Anika's Point Of View ~ 

The sunlight hits my face as I open the blinds of my bedroom window. I can hear birds singing to each other, singing songs of many to alert  that it is time to wake up. I hear my grandmother call me, I look towards my closed bedroom door. 

"Anika, dear . . are you awake? . . " She asks sweetly.  

"I am . . I am grandmother . . " I confirm to her. 

"Don't worry, dear I won't come in. Because you might not be decent . . " She says. 

I can't help but to giggle. She is so cute sometimes. I grab my bathrobe, letting it hug me as I wrap it around my waist. All of those smells from my childhood come back immediately. It's the smell of freshly baked bread, coffee too of course. The sizzle and spit of the stone as grandmother makes her famous eggs and bacon on toast. I can smell it all from my bedroom. She has always been a fantastic cook. When I was growing up, I would always help her. Always cook with her. I still remember and cook all of her recipes for Darren. 

Oh Darren! 

I still haven't called him yet. 

I grab my phone, dialing his number in seconds. He picks up. 

"Anika . . are you okay? . . " 

He asks me, concern all over her voice. He's worried. Oh no. I completely forgot to call him when I first got here yesterday. I feel so terrible. 

"Darren, hi. I'm sorry. I completely forgot to call you once I landed and got settled in . . " 

I continue speaking to him. 

" . . my mind got . . ah . . umm . . side tracked. But I'm fine . . " I inform him. 

"It's okay, just happy to hear your okay and having a good time . . " He says. 

"Yeah, it's great to be back, crazy too. And seeing grandmother is just great . . " 

"That's great Anika, please give her my love . . " 

"Of course I will . . " I say smiling, throwing in giggles here and there. 

It's silent for a few seconds before Darren speaks again. 

"Anything else you wanna tell me? . . " 

" . . no . . nothing else . . " I say. Darren tells me he loves me, I return the sweet sentence by saying it back to him. 

"I'll call you tomorrow, sweetie . . " I tell him. 

"I look forward to it, Anika . . " He says. 

I can feel him smile through the phone as he says it. We say our goodbyes before I gently place my phone on the bedside table. Darren is so sweet. He is. Sometimes his mood goes up and down but he has always been good to me. That's why I feel in love with Darren to begin with. But I don't understand why my eyes keep looking there . . keep looking at this photo. 

. . at him. 

I swallow hard. I lift my hand up slowly, placing my shaking fingertips upon the top of the photo frame. My eyes still on him until I can no longer see him, the photo now face down upon my bedside table. I take a deep breath. I need to go . . I need some air. I need to go for a walk. That will make me feel better I'm sure. I stand up, changing into a dress. My footsteps quick as I walk into the kitchen where grandmother still is. She looks at me with a smile. 

"Good morning, dear. Breakfast is ready . . " 

She tells me as she fixes me a plate full of everything. 

"Oh I'm not very hungry. I'm going to go for a walk . . get some fresh air . . " 

I say, feeling as if I'm tripping over my words again. 

"Oh okay, I'll wrap up your plate and keep it in the fridge for you whenever you want it . . " 

Grandmother tells me. 

I give her a weak smile, about to turn around towards the front door but I see that the stove is still on . . still hot. I walk over to it quickly, turning it off. I watch as the red stove disappears as it begins to cool down. I see grandmother turn around to face me. Her face says it all. 

"Oh gracious! . . "

"I forgot to turn the stove off. And I forgot to double check it like I always would . . " 

I walk over to her, placing my arm around her. She knows . . and I know. It upsets me but it's the way it's getting. It's going to be that way. But I'm going to be here for her. I tell her to sit down so she can have her breakfast. She does so, as I fix her a plate of breakfast and preparing her morning coffee. I still remember how she takes it. I lean down, giving her a kiss on the cheek. 

"Thank you, dear . . " She says softly and very sweetly. 

"I won't be long. Call me if you need me . . " I inform her. 

I walk towards the front door, opening it and taking a deep breath of fresh air. I walk towards the beach. I always loved this beach . . it's the closest to my grandmothers house. Across the road. The wind is warm, the air is salty but fresh. The feeling of the soft sand underneath and in-between my toes as I hold my sandals in my hand. I walk down, towards the sea as I look out at the horizon. It's so beautiful. Swimmers and surfers in the water. Sail boats looking almost angelic as they float on top. I sit down onto the sand, my legs out and bent at the knee in front of me. My hand finding the sand. I pick it up then watch it fall through my fingertips. I feel my eyes begin to tear up . . one falling down my cheek slowly. I have always loved this particular beach. It brought me happiness . . but also so much pain. 

This is the beach. 

. . this is where we were, this is where we sat that night. 

I remember wanting to be near him, to be as close as I could to him that night. Because I knew that I hurt him. He was quiet. The only sound was the crash of the waves. It destroyed me. It kills me inside. It still does . . 10 years later. How can that be? So much time has now passed . . but you can't forget something like that. I will never forget that night. I felt myself change within that moment. Like I knew I wasn't going to be the same person after I left that beach. And I did - I changed. He would bring out the real me. Fun, bubbly, confident. He would make me feel so happy . . so loved. And now he's gone, that person left too. I still ask myself where is the person I once was? Where is the person that I know I am? She must've left with all my faith after that night. I put my head down, almost in shame. More tears fall from my eyes. 

I stand up. 

Walking back towards grandmothers house. I walk into the kitchen, looking outside the large window that lets you see the backyard. I see grandmother. She's sitting on the back verandah, reading a book. She's good, she's okay. 

I make my way into the bathroom. I take off my sandals, my dress, my underwear. Everything. I step into the shower, the warm water drenching my now naked body all at once. My hair wet, slicked back. I stay standing under the water as it falls . . my hands on my eyes, over my face. I can feel the water droplets as they fall off my naked body and onto the saturated tiles. The hot steam rising up and out of the shower. I feel like I'm in a box but I'm the one that locked me in. I'm suffocating, running out of oxygen. 

I'm paralyzed. 

I feel like I can't move. Why aren't I moving? . . 

I feel so numb but feeling so much. I'm so lost. I can still see him, I still remember him. His smile keeps coming to my mind. I can see him . . he's there. My head up, looking at the ceiling. My back against the shower wall now as I sit on the soaked floor. The water still falling on me. My knees raised, my fingertips gliding over and through my wet hair. 

I'm paralyzed. I'm just so paralyzed. 

to be continued.