act i

pg.iv

𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐘 𝐅𝐄𝐔𝐃

' 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭,
𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 '

________________

 
             I HELD ON TIGHTLY to the handles on the wooden chair, trying to refrain from screaming as yolanda roughly combed through my hair. the one time i allow her to even touch my hair, she has me nearly in tears. we've been at this for atleast an hour, but she was close to finishing.
             i wanted to try something new, and she was the only girl on the block who i trusted with a hot comb — so hear we are in my kitchen, me sitting across from the stove & her fingers deep inside my nest of hair. plus she worked for free.

"dammit j, hold still!" she demanded with a giggle. i close my eyes, inhaling deeply — until i felt the sudden heat of the hot comb directly on my scalp.

"yolanda!!" i scream, trying my hardest not to cuss.

"sorry!" she began to blow on my scalp, as if it'd help. "i'm almost done i swear."

          i've never worn my hair anything but curly. it never mattered to me, but it was who i was. i just hope i'm not going to look stupid in the humidity of the bronx once yolanda finishes my hair.

          carter stood in the frame, looking at the two of us.

"is that safe?" he asks , referring to the comb as yolanda placed it back on the stove to get more heat. i could feel her shrug; which made me fear for the worst.

"but i know what i'm doing, and my girl finna be fly." she replies, grabbing it once again. "girl your hairs so long. didn't your grams ever hot comb your hair?"

"nah. i wore pigtails up until the age of twelve." i drone, thinking back to the cringy time of my life.

"yo i remember that." yolanda giggled. "even then though, you still got all the boys."

"i know that's right." i joke, laughing also.

"don't get upper cut in your jaw thinking your grown." carter laughs, just as the phone began to ring loudly.

          i nearly hopped out the chair, expecting for it to be for me. everytime the phone rang, my thoughts instantly went back to last night, that phonecall.

"she's out right now, mind if i take a message?" carter asks into the phone, making me instantly smack my lips in dismay.

"what you waiting on girl?" yolanda asks, divining my hair.

"nothing. it's .. nothing."

            i haven't told a soul. i didn't want to get too ahead of myself just for nothing to happen. that seemed to happen too often in my life, so i just stopped getting excited about things, and keeping shit to myself.

"probably waiting on ezekiel." yolanda whispered in my ear as carter hung up the phone. i scoff, laughing.

"speaking of, what you was doing out late with him last night?" carter intervened. i smile, looking down. my brother knew what he was doing by asking that, and he knew how ezekiel and i were.

"we were just hanging out. he and this boy have this music thing .. it's so interesting guys i wish i could describe it. its something new."

"that's it right? i ain't gotta go around beating up these boys or nothin?" he joked, but at the same time i knew he was serious.

"no carter you ain't gotta beat nobody up." i laugh as does yolanda.

"ok now go look." yolanda demanded, after finishing the last few strands of my hair. in an instant, i quickly ran over to the nearest mirror in the living room. yolanda followed behind me.

           i gasp at the difference, smiling widely. it was new, and i felt different. not only that, but i looked good.

"what was wrong with the way your hair was?" carter intervenes once again, standing behind us also.

"it's always like that. i'm sick of it." i shrug, running my fingers through my straightened strands. "it was too safe, i'm ready to change things up."

"you look so good!" yolanda smiles, stroking my soft hair. "wait until the girls see this shit here! let alone zeke, oo he's gonna be on his knees."

"you think?" i turn to her, trying to hide my anxious grin. not that it mattered what any boy thought, it'd be nice if the thoughts were atleast good.

"oh honey, i know."

           the wind blew through my hair as yolanda and i made our way down the familiar pavement, receiving looks & cat calls from all over — nothing i used to, my hair didn't matter. whether i got stared filled with envy , lust or just admiration, i ignored it all. the two of us giggle, receiving the attention of two males after we walked past.

      the two of us enter the scarce salon, immediately seeing regina & mylene conversing in the chairs. immediately after the bell rung signaling that we entered, both girls turned their attention to us.

