"Really, I couldn't have been happier. I thought the worst was behind me and that I could finally date Barbara. But really, I couldn't have been further from the truth." Gerard gravely spoke.

~18 months ago, Gerard's POV~

As Barbara told me to, I went in the lab during lunchbreak. Okay Gerard, breathe. You've been preparing for this your whole life. You're pretty now; she has no reason to reject you. I open the door. Here she is.

"Gerard," Barbara smiles. "You came."

I was so enthralled by her beauty that I almost forgot to answer.

"Yeah I... You..." I didn't know what to say.

"Shh..." She shushes me and puts her soft lips on mine making my heart flutter in joy but also bewilderment. I kiss back but I'm too shy to try anything more. No need to though : Barbara quickly puts a hand behind my neck, deepening the kiss. She kisses me like I've never been kissed before. No doubt : I am completely infatuated.

I hear Barbara mumble against my lips : "you've done a lot for me, you deserve a reward, don't you think?"

I feel panic settle in and I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything.

It all seems so unreal to me !

Barbara resumes kissing me more deeply, making me recoil and I put my hands on the laboratory bench behind me not to fall back. She unbuckles my belt and unzips my pants then thows her hand in my boxers. I grasp the edge of the laboratory bench as she strokes me.

I moan and she shushes me again with a kiss. I lie back a little more on the bench, causing me to make a few vials to fall on the ground and shatter. Barbara chuckles when she sees how panicked I am as I start looking around.

She tuts. "Don't focus on that baby, focus on me."

She makes her hand work and I don't last very long. Barbara quietly chuckles and I look worriedly at her, afraid that I might have done something wrong.

"You're cute. I think we're gonna get along."

"L-listen..." I begin. "Thanks but- but if I did all of that, it was to- to... To d-date you... So, uh... Please?"

I see a weird gleam in her gaze but I couldn't tell how she feels right now.

"Well... Okay." She smiles and I frown worriedly, trying to tell if she is making fun of me or if she's serious. Apparently, it was the latter option, and my heart stops beating for a split second as I understand that.

"Yeah, why not? You seem kind and I have to admit, you're cute." Barbara explains.

Barbara Walkers called me cute. Barbara agreed to fucking date me. Oh. My.-

"So, are we... Like..."

"Yes." she pecks my lips.

~

"So... you two started dating then?" Frank asked.

"We did. And well, it was..."

"It was...?"

"It was great, at first... But Barbara was possessive, which is weird because we didn't do much together apart from sex... She called me 'hers' all the time. She would get mad sometimes and I always blamed myself. I loved her so much, I was convinced I was the one at fault. I was so enthralled by Barbara that she made me blind to the fact that this relationship was bad for me. I wasn't well, always moping. I started drinking. Not much but still, I was barely 15..."

"Why didn't you just dump her or... at least talked to her?"

"I tried, but she was really smart, she always found a way to get back to how things were. It's like I couldn't escape her, I needed her - or at least it really felt like it, back then. I remember one day, I really wasn't well and... I stayed at a bar for a few hours because I just needed... Some alone time I guess. Then I went to Barbara's. I needed to confront her."

~15 months ago, Gerard's POV~

I knock on Barbara's door, hoping she will be there. I really need to talk to her. The door opens and Barbara welcomes me in and I feel like I may burst into tears. Honestly, I feel like crap, like being myself is not enough anymore.

"Hey, w-we need to talk..." I stutter. I tend to do that a lot when I'm panicked or nervous; that's something I've never really got ridden of.

"Barbara, I... I need to ask you..."

"-Where were you?" she interrupts. "I've texted you, why didn't you reply?"

"I-I was at the bar... Listen, I don't want to keep things that way. I mean- It's fantastic being with you but... It's not what I pictured... Please understand." I whine softly.

"You mean, you're not happy with me?" Barbara frowned. "You're telling me you're dumping me?"

"No! I-I just wanna spend more time with you, I want us to go out and be a real thing. And also, I... I don't like when you call me chubby." Gerard sniffled, his voice was hoarse and broken.

