“Broken people don't hide from their monsters. Broken people let themselves be eaten.”
― Francesca Zappia,Eliza and Her Monsters

Victor Manor, 1995.

Marienne’s POV:

It was cold.

So cold, so dark, so scary. I was freezing.

My body shivered as I wrapped my arms around myself to keep myself warm. I was afraid to move, I was afraid to breathe. I afraid that if I breathed even a little harsher- he would come.

Shallow breaths escaped me as I shook from the pain of cold and the dread of darkness. I kept my eyes downcast, looking intently at my bruised toes.

I didn’t want to hear those voices anymore, I was afraid if I looked up- those monsters would come out from my head and show themselves.

I didn’t want to see them, they already sounded ugly in my head.

They always spoke in my head. I started hearing them a couple of months ago when dad left me here as a prisoner. They have always stayed with me ever since.

They talked to me, mocked me, commanded me and made me do things I shouldn’t do.

The bruise on my toe began to burn more as the freezing cold got more acute.

Marienne….

My heart jumped in my throat as that dreadful voice echoed into the deep abyss of my head. I shut my eyes, my body beginning to ache from hunger, fear.

I want food.

I miss tante’s cooking.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as the imagery of the delicious looking food flashed in front my eyes. My stomach grumbled as I tried to ignore the pain.

It had been hours since he locked me up here.

Pricking fear bit me as I began to hear murmurs deep within me- it was scary, I felt like my head would burst at any moment and blood would splatter around…..

Like mamman’s did….

A sob escaped me as I was reminded of the painful memory. It has been a year since mamman left me but I still have nightmares of her lifeless body.

I would often dream about my mamman laying down the staircase- but her eyes weren’t dead. It was like she had been watching me with her eyes open, even after death.

I was covered in her blood as I tried to run away from her dead body but somehow I was stuck to the place.

I would cry, beg her to let me go- but she never stopped haunting me. The sight of her dead body was something more painful than those cigarette burn father would give me.

It was almost like I was living far away from this world. A world where only I and the voices existed. I was here, attending schools, playing video games, getting reprimanded by father- but at the same time I wasn’t here.

I think so silly.

My body trembled violently as I felt fear creeping up inside me. I felt something surfacing, something electrifying, something violent….. something that I had no word for…..

I began to breathe harshly as I tried to stop my tears. It was so painful…. the pain in my mind was more painful than the pain flowing in my body.

I am scared.

Voices began to whisper in my ears, making me cower in fear. I curled up tightly, begging myself to stop doing whatever it was doing.

“Please stop….” I whispered, my voice sounded frail in my ears, “Please…. please…please…”

“Marienne…..” Someone called out.

It was her voice. The voice that should not have been be here.

I wailed as my hands clawed into my bare thigh. I knew it wasn’t real. Maybe if I didn’t answer….

“Son…. look up….”

“Go away!” I screamed with everything I could muster up within me, “You are not real, go away!”

I felt a cold hand on my head and I froze.

The sound of my heart was too loud in my ears as I felt my organs freeze for terror.

No this couldn’t be.

She couldn’t be here.

Her voice sounded very real, as pretty as I remember it to be. Her touch was cold- I remembered it to be warm for all those nights she held me as she cried.

I felt my control slip away, as if someone was controlling me. I felt my head lift and organs give away. Numbly, I looked up and opened my eyes ever so slowly.

My eyes met hers- our identical pair of eyes.

“Mamman?”

“I am sorry….” Through the small ray of light that was coming from the window, I could see the trail of shinning tears on her cheeks.

She was near, she looked so…. alive.

Yet her voice was so far, as if she was speaking from a well.

“I am sorry….” She cried, “I shouldn’t have left you… I am sorry…”

“Mamman….” I whispered, widening my eyes.

She was alive!

But why did she look so…. blurry….

“Mamman are you going to stay?” I questioned, fearing the answer.

“I am sorry….”

“Why are you apologizing, mamman?” I questioned, confused but feeling relieved at the same time, “Mamman, now you are here, he won’t touch me! Can you please unlock that door?”

She only stared at me as she cried, the blue in her eyes shining mystically in the dark.

“Mamman please open the door…” I pleaded, “Please. I am hurting….”

She could take me away from here!