"june! girl look at you!" regina jumps up from her seat, instantly going to touch my hair. i smile, looking down — but i didn't see the big deal, now.

"i'm definitely digging the new look j." mylene smirks, fiddling with her french braid. "it's cute."

"thanks."

"done by me. get at ya girl for a blow out and a trim." yolanda did a small dance resulting in a laugh from all of us.

"but girls — thank goodness you're here. we need your opinion." regina sat up. "yo, tell them."

           mylene smiles shyly, still fidgeting with her braid. yolanda and i took a seat beside them in a salon chair, waiting on whatever the girl had to tell us.

"my tío has a producer coming to hear me sing sunday." her smile grew. yolanda gasped, as did i.

"oh shit!"

"forreal?" i ask. every since i've known mylene, i knew she wanted to sing. we didn't have to be the closest friends for me to know that; and sure i never really liked her too much, i was truly happy for her.

if only my dreams could come true like that.

         — my time will come. when i'm ready, my time will come. i just have to keep telling myself that, but it was hard you know. everyone around you moving and making things happen for themselves slowly but surly — meanwhile you feel stuck. trapped.

"what are you gonna sing?" i spoke, trying to deflect my own self from my head. "you gotta sing something fly if you wanna win him over.

"that's the thing!" regina starts, covering her mouth as if she was trying to detain her laughter. "she's determined she's found the
perfect song."

"mind you, this is going to be at church!" mylene testifies. i grin slightly, trying to figure out what they were getting at.

       mylene took a deep breath before beginning to sing a short spanish hymn, making me cringe a bit. of course her voice was amazing , and her pitch was on point — but that song?
          once she finished, yolanda and i exchanged glances.

"okay, if I'm being completely honest here.." i clear my throat, trying to think of the words to say.

"that ain't gonna work." yolanda spoke before i could, but she said exactly what i was going to. mylene smacked her lips, sinking into her seat.

"see i told you!" regina rejoiced, standing up.

"i don't know what to do guys. what choice do I have?" mylene questions the three of us. just as i was about to answer, the radio caught my attention; lowly beginning to play turn the beat around lowly.

"yo.." i began , going to turn up the radio, dancing and humming along to the music.

"oh shit! its as if it's a sign or something!" yolanda exclaimed.

"what?" mylene asks in confusion. i was confused too, but didn't show it. i just continued to stand by the radio, watching them.

"you've got to turn the beat around!" yolands explained as the two girls began to dance around mylene.

       regina grabbed my hands, pulling me to dance along with her and yolanda as we three began to 'perform', laughing every step of the way. eventually mylene joined us & suddenly we became dancers.

"turn the beat around, love to hear percussion.." the four of us sang in unison.

"you just gotta turn the beat around mylene and your set." yolanda says, catching her breath after our dancing.

"yeah girl spice it up, if you're really trying to get his attention." i agree, plopping myself down.

"and how am I supposed to do that?"

            regina, yolanda & i looked at eachother for answers, while mylene waited with folded arms.

"if you have that old lady on piano, you're fucked." regina says with a nervous expression. she was right. rarely did i ever go to church, and when that lady plays, she fucking drags. the only time i'd actually go & not leave right in the middle is if ezekiel played.

ezekiel.

           noway in hell was i suggesting him to play for mylene. not because of jealousy, but because i feel like it'd be best if the two kept their distance; especially now.

"zeke!" yolanda shouted as if she read my mind. pinching the bridge of my nose, i close my eyes.

"he'd be perfect but what if he's still mad at me from the other night?" mylene murmured, looking between them for answers. i kept my eyes forward, avoiding eye contact by all means. noway was i getting caught up in the mylene and ezekiel saga.

it was apparent she needed him.

"girl, i bet he been let that go." regina tried to reassure her, turning to me. "right j?" now all their attention was on me, waiting for me to agree.

         i took a second to think, going back to yesterday, then friday. scratching the back of my head i almost refuse to answer.

