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❛ ᴡᴀsᴛᴇʟᴀɴᴅs ᴏғ ᴛɪᴍᴇ​​​​​​​​​​. ❜ ° . ༄
- ͙۪۪˚   ▎❛ 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍 ❜   ▎˚ ͙۪۪̥◌
»»————- ꒰ ᴀɴ ᴀғᴛᴇʀɴᴏᴏɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ
ᴍᴇ, ᴍʏsᴇʟғ & ɪ ꒱


❝ MEN. YOU GOTTA LOCK 'EM UP ❞

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Note: Since this chapter has two versions of Five and Dolores, I tried to make it easier to follow
- Dolores/younger is in reference to teenaged Dolores while Lola/older is in reference to "adult" Dolores
- Five/younger is in reference to teenaged Five while Five Senior/older is in reference to "adult" Five

✧✧✧

Lively Irish music greeted them as the trio pushed open the door to the pub Five and Dolores had visited what felt like a lifetime ago. There was an air of celebration as the patrons waited for their Irish president to arrive in Dallas and nearly all the tables were full. They paused at the opening of the entrance hallway to look for the older pair, which Five was the first to spot. "Well, there we are."

Dolores gave her older— well, really younger self— a once-over as she'd gone much longer than her husband without her correct physical body. Oh, god, had her hair really looked like that? She was glad she'd gotten it cut. Five was next to her, diligently scribbling away in his book while she completed a crossword puzzle. In front of the man was a pint of Guinness while she'd opted to avoid any distractions.

"Why don't we just grab the briefcase and run?" Luther asked the couple with his finger pointed in the older Five's direction.

"Luther, I would never let that happen," the boy told him. "We're trained to guard these briefcases with our lives."

"Right," he nodded.

"Plus, it's the inherent paradox where this gets tricky," Five continued. "I'm endangering my existence just being in the same room with myself."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Keep up, Luther," Dolores reprimanded him. "If our older selves don't travel back to 2019 like we're supposed to, the whole thing unravels itself and we—" Here, she gestured between herself and her husband. "—cease to exist. Capeesh?"

"Sure," he replied, sounding entirely uncertain.

"So, our best chance is to talk with him, to reason with him," the boy added. "He'll understand. Trust me. I know myself better than, uh-"

"Me?" the brunette suggested before she frowned. "No, that's not grammatically correct. I?" She paused as the boy reached up and surreptitiously itched his neck. "Nah. Myself? But that's repetitive—"

"You just itched your neck!" Luther accused him. His eyes widened as he pointed to the indicated area. "That's stage two of Paradox Psychosis."

"No, I didn't. I didn't itch my neck."

"Denial is stage one," Dolores reminded him cheerfully.

"I'm fine, okay?" the boy snapped. "Let's stay on task, shall we?" He grasped the girl's wrist and began to tug her forward.

"Wait."

"What?"

"Maybe I should go first," Luther offered.

"Why?"

"Come on, Five. Do you really think you're going to react kindly to bumping into your own tiny doppelgänger? Older you will lose his shit," the man explained quickly.

"For once the monkey has a point," Dolores agreed.

"Just let me break the ice."

Five thought for a moment before he nodded. "Okay."

As the man walked towards their older selves, the girl led the boy over to a nearby pillar. She pressed her back against the wood while she positioned Five in front of her to make sure they were out of sight. He glanced up at her and, despite his slightly perspiring face, he gave her a faint smirk. "You know, this position really gives me some. . . ideas."

"Yes, because your sweaty state screams 'sex appeal' right now," Dolores shot back as she peered around to see how Luther was doing (it appeared that the answer was not great.) "Can you please stay focused?"

"How come you're doing fine?" the boy asked suddenly.

"Maybe because I can hold myself together better than you?" she suggested as she glanced over her shoulder again. "Oh, he's signaling for us now. Let's go."

Together, the younger-looking couple emerged from their hiding place. Dolores' hand was firmly grasped in her husband's to prevent him from doing anything reckless while the boy greeted the older pair: "hey there, strangers."

✧✧✧

The group of five found a table near the center of the restaurant. The two couples sat on either side of a four-top while Luther had the unlucky place squished on the end. Lola eyed the younger version of her self curiously and reached out to touch the— well, her— shorter hair with interest. "You got it cut. I like it."

