This is Marienne's psychotherapy session.

"Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness."

— Allen Ginsberg

Marriene's POV:

"It will be fine...." I whispered to the raven haired beauty sitting beside me. She seemed nervous, with her cold fingers that trembled slightly under my palm and her pale face that was as white as a sheet of paper- it was a dead giveaway.

I smiled at her, in an attempt to ease her, ignoring my own palpitating heart which's ring of nervousness echoed loudly into the labyrinth of my ears. "Go." I whispered softly, firmly- leaving no room for any doubts she might had.

She let out a shaky breath, her lower lip trembling like a dry leaf in winter- nodding slightly. She stood up, for a moment I felt like my heart stopped as she stumbled on her feet.

I was about to get up and hold her- so that I could get her inside safely, but before I could do that, she composed herself and carried herself to the wooden door that was not far from our seats.

I gazed at her as she hesitated for a moment and then pushed the door open, letting herself in.

A feeling of something unfamiliar- yet, so familiar washed over me as I eyed the now closed door with disappointment.

What was I waiting for?

A 'Thank you'?

A 'Don't worry'?

Why would she utter those words to me? The person who is responsible for her problems?

For a moment, I eyed the door blankly. I felt like questioning my sanity for a moment as I contemplated joining her- then again there was never any doubt about my sanity.

I was insane, from beforehand.

I stretched my stiff limbs, letting out a yawn. I felt my joints losing it's jitters as I felt my body relax. For a moment, contemplated on whether to lie down on the empty row of metal seats as a sudden surge of tiredness washed over me.

Dear lord, I haven't had a good sleep in a while.

If I said the last night was hectic, it would be an understatement. Last night was the night when I finally had an eye opening after all these months. It made me realize how much of a coward had I been and how much my personality needed a work.

After her little breakdown, it dawned upon me that I was so used to have what I wanted- it made me forget that how it feels like to achieve something through hard work.

I was expecting a shower of diamond from a coal mine- I forgot that coals needed time to turn into diamonds.

I craned my neck side by side- trying to overcome the lack of sleep. If you ask me why didn't I take a coffee, that is because I was too indulged in something this morning.

Last night, after Rose drifted off to sleep, I carried myself to the sofa and laid down there, watching for any disturbance she might display in her sleep. The more I watched her under the dim light of the lamp, the more I became fascinated with her.

Her small face, a set of small lips that had a prominent cupid's bow, a roman nose that was always held up whenever she showed defiance and turned as red as a blood orchid whenever she cried- her long lashes that fanned her cheekbones as she slept soundly, a suitable forehead that displayed a pimple- her luscious locks of jet black hair that was spread as she slept straightly, facing the ceiling.

Everything brought the memory of that fateful night.

I might not remember most of it, but I do remember some and it torments me every single day.

She was beautiful.

The kind of beauty for one was sure to be captivated by her as he watched her.

I, myself, was no exception. Regardless to say, I hadn't had much sleep. Principle of my time was spent gawking at her and I am not ashamed to admit it that I was indeed checking her out.

I couldn't keep the image of her writhing underneath me from my head. She moaned from pleasure, she kissed me as if it was our last day on earth, she begged for more like she needed it.

Not only her physical appearance, the beauty of her soul was something of noble words as well. If one asked me, I would say her soul is the most beautiful part of her.

A shock of pain shot through me as I was reminded of my monstrosity towards her.

Even if she, at one point of her life, forgave me- I wouldn't be able to forgive myself, ever. This is something I deserve- to carry the guilt and shame to my grave.

I didn't deserve it.

A lifetime wouldn't be enough for atonement when it came to this goddess.

I dragged her into my mess of a life and I vowed to myself this morning that I would do whatever it took to make her happy.

My sinful soul and my tainted heart felt at ease when I watched her smile- it was as bright as a day of summer, as lucid as a child. I vowed that it would be the only thing I would live for. Her and my child's smile.

I could imagine my son having a mixture of her and my features. I thoroughly wished that he got Rose's behavior and her soul.

I wish that he wouldn't be cursed with my conditions.

Guilt wasn't a happy feeling. Especially, knowing that you have persecuted a person who is innocent.

I owed to Madeline, whom, I have tortured mentally through and through. I owed to Ardent, whom have killed. I owed to Rose whom I have tormented the worst of ways.

I didn't know what I could do to atone my sins, the only option now felt like was to make Rose happy.

A heavy sigh escaped me as I leaned back on the seat, the metal wedging in my back muscles but I ignored it.

Everything felt like a cruel game, like someone had purposefully pertained our ways and made us meet in the worst way possible. If only we hadn't met like this, if only the circumstances were different.

There were a lot of things I regretted. I regretted being with Madeline now. Why? Because now, when she was no more, bless her departed soul, I understood what impact she had over me and what impact I had on her.