I frowned as I saw her pained expression. Why was she not doing anything? Maybe she didn’t believe me?

“Mamman look!” I motioned at my toes where father had left a row of cigar burns this evening, wiping away my tears, “He did this!”

Her eyes widened as she took in the burns. She touched the tender skin, making me shiver.

Her eyes narrowed as she pressed her cold hand over the wound. It was soothing…. her hand was really cold and it helped with the burning.

“He will not live in peace…” She whispered as tears fell down her eyes, falling on my bruised skin, “He hurt my child.”

She looked angry.

“Mamman?” I whispered, sniffling, “Please let me out…. please…”

She looked like an illusion, but was real at the same time. Her dark hair fell over her waist, her pale skin shone bright in the darkness, she wore the same dress as that day.

I felt weak, too weak to even think about whether she was real or not. The only thing that mattered was she was here with me and she was going to keep me away from him.

I was happy, but I was sad at the same time.

What if it wasn’t her?

What if it was another trick my mind was playing with me?

I took in her, she looked like a blur. It could be because I was really tired and I wanted to fall asleep without nightmares haunting me.

Or maybe she wasn’t really here.

My eyes darted to the closed wooden door. It seemed like a destination, a journey.

I looked at her again… the sight of her made me happy. Mamman acted crazy at times but she was a good person. She would always hold me as I slept and she would teach me how to calm some of the urges I had at times.

But tante said dead could not come back.

“Mamman…” I whispered, “Are you really here?”

My heart broke at the sight of her, I wanted to hug her and request her to take me away. Father never tortured me when she was around. Maybe if she came back he would leave me alone.

She just cried, looking at me.

My heart beat wildly in my chest as I whispered, “No?”

My lower lip trembled as I felt something tight inside my chest. She wasn’t coming back?

So she wasn’t real?

“Mamma….” I burst into a wail as I realized that she was never coming back. That it was something made by my mind.

That I could not hold her again and sleep into her arms as she sung me a lullaby.

“I miss you mamman…” I cried harder, “Please take me away from here! I want to go with you!”

“You still have a whole life left…” She whispered, “You have so much to do….”

She placed a hand on my cheek as she brushed my hair and wiped my tears, her touch only made me cry harder.

“Grow up into a handsome man…. Learn to be the better version of yourself…”

“I hear things that I shouldn’t…” I cried, “It tells me to do the same as you….”

“Don’t listen to them okay?” She whispered, “You are so precious Marienne… you are my sweet little boy….”

I scooted closer to her and wrapped my arms around her, feeling my body giving away.

“Don’t leave me please….” I wailed, “Please. He will kill me.”

“He won’t….” I felt her hand caressing the back of my head, making me relax somehow, “He has to suffer. He has to.”

“He calls me a monster….” I cried, “He says I should suffer because I am a monster… He says I shouldn’t live…”

I felt dizzy. From hunger, from tiredness, from crying, from cold. I knew I was going to pass out any second.

Even if it wasn’t real, even if she was something made up by my mind, I just wanted to hold her. I didn’t know when would I be able to see her again, I didn’t know if she will ever reappear.

I just wanted to hold her.

“It is him who is the true monster, my baby…” I felt something wet on my neck, “He has to pay. He must pay for his sins.”

“Please don’t leave me…” I whispered, feeling myself slip away, slowly. Still, I tried to hold onto her as tightly as I could, not wanting her to go away. My arms were becoming weaker by passing moments but I fought the darkness.

“Let me go son…” Her voice was fading away, “I must go. I cannot be here.”

“Don’t…. leave me….” I mumbled, holding onto her white dress, “Please mom…”

Maybe it was the play of my mind, maybe it was real- I didn’t know. I just wanted her to stay.

She was the one who understood me the most and I wasn’t ready to let her go yet.

“You have to live… not survive…” I felt her soft caress as I felt the darkness on the verge.

Everything was so silent, except for my breathing, so cold, so dark- yet the pain I was feeling just a while ago, was not there.

The pain in my toes were gone.

With that… I felt a cold shiver run down me as the loud sound of the bolt unlocking echoed through the room before I lost my remaining consciousness.

I never dreamt of my mamman committing suicide ever again after that night.

Marienne is six in this POV.