"uh.. well.." i stammer, trying to find a nice way to say no. guessing mylene figured what i was getting at, she face palmed.

"i'm screwed. i'm screwed!" she whined aloud. regina's head snapped to me , mouthing do something. i took a final deep breath before trying my best to comfort the girl.

"look. i know where he's at. we can go down there and ask him face to face." i state. mylene looked up at me with small hope in her eyes and a grin.

             however , after i said that, i instantly regretted it.

              mylene & i made our way through the busy street, traveling to shaolins apartment building. awkward wasn't the word to describe the small trip across town. we were quiet — almost too quiet, until she spoke up.

"so you guys are hanging out with someone new now?" she curiously asks. i didn't look at her, i barely wanted to speak.

"he and the boys seem close i guess." i shrug, trying to ignore her staring eyes. "he's nobody to worry about i don't think."

         luckily, we were approaching the apartment and i didn't have to take much more of the odd silence.

"great."

     i began to ring the bell to his place, signaling that we were present. within seconds five boys looked down at us — somewhat in dismay once they realize i had brought someone.

"oh shit." i whisper to myself as i saw ezekiel stomping his way in our direction. mylene smiled. awkwardly scratching my head, i look away.

"why you here mylene?" he scolds. her smile fades, and suddenly it was like the hot summer day was a cold winter night. i felt uncomfortable & out of place.

"i'm just gonna... yeah.." pushing past zeke, i make my way to shaolins apartment.

         as soon as i stepped foot into the apartment, i was immediately interrogated — which i ignored, quickly walking to the window so i could get a good view of mylene & zeke.

"you told her about the spot!?" rara exclaims, pointing out the obvious.

"duh she's here ain't she. why? was it a secret?" i paid them no mind, still staring down at the couple, hoping to hear something atleast a little interesting.

"yes june! the dojo is sacred." shaolin barked. although i wasn't acknowledging a word they were saying, i took not of the fact that shaolin said my name correctly for once.

"sorry shao. i didn't know." i apologize. maybe that's all they wanted to hear, because after that they finally left me alone and went back to what they were doing in the first place.

          due to their constant talking, i was barely able to hear zeke & mylene's conversation, up until;

"fuck you mylene!" his voice echoed  loud enough for me to hear it clearly.

"i wouldn't have asked you if this wasn't important to me! you know that right?!" mylene calls after him. my eyes narrow in confusion. i fold my arms , turning to face the door, waiting for him to walk through.

           eventually ezekiel walks in, slamming the front door behind him, turning everyone's attention to him.

"what was that?" rara asks.

"she wanted me to help her with some song because she got a music guy coming." ezekiel rolled his eyes , kind of brushing the entire situation off.

"and what did you tell her?" shaolin now steps in and  questions.

"fuck no is what i told her."

"good for you man, sometimes you just gotta teach these —"  shaolin began , only to get cut off.

"don't." i turn to him , stopping him from whatever foolery he was about to say. ezekiel wasn't acting right, and i understood to an extent, but the way he acted was cold. it wasn't him.

"zeke, can I speak with you? like, now."
i demand, more than ask, walking into the other room — expecting him to follow behind, which he did. watching as he plopped himself onto the couch, i stood in front of him. " you being serious?"

"what?" he asks as if he were aloof to what i was talking about, but he was too smart for that. i'm not sure if he was trying to front because we were around shao, but i wasn't going for it. just like he'd set me straight, i had to do the same.

"so you just going around telling people who need you to fuck off? for real?" i fold my arms, in dissatisfaction with the boy sitting before me. zeke huffed.

"june, she ain't my girl, she said that shit herself. i'm done with her." he shrugs nonchalantly, laying back. "she tried to use me just now."

            rolling my eyes, i glance up at the ceiling, actually understanding where he was coming from. it didn't make it right though.

