act i

pg. x

𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒

' 𝐢 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥;
𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝,
𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐬 𝐬𝐥𝐨𝐰 '

__________

LOVE ME BACK by ginette claudette played aloud on the radio as i danced & sung around the small bathroom, shampoo bubbling in my hair as i massaged it into my scalp.
         today was the day. the girls and i were going to hear their official record for the first time, and i planned on being with them majority of the day. despite the rough night i had last night, i actually managed to wake up on the right side of the bed — feeling untouchable.

"june hurry up! i gotta pee!!" maya's voice shouts over my music. rolling my eyes, i pay her no mind as i prepare to rinse the coconut scented shampoo from my head.

"use ya aunts!" i demand , turning up the radio to the max so i could no longer hear her complaints & could be in my own world at peace. "all you gotta do sometimes is call me baby, all i gotta know is that i cross your mind." i shout off key with the record as I put my head under the streaming faucet.

               the high was unmatched; i felt good. once i was finished rinsing & conditioning my hair, i quickly search around for the blow dryer, still humming to the tune of a different song.

"dammit iris." i groaned, realizing i couldn't find what i was looking for, likely due to her taking it to dry her long acrylics.

          hastily exiting the restroom, i stomp my way down the hall and around the corner to her bedroom — where she kept everything that didn't belong to her.

"june —" she began, bumping into me as i was about to enter the room just as she was going to exit.

"i'm just here for the blow drier." i state, trying to avoid any conflict. we'd been okay the past few days; i haven't said much and neither has she. maybe cause now she has nothing to nag me over, i haven't said anything wrong.

            i continue into her room, scanning the dresser for the blow dryer, as she stood behind me.

"ok.. once you're done with that, we need to talk." her voice was calm, too calm. any other day it would've made me nervous.

"about?" i purse my lips, finally spotting the tan machinery i'd been searching for all along.

"well for one.. you came home late again last night. where you been?" she questions, leaning against the end of her dresser. turning around to face her, i roll my eyes. i knew it had to be something.

"i was with gina & yolanda. i wanted to hang out with my friends while i still had the chance."

"oh." was all she said, taking me by surprise.

          iris was one of those people that was loud , and vocal — always having something to say. so for her words to just vanish like that, worried me.

  
"whats wrong?" i dragged out, not really caring , but oddly curious. "you heartbroken or somethin?"

           however, i knew that was impossible. iris ain't have a heart no more. all that love stuff ain't matter to her; if she lost one man, she'd bounce back with ten. i don't know how she did it, pretend nothing to feel anything, but she did.

".. dana called last night." she hesitated before speaking.

             dana.. my first instinct was to laugh, cause iris had to be joking. it'd be cruel of her to joke about something as such, but i didn't doubt it for a second. i hadn't heard from that woman in two years, and suddenly .. she calls?

"mama called?" my heart felt like it sank to my feet, hearing me call her that. "you forreal?"

              two years, 730 days. not a letter, not a call — only postcards from every city she'd visit throughout the country, sometimes a magnet. lord knows how long it took me to 'move on' from the hurt that lied within me when it came to my mother.

my mother.

              i'd be lying if i said she wasn't to blame for everything wrong with me. i find it hard to feel anything but anger whenever i saw her face. i missed her, but how am i to miss someone when they're the reason we don't speak? yeah she gave birth to me, but she ain't love me enough to stay.

i needed her.

    
"i wouldn't play with you like that." she admits. "i told her you got a job now, working for the place in manhattan. she said she was proud of you girl.."

             as if that were supposed to make me feel satisfied. i could care less about how dana felt when it came to my accomplishments; it's not like she was here for anything.

"yo, i ain't even know she was still alive." i joke, moving past her so i could continue what i was doing before she hit me with that news.

"don't be like that." i heard iris voice following behind me, making me groan.
"you know it's hard for her to speak to y'all."

            i heard that line time and time again, how hard it was for dana to communicate with her three kids because it just hurt her too much. i didn't buy it for a second.

"where she staying now?" curiosity filled my mind. last i heard it was in the carolinas — she'd found a man there, i probably had another sibling.

"she didn't say." iris shrugs , " but she does miss you. dana would not stop asking questions. she didn't even know your ages." iris giggled , as if it were something funny. perhaps i missed the joke.

