"You know how guilty I feel doing something like this while Malyssa is where she is." I admit to Denver after he'd ravished my mouth against one of the guest bedroom doors. "I can't even sleep in our bedroom without her. Let alone do this without her. It hurts too much." Not to mention my carefully calculated control has flown right out the window.

This pain though, it reminds me of a very specific brand of pain. One like when she'd left me all alone on our bedroom floor in abandonment. It's as if someone cut a limb from my body or ripped out an organ I needed to function properly.

Knowing she's having God knows what done to her makes my stomach roll. It also makes me pissed at her for not telling me or Denver before going off on her own once again. It's typical Malyssa fashion to think she can do everything on her own, like she doesn't need anyone. I will not be okay until I know that she's okay.

"We're leaving in a little more than two hours and we know what happened last time; a slaughter. I will not be marching to what could potentially be my death without having a proper orgasm prior. So get your fine ass over here." The last bit a throaty lustful command and how I wish I could comply.

"You have a hand." I wave towards it. "Have all the orgasms you want." His eyes narrow in disbelief. I feign to not notice. "I should probably go make sure we're good and packed. That we already have everything we—"

"We spent the entire fucking day doing that and the days before that as well. It's all we've been doing, Lucas," the words a deep growl.

Lucas. Not Luke. I know exactly where this is going.

"Listen, we've gone over everything." He continues, "multiple times. Over and over again. You have micromanaged the absolute fuck out of every possible detail. Your control-freak nature outside of the bedroom has dominated our lives to the point of having no time to ourselves. No time to be with each other."

I have to swallow the uncomfortable lump in my throat at his blunt honesty before stating, "I know I can be a lot sometimes, Den. Just like I know the not having sex bit has been a point of contention between us over the last little bit but—"

"But nothing!" He throws his hands up in frustration. "You have needs and I have needs. We both have needs. You need to control every fucking thing outside of the bedroom and that's fine. I understand but I need this type of connection right now."

A physical connection. With me.

When he goes to reach for what I know he's going to reach for, the collar around my neck, I quickly snatch his hand while simultaneously moving out of his reach. Confusion automatically etches into his handsome features.

"You would pull away... from me?" He tears his hand out of my grip before looking me up and down incredulously. "You... are you serious right now?" His tone full of shock and disbelief, but most of all— hurt.

"I cannot give you what you want at this moment. I cannot be what you want me to be right now, Den."

"What the fuck do I want you to be other than my fucking husband?" The words are shouted angrily. "Ask me when I have ever asked you to be something you're not— never. I have never pushed you to be anything other than yourself."

"You know what you want from me right now." I absently caress the metal around my neck which brings his attention to it. "I am telling you I can't be that currently. Not with my mental state the way that it is."

"Then we can just have vanilla sex. Plain old two dudes. Two dicks. Then call it a day."

"I don't think you understand. I am feeling completely out of control mentally because of our current circumstances. Therefore I need to feel completely in control physically."

I remember all those years without Malyssa and not one single time did I ever give anyone else that part of me. Not until I met Denver. Prior to that there's no way I would've relinquished that to anyone other than Malyssa.

"Also, Den, you know vanilla has never been my favorite flavor." I make a point of looking over his olive complexion, hoping he registers exactly what I was previously trying to convey.

"You're saying you've been uninterested in sex because you need to top." He quirks a brow in question and in understanding. "Is that what I am hearing you say?"

"That is exactly what you are hearing me say. I will not feel safe giving up any more control. I have already given away too much as it is. I need to have control in all matters right now." My tone authoritarian, one usually preserved exclusively for my working environment.

"Luke... I don't know if..."

I hold up a hand knowing what he's going to say already with, "I know you can't which is why I have been uninterested. It's not about you. It's about me and my specific set of needs right now."

"I guess I could... try? I mean, if that's what you really need?" His brow knits with, "but I cannot take your cock. It's huge. It took Mal forever to be able to take it back there and I have never had anything in my ass aside from fingers and tongues. You can't expect me to be able to or even really want to. No offense."

I let out a sigh of frustration because I'm fully aware of the size of my penis. Yes, great, I have a big cock. Most people would be thrilled. But then there's also sexual situations where I could actually hurt my partner with my size and girth. Sometimes all the lube in the world still won't make it pleasurable for your partner. Example; my current situation.

"So... I guess... I'm sorry." Denver shakes his head a few times after he'd uttered the apology, like he's trying to dispel a thought process but can't. He ultimately looks at me brokenly and states, "I always knew Mal was a mandatory facet of our relationship but I don't think I ever realized we wouldn't work without her."

"What!?" I nearly yell, immediately taken aback by that statement. Taking a worried step toward him I ask, "what do you mean we wouldn't work?" Anxiety courses through me at the thought of not just losing one of them but both of them. "As in if something happened to her we wouldn't make it? Are you saying I could lose you too?"