"think before all that though. all of us been tight since elementary, you can't just throw that away." i sat down beside him. "who's to say who will end up with who? we're kids. we fall for someone, maybe we'll get hurt , but at the end of the day we move on." i shrug. i didn't exactly relate, but this wasn't about me.

"i know you zeke and i know there's not one ounce of hate in that big ass heart of yours. you gotta do what's right, for your friend." I add. laying my head back on the couch, i sigh staring off into space. when I noticed him staring at me, I turn my head making eye contact. "don't look at me like that." i laugh a little bit, nudging his shoulder.

"look at you, being all wise and shit." he teased. i playfully roll my eyes.

"i just know ain't nothing worth losing someone important to you — unless they do some real messed up shit." i continue looking forward. i still felt his eyes burning on the side of my face. "now that's when you say, fuck them."

          my mind instantly drifted to my mother. i think of how she left, with that man. there's no telling where she's at now, or who she's with. sometimes i wish i could ask, but i lost contact with her long ago.
           i took a deep breath. it was like a never ending cycle. Whenever she'd enter my head, or even my father, I could almost feel my heart shatter. over and over again, it was something out of my control.

"you okay?"

            he spoke after a while of just staring. i put on the fakest grin ever imagined, and nodded. lord knows i was far from that. i wasn't mad — i was sad. so sad.

"you sure?" he asks again. it was like he read right through me. i couldn't explain my emotions well, so i never did.

"yeah, yeah i'm good." i glance back at him. "i just remembered about my journal that I need returned back to me." folding my arms I quickly change the subject to avoid whatever sap he was trying to force out of me.

"i almost forgot." ezekiel chuckled, getting up and going to go grab it from the front where the boys where. shaking my head, i continued to sit back and gaze at all the posters and art surrounding me blankly, waiting on his arrival.

             once he came back , he plopped himself onto the couch, tossing the fine spiral notebook into my arms. the words J.ELIZABETH  written in calligraphy across the front giving me an odd sense of comfort. i had that book since my 13th birthday, a gift i received from my brother.

"when you gonna read me something?" his voice breaks into my thoughts. i hesitate , tilting my head. i haven't read any of my poems aloud in years. all they were were just some feelings i could never have the full courage to say.

"one day. i promise." i utter , hoping he'd just up and forget about it & the day will never come. the last thing I needed was for him to get trapped & confused in my world — let alone my words.

especially if some were about him in particular.

               as hours relentlessly continued to go by, the sun soon turned into the moon before anyone knew it.
            rara & boo laid slumped on the couch , shaolin was constantly messing with the same record , trying his hardest to master a particular beat. ezekiel laid below me on the floor , writing in his notepad. meanwhile i was doodling his name in pretty letters out of boredom.

it's been like this for at least two hours.

        it were as if we were making staying late at shaolins a routine. it's not like anyone cared what time i got home anyways. as long as I was there when it was convenient for when iris wanted to go out and carter was gone to look after maya.

this is my life, and it sucks.

"yo... yo!" zeke shouts , startling me. i was almost ready to throw a fit, until I realized what was happening. the constant beat that was beginning to irritate my ears had switched up.

shaolin mastered the beat.

       i ran into the area where he was while ezekiel woke each of the brothers up from their naps, all slowly but surely joining shaolin & i. we all began to laugh and dance to the beat as zeke rhymed over it. i couldn't help but stare in awe as he flowed in a way i'd never heard anyone do before. it was like poetry, but different in a sort of way.

it was dope to say the least.

            i'd never seen the boys so happy & in such sync. for the first time i actually understood what they were seeing. the music, the way they worked together to accomplish whatever the goal was. i admired it. it seemed everyone was finding their 'thing' this summer, however i was just in the middle.

        not long after, the four boys and i decided to eat at a restaurant near by, leaving dizzie at the house. i sat sipping on my sprite as the boys ate their chicken down to the bones.

"it's like a dream." ezekiel began. "you finally cracked the code shao. tonight you earned that holiday nigga." he congratulates a grinning shaolin.