Dolores reached up to the brown strands self-consciously. "Thanks. Uh— I guess we have good taste?"

Before she could respond, teenage-Five reached over and slapped her hand away. "Hey. No touching."

Five Senior leaned over the table and smacked his younger version on the back of his head. "Don't talk to her like that."

Luther watched the interaction warily, feeling very much like he'd been roped into babysitting four rather possessive toddlers. In an effort to get them back on track, he began to speak: "well. . . this is nice, isn't it? The five of us together like this."

"No," both Fives responded.

"Men," the Doloreses said together.

Lola's tone was more fond. "You gotta love 'em."

Dolores' was less forgiving. "You gotta lock 'em up."

The younger brunette glanced over at her husband and noticed that he'd continued to sweat; the droplets had become more apparent as they stood out against his skin. Reaching for a napkin, she leaned over to gently pat the area dry and pulled her hand away when she was finished. The boy glanced over at her and, for a moment, his expression softened as he gently grasped her hand to intertwine their fingers. Not to be outdone, Five Senior grasped his wife's hand and gave it a soft squeeze.

"Would somebody explain to me how it is that I'm having a pint of Guinness with my younger self?" Five Senior questioned them. Lola placed a soothing hand over their clasped ones while her younger counterpart did the same.

"Older, actually," Five corrected him. "We're you, respectively, just fourteen days older."

"I have pubic hair smarter than you. How is that possible?"

"Five," Lola said in a reprimanding tone. "Is that appropriate language to use in front of. . . us?"

He gave her a half-hearted apologetic look while Five answered, "I can explain. You see, one hour from now on the grassy knoll before the president is killed, we break our contract with The Commission. You two have been planning it for some time now and you're finally going to do it. Today, you time travel forward to 2019. However, you (here, he directed this at his older self) are going to screw up the jump and end up in this twip of a body, trapped, forever, small—"

"It's actually not so bad," Dolores interrupted him with a shrug. "Sure, it's a bit frustrating but it could've been worse." A mischievous smirk crossed her lips as she met her own gaze. "There are certainly some perks."

Lola cottoned on quickly and a similar expression mirrored itself on her face. "I knew those equations were wrong but someone wouldn't hear of it. Serves him right."

"Hey," Five Senior cut in. "You get stuck too."

The woman looked unaffected. "Eh."

"Even if I was to believe you," he continued, "what am I supposed to do about it? Not jump?"

"No, no," Five countered. "We need you to jump. If you don't, we cease to exist. What I need from you is to jump correctly."

"I'm listening."

"I now know the correct calculation," the boy stated.

"What is it?"

A sarcastic smile appeared on his face. "I'll be glad to tell you. . . in exchange for that briefcase you're holding under the table."

"Yeah, yeah," Luther agreed. He jumped in to the conversation in an attempt to be helpful. "So, you go back to 2019 as planned but this time with the right math so you remain a full-grown man. In exchange, we get that briefcase that you no longer need."

"Again," Dolores said, "being a teenager again isn't all bad. Then, bam!" Her exclamation made Five Senior and Luther jump,. "Tmeline restored, paradox resolved. Everyone goes on existing happily ever after."

Five Senior stared at them for a moment before he cleared his throat. "That's quite a bit to take in."

"Not really," Lola disagreed. "We go through with our plan, they get the briefcase. It's quite simple."

Her husband shot her a warning look while Five watched his older self suspiciously. "What do you think?"

Five Senior thought before he answered, "I think. . . I need to piss."

He stood and grabbed the time-travelling briefcase before he turned promptly to his wife. "Dolly?"

Used to the nickname, both Doloreses turned to look at him. He was suddenly caught off guard by the sudden attention of twin pairs of blue eyes. "Yes?" they questioned him in unison.

The younger pair was the first to turn away and Dolores winced slightly as Five elbowed her. "What?"

"I'm your husband, remember?" he hissed quietly.

"I know that," she retorted. "So is he."

"No, he's hers. You're mine."

"Whatever."

The woman stood and pushed in her chair. "Fine. I'll come with you, you big baby, but I'm not coming into the men's."