I am losing control that's for sure.

Control. Control. Control.

I need some semblance of control. Right about fucking now.

When he doesn't say anything for another solid minute my inner turmoil has me pinching the bridge of my nose in frustration with, "can you please elaborate on that?"

Preferably before I have a complete mental breakdown over being abandoned by the people I love more than anything.

"You're vers and a switch. So is Mal. You both can be both. I can't be both." He looks like he's in physical pain at whatever is going on in his mind. "I wouldn't be enough for you."

"Denver, you are more than enough for me." I close the distance between us, putting my palm on his shoulder with, "I love you. You know that."

"I understand that but I don't think there's ever been a time, throughout our entire relationship, where I have felt sexually inadequate. This situation," he gestures offhandedly, "is showing me that I may not be able to fulfill your sexual needs... or you mine without her."

We have never once had a conversation like this and I am feeling completely blindsided. I'm also starting to panic because a flashback plays in my head of not being enough. Not being what Mal wanted and leaving me. Those were some of the worst years of my life after that.

"Denver, you are not inadequate. You've never been inadequate."

"I am for you. Mal can climb on top of me and fuck my brains out and fight me for dominance, knowing full well she won't win." It's how they first established who would top. "But you can't do that to me, not like you do with Mal."

The thought has never once crossed my mind. Not in the entirety of our relationship. Because I have always had the best of both worlds.

"It's a good thing we're going to bring her home then." That doesn't assuage him. "Denver, I love you. God forbid anything happens to any of us but if something happened to Mal then we would find a way to make it work."

"Luke, I don't know if we could."

"Stand next to the bed." When he arches a brow I reiterate, "stand next to the bed right fucking now." He debates but goes anyway. "Strip." He does as asked, peeling off his night clothes piece by piece, eyeing me the entire time.

We were supposed to catch a few hours of sleep before leaving tonight. There will be no sleep now. Regardless of if we were going to do what we are about to do or not. Because there is no way in hell I am going to be able to sleep after that conversation.

I walk up to him holding his eyes in a menacing gaze with, "how could you ever suggest us not working out?" When he doesn't reply I reach forward and grab ahold of his semi-hard self. I begin pumping him slowly until I feel him fully harden. "You know very well how the thought of you ever leaving again wreaks havoc on my nervous system."

"I know it's just—"

His words cut off at the viper striking speed my hand clenches around his throat. Denver could leave bruises but so could I. I just never have on him, not in this way. My tempo picks up and Denver struggles to breathe with his heightened pleasure. I back him to the bed, the hands around his throat and dick forcing him, until I ultimately shove him onto the mattress.

"Fuck," he gasps, clasping the tender flesh of his throat, choking for air.

I strip down telling him, in a deep husky tone, "that's not all your going to be choking on." I watch his face for any hesitancy but I don't see any as I walk around to the side of the bed his head is nearly hanging off. "I'm going to fuck those words right out of your mouth." He tilts his head to the side, regarding me in an interesting manner. "Come here." I beckon him to move back with a finger.

"You're going to throat fuck me, aren't you?"

I give him nod.

"You're lucky I love you."

"Is that so?"

"Entirely."

Without another word he opens his mouth, head tilted back over the bed in a perfect angle to allow me access. I rub my cock over his pouty lips, the ones currently upside down from my direction, then tap my cock on his chin.

With a voice so deep, unfamiliar to my own ears, I tell him, "I'm going to make sure you never have the ability to say I'll be without you ever again." And with that I shove my cock into his wet and waiting mouth. He immediately gags. "No, you're going to take that cock one way or another. I think this way is more preferential for both of us." When he finally manages to hollow out his throat I'm able to rock my hips at a steady pace. I can see my cock working his throat and it's turning me on so fucking bad. That's the moment Den jerks away choking for breath. I grab his mouth, putting it back in place. "You take my cock so good," I tell him while slowly slipping myself back inside. I wrap my hand around his throat and pick up my pace, hearing only the sloppy noises of my cock entering in and out forcefully. I'm not even two-thirds of the way in his mouth but I can feel my dick working his throat through the death grip I have there. "Just when I thought you couldn't take a fucking cock." I pull it out of his mouth, allowing him a chance for breath while still rubbing myself all over his face as he gags.

"Fuck," he chokes out. "Jesus fucking Christ." He gasps a few more times.

"You're not done yet."

I prop my foot on the bed and angle his head in a different direction. One where I can watch him. I shove myself inside of him and watch as his eyes nearly pop out of his skull. The gag he lets out is nearly enough to make me come on the spot. The grunts coming out of my mouth are like grunts I've never made. That helpless look in Denver's eyes as I take him relentlessly has me building and building and...