"nice." i began to detangle my thick wet hair, officially over the topic , and ready to go on about my day; but iris appeared to have other plans as she stood in my doorframe & watched me.

"she's coming back you know."

heard that before.

"oh yeah? when?" 

"hell, i don't know!" she announces after a short pause. "she's your mother, ask her yourself."

"how iris?" i narrow my eyes, "and she ain't no mother to me. that's your sister, and you're obviously the only one she feels comfortable enough to speak too."

"you could always write her." iris suggests, shrugging. i smack my lips.

"now what sense does that make? i can't write someone who won't share their address." iris groans loudly, as if i were making this difficult.
   

"you know what little miss hostile, just do it. i'll find a way to get it to her, okay?" hee loud voice returning.

          i thought to myself; perhaps she was right. maybe i should write dana, maybe i'll tell her to never call here again .. or perhaps even better, i'll give her a taste of my mind.
            the fact that iris was pushing so hard for me to communicate with her didn't make a lick of sense. it made me wonder, what was all said on the phone.

"nah, i'm good." i plaster a grin on my face, finishing combing through the frizz of my curls. "but uh .. i gotta get dressed. busy day ahead." i make a quick excuse, just so she'd leave me alone.

         by the look on her face, i could tell that was not about to be the case. she continued to stand there, staring as if she were reading into my soul. she was so defensive over dana, and for what?

"what?" i blurt out , tired of feeling the pressure of her eyes.

"you so damn childish & grudge-holding." she snarls. scoffing to myself, i begin to get dressed. i learn to ignore her presence.
"you need to fix your attitude! letting all the dead weight of the past hold onto you. learn to let it go!" iris lectured. beginning to get frustrated, i quickly snap my neck in her direction.

"yo, unless you've been in my shoes, don't try and tell me how i should react. aight?"

        i hated that. people always telling me how i should feel, or how i should react — i'm the only one entitled to how i feel. at the end of the day, i'm the one who's left with this weight on my heart, not her or anybody else.

"and i can't just let that go. you tell me, if yo mama walked out that door and left you on your grandmothers front porch at the age of nine , and never came back for you, what would you do?" i profess , honestly asking. "nights you stayed up crying for her in your brothers arms, because you had a nightmare of her somewhere getting dragged throughout the house by some man again. how would you feel lookin back at all that now?"

              the words stung like acid, and my happy go lucky mood was going to shits. i should've known it was too good to be true. no wonder iris couldn't stand me, i held so much weight in my heart and pain in my soul — sometimes it was unbarring. for a minute i forgot it was there; for a second.

"what's going on?" carter peeked his head into the room. quickly wiping an escaped tear, i slid on my shoes, acting like it was nothing.

"i gotta get going forreal. i have to do my hair, finished getting ready, so i need to focus." i turn to them both. iris seemed to have ignored carters presence all together. he looked at me, then at her, before walking away as he should've. meanwhile iris stayed.

"it ain't healthy—"

"don't talk to me about healthy." i declare, plugging in the blow dryer. iris shook her head.

"you get more and more like her everyday." she mumbled, rolling her eyes before finally
walking away, slamming my door behind her.

           exhaling deeply and closing my eyes, i count down from twenty.. then ten.. then five, trying my hardest to ease my nerves.
opening my eyes, i stare myself in the mirror.

"i'm nothin like her." i whisper to myself. "i'm my own person.. no matter what anyone says." i shook my head, turning on the blow drier.

                   EVENTUALLY i made it out the house, meeting regina , yolanda & mylene — to which we caught a ride with jackie to manhattan to meet some record people.
the four of us girls sat comfortably, all dressed nice & lookin pretty as everyone listened to the record play. not only was mylene's tío present, so were both of her parents. even jackie cleaned himself up from the last time i'd seen him.

           right now, it was my girls time to shine; so i put on a happy grin, feeling happiness for them as if i were actually apart of the project.

"yo, we sound like the joint!" regina hoots with excitement.

"it sounds so professional!" i added, bobbing my head to the beat of the song.

         they described it as a gospel disco, something to bring two different worlds together. i liked it before, and now that i actually got the chance to be up close and personal with the song — i loved it. a sound so unique, without the pressures of mylene having to be something she's not.

"do you like papí?" mylene turned to her father who only stood, appearing to be in shock.

"i think he likes it." mrs.cruz spoke up for him. mylene's father took a deep breath, briefly smiling.

