke, it felt like heaven. the familiar warmth spread through his body, momentarily easing the weight of his troubles. it was a moment of silence for him, a temporary respite from the chaos that consumed his mind.

but deep down, ddot knew that relying on substances wasn't a sustainable solution.

but what was there for him to do anymore? he was sure as hell convinced nobody would help him as much as zoey did.

this is one of the strongest weed too since he didn't been wanna be on earth no more—it's clear that he was longing for an escape, a way to distance himself from the realities of his life. and he found the most comfort in the memories of zoey, those moments that held a special place in his heart. as he closed his eyes, the images of their passionate kisses flooded his mind, each one making his heart shatter into peace's.

but it wasn't just the physicality that he remembered. it was the way zoey's smile would light up the room, a beam of joy that could melt away any of his worries or doubts.

and in those moments when he would surprise her with a heartfelt compliment, her eyes would sparkle with appreciation, and his heart would swell.

aa he allowed himself to sink deeper into these memories, causing tears he swore he was trying to suck up fall down his cheeks. and then, something unexpected happened. he began to see things, ethereal and elusive, as if the boundaries between reality and imagination had become blurred. objects seemed to float in mid-air, defying the laws of gravity, as if he had entered a realm where anything was possible.

but it wasn't just the visuals that overwhelmed him. he also experienced a profound sensation, a tingling warmth that coursed through his veins.

it was a feeling that reminded him of being with zoey, of the intoxicating rush that love and connection can bring. it was as if he had been transported back to those moments of pure bliss, where time stood still and the world faded away.

"i'm sorry, baby," he mumbled, feeeling like he owed her the biggest apology in his life. it was as if he could feel zoey's presence in the room. it was as if her laughter, her infectious giggles, reverberated in his mind, filling the space with a sense of lightness and joy.

he was convinced that she was there, in some intangible form, offering him comfort and reassurance.

the intensity of his emotions, the vividness of his hallucinations, painted a picture of a mind deeply entwined with the memories of a love lost.

he missed her so much it felt like he was loosing each brain cell in his brain right now. he felt like he failed her and her drying wasn't fair, she did it deserve it—if anything he did. he felt like she had too much of a happy soul and type of person for her to just disappear like that.

it wasn't fair to her.

"LOOK I GOT a tattoo." jahzara lazily flipped up her wrist to reveal her new tattoo, the red ink stood out boldly against her skin, forming her friend zoey's initial in elegant cursive, with the date '12/29/22' nestled beneath it, encased in a heart. it was a beautiful symbol of her life and the rwo's friwndship, permanently etched onto jahzara's wrist.

notti's eyes shifted towards jahzara's wrist, his surprise evident. he knew how much she despised needles, so seeing her with a tattoo was something he never expected.

"that shit's tuff, ma heart," notti said, his voice filled with a mix of awe and admiration. he took a drag from the blunt, the smoke curling from his lips as he passed it back to ddot.

ddot, who was was preoccupied, scrolling through his photo album, filled with countless memories of him and zoey. he had his airpods in, watching one of those hour-long vlogs zoey used to make him do.

in that particular video, ddot lost count of how many times he expressed his disinterest, telling zoey he didn't want do any of this "dumbass shit." but she persisted, recording and rambling about random things, capturing her chirpy essence.

"yeah, i wanted it somewhere noticeable. but it's really pretty," jahzara replied, her voice tinged with fatigue from crying. she leaned her head back onto dd's chest, finding solace in his comforting presence. his arm wrapped tightly around her waist, providing a sense of security as his face dipped into her shoulder, softly snoring.

without zoey, the atmosphere felt different—silent, almost eerie. her absence left a gaping hole in their lives, a void that couldn't be filled. the once vibrant and lively moments now felt tinged with sadness.

it was strange to navigate through life without her infectious laughter, her unique perspective, and her ability to bring joy to even the simplest of moments.

after ddot's smoke session, he heard the front door open during his nap. when he realized it was just dd, notti and jahzara, he felt a mixture of relief and sadness. they noticed he hadn't been responding to their texts and immediately came over to check on him.

but when ddot tried to communicate, he found it hard to find the right words. instead, he relied on simple nods and shakes of his head. it's like everything felt so heavy and lifeless without zoey's vibrant presence.

she was the one who always pushed them to be productive and brought laughter to their lives with her random conversations. her absence created a void that seemed impossible to fill.

the impact of zoey's death was profound, like notti. he was known for his constant smile, no matter the situation. but now, his lips were pressed into a straight line, and tears had even escaped his eyes a few nights ago.

jahzara, on the other hand, felt like a part of her own life was lost in that hospital room. she never had the chance to apologize directly to zoey, to let her know how deeply she cared, how much she was sorry.

the guilt weighed heavily on her shoulders, blaming herself for not being a better friend and for ignoring zoey's feelings. her tears became a daily occurrence, finding solace in dd9s comforting arms. her eyes were sore from the countless cries, and she believed she had soaked half of dd's wife-beaters, almost tearing them apart.

"wait, when's her funereal again? the sixth?" notti lifted his head up causing jahzara to shake her head.

"no, it's on the seventh. you planning on giving a speech?" she asked. notti shrugged his shoulders, feeling uncertain about the idea of speaking in front of a large crowd. he knew how much he cared about Zoey, as she was one of his closest friends, but the thought of standing up there and addressing possibly hundreds of people left him at a loss for words.

it's not like he had anxiety—but that much people looking at you while you talk about how much you miss them?

even talking about her in that sense was enough to make him tear up so he was sticking on just watching everybody else give their speeches.

"ion know what i would say," notti voiced his thoughts, his uncertainty evident.

jahzara nodded in understanding, acknowledging the weight of the situation. it was a difficult task to find the right words when the absence of someone so dear felt so heavy.

suddenly, jahzara called out ddot's name, causing him to lift his head up with a lifeless expression on his face. "you giving a speech at the service?" she questioned. ddot nodded, his voice hoarse and raspy, as if the weight of his emotions had made it difficult for him to speak. 

"ion know if i should write it out or just speak." he replied, his words filled with uncertainty.

jahzara nodded and the group fell right back to silence.the atmosphere without zoey was silent and strange, a stark reminder of her absence. the sadness hung in the air, casting a somber mood over everyone.

a piece group was missing, leaving a void that couldn't be filled. the thought of standing up there, in front of all those people, without zoey by their side felt incredibly unreal.

but unfortunately it was real, and they were gonna have to accept it.

F SPEAKS ⭐️

NOTE — heyyyy ! i finally finished this small ass chap and dis was just filler to show they mournin forreal 💔💔. gawd damn i miss my rambling babygirl. but whew chile less than two chapters left up on dis biitchhhhh. today was so hectic for me y'all, i was scared i wasn't gon have time to update 😭😭. thoughtsssss ? y'all think she deserved to die? me i don't, my baby should be alive. anywaysss, fia loves uu 💞💞.