Together, they left the table as the younger Five stared after them warily. Sighing, Dolores noticed her husband had continued to sweat and she did her best to mop it up with a new napkin.

"Well, besides the flop sweat, I think that went pretty well, am I right?" Luther asked cheerfully.

Five shook his head and raised his hand as he gently brought a stop to the girl's efforts. "No, no. There's something. . . something doesn't feel right about this."

"What. . . what do you mean?"

The boy pointed a finger towards the bathroom. "I don't trust him."

"But he's you," Luther protested.

"Exactly."

"I've got it," his brother said as he stood. "I'm going to check up on him, y'know?"

"You do that," Dolores agreed. "I'll stay here with him." She nodded to the boy. Once the man left, the brunette turned to him. "You know, I trust myself."

Five gave her a curious expression. "But you didn't in 2019."

"I think I may have figured out why," the girl offered. "I'm not. . . well, it's stupid, but I'm not jealous."

"Of what?" the boy asked, looking entirely confused.

She gave him a sheepish look. "Myself. There's an older you and a younger you. Now that there's, well. . . enough of you to go around (here, she looked thoroughly embarrassed) I don't, erm, feel threatened? Yeah. I just feel, uh, really happy? Maybe that's a new side effect after going through Paradox Psychosis twice. . . unbridled joy? Anyway—" she trailed off, knowing that her face was probably very red by now. She glanced towards the bathroom and wished they'd return.

"Oh," was all he seemed able to say; her rambling explanation did not help to clear things up at all.

"Never mind," Dolores said quickly as she cleared her throat. "The point is, I'm not going to do anything detrimental. We just have to keep you two apart."

"He's probably coming up with a plan to kill me right now," Five admitted ruefully. "I would be surprised if he wasn't."

"Well, with two of me that's not going to happen. You may be a mental genius but I'm an verbal one. Me, myself and I will find a way," Dolores promised as she grasped her husband's hands earnestly. "We won't let him pull one over on you."

The boy's face relaxed for a moment and his expression became more loving as he met her eyes. "I know. Even if I don't trust myself I trust you."

The brunette matched his gaze and a warmth spread throughout her chest at his words; the simple statement meant more to her than he probably thought. She would always do anything and everything in her power to protect him. She'd made that promise more than once aloud and made it continuously in her thoughts— the only one she would never, ever break.

"See, I told you they're even more madly in love with each other than what you two are now, probably." Luther's obnoxious voice cut through their moment. Dolores groaned with annoyance and tore her gaze away from the boy as she saw Lola give Five Senior a similar look.

"Idiot," the boy muttered at his brother before he turned to his older self. "We good?"

"We're good," Luther agreed.

"You gotta deal," Five Senior nodded. "We gotta hurry. Kennedy's en route. Less than an hour until showtime."

The two teens stood as the boy's hand settled comfortably in the girl's. "Why are you so anxious to get going all of a sudden?"

Five Senior tensed, only easing when Lola copied her younger self by grasping his hand gently. "Relax," she reminded him quietly.

"You're getting paranoid," the man scoffed at the boy in response.

Both Fives were clearly twitching by this point and the boy's fingers tightened around Dolores' as he gave himself an irritated look. "Oh, am I?"

There was a pause while the Fives gave simultaneous farts, causing both Doloreses to send rather embarrassed grins to each other. Lola leaned over at the same time the teen did. "I'm sorry about him," they said in unison.

"Right," Luther announced. "Let's go."

✧✧✧

Five and Dolores trailed behind their older counterparts and Luther. The brunette watched the boy carefully as he declined steadily downward. Not wanting to take her eyes off of him, she resisted the urge to close hers out of exasperation and instead contented herself with a deep inhale and very long exhale. "Fives, relax," she instructed him as the boy glared at passing civilians. "Getting uptight will only make it worse."

"Worse?" he repeated incredulously. His tone bordered on crazed. "Define worse. Everyone is staring! I'll give them something to stare at—"

"Good lord," Dolores sighed, especially as his outburst drew more attention.

"What are you looking at?" Five demanded as a couple passed them.

The girl steered him away as they continued across the bridge, though he wasn't to be deterred as he shouted after them: "see something funny?"