"yeah you really did." rara inputs. i glance around the restaurant. a few people were there, but not many. we were the largest crowd, and there were only five of us.

"your hands was lightning flashy shit; but where are you gonna go?" boo asks.

"cooling it here." shaolin replies, continuing to eat at the chicken.

"i'd go to montego bay, jamaica." boo smiles, dazed by the thought. i smile, just thinking of going anywhere out of newyork.

           most people want to travel to places like london, france — and yeah while all thos places sound nice, and i'm sure are beautiful, there's place i've always wanted to travel to. georgia. that was the place for me. my cousins down there used to always write us, they made it seem so live.

"man, what are you going to do down there boo?" i curiously turn to the young boy.

"in my kingdom, i motorboat some big ass jamaican titties on a motorboat." he says motioning it. all the boys laugh while I stare in disgust. he was barely a teenager and already a little pervert freak.

"nah forget jamaica, france is where it's at." ezekiel states. i look at the boy across the table from me, suddenly interested in what was about to come out his mouth.

"oh really?" i ask , sipping my sprite.

"man i hear french girls go topless in their motorboats all the time." rara smiles, causing me to scoff once again.

how the hell did we go from talking about music to topless women?

"i hear that too." ezekiel smirks. i only shake my head laughing at their revealed thoughts.

"forreal?" boo asks, astonished.

"yep."

"yo.." boo began , whispering loudly & glancing over at me. "how j look topless?" he inquires, whispering to ezekiel as if i weren't sitting right across from the two.

"he don't know." shaolin remarks , licking the grease off his fingers. all the boys, except Ezekiel, busted out laughing. i just sat silently rolling my eyes. "he don't." he nonchalantly adds.

           i didn't say anything else as the subject quickly changed. i was more in my own little world, that is until the sound of the bell caught my attention, signaling that someone else has entered the restaurant. it was surprising since anyone was barely in here, due to it being so late.

        I was studying the small group of boys and girl, when a familiar face caught my eye. i couldn't put my finger on who he was, but once he saw me, i could tell he recognized me too. he sat down , still eyeing me , yet talking at the same time.

he looked good.

       i sat nervously trying to contain myself from making any further eye contact , but it was almost impossible. should I speak? no, then it'd look like i'm interested ... but then again ..
this internal battle kept repeating in my head, until I took a deep breath & got up , along with my cup that needed refilling.

          i couldn't speak , so I just hoped he'd do that for me as I stood at the machine filling my cup.
         then just as i hoped, he came over from his table also, leaning against the wall in front of me.

"you're that chick from les inferno, aren't you?" he flashes a pearly white smile. "lauren right?" he laughs.

           and just like that, it clicks. i remembered exactly who he was. lorenzo. i let out a small chuckle, shaking my head at my own antics.

"it's june, but yeah that was me." i was slightly embarrassed. there was no telling what intoxicated me did that night. could've been some wild shit.

"june." he repeated. "and you're still just as fine as I remember." i playfully roll my eyes.

"you're not too bad yourself."

"then why you ain't ever call me?" he smirks, leaning a little bit closer. once I finished refilling my cup with the soda, i gave him my full attention. looking up at him i shrug.

"call— oh man, i think i lost your number. sorry." i nonchalantly note, realizing i actually did. either way he probably wouldn't have gotten a phone call. i forgot about nearly everything that occurred that night.

"well here." he took a small card from his back pocket and handed it to me. i read it with a raised eyebrow. "don't lose it this time."

"what kind of business are you in to be having a card?" i inquire. he hesitated before laughing a bit.

"the marketing business."

drug dealer.

        i quickly slip the card in my pocket after putting two and two together

"okay, cool. i'll call you, but don't wait by the phone." i forcefully grin. "i gotta get going now though, my friends are waiting." i glance over at the table from the corner of my eye, before looking back at him — hoping that was all he had to say.