"its uh.. it's beautiful — you're beautiful." he stammers with a smile. "i'm so proud of you."

           mylene grinned. for once her father approved of something she did. knowing him, usually by now he would've found a problem to lecture her about.
           i guess that's what it's like to have a father though; overbearing. i wouldn't know, but from what i've seen it's a different type of relationship. he & mylene has the oddest bond.

"jackie let's hurry up and get this on the radio pronto." papa fuerté instructs, snapping his fingers.

"what makes a hit a hit is if it proves itself on the dancefloor, where the sinners are and it's not gonna get there until it reaches all the dj's in the city." jackie responds, making me raise an eyebrow at his choice of words.

"mr.moreno, little wolf knows a gang of dj's." regina inserts herself into the conversation. scoffing i roll my eyes, bitter that she was even bringing him up right now.

"i doubt he knows the dj's you need regina." i nonchalantly reply to the naive girl, wanting to thump her in the skull, but i had to keep it classy.

"she's right, most likely he doesn't." jackie agreed. "we're meeting with mrs.leslie
lesgold tomorrow tonight. one of the top dj's in the industry." jackie foretold.

               i then remember how i needed to meet with celine tomorrow night to discuss the job. a smile crept across my face, both with excitement for them and myself. just like the song said, we were setting ourselves free. just like that.

"yo, we gotta play this for the boys!" i suggested to the girls as the record finally stopped spinning.

          PICKING at my names, i sat on the arm of shao's couch letting my legs dangle loosely. clutched to my chest were a few copies of the record, while one played loudly on the turn table. i began to chuckle, watching dizzie dance around happily to the song.

             my eyes then drift over to zeke, who bobbed his head to the beat, grinning. he seemed in good spirits, so i was hoping he was over whatever had occurred between us last night.

"come here, let me set you free." boo began, stroking my arm like a maniac. i grimace in disgust before pushing him away from me.

"boo imma choke you, forreal this time." i threaten the young boy, dusting off my bare arm.

"this the wack shit, where's the get down?" shaolin remarks rudely, causing for me to roll my eyes at his ignorance.

"he's so wrong mylene. this record will set so many people free." dizzie complements, continuing to dance along to the record.

"yo! this shit is garbage!" shaolin once again inputs, as if anybody asked.

"don't listen to him, everyone deserves to hear this song." dizzie adds.

"thankyou dizzie." mylene grins, ignoring everything that came out of shaolins mouth. the two barely knew eachother and couldn't stand one another; each for reasons unknown.

"what do you think zeke?" mylene turns to him specifically. the smile he had prior to her calling him out never left, as he looked at her.

"it's amazing."

"yo we ain't got the time for this. we got a battle to prepare for." shaolin rolls his eyes, going behind the turn table, preparing to take the record off.

"wait shao," ezekiel stops him. " you hear that get down part?" he questions him, as a small, fast paced instrumental portion of the song.

"oh shit! this break beat could be our secret weapon. we need this!" shao exclaimed.          

          curious, i got up and went toward the booth, trying to see what they were talking about.

"the part without us singing?" regina furrowed her eyebrows, now standing beside me , along with mylene.

"exactly." shaolin grins mischievously. "can we please get another one of your records."

"why?" mylene interrogates.

           i was the only one holding the few records we brought, and i wasn't giving them up without her permission, since they was hers after all. i wasn't sure exactly how shaolin scratched the records, so i didn't know if damage or not would be done.

"please." shao fake begged. she looked at him, glaring.

"no." mylene declared, putting her hands on her hips.

      without hesitating, shaolin reaches from over the booth and snatches a record from my arms, catching me off guard & causing me to drop the others.

"hey!" i shout, watching him manhandle the record like his usual ones, before diving to the floor and picking the records up.

"yo he's got his dirty hands all over it!" mylene grimaces.

"it's cool, it's okay." ezekiel tried to calm her down, but it didn't work as Shaolin continued to roughly scratch the record.

"yo he's scratching our record!!" regina yells. annoyed with all the bickering , once i'd gotten the remaining records off the floor, i reached over the turn table and snatch the record off myself — shortly before exiting with the other two girls.

"hey! it's good , i'm not hurting the record!" shaolin shouts after us, but neither of us were listening. all we wanted to do was play a record for him, but shaolin couldn't even keep his mean comments to himself — let alone his hands.

