tw:thoughts on suicide

"Can I come in?" Zoya spoke from the other side of Peetas door, knowing he'd have to recognize her voice and didn't want to knock and have Katniss suspect her being here. The last thing she needed was President Snow finding out she was spending more time with the twelfth district rather then the fifth.

"You can." Peeta spoke from the other side, much more calm now that he'd left the table. When Zoya opened the door, she looked around his room before she did him. It was well kept, the windows cracked open despite the expensive AC running above him, "Come to yell at me for trying to read your mind again?"

"Yell at you?" Zoya rose her eyebrows, walking over toward the window seat he'd been in, looking out one of the windows that hadn't been open slightly, "I only recall raising my tone slightly."

Peeta moved his feet so she sat across from him. Zoya spoke up again, "I would like to know what I am thinking that, if you could spare me your talent for half a second?"

"Hilarious." Peeta said unamused, but a small smile on his face, "Sorry for leaving like that. You don't have to be here helping us but you are, I shouldn't have just walked out."

"I'd have walked out and thrown all my silverware on the ground." she nodded, his head turning her way with a odd expression, "Your reaction was acceptable."

"Compared to yours." Peeta laughed, taking his eyes off the capital and looked her way, "You're not just staying around District Twelve because you enjoy our company, are you?"

Zoya gave a forced smile, a small shake of her head, "It's a lot deeper then that, I hope you never have to feel it."

"With your district?" his curiosity got the best of him, because her tone and the look in her eye didn't seem like the Zoya he was just having dinner with. Now she appeared exhausted, sad, calm, all things she usually wasn't, "About your games?"

"Haymitch is the only reason I survived my games." Zoya looked at Peeta with a serious expression, her eyes resembling the stray dogs that would sit outside the bakery, begging for scraps, "The least I can do is help mentor his tributes while he drinks his games away. We don't all get to do that."

"He was so drunk at the reaping." Peeta said, Zoyas lashes fluttering when she blinked, "Fell right off the stage."

Unexpectedly, she laughed, "Sounds like him."

"How are the tributes from Five?" Peeta asked her curiously, pulling his legs closer to him and messing with the bottom of his pant leg. Now that the strong scent of alcohol wasn't all that filled his nose, Peeta took notice of how Zoya smelt of cinnamon, lavender, and the white wine she'd had with her dinner.

"The boy wants nothing to do with me, called me a cheat and a phony." Zoya nodded her head, recalling the words he snapped at her when the pair got onto the train.

"That's rude." Peeta said, making Zoya laugh suddenly, "What's funny?"

"Nothing." Zoya laughed at him again, seeing the slightest bit of offense across his face, "You just think that's rude, wait until you hear what District One and Two have to say."

"They don't like us much either." Peeta recalled the way the four had stared over, his own death seemed to flicker in their own eyes, "And the girl? The redhead?"

"She's clever." Zoya admitted, thinking of her young tribute, "Her mind is really advanced, it's stronger then any weapon out there. She's sweet, but I can tell she think i'm just in the way. She doesn't need me."

Peeta saw the faint look in her eye, almost like she'd been sad at her own words. He knew better then to think she'd been sad over a young girl not needing her, no, it was deeper then that. But this was the first conversation he'd had with her when she wasn't arrogant, when she wasn't putting on some massive, hard ass show for the capital. Peeta could see sadness all over her, a gentle side, one that was so different then how she'd been in the public eye.

"You were a baker?" Zoya spoke up, her knees coming up to her chest and leaning on them slightly. Peeta was so easy to talk to, she'd only had four real conversations with him and all he felt so gentle through, so understanding. Zoya was use to being mocked, use to being called a cheat and pathetic. But Peeta didn't look at her that way, he didn't make her feel like she had to put up a massive act to show she wasn't the weak link from district five, like she didn't need to prove herself to him, "Effy said your family owns a bakery?"

"My parents were the bakers, I just helped out sometimes." Peeta glanced out the window slightly before focusing back on her, "What did you do? Before the games?"

A real smile spread across Zoyas face, "I was a mechanic."

"A mechanic?" he asked her, she couldn't decide if he was shocked or surprised.