"cool. bye, june." he remarked, licking his lips in an 'seductive' way. i smirk in disbelief, rolling my eyes as we go our separate ways. by the time I sat back down at the table , the boys were all finished with their food, still conversing like before.

      just when I thought no one noticed me, ezekiel shot me a certain look. he wasn't mad, but it was something odd. instead of studying him any further, i just turn my attention to the other boys, trying to listen to what they were saying.

"but hey we're gonna get to that topless yacht in france on day, though. all right? and we're gonna sail to Montego Bay. mark my words. i got big plans, fantastic four plus one. you guys keep practicing, and j and i are going to promote." rara says , motioning toward me and him.

"oo! ya'll should throw a party and charge. shao spinning , zeke rhyming. dizzie could make some fly ass flyers.. yo , I can see this shit really taking off." i suggest through sips. shaolin looked at me as if he were surprised.

"shes right. it we're doing this we gotta do it , forreal." shaolin adds, as we all look between eachother with pleasant expression. i smile, looking amongst them.

          i felt like i was in a tv show. one where, everyone around me was making plans and doing things, and i was stuck behind the scenes helping shit unfold but i didn't have my own dreams. it was like, leeching, if that makes sense. i felt like any second now, a director would call "cut" and i'd be released — but this wasn't a show, and i damn sure wasn't lola falona. i was june monroe from the bronx, do or die. just turned sixteen two weeks ago, without a dime to my name.

"yo j, you staying or what?" shaolin looks down at me. i look up suddenly to see all the boys standing, waiting to go.

"y-yeah, my bad." i nervously chuckle, standing up also.

            on the walk back to shaolin's place, ezekiel and I lagged farther behind the group in silence. neither one of us knew what they were talking about ahead of us, but from the looks of it, it didn't really matter.

"who was that?" ezekiel breaks the long silence. i tilt my head in confusion, which he must've picked up on. "dude back at the food joint?"

           i giggle softly realizing he was referring to lorenzo. he was nobody to me, but i didn't want to speak too soon. who knows, maybe i lucked up with somebody for once; and finally i'll be able to move on from ezekiel.

however, that was none of his business.

"nobody."

"you sure? you two seemed real familiar with one another." sucking my teeth, i nudge his shoulder.

"i'm positive." i mumble, watching my feet as we walk.

"and your hair." he began. i'd almost forgotten. "it's different. i like it."

"better than before?" i look over at him curiously.

"you're bad either way." he replies. "it don't get no better than you j."

          an uncontrollable smile came across my face. ezekiel boosted me so much, i'm surprised i don't have a big head by now.

"boy—" i start, before looking forward and realizing a bright blaze of fire ahead. i stop in my tracks , paying close attention to it as it looked vaguely familiar. "oh shit."

"what?" he questioned while trying to follow my gaze.

"yo, is that our spot!?" ra exclaimed also noticing the exact same thing i did.

"how could that be our spot when we live over there?" boo says , aloof to the entire situation at hand.

"my records!!!" shaolin took off running quickly towards the burning building. dizzie came limping out , with a few things in his hands, while his brothers questioned him about the records.

"yo shao Wait up!" zeke yells, chasing after him.

              i only stood there while all the commotion was going on. i watched as zeke and shaolin spoke from a distance. from what i could see, shao was pretty shaken up, and i couldn't blame him.
            as he and zeke began to exchange words, shaolin slowly got louder and louder , when suddenly, he pushed ezekiel to the ground seemingly out of anger.

"this ain't disneyland this is the fucking bronx! either you be strong or be gone!" he shouted loud enough for me to hear while towering over zeke. i was hesitant to even go near, so I just watched from afar.

"yo, if you ever see me again, cross the street nigga." were his last words before storming off. i quickly ran over to ezekiel and help him up.

"you okay?" i sympathize, concerned as to what that was about.

"yeah yeah, i'm good." he huffs , brushing himself off.

"what happened?" i interrogate. "was it about the records or something?"

"nothing june , damn." he huffs, pushing me away. "just worry about ol' dude & mind yours." walking away along with the rest of the boys, leaving me there, lost.

what did i do?

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