"june! mylene!" ezekiel called out as all three of us walked away in unison.

"books please get that record!" was the last thing we heard shaolin say before completely walking out.

"little nigga don't know shit about music. tryna tell me." mylene huffed as we walked down the front steps of the abandoned building. "i don't even know how y'all hang around that fool!"

"fuckin grabage." regina added.

"he.. he's cool sometimes. he just has his days." i try to defend him, but honestly i couldn't. rolling my eyes, i still clutched the records to my chest.

"yo!" ezekiel shouted after us. "hold up a second! j!"

       i sigh finally stopping and allowing him to catch up to me. regina & mylene stopped a few feet ahead of me, watching the two of us interact from afar.

"you let him take the record from me and scratch it all up." i complain. "just like he does the other ones."

"it ain't even like that —"

"you didn't say anything." i cut him off. ezekiel laughs a little, smacking his lips.

"well maybe i didn't say anything because there was nothing to say." he spoke lowly, stepping closer.

             the day was so bright & sunny, and the wind felt warm. the sun blazed on us, yet somehow, i still felt chills being near him.

"she doesn't want him to hurt the record." my attitude was gone, i almost forgot why i had it in the first place.

"i'm not going to hurt that record." he declares.

            readjusted the records in my arms, i lean to the side, glancing behind me then looking back at him.
    

"you still mad at me?" i whisper. "you know.. about last night?"

"who's to say i was mad?" he questioned. i shoot him a look, making him laugh. "ok yeah i was.. but i ain't nomore. i like you too much."

              his lips looked so soft, and his eyes were like deep pools of honey. i wished we weren't outside and the girls weren't staring so hard so i could express my inner thoughts.

"you just tryna sweet talk me to get this record."

"this about me and you, forget all that." he licked his lips, his eyes looking past me, then back at my face. "it would be nice to have though."

           ezekiel is so fine to me. he didn't have to say or do much, but whenever i was around him, it was like boom! fireworks.
there were so many boys i found physically attractive; however ezekiel to me was so beautiful, beyond what my eyes could see.
            never had i ever felt so deeply for someone. i'd give him everything if i had it , without him even asking. crazy to think you could love someone so much, and carry so much of a person inside you without them even knowing.

he need to know.

"you like the record?" i ask, changing the subject because people were still around.

"yeah & i need another copy so i can play it again and again .. and again." he drifted.

"nah, you need another copy so you can scratch it all over." i smirk.

"that too, but k do want to play it over and over.." i saw him. his eyes trailed all over my face, landing on my lips.

"what  are you doing right now?" i giggle, watching his eyes. they told me everything.

"you tell me." his voice was deep and profound. it gave me sensations all over.

"what's happening to you?" i ask. he'd been bolder than ever, ever since that night on the roof. he looked down for a second.

"just tryna keep up with you.." he smirked. "i gotta go back and practice so can I please get that record?"

          i had to show him how deep my love was, somehow. i couldn't shake the thought. i wanted him to be mine in more ways than one, and right now he was lighting a fire within me — i couldn't help myself.

"yeah, but under one condition." i paused , almost giving him the record. "come over later tonight.. you know, after you're done practicing.." i propose.

                he looked at me with a mixture of amusement & curiosity in his gaze. either way, he smiled.

"i'll be there." he confirmed. finally i hand over one of the records, not even thinking of mylene behind me. ezekiel grasps it, before quickly kissing my cheek then running off back into the building.

"go in there and practice my little gigalo!" i exclaimed with a laugh.

"he!" he called jokingly as i watched him enter the building. biting my lip, my mind began to wonder. i had something in store for ezekiel, but how i went about executing it was the question.

"yo j.. not for nothing but , zeke was kinda sexy the way he was talking to you." regina says, placing her hand on my shoulder as we both watch him disappear.

"i know right." i add, a little shocked. if only they knew half the stuff that happened behind closed doors.

"all manly and shit." regina laughs.

"he did sound sexy." mylene smirks. regina & i both turn to look back at her, sort of forgetting she was even there in the first place, but it didn't bother me — because he was mine. i could shout it off of mountain tops if i wanted to.

              it was barely four o'clock, and i already couldn't wait to see him again.

          after seeing the boys, i decide to go back home. once i had made it there, i drop my own personal copy of set me free on the kitchen counter, taking a deep breath.

