Gerard went home, carefully avoiding his parents and Mikey. He knew that his brother would ask questions and he also knew that he could never lie to him, especially not about something this serious, this bad.

He just couldn't.

Gerard fell on his bed and resumed crying. His whole body was still aching from the beating, but that wasn't the main cause of his wailing.

He had avoided the worst scenario, but just thinking about what Bert had been about to do back there made him want to throw up right there and then.

Gerard sighed, and went to the bathroom with a lump in his throat. He picked a small shiny object he had hidden and sighed again.

He had promised himself he would stop, but he yearned for it now, it was like an addiction, a physical need.

He needed to make himself stop thinking about Bert. He needed to make himself stop thinking.

And he only knew one way to do that.

He had succeeded in stopping hurting himself for a while by keeping himself busy, but apparently he was unavoidably relapsing. Self harm was like a shadow, following him wherever he went, always.

He put the razor blade on one of his arms and cut through his soft skin.

It was hurting, but that was such a familiar sensation that it was almost comforting.

He did the same on his other wrist, careful not to dig too deep into the flesh, not to leave any visible scars.

Gerard watched blood pearl on the not so deep wounds, drip down his arm and fall in the white sink, like droplets of crimson rain.

He waited for the wounds to stop bleeding and aching, like a junkie waits for his drug to stop kicking in and the effects to fade away.

He cleaned the sink and his arms before pulling his sleeves down to hide the pale redish marks, and headed back to his bed, collapsing on it before falling asleep.

He was so exhausted and shocked that he didn't even have nightmares that night.

______

Gerard's nose had completely healed up and you could only see a pale, fading bruise if you looked close enough actually know it was there.

"Gerard, hey! You look good as new," Frank saluted him, ruffling his hair.

"Yeah, I think I owe that to miss Clarke and her balm..."

"You should've told me, I could've helped you apply it." Frank winked.

Gerard giggled.
"It's okay, it's only my nose, not like it was out of reach..."

"Hey, change of subject, you remember our birthday party's tonight, right?"

Already?
"Yeah, happy birthday by the way ! I just gotta ask, it's Thursday..." Gerard trailed off.

"So?"

"There's school tomorrow."

Frank laughed. "Who cares? What are they gonna do if half of the school has a hangover, huh? Come on, you don't turn 17 everyday !"

"Fair enough..."

"You'll be there, won't you?"

"Sure, I wouldn't miss it for the world!"

"Great, I'll see you tonight then." Frank was about to walk away when he turned back. "Oh, the theme is 'hot', so don't forget to wear something hot!" he added with a wink before leaving.

Wear something hot... Those words were still echoing in Gerard's mind when he went home to get ready. Luckily he had the perfect outfit.

He put an ample dark grey t-shirt with a deep v-neck that also showed his sides, that was probably the hottest top he had. He also put his skinny leather jeans that made his butt look so good, his favorite leather perfecto, and his black combat boots to complete the outfit.

And the final touch : he ran a hand through his short red hair and tousled it, making it artfully messy. His hair was one of the only things he liked about himself.

He went downstairs and left afoot after warning his mother that he'd be back home late. Mrs Way couldn't be happier to see her boy doing better and going to parties with friends.

Gerard regretted not asking his mother to drop him off because it was already around 11 pm when he arrived at the Iero's.

The wide house was already crowded far more than it should have been, and loud music could surely be heard miles away - but nobody really cared. The Iero's house was quite far away from any neighborhood - it was the perfect place for parties.

Gerard crossed the wide yard and went inside where the music was louder and the lights dim and colorful.

He knew some of the people by sight, but not all of them. He could see some drinking and chatting, others doing shots at the counter, and some already making out in corners or in the yard. He didn't doubt that some rooms were already taken by people hooking up.

The twins' parents were very conciliatory on the alcohol and drinking games and were okay about people having sex. In fact they were open to pretty much anything - except drugs. That was their golden rule : no drugs at their boys' parties.

The only thing they were accepting was pot. But if by any chance they found anything else than pot, then the brothers were done throwing parties and going to others. That was why Frank and Anthony were careful about not letting any of those substances in.

Besides, who needed cocaine when there was weed and plenty of vodka at the bar?

Gerard was greeted by Ray, beer in hand, handing another to Gerard.
"You look stunning tonight, red head !" he yelled over the noise.

"Thanks. Have you seen the twins?" Gerard asked and Ray shook his head.
"Hey, I think I saw Christa when I walked in. Are you gonna try something? Maybe hang out with her, at least?" Gerard asked before taking a sip of his beer.