Barbara approaches me and slaps me in the face, making me hold my cheek in shock. She slaps hard.

"You slut! Have you got any idea of everything I've done for you? How your life has changed since you're with me?"

Well, she has a point. All bullying stopped since I was with her. But that doesn't mean I'm happy now. Barbara always brings me down and teases me.

Sometimes she hits me and that makes me really sad but I know I deserve it - which makes me feel even worse.

I like having sex with her because I like making her feel good and because she's always incredible in bed, but I don't really want it myself. I want more than just fucking because it just isn't love. But how can I refuse her anything, she's done so much for me.

I raise my hands submissively to calm her down. "Barbara, I-I just want you to love me..."

"You think I don't love you? Gerard, I've sacrificed everything for you and this is how you thank me?! I've had no news of you for the whole day and you left me worried sick! I'll tell you what, you're an ungrateful bastard Gerard."

She slaps me again and I recede, tears already escaping the corners of my eyes.

"I- I'm so sorry..."

I stagger back and scurry out of the house because I can't take it anymore. I hear Barbara yell something like 'come back here now', but for once I don't obey. I just run.

After a few minutes, I stop and sit on the sidewalk. It's already dark and, I have to say, chilly. The streets are deserted and quiet. I sit cross-legged on the floor and I start crying.

I hate myself. I've screwed up everything. Why can't I be right for Barbara? I want to be good for her, but I think I'm not enough. I'm such a slut.

Yeah, I'm a slut.

I bring my knees up to my chest and hide my face in my arms. I keep crying -I don't even know for how long.

I hear footsteps on my left but I don't budge. Maybe it's a psychopath ; maybe I'm going to get abducted but honestly, I couldn't care less.

I feel a hand on my shoulder.
Go away, go away, go away...

"Hey Gee..."

I look up as I recognize Barbara's sweet voice, and see a sad smile on her face. I get my head out of my crossed arms but I look down at the pavement, not daring to look at her.

"Gerard, what was that earlier?"

I shrug and sniffle, still staring at the ground.

"Hey, look at me."

I obey and look at her with my bloodshot eyes. She runs her soft chilly fingers across my achy -probably red- cheek.

"I'm sorry I slapped you. I really had a terrible day today, and I was worried for you."

"It's okay, I understand..." I mumble under my breath.

"Gee, I understand your pain. Maybe we're not working, maybe we should break up..."

"NO !" I immediatly shout at that and jump in her arms, wrapping my arms around her neck and burrying my face in her neck. "P-please d-don't. Please don't l-leave me... You're all I have!"

I feel Barbara stroke my short black hair. "I know baby, but I can't if you don't like me for who I am. If you think I'm not right for you, then it's better to break up. I don't want you to be unhappy."

I clutch even more at her, crying harder in her shoulder. "P-please... You're not the p-p-problem, I am. Please, I swear I'll make efforts. I'm sorry."

"...Okay" Barbara kisses my head. "No more tantrums?" I nod. Barbara smiles and helps me up. "Come on, you'll sleep at mine tonight."

"B-but I have t-to help my little b-brother with h-his homework... "

Barbara arches an eyebrow and I bite my lips. "N-nevermind, he can do that without me."

Poor Mikey, I promised him we would spend time together, for once. I'm never here for him, we never talk. I think he's already mad at me, and if he's not now, he will be soon. After all, I promised.

"I'm proud of you. I love you."

And the three soft words immediatly made me forget about Mikey, and I hug Barbara.

~

"I could never have laid a hand on her. I had great hopes for a long-term relationship and well, I have to say, she kept me hopeful." Gerard rubbed his forehead, focusing on keeping himself together.

"I was fully committed to that, hoping that she might give a little in return and love me back... But she never did. She always manipulated me to get what she wanted. She was a real puppet master, and I was her puppet."

"That's awful..." Frank mumbled.

"Gerard, can you tell us how it... Ended? You know, the last page." Anthony asked, fearing that his request might be uncalled for.

"Well... Mikey completely stopped talking to me after that day. I grew more and more sad. A couple months before that page, I started taking drugs - antidepressants. I also started... Cutting myself."