"yo, little girl where have you been?" carter  asks seemingly out of nowhere, startling me. i turn around to see him on the couch with maya , both watching the show good times.

"kickin it with my girls." i shrugged.

"well time to kick it with me now, cause I want to take my little sisters out."

"wait — both of us?" maya & i ask in unison, glaring at eachother shortly after. carter looked between the both of us before laughing.

              it wasn't like the two of us didn't get along, but maya and i .. were so far in age. i'm sixteen, she's ten. we annoyed eachother in every way, and it was clearly evident. carter was clearly our favorite sibling; he was always in the middle of us.

"duh." he stood up , grabbing his keys off the glass coffee table. "let's go."

"hold up, right now?" i ask confused. i'd just walked through the door, i was not prepared to leave again.

"nah tomorrow." carter sarcastically replied, walking to the door. "don't worry, you look good."

       sighing deeply, i shrug my shoulders. carter never steered me wrong, so i didn't think too much about it. i had nothing better to do anyways, and i honestly didn't mind hanging out with him ever.

          on the way out the door , i purposely wait for maya to walk by, just so i could trip her up one good time. once she walked past, i swiftly kick my leg under hers, making her stumble.

"hey!" she shouted back at me.

"hey!" i mimic her in a high pitch voice.

"i don't like you." she informed me, as if the feeling wasn't mutual — but at the end of the day, it was all love.

"i don't like you either gremlin."

"sasquatch!" maya stuck her small tongue out at me, almost making me want to yank it out.

"that's the spirit guys, keep it up." carter nonchalantly comments, holding the door open for the both of us to leave.

"where are we going?" i inquire curiously. we'd been on the subway for atleast thirty minutes, so wherever he planned on taking us had to be out the bronx.

"somewhere neither one of us has been in years." he leaned back into his seat, grinning. "i don't even think my was born the last time we went."

"ah.. the good ol' days .. before my was born.." i smile to myself , but only to make her mad. deep down i did love the girl.

"shutup." she rolls her eyes, pushing her glasses that'd fallen to the tip of her nose. "but is it fun bubba? are there horses?"

              i turn to carter too, curious. had iris not taken the car, we wouldn't be on this dingy subway to lord knows where for lord knows how long, but i wasn't complaining.

"there's no real horses , but you're gonna love it , i swear." he smiled.

                  one hour & fourty-five minutes later, i was awoken by carter telling me we had arrived. i'd grown weary, and was slightly less excited, but still curious.
we quickly walked through the busy subway station, pushing through people and walking with maya's hand in mind.

            once we made it out, it only took me three seconds to realize where we were. gasping unbelievably, i let go of maya's hand.

"c-connie island!?" i turn to carter, the biggest smile on my face.

           so many memories of the past ; the actual few good ones that i remember with my mother, were tied to that place.
            my mother was born and raised brooklyn, so every summer she'd take carter & i to visit, just to see. she had so many stories she'd tell us whenever we came, it was even rumored carters father was around somewhere near.
           i was no older than six the last time we came here ; the last time i felt actual sand beneath my feet. luckily i was in a dress and sandals, so i could feel the water. it'd been so long.

"connie island?" maya titled her head to the side, looking at all the people.

"newyorks finest." he grinned.

           the three of us waited at the ticket booth for the man to distribute our wristbands to us, so we could get on all the rides, play all the games, but unfortunately we couldn't eat all the food.
           

"i don't know about you two, but the carousel is calling my name." maya remarked, running over to it.

"— and she's calling mine." carter smirked, catching a glimpse of a grown woman walking by, "hey mama!" he catcalled , walking away from me. i laugh to myself, shaking my head ; debating on where to go myself. it'd been so long, and i felt so good.

        by the time the sun began to set, i had been on so many rides with maya & done so many things, i had to take a seat. i sat beside a man that held a radio beside him on a empty bench , looking at all the people walking by with their families.
             i watched the waves of the water on the beach, crashing to shore.  i lick the ice cream cone in my hand, wishing i could run through, and suddenly become a mermaid. where would i go?

"you've had enough?" carters voice rang into my thoughts, sitting between the man and i. luckily the bench was long enough for us to each be spaced out. i shrug.

"what made you bring us here?" i ask, confused by the sudden motive.