Ray blushed. "I- uh... I was thinking of letting her know that I exist..."

Gerard giggled. "Sounds like a plan. You got this."

"Yeah, maybe just start a conversation with her would be a good start."

"I'm sure she'll love you, there's no reason she wouldn't, you're the sweetest dude ever ! You can do it."

"Thanks, I'll try. See ya !" Ray waved at him before to look for Christa.

Gerard suddenly felt lonely, despite the dozens of people dancing near him - if you could call it dancing. He had never felt fully at ease at parties but rather detached.

He finished his beer and decided to look for Frank, if he wasn't there perhaps he would be in his room.

He went upstairs, smirking when he saw Brendon and Dallon making out in a hallway, and stopped in front of Frank's door. It wasn't closed.
He shyly knocked before sliding his head in.

His heart bumped in his chest at the sight of Frank, making out with another man he had never seen before.

Apparently, they were too focused on each other's mouths to notice Gerard, and when the man sunk on his knees before Frank and yanked his pants down, Gerard panicked and hastily closed the door to cover rising moans that he could guess were Frank's.
He hurried back downstairs, looking around confusedly like a lost puppy.

Frank had every right to do what he wanted of course, and Gerard shouldn't care, but right then he was... - well, he wasn't exactly sad, once again what Frank did of his intimacy was none of his business. No, he was actually kind of... stunned.

He had been told that Frank fooled around a lot, but he hadn't quite realized that until now.

Gerard sat at the bar, not really knowing what to do. He took another beer to distract him from what he had seen.

As he was thoughtfully sipping his beer, he felt someone tap his shoulder and turned back to see a blond girl smiling at him. "A word?"

Gerard nodded and quickly finished his beer. He followed her in a quieter place, in an empty room. He didn't know her but he had nothing to do anyway.

"Sorry to come to you like that. Aren't you the guy Anthony and Frank fought over the other day, at the cafeteria? It was weeks ago, I know, but it was weird to just, like, go talk to you at school."

Gerard blushed and nodded. "Mmh. I'm Gerard..." He hadn't drunk enough to get rid of his shyness.

"Well, nice to meet you Gerard, I'm Carla." she smiled warmly. Gerard thought that she looked very friendly. "I was wondering... how do you do it?"

"Do what?" Gerard frowned, not sure if he understood the question.

"That. Get them both wrapped around your finger. I kind of understand them though, you're beautiful." Carla chuckled.

Gerard blushed even more, not really used to such praising, especially from people he didn't know. "I don't know, I mean, we're friends and- I don't know..." he stuttered.

That made him wonder, why did the twins like him? What was so special about him?

"They have really different taste you know? So if they both like you... then you must be really special."

Carla took a step closer to Gerard who was mostly confused. She looked at him from head to toe and gently lay her hand on his shoulder.

"What is it? Is it something you do to them? I wanna know..." she ended in a seductive whisper. Gerard didn't know what to respond and just looked at her confusedly.

"Or maybe they just love your pretty face... Don't take it wrong, you do look stunning," Carla said, biting her lower lip.

Gerard mumbled a 'thank you' before Carla captured his lips with hers. She kept kissing him until she noticed that Gerard had frozen on the spot.

"What's wrong? You- you don't think I'm pretty?" she asked innocently. "I'm-"

"N-no! You're really pretty, but I just..."

Carla frowned before letting out a merry laughter. "You seem really tense... You should relax, it's a party ! Come with me, I'll find you something that will help with that." she winked and took Gerard's hand, dragging him back in the main room.

Carla sat at a bar and passed a shot to Gerard, and took one for herself.
"Drink with me? Come on, it'll be fun !"

Gerard really felt like uptight and awkward at the moment, and he really didn't want others to think the same. So he nodded.

"On three." Carla smiled. "One, two, three."

They both drank their shot, and Carla poured some vodka again in the small glasses. "You ready for more?"

Gerard kept nodding and drank, again.

"Damn boy!" Carla laughed, patting him affectuously.

Gerard felt a rush of confidence that made him feel like he could drink the whole bar. He grabbed the bottle and poured himself another shot. He drank it, probably to impress Carla or whatever.

The vodka quickly got to Gerard's head, and suddenly things appeared so much more colorful to him, like gloominess just didn't exist. He was euphoric - not to say drunk.

This time, he was the one to serve another shot to both of them, then he got up, along with Carla and the bottle in his right hand.

Gerard laughed to himself.
This party is just getting started.

______