"Ahh.... Uhh..." My mouth drops open as I begin spurting forcefully into his throat. Denver immediately gags, pulls away, but keeps his mouth open as my hand takes over, finishing the rest of my orgasm on his face and in his mouth.

All over that dirty fucking mouth.

When I come down I stumble backward, trying to catch my footing from the angle I'd been on the bed to my now flat feet. I'm panting for dear life, folded in half with my hands on my thighs.

"What the fu—" He lets out a few ragged breaths which has my head snapping up in his direction.

Denver has his head tilted back over the bed still. His eyes are shut, body completely still. His hand is threaded through his hair. His face, mainly his mouth, covered in my cum.

"What the fuuuuuck." The sound of a groaning moan of sorts has me standing. "What the fuck was thaaaaat..." The last bit another groan of a moan as he lies there in contemplation and apparently completion.

Oh...

Denver's other hand is loosely wrapped around his cock. That gorgeous, tattooed-covered body is also covered in a fuckton of his own cum. I can't believe he came to that. When he had I don't even know. I was too focused on those helpless hazel eyes.

"What the fuck just happened?" He meets my gaze looking entirely sated, albeit a tad confused.  I just give him an arrogant smile, one he would usually aim at me before heading off to the bathroom. "Hey," he coughs, "where the fuck are you going?" Another round of coughing.

"No where." I wet a cloth with warm water before heading back into the bedroom. "Come here," I say as I climb on the bed. He lifts up and props himself on his arms. I reach out to wipe his face clean and then do much the same to his abdomen until he's good as new. Then I chuck the rag on the floor.

"Look at you providing the aftercare and everything." My lips graze his pectoral causing him to let out a contented hum as he scoots down the bed to lie flat on his back. "I guess I was wrong."

"Hmm?" Is all I can manage. Feeling sleepy, I do the same as him, sinking into the mattress with a sigh.

"There are some things I thought I'd never be willing to do that I actually thoroughly enjoy."

I chuckle, "welcome to the club."

He doesn't say anything else before rolling into me and wrapping a large arm around my body. I roll my head towards his so they're touching before we both drift off to sleep.

✩✩✩

Bzzzt. Bzzzt. Bzzzt. Bzzzt.

A yawn escapes my mouth as I blink open my eyes with a stretch. The annoying sound of the alarm continues to buzz in my ear causing me to partially get up, putting my weight on one elbow. Denver's covers his face with his arm in a sleepy groan.

"Can you turn that fucking thing off?" Denver let's out a cough and another groan of, "my throat is killing me. I think you gave me another Adam's apple for fuck's sake."

Now that has me chuckling down to him with, "come on, sleepy head. We've got a lot to take care of."

He takes his arm off his face, looking at me with a quirked brow. "A lot to take care of? You mean kicking ass and taking names?"

"Yes that's exactly what I mean."

The alarm goes off again and just as I reach to shut it off the bedroom door bursts open. In storms Brooks looking terrified and then utterly embarrassed. That's when I remember Denver and I are on top of the comforter, sideways and buck naked. Brooks and I both just stare at each other, frozen in awkwardness.

"Jesus Christ, Brooks, take a picture will you," Denver says as he places a pillow over each of our  laps. "Want to tell us why the hell you're barging into our bedroom?"

"It's Torey."

That has us both sitting up immediately.

"What about Torey?" Denver growls out.

"He's gone."

Denver hops off the bed as naked as the day he was born asking, "what do you mean he's gone?" He doesn't look in Brooks' direction, heading to the dresser where he starts to change.

"I went to look for him. You know, to talk about things and clear the air before everything." He pauses looking worried, terrified even. Almost like he doesn't want to continue the rest of the story.

"Please continue," I demand. Before I have an aneurysm. When he doesn't I take it as my own cue to not care if Brooks sees me naked or not and hop of the bed. I meet a pensive Denver at the dresser who hands me my clothes, having already pulled them out for me.

"He... well..."

"Out with it," Denver barks out, on the brink of madness, from the sound of it.

"I got a call from Evelyn."

My blood runs cold as my eyes fly to Brooks.

"Tell me he didn't," I plead. "Please tell me he didn't." My thoughts immediately flying to a younger version of Torey's mother and an agonizing, "please," leaves my mouth.

Don't do this to me again...

"He's become part of the assassin's guild. He's joined The Harvey Watch."

And just when I thought my world couldn't implode further; it does.

Exponentially. Catastrophically.

Because now not only have I lost my grandson and wife, now I've lost my son. All from places irretrievable. All from places out of my control. Never in my life as Lucas Warner the Third have I ever felt so... incapable, powerless, weak.

  If we make it through this I will make sure I never feel this way ever again.

A/N:
Happy hump day!!!

Hope you all enjoyed the smut in this chapter. It's been a while since I've written any. Feels good to know that's still a thing I can do.

Prepare for more soon.

Also... thoughts?