"just felt like it." he replied. "you & my are getting old on me, and i want to spend time with you both before it's too late."

           i furrow my eyebrows. 'too late'? i didn't like the sound of that. it seemed like he were implying that either he was leaving or i was; and there was noway i was going to let any of us be apart. i couldn't be away from carter too long.

"what you mean, too late?"

"life is short." he replied nonchalantly, not watching the waves of the water too. "you never know what will happen."

             as he looked away, i couldn't help but stare as i took his words in. i couldn't even imagine not seeing maya or carters face all the time. the thought made my stomach hurt.
              ever since we were younger, i always looked at carter as my savior. he was my number one go to for anything. i admired him in so many ways, i couldn't even count. he had to become a man at an early age, and hustle just so i didn't have to. i realize that now, and i wish i didn't take me so long.

"you right," i agree, finally looking forward, continuing to eat my vanilla flavored ice cream.

"i heard you and iris this morning, talking about mom.." he turned to me, "you think she's really coming back?"

             i should've known it'd come sooner or later. he was there, i remember seeing him when iris and i were going back and forth.

"nah." i truthfully answer, staring into oblivion. "even if she did, it's not like i'd want to see her."

           sometimes i felt like i was the only one resentful of her. iris rarely spoke bad about her, as if she wasn't practically forced by the state to take care of her sisters three kids. perhaps cause she got paid. carter, never really said too much either; it's like he forgot about her. maya just didn't know any better.
          i however had so much anger. so much.

"think of it from her perspective june — it's deeper than what you know." he began. i couldn't tell if he knew something i didn't or were just trying to take her side."if she does somehow come through, you gotta give her a chance. everybody needs their mother right?"

            i scoff a little at how optimistic he was being. how could he be so forgiving? so kind? maybe i missed the lesson on forgiveness; because it might be something i lack.

"i don't. not anymore." i deny. "i might not going to front and pretend that i don't wish she was here, because honestly i do. i wish none of that stuff that happened ever did — but she ain't here, and that shit went down. she left us man, and she ain't have to. i don't remember her having a gun to her head; just a suitcase .. and a man."

               i didn't want to think about her anymore, i was afraid tears might fall. amazing, how years later, such a subject could still make me crumble.

"you right.. but you'll never know until you ask.." he subtly hinted, once again. i turn to him.

"you saying i should talk to her?"

          carter only shrugged his shoulders. "that's up to you ."

              i didn't say anything else. here he was, so lighthearted and carefree. then there was me, so unable to let go. we went through the exact same thing, with the same person, yet — he made it so easy to still have faith in her.
              maybe hearing her story would give me closure, lord knows i need it.

"oh man!" carter laughed aloud, the sound of a familiar tune catching his ears before mine. i look at him confused. "remember this joint here!? j, i know you remember." he pointed at the radio.

              i squint my eyes , as if it were going to make me hear any better. for the good times by al green played on the strangers radio, making me gasp with a smile.

"yo! papa's song!" i place my hand on my chest, feeling a swarm of mixed emotions as i thought of my deceased grandfathers song. although he was only related to us by marriage — he still loved us as if we were his own.

"for the good times!" carter sang way off pitch, making me laugh.

"what you youngins know about this one here?" the man spoke for the first time, turning his radio up for us to hear clearer.

"papa used to blast this record everytime he got drunk with his boys. this was the last record he ever played. then .. he dies that same year man, you believe that?" i shook my head, but the smile never left. "him. then grandma two years later."

"don't think about it like that." he put his arm around my shoulder. "think of it as them taking a trip."

"ok.." i spoke lowly, wondering where he was going with it.

"granny & pa are in a place, sort of like paradise, singing with tammi & marvin — you know how they loved tammi and marvin."

"yeah." i smile softly.

"everyone's there. even your dad." he whispered the last part, my heart sinking. "they're all having a good ass time, partying drinking cocktails."

                it took no time for me to know exactly what he was talking about with the analogy, but i let him go on anyways, wanting to hear more. he made it seem like it wasn't such a bad thing, it eased my nerves.

"i want to go." i look up at him.

"— and one day we will j. all this is temporary. one day, our souls will be truly set free, and we'll be with them.. forever. laughing, only this time, we'll never have to say goodbye."

"let's go now then." i jokingly suggest, just to see what he'd say.

"we can't." he laughed. "besides, i doubt if we're going to go at the same time."

"you know .. i never thought of it like that." i pick at my nails. "like the life after this one. seeing them again.."

                carter continued to look out at the ocean, nodding.

