Anika's Point Of View ~ 

I feel like a headless chicken. I'm getting ready to see Michael today . . we are only going for a walk as he has work later today. I called him last night. It is as if those photos of us made me want to contact him again. We talked on the phone for hours. 

I felt on top of the world. 

Lisa comes into my room, holding a dress. 

"Okay, try this one on . . " She tells me. 

Lisa is so lovely. I told her everything . . all about Michael coming here to see me after that night I unexpectedly bumped into him while he was working. And since then, we have talked and been hanging out. I told Lisa, Michael and I were seeing each other today too. And without a second thought, she came over with clothes in hand from her much younger days. I take the dress she wishes me to try on, heading into the bathroom to change into it. I always have loved this dress. When Lisa would wear it, I was only very little but I always hoped that I would one day be able to wear it. It's a dress that makes you stand out but also one that keeps a low profile. Elegant but not too . . classy but not over the top. It's subtle and modest. I hear a soft knock upon the bathroom door already. I can tell Lisa is dying to see what it look like on me. 

"How's it going, Anika? . . " She asks. 

I open the door. Lisa's face saying it all, nothing needs to be sad. However, I still find myself asking the question anyway. 

"Does it look okay? . . " I ask softly. 

Lisa claps her hands together, brushing off my question immediately as she walks towards me. 

"Oh Anika. You look amazing . . " We both look into the large mirror of the bathroom, our reflections before us. Our smiles wide but mine . . it changes. It disappears as I hang my head down, continuing to battle with my mind. They say the battle comes when you get knocked down and they are right. It's only when that happens, do you truly feel yourself get back up and fight . . as you fight to find your happiness again. Fists at the ready, eyes focusing on nothing else but your opponent as they too stand in front of you as well as your ears listening, just waiting for that ding. But for me, it's more mental than physical. That is what the battle means for me. That the battle, the true battle . . 

. . is the battle you fight within yourself. 

I feel Lisa see this. Her face soft. I think she knows why. She does. Lisa knows me too well. She knows all about my past, my history with Michael and my feelings for him. Still. How is that even possible? I have been fighting this battle within myself for 10 years. After I left, I was sad. Hurt. But my mind kept going back to him. When will it end? . . will it ever? Lisa's arms around me. She tries her best to comfort me, choosing her words very carefully. 

"Anika. Talk to him about it again . . " 

She says softly. I wipe a tear away, hoping it was quick enough to not give Lisa the chance to see. I want to talk to Michael about it. Of course I do. But I'm afraid. I'm so fucking anxious. I know that if I do, it'll just bring it all back. That night. The day I left. It is something that I have wanted to forget but never did. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much time passed and how much I wanted it to just go away . . it never did. It never will, I feel. When it comes to the heartbreak of love, people change. People get older . . they get wiser. They then grow into different people. And it makes them stronger. It helps them to learn from their past, to allow them to move on and therefore eventually forget. But me . . ugh. It just hasn't been that easy for me. I'm still the same person. I still love Michael so much. I still get those butterflies when I speak to him, when I look at him. I miss him. I miss us. That is the battle in my mind that I am trying to fight as such feelings and thoughts shouldn't be around. They shouldn't have the authority to rise up with me every time I look at him. It's not right. 

I know this. But I can't help it. 

I keep thinking about us. I miss the way he would kiss my forehead good morning. He never forgot a day. And if he wasn't with me . . he would text me to say 'a kiss on the forehead for my girl this morning'. It would instantly make me smile. I always felt so special, so loved. As if I was the only person that existed in his life. Sometimes even feeling like we were the only two people that existed. I hear Lisa's voice knock me away from my thoughts. Her hands on my arm, her eyes wide and her lips in the shape of an oval. She is so excited. 

"A knock on the door. It's Michael! . . " 

Do my ears deceive me? I didn't hear it at all. Lisa quickly walks out of the bathroom, into the lounge room where my belongings are already packed and waiting. I walk out, seeing Lisa holding my handbag in her hand. I walk towards her, taking my bag from her slowly. My heart racing. 

"You got this, Anika. Answer the door . . " Lisa says, smiling so wide. 

I am so thankful for her. I asked if Lisa could stick around here. Just so she can look after grandmother for me while I am out. I don't want grandmother here on her own anymore. When I was grocery shopping the other day with Michael, grandmother had a fall. I came home and she was laying on the floor. She told me that she was fine, not to make a fuss of it. I took her to the hospital immediately. Just a bruise was the result. So today, I'm not taking any chances. I place my hand on the door knob, a deep breath is taken. Today I'm going to do it. I'm going to speak to Michael about that night . . why I left. He does deserve to know. I need to do it. 

I open the door. My eyes on him immediately. He smiles at me. 

"Hi, Anika . . " He says softly. 

But my eyes fall down. Michael has a dog with him. A beautiful golden retriever to be exact. Michael notices my focus is now on the dog. "This is Odie . . " Michael says. I can already tell he is the sweetest dog in the world. His tail wagging with a very friendly look on his face. I give Odie a good pat while Odie gives me a good sniff. Michael starts to giggle as he sees this. 

"There. Now Odie knows who you are . . " 

We begin our walk. I can feel eyes on my back as I know Lisa would be watching us walk away, down the street and out of her view. Michael and I giggling as we both look at Odie. There is just this spring in his step. Michael is the first to speak. 

"How is everything? How is your grandmother? . . " He asks. 

Michael knows she isn't herself. When he came over that time and grandmother didn't even remember him. He knew. He figured it out. I just shrug my shoulders. 

"I'm assuming that's why your back in town? . . " Michael asks me. 

I look at him as we still walk side by side. "Yeah that is why I'm back here . . " 

I answer very softly. It's only a slow strut now. Do I say something now? Do I just let it all out? Do I have go as far as telling him that I still love him? That I never stopped. If I tell him . . will he even understand? We sit down on a seat as Michael lets Odie off the lead. My legs crossed at the knee, my hands resting in my lap as Michael sits next to me. 

"Grandmother isn't well, Michael. She is forgetting things . . " 

"Forgetting people like she forgot you . . " I say, looking straight ahead. 

I can't even look at Michael now. Michael asked if that is why I am back in town. But he sounded very distinct. Yes. I came back for my grandmother but I didn't expect Michael to still be living here. I hoped that he would but then there is always that other part that wishes he moved away like I did. 

"Yeah, I thought so. She didn't know me at all . . " 

"Anika . . " I look at him. He's looking at me. 

"I'm sorry about your grandmother. I'm here if you need me . . " He tells me softly. 

He still hasn't changed. His kind heart remains. 

"Anika? . . would you like to come to dinner with me tomorrow night? . . " 

Michael suddenly asks me softly. He tells me that's why he wanted to see me today. Well, one of the reasons. He did actually wish to see me . . to spend time with me. But he also wanted to ask me to dinner. I smile at him. "Of course, Michael . . ". My mind is on overload. I take a soft deep breath. Okay I'm going to do it. The time is now. Oh god. Bringing it up again, it's so hard. I am terrified. But I have to do it. I hope he understands. I hope he forgives me. Please, Michael. forgive me. I am so sorry. 

My courage is barely there but here I go. 

"Odie! Oh no . . " Michael suddenly says. 

I look over, towards Odie. Towards where Michael is now running to. Odie is sniffing around, running away with their belongings. It's playful to Odie but Michael see's otherwise. As I watch Michael leave . . so does my courage. 

What little there was. 

to be continued. 

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