"Only you acting like a lunatic and those stupid shorts," the brunette huffed as her grip on him tightened.

"You wish you could pull off these shorts!" was the only heated response she received.

"Uh-huh, whatever you say," she agreed dryly. Her eyes flicked momentarily to her older self. Dolores hoped that— well, she was doing her part in convincing the Fives not to kill each other.

At the end of the bridge, they joined Luther, who had waited for them. He gave the pair a (very obviously fake) smile. "Sister-in-law, brother. How are you doing?"

"He's gonna kill me, isn't he?" Five asked bluntly, though it was less of a question and more of a statement.

His brother gave a forced laugh. "What, what— him?" He pointed in Five Senior's direction. "He's gonna kill you?" He chuckled again. "Yeah, right. That's ridiculous."

"You're a terrible liar, ape-man," Dolores told him as they descended the stairs.

"You're a worse liar than you are a spotter," Five added.

"Okay, whose fault is that?" Luther snapped. "What good is it to have a spotter if you don't even listen to him?"

"We'll listen to you when you have an idea worth our time," the brunette replied shortly.

Before the man could respond, Five gave him a different accusation: "so you admit you're conspiring against me?"

"Do. . . do you admit you're suffering from paradox psychosis?"

"All I'm suffering from is the bracing clarity about you and your murderous intentions," the boy shot back as he itched his chest.

"Look, it's not like he's gonna kill you-kill you," Luther reasoned. "He just wants to kill a, um, version of you."

"But he is that version of him," Dolores retorted. "Besides, I don't think that I'm very happy with this plan."

"You're not," the man informed her, "and I don't love it either but it's actually a pretty good one."

Five scoffed, raising his hand to scratch the back of his head. "What? The one where you guys off me and then jump to 2019 to save the world?"

"Yeah. Wait, how did you know that?"

"Because I'm him and that is exactly what I would do if I were trying to kill me!" the boy said shortly.

"Okay, all I know is that we've got one Five too many and you're the one acting like a maniac. I don't know how you're so put together, Dolores, but—"

"Maniac?" Five interrupted him furiously. "Luther, you have seen nothing! If you want maniac, I will show you maniac!"

"Okay, as your spotter, I think the best thing I can do for you right now is put you out of your misery," Luther concluded.

Dolores' eyes snapped to the man. "Try it and see what happens."

"Okay, Luther, listen." Five grabbed his brother by the arms to stand in front of him. "I know your feeble mind only responds to age and authority, so listen very closely." He leaned towards the man. "Yet again, you are experiencing daddy issues. This time with your own brother which, honestly, is making me a bit crazy. But remember this: I'm fourteen days older than him. I have seniority here." The boy raised his hands and jabbed his thumbs towards his chest. "So it is me you should be listening to, Luther." He raised his voice to shout: "I'm the daddy here!"

"And we have a winner!" the brunette muttered under her breath before she reached for the boy and grasped him firmly by shoulders. "Five, please. You need to calm down."

Her husband turned away from the man to give her a look that was entirely too smug. "What, I thought you liked it when I play daddy."

The girl's eyes widened at his outburst and she buried her face in her hands. "Oh god, why?" she complained in the same tone he'd used only nights before.

Luther also felt her embarrassment (though for a different reason) and gave an awkward chuckle as people passing by gave them odd looks. "How's it going?" he asked a nearby couple. He turned back to his brother. "Five, please. You're being unseemly."

Five quickly returned to full-throttle Paradox Psychosis, though the momentary lapse had seemed to help. "I admit, there is a possibility that I may not be in my fully. . . right mind right now."

"At least we're not at stage one anymore," Dolores mumbled.

"But whatever I've got, he's got too!" The boy pointed to his counterpart before he took the girl by the hand to pull her along.

A/n: I hope you weren't too disappointed by how this chapter turned out since Dolores was experiencing Paradox Psychosis differently than the first time. The reason I decided to change her "symptoms" was because it is entirely possible that meeting yourself twice has different side effects than only once, so I went that route. In case it wasn't obvious, I added two new ones: unbridled joy (which was mentioned) and doppelganger synching (which is each version mirroring the movements/words of the other.)