"but you can't be so sad during this temporary time. you have to do what we can here, and now, so we can have a greater time there you know?"

"yeah .." i murmur. carter shook me slightly, as i laid my head on his shoulder.

"lay your head, on my pillow ..." he sung in a humorous voice. i giggle, squeezing my eyes shut.

"for the good times!" we both whine out loudly, laughing afterwards.

"that was amazing!!" maya's voice shouting into the air shook me from my thoughts. in her arms was a stuffed bear and a bucket of cotton candy. it was evident she was hype off all the sweets she'd been eating throughout the time we spent there. carter & i both exchanges looks before laughing at her.

"back to the bronx we go i suppose." carter stood up. sighing to myself, i took one last look around. memories filled the back of my mind.

"hell yeah!!" maya screeched, running ahead of us.

"now look who you've got cussing." i jokingly blame carter, knowing it was likely my fault or iris's.

"me? i believe that was you." he shook his head. i laugh a little, looking at maya continuing to run ahead of us.

              it felt so good, being around them both. to me this had to count for something; it'd been so long since the three of us were actually enjoying each others company at the same time. often did we take these moments for granted, including myself.
         i no longer needed to dwell on memories of the past, i was creating new ones — and these were good. so good.

"thankyou." i blurt out. he turned to me, confused. "for taking us here."

"you're my sisters." he replied nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders. "i guess you could say i'm a pretty ok big brother." he smiles boldly.

"i'm sure someone's got you beat." i joke, making him laugh , causing me to laugh also while rolling my eyes. "no but really you are..you're more than ok."

"aw you love me." he teases, putting his arm around my neck as if he were going to choke me, making me chuckle as i struggled to get out his grip.

"last one in the station eats dick." i grin shortly before running behind maya into the crowd.

"aye!!" i heard him shout after me , beginning to run too.

Later that night

        i sat on my bed, freshly showered, with my journal in my lap for the first time in awhile. with one hand stroking my fingers through my curls, and the other tapping my pen rapidly against the blank page, wondering what to write.

                half of me wanted to write that letter to my moms; all this talk about her made me curious. i couldn't get her off my mind, and whenever i finally forgot about it — someone brought her up again. maybe it was a sign, maybe i needed to tell her how i felt.

             however the other half of me was over it; over her. part of me felt like, i'd made it this far without hearing from her, so i could go more — but then i thought of carter, what he said to me,

it's deeper than what you know ,
you never know until you ask.

         just as i finally began to write on the college rule paper, a faint knock erupted from my window. i turn down the volume of my vinyl player,  once getting up & creeping over toward the window to see exactly who it was showing up at this hour.
then it hit me as i pull back the curtains to reveal ezekiel figuero, i forgot all about him.
           my eyes widen as a I quickly place the curtains back over the window & instantly jump over to my mirror to fix myself.

"one second!" i call , so he wouldn't think I was blowing him off.

      i dust off my silk night gown, and quickly spray myself lightly with perfume. fluffing my hair a little, i once again pulled back the curtains & opened the window for him to come in.

"you came through." i grin, watching as he jumped onto my bed, like it were his own.

"when have i not? i promised you, remember?" his voice seemed to have dropped a few octaves, making it so calming to hear, especially now.

             i leaned against my dresser, studying him as i thought of what to say.

"i got the job... in manhattan." i spoke, remembering how i neglected to tell him. so much had been happening, and none of those times seemed right to insert myself.
"they sent me the letter like three days ago, and i'm goin tomorrow to speak to her."

"forreal!?" he exclaimed , "and you didn't say nothing?"

"i forgot." i admit, giggling at his sudden loudness.

"congrats girl." his smile was still beaming. "you finna be doing yo thing, making that bank."

           i purse my lips, shrugging.

"i mean.. imma try." i fold my arms, "just tryna get fly like you." i joke, making him crack a small laugh.

"that's gonna take a minute." i smile.

           my eyes shift downward , looking at my socks. meanwhile he was flipping through my journal, not focusing on one single page at a time , so i didn't mind.
           so many thoughts were in my head, i couldn't concentrate. i didn't know what i wanted to say or do. the two of us could sit in silence and i wouldn't mind. something about his presence tonight felt oddly comforting.

"we're doing it right?" i spoke up. ezekiel place's the journal down, looking at me with a perplexed expression.

