Michael's Point Of View ~

My name written again on the top left hand side of the paper with a comma beside it, this punctuation tells me that there is much more to come. I'm shocked. This letter . . is written by Anika. This letter that is in fact written for me. My eyes scanning through it, not missing a word. Anika has written it all . . everything. She tells me why she did it. Then, she tells me why she left town so suddenly. 

She saw me, she says. I didn't know this. 

I didn't see Anika. So, how could I have known? But nothing happened. I was trying to move on, to forget what came about on the beach. I was trying my best. But it wasn't working. 

I feel tears beginning to form. All those feelings rising up within me as I read. It's like it's happening all over again. 10 years have pasted now, yes. But that doesn't matter. Those feelings never truly went away in the first place so it doesn't take long at all for them to be felt again. My heart pounding, a tear falls from my eye. She writes that she is sorry. Even asking for forgiveness. But it's what she writes next that completely astonishes me . . Anika never stopped thinking about me? 

She wrote that. Right here. 

Then writing she missed me. 

Anika saw me with Katie. This is what Anika means when she says I hurt her. But, nothing happened between Katie and I. Again, I was trying to move on from Anika after she told me that night on the beach. It must have been the night I took Katie to the movies . . we were holding hands. It was only a few days after the beach. That must've been when Anika saw us together. And that is why Anika left town. I hear the sound of my bedroom door opening. The jingle of the doorknob to the whistle of the door itself as Anika pulls it towards her, to open it. She stops. My eyes still on the letter. I finish reading it, to then look up with my tear stained face for Anika to see. I see her eyes are wide. She is frozen. I hold up the letter in one hand. 

"What is this, Anika? . . " 

Her lips move but no words come out. I feel many emotions - anger, sadness. The shock still of even finding this letter. With all those emotions at once, it's hard to tell which one I'm feeling more. This letter was dated very recently, only a few short weeks ago. Anika still remembers, still thinks about that night at the beach 10 years ago? But why didn't she just talk to me about it? Since she got back to town and for every time she spoke to me, saw me . . she could've talked to me about it. She had every chance. 

But she didn't. Never. 

"Since you got back into town. Seeing me, spending time with me . . " 

"Were you ever going to talk to me about it, Anika? . . " 

"Or did you think I deserved nothing more but this letter? . . " 

She still hasn't spoken, not one word. I'm looking at her eyes. I see as they too, have tears in them. One falling to then glide down her cheek. Anika looks away from me suddenly, looking down. I continue to speak. I have a shake in my voice as I try my best not to completely break down. 

"Were you even going to give me this letter? . . " 

"Or did I have to find it myself? . . " 

" . . and by chance too . . " 

I walk towards Anika. So slowly. Her eyes away from me, still looking down. I feel as if my cheeks are saturated with my tears now. I'm standing in front of her.

"Why didn't you come to me . . " 

" . . to tell me that you were leaving town? . . " 

"Don't you think you owed me that? . . " 

I'm looking right at her. My voice soft, still having a shake to it. I wait. Trying to be as patient as I can. I wait, keep waiting for Anika to speak. Until a few seconds later . . she does. 

"I couldn't . . " 

Her voice in almost a whisper, her eyes come up and meet mine again. 

"You couldn't? . . " 

I ask. Wanting her to clarify what she just said.

"Why couldn't you, Anika? . . " 

I can't help but to allow of those emotions to rise up even more within me. As the tone in my voice is no longer soft, but uplifted. Much, much more. The sight of addition tears fall from Anika's such glassy eyes. 

"Why? Give me an answer, Anika! . . " 

"Because by doing that, I would have changed my mind . . " 

Anika walks away from me. I turn around follow her, to keep my eyes on her. I see that she seems to be pacing. One of her hands is placed on her hip while the other hand is placed on her forehead. I don't speak. Instead, I just wait once again. Because I know, the nostalgia of it all . . it's so overwhelming for the two of us as we remember. She turns to face me suddenly. 

"Is that what you wanted, Michael?! . . " 

"Is that the answer you wanted to hear from me?! . . " 

"I know it was tough for you . . " 

"And what, you just thought it was easy for me?! . . "

I remain silent. Tears fall as she speaks. 

A few seconds pass causing Anika to sigh softly, walking back towards me. Taking both of my hands into both of hers. Anika's eyes, they look straight into mine. 

"Michael . . " 

"I do regret not keeping our baby . . " 

She says softly to me. My head falls down. Tears down my cheeks, they seem endless. The mention of it again after so long of never allowing myself to ever think back on it. The feeling in my stomach, the feeling in my heart . . it's the same. When Anika first told me 10 years ago, back on the beach that she got an abortion without telling me. The feeling I had back then to the feeling I have right now, hasn't changed. 

"Me falling pregnant, it wasn't planned . . " 

"I didn't know it was going to happen to me . . to us . . " 

I look at her, in her eyes. I want to. 

"But it did. I was so freaked out when I found out, Michael . . " 

My hand comes up to rest upon her damp cheek. I let her continue. 

"I was young, so young. We both were . . " 

The room silent. I wrap my arms around her, hugging her. Wanting to hold her as close as possible to me. 

"I didn't know what else to do . . " She says softly against my chest. 

I begin to understand that we were so young. But it breaks my heart that Anika felt she couldn't even come to me to tell me she was pregnant. That aborting the baby . . our baby, was the only thing. The toll these past 10 years have taken on the both of us is enormous. It's something that has changed us . . changed our lives. My arm around her back with my other hand holding the back of her head as I hug her. Anika's arms around me too. The room continues to stay silent, with only our sniffles heard here and there. Until finally, the hug is broken. But Anika and I stand close to each other. 

"After I left town, I wanted to contact you . . " 

"But I knew you were so angry at me. Hated me, even . . " 

I shake my head after those three last words come out of her mouth. My hands placed gently on each of her cheeks. Hate her? I could never hate her. I love Anika . . so much. 

"I was angry with you, Anika . . " 

"And I blamed you for leaving. For thinking that was best for me . . " 

" . . but it was you that was best for me . . " I tell her softly, looking into her eyes. 

I feel her hands grip onto my shirt. 

"Michael. I never stopped loving you . . " 

"Everyday I payed for leaving you . . " 

" . . I wanted you and I cried for you . . " 

Her voice breaking. Her hands still grip my shirt. It's a hold that feels, to me, that she never wishes to ever let go. 

"The abortion was the right thing to do, I felt, at the time, because we were so young, but leaving town . . leaving you, I made a mistake . . " 

Anika says softly. 

That's it. I don't speak much after that. Instead, I kiss her. Slowly and so passionately. I pick her up to have her legs wrap around my waist. I walk backwards, to my bedroom. Anika has her back on the bed with me on top of her. I break the kiss, looking at her. 

"Do you want this, Anika? . . " 

Her hands still gripping onto my shirt. Her eyes have dried, so have mine. Tears replaced with total lust. And love. 

"Please, Michael . . " 

to be continued.