"My dad was a mechanic, he taught me so much that I just started helping him out after school." the girl nodded, picking at her fingers. They were painted black, the ends slightly sharpened but not enough to hurt herself or anyone else, "I still do it sometimes."

"Around District Five?" the blonde asked, so observant. Zoya didn't stop to think about how Peeta could easily be using her, only sucking up to get on her good side so she'd grant him sponsors in the arena. He wasn't, of course not, but the way Zoya was too busy obsessing that someone wasn't making her feel like she had to prove something, was concerning.

"Yeah, usually just with Roz, sometimes I go to District Four and fix up some of the boats." there was a soft, gentle smile on her face as she spoke of it, "Have they told you about Rosalind?"

"No, I just know she won the 72nd games and hasn't came out much since." Peeta told her all he'd known about Rosalind, "I feel sorry for her."

"She's a sweet girl, you'd like her." Zoya gave a sad smile, looking out at the capital, that had seemed so small from all the way up in the District 12 penthouse, "Her Games messed her up pretty bad, she's still recovering."

Peeta hesitated, "What about you?"

"What about me?" Zoya took her eyes off the building to look at him again.

"Are you still recovering?" she thought his question was a trick, like he'd been almost mocking her. Zoya went to snap at him, stand up for herself and push that wall up again. Then she stopped, seeing the look in Peetas eyes. He wasn't mocking her, he was asked, he was curious what her games did to her.

"Of course." Zoya spoke, though she hesitated because she didn't want Peeta to get into the arena and loose hope because of her, "But it's bearable, when you learn to live with what you'd done."

She was lying. It wasn't bearable, truly. The amount of times Zoya stood infront of a bottle of pills, thought about jumping infront of the trains when they picked up the latest technology from Five, thought about the nightlock berries from the arena she'd been gifted as a token. But she wasn't going to say that to Peeta, selfishly, she didn't want his death on her if he decided to give up, knowing even if he won he wouldn't be wining anything but a life of trauma, like her.

"I think Katniss could win." Peeta admitted to her out loud, his eyebrows rose slightly as he spoke, "For her sister."

"I think she could too." Zoya said back, "She doesn't like me much."

"She does like you, that's the problem." Peeta smiled as her slightly, "You threaten her."

"She's told you this?" the long haired girl asked.

"No, I can tell." Peeta shrugged slightly, looking at her then at the overview of the capital, "You're a very intimidating person."

"Probably because you know that i've killed so many people." Zoya hummed, because the other victors intimidating her too.

"No, well, yeah, but that's not it." Peeta said, earning a small chuckle from Zoya, "It's the way you act. You don't let what people say get to you, you don't give into it. It's the way you don't let what anyone said truly get under your skin. That's terrifying."

"It's all about not letting it show." Zoya said to Peeta, because she felt like she could trust him for a odd reason, "Stuff will get to you, and it'll bother you so bad. But the key is to not let it show, make people believe one thing about you that is a complete lie."

Peeta expected a similar answer, because the past ten minutes she'd been here with him, a different side was showing, "Did that help you win?"

"The interviews are important, Peeta." Zoya said seriously, a small shake of her head as their eyes met, "Anything you say, you make it to the point were they will pitty you, love you, fear you. Pitty, love, and fear gets you sponsors, which save your life in the games."

"Are you telling me I should do that?" Peeta asked her, because she'd given off the sense she was hinting at it.

"I'm not allowed to tell tributes from any other distract, except my own, how to act in the interviews." Zoya shook her head, inhaling sharply as her eyes seemed to get heavy, "But if I were Haymitch...i'd tell you to."

Peeta nodded, a slow blink in his eye, "Thank you."

"Don't thank anyone." Zoya gave a sad smile as she stood up, "I better get back, I have to teach my tributes how to have manors."

Her tone was mocking Effy, making Peeta laugh, "Good night, Zoya."

Before she left, she turned, "Peeta."

His eyes turned her way, waiting for whatever she wanted to say.

"For what it's worth, I think you could win too." and with that, she was gone.

•

kylie speaks

smh, now she'd got
him wrapped around
her finger.

them using each other's
names in sentences is so
cute to me.