"doing what?"

"growin up." i profess, feeling a small amount of sadness. he thought for a second, i could tell he was just realizing it.

             it kind of sucked. no longer were we those middle schoolers that used to ride the subway to the north side whenever we wanted to skip class. nor were we those kids that used to play hide & seek, and go on magical adventures. i used to be so relieved to grow up, now i'm just sad.

"yeah, we're definitely doing it."

"i'm gonna walk into that place tomorrow and show those celine dior that i'm the one she was looking for." i sit on the edge of my bed, looking over at the laying boy.

"hell yeah you are."he replied, picking up my journal once again, this time steadily thumbing through it. smacking my lips, i quickly take it from him.

"and you're gonna do the same as me at mr.gunns' house tomorrow and impress the shit out of him, right?" i inquire , waiting for him to instantly agree.

"yeah, maybe." he nonchalantly states , as if it were just a normal thing. i roll my eyes, he always acted like he ain't care; it was like he lived with that slave mentality mrs.green was always ranting onto us about.

"no you better." i insist. "because if i get out of the bronx and you find a way out too.. then we can be together for life.." i start.  "like we both said — we're growing up. eventually we're gonna set ourselves free zeke, and we've still got our plan right? to be free?"

"free together till the end of time, right?" he held out his pinky, grinning like the boy i'd fallen in love with long ago.

"right." i whispered lowly, scooting myself closer, to where i was slightly above him due to his head being on one of my pillows. ezekiel played with a strand of my hair, before looking at me.

"you good?" he inquired after staring for more than a few seconds.

"i'm cool." i shrug, trying to keep my face nonchalant, but i refuse to look him in the eye. he sat up, now on the same level as me.

"i'm listening." he insisted , assuming something was off ; but he was right.

"you think i should contact my mom?" i managed to finally say. i could tell the question caught him by surprise, just by how he looked. everyone who really knew me knew that i hated speaking on her.

"do you think you should?"

"i don't know man!" i whine like a child , "like all day these people have been bringing her up, as if i need to talk to her or something. you know she called here last night, askin bout us? iris said i should write."

"what would you say to her?"

 
         i hesitate. rarely did he and i ever talk about the touchy subject.

"i'd ask her why she left." i murmur, fiddling with my fingers.

"you think you're ready for that?" he interrogates. the question made me feel stupid, cause i really didn't know.

"i hope. then earlier , iris was going on about how i was letting the past drag me down & how i need to get over her leaving —"

"she really said that?" ezekiel scrunched yo his face.

"yea she said that." i roll my eyes , laying my head on his shoulder. "i can't stand her boo boo the fool ass." ezekiel began to crack up.

"i think you should hit dana up though."

"really?" surprised, i look to him. "what if she's mean?"

"if she's mean then you'd set her ass  straight." he laughed, "because that's what you do."

"i do don't I?" i grin , feeling a small boost of confidence.

"yeah you do."

              i wasn't sure if it was what he said or the way he said it, but it made think. not only about my mother , but about him. the more he and I would even talk , made me love him more and more. even the small stuff , like eye contact or him being near me , made me feel like floating.

"what?" he asks , shaking me out my thought process, making me realize I had been staring the entire time. i smile a little, looking away.

"nothin', it's just.." i began slowly. i couldn't help but smile. "it's like .. you calm me down and make my heart pound at the same. how the hell u do that?"

              he licked his lips, taking his eyes off me for the first time in awhile.  ezekiel tried to cover up his smile.

"you know, i be thinking the same thing."

           biting my lip, i reach over and grab his face, pulling him in close — before kissing him once. i let his cheeks go, however on his own, he went in for more. scooting below him slightly, i allow him to hover over me, kissing me slow.

             a rush filled my veins , and chills ran down my spine as i felt his hands on my lower back. it wasn't the first time we'd kissed, however this time it felt different. i felt sensational from head to toe.

i wanted him so bad.

           i move my face slightly, stopping us from kissing. he looked me confused, plopping beside me.

"you know your my guy now, right?" i smile a little. "we go together."

"when have i not been yours." he inches closer, kissing my lips. "i love you girl."

               his mouth was moving, but his eyes were telling me more than what his words could. he loved me, with everything in me, i felt that he did. crazy to think, the one person who loved me the most has been right in front of my eyes this whole time.

i never want to let him go.

"i love you too."