Gerard rolled his sleeves and Frank and Anthony bent to look for pale scars.

"You can't really see them but they are here. I always made sure they weren't deep enough to leave scars. Also, I healed pretty well."

Gerard rolled down his sleeves. "Anyway, on that day... March 22... I discovered something. You can't imagine how much it crushed me.

"What happened?"

Gerard sighed, tears brimmed his eyes as the memories came back to him. He squirmed a little in uneasiness.

He couldn't go back now. He had never told so much to anyone, not even to Mikey.

Mikey only knew about his brother's past infatuation for Barbara and how that faithful day of March had ended, but he didn't know what had led Gerard to make that choice and all the abuse he had been through. Mikey only knew about the terrible aftermath of it.

~14 months ago, Gerard's POV~

I want it all to end.

I'm lying on my bed, not moving a bit. The only thing in movement were the tears gliding out of the corners of my eyes to my temples - since I'm lying on my back.

Mikey hates me. We never speak but when we do, we just yell at each other. My parents are never here, I don't have any friends.

The only thing I have left is Barbara ; she is the only one who cares about me.

I need to see her, she'll know what to do, she'll know how to cheer me up. She always does.

I get up and take my pills, mom has just bought me a stock of them. I grab my coat, and I leave the appartment to go and see Barbara.

I arrive at her house, the door's open. I hear muffled voices inside. I didn't know Barbara was expecting someone. Maybe I should've warned her that I was to drop by...

I can hear voices through the door that leads to the living room. The door is slightly open and I see Barbara on the couch, chatting with Alex. Alex?

What are they talking about?

I can't help but eavesdrop. I can't see Barbara's face but hearng is enough.

After a few minutes, I was about to walk away when I hear something I wish I never did.

"Hey, what about your fucktoy?"

"Hey, he has a name, okay?" Barbara frowns. "It's Gerard."

Me? A fucktoy? But- we're dating?! We're in love! She loves me, she told me she did!

"So, what are you gonna do about him?"

"I'm thinking about getting rid of him, but I'm not quite sure. He's hot but so whiny... I'm sick and tired of always having to comfort him. I'm not a babysitter."

"Get rid of him then." I see Alex shrug.
How can he say something like that? I'm not an object!

"Mmh... I don't know. He's a good submissive and he's really great in bed."

"Better than me?"

"Maybe..."

"Come on, you love my big dick."

"I definitey do. Yeah, I'm just gonna dump him."

"Yeah but the kid's depressive, isn't he. You're all he has. What if-"

"-Not my problem. He's more of a pain in the ass than an entertainment now. He's nothing to me. Now come on and give me some of that big dick of yours, you know how much I love it."

Alex smirks. "What a bad girl. Alright then."

I see Alex kiss Barbara roughly and lay her on the couch.

I scurry out of the house, slamming the goddamn door. I don't care if they heard me, I don't care about anything anymore.

I hurts. It fucking hurts so much. I cry like I never had before, I feel like the world crumbles around me as I run back home. I feel like I'm falling and that there is no way I can ever get up on my feet again.

I arrive home. No one is here. It hurts too much, she never loved me. I've fought my whole life for her but she was only using me as a piece of meat, an entertainment all along.

I run in the bathroom and look at my red, ugly, soaked face. I'm still so chubby. I'm still ugly.

In the end, I'm still the same shy, fat, stuttering loser Gee I was a year ago, and nothing will ever take that away.

I look at my pills and an idea pops into my mind. Not a new one, I've thought of that before, but now I really want to do it. My face twists as I cry even more.

A little voice in my mind tells me it's a bad idea, but that's a dying voice that soon fades away. I grab my pills and take a handful of them.

I stuff everything in my mouth and swallow.

I take all the pills I can find. I gag but I don't throw up. I start feeling dizzy and dazed like I've never had, and I slide on the bathroom tiled floor.

My stomach aches and gurgles, and my insides twist.

My mind goes blank and everything goes black as I'm swallowed by the cold darkness.

______