I was responsible for keeping her manacled, I was insecure and paranoid- I dictated her life, something which I would gladly change if could turn back the time.

But time is like a stream of river, the water never flows back when it comes to time- it only flows forward, dodging obstacles, molding and purifying it's being through the hindrance of stones and finally meeting the sea.

A crippling pain turmoiled inside me as I realized I could do nothing, I was left vulnerable to the strings of fate. I was a mere puppet.

I heard a door swinging open as I heard an exaggerated click of heels. I wasn't the least bit of interested to see who it was.

"Goodbye doctor...." A fake, overly sweet voice called out, "I will see you soon...."

The voice made me feel like I was back to high school again, where the girls did this high pitched voice thing to get attention from boys. Who speaks like that?

And to think I was once attracted to this.....

A shiver of dread ran down my body.

"Marienne!" I heard a familiar voice call out. I tilted my head to the right where the voice came from and found doctor Audibert greeting me with a smile. Beside him, a girl- woman, who was dressed in a neon pink top and shorts so short that any shorter and it would become an underwear, fishnet stockings and a pair of boots, standing as she was gawking at me.

A feeling of discomfort washed over me as I sat up straight, nodding at my doctor.

"I am done with this patient..." He motioned to the woman who was still gawking at me as if I was a piece of candy as her eyes were widened, "You can come in!"

Breaking my reverie, I stood up with my heart in my throat. I walked over to the doctor who was standing there, ignoring eye contact with the woman.

"Done with her?" I questioned as I neared them, "I thought it would take a while?"

"It was supposed to..." He cleared his throat as he took a disapproving glance at the woman who was biting her silicon lips as she eyed me with lust from head to toe.

What is wrong with her?

"It didn't, you can go in...." He moved from the door as he motioned me to go inside.

"Wait!" I felt a hand grip my bicep tightly as I halted.

For a moment, everything seemed frozen as I felt cold shock and anger run through me. Doctor Audibert, too, seemed too shocked to utter any word.

Her grip was frail, but her nails were digging into my cotton shirt. Slowly, I looked at her- anger swirling inside me.

How dare she?

"Uh..." Her eyes widened, clearly taken aback at my murderous reaction, but she quickly composed herself, taking off her hand and giving me a sultry smile, "May I have your number?" She almost moaned out- making me feel disgusted.

Dr. Audibert had composed himself by then, his eyes were widened as he rushed out, "Marienne! Feel free to go inside! Don't mind her!"

I eyed her vehemently once more as I rubbed the place where she had touched me and let myself into the vast chamber.

"Why did you send him away?!" I heard her shriek, "I want him!"

"Shut up Cindy!" I heard doctor Audibert exclaim with horror, "Do you want to die?"

"No! Have you seen him?!" Her voice was disgustingly dreamy as she went on, "He is like the hottest piece or arse I have ever come across! My life would be fulfilled if I get to shag him!"

I heard Audibert sigh loudly as I walked over to the seats and pulled out a chair, huffing as I sat myself.

My curiosity picked up as I eavesdropped, wanting to know how my doctor described me.

"Why are you treating him like he is the president of something?" She whined.

"He is a Victor," My doctor exclaimed.

"Don't say... He is so hot! I thought billionaires were old and bald?" I heard her gasp.

"Cindy!" Doctor Audibert scolded, "Please visit me later, your hour is over. I need to attend him or else he would start throwing a tantrum."

I scoffed.

Why did women think psychopathic tendencies were a turn on? Why didn't they realize that it is harmful to fantasize being with someone like me?

I am a messed up person and anyone who is like me would say the same. No one would want others to suffer for their curse. I have come across so many women who thinks that it were all games and fun- they acted as if their sexual fetishes can be fulfilled if they got together with someone violent.

But in reality, people should stay away from people like me. We suffered too, mostly from the consequences of our actions and psychopathic conditions were not a subject to perversion.

I heard doctor Audibert sigh for the umpteenth time as he let himself into the chamber, closing the door behind him.

"I am sorry for her Marienne." He apologized as he walked over to his chair and took a seat.

I rolled my eyes, "Tell me why was she behaving like this."

"...I can't share it." He sighed rummaging through his files and clearing his desk as he assembled them quickly.

"She seemed like someone who is sexually active...." I smirked, leaning in as I noticed the doctor freeze, "Did she try to seduce you?"

He opened and closed his mouth like a fish.

God it was fun to irk him.

"And you didn't give in?" I smirked slowly, knowing that it was sure to unravel him.

He gave me a look through his wrinkled eyes, I couldn't help but notice how shiny his bald head looked under the daylight. "Are you kidding me?"

"I mean-"

"Stop-" He narrowed his eyes, "I have a wife and a daughter who is attending university."

Suddenly, I couldn't help but feel light hearted. I let out a soft chuckle.

How lucky of him.

He had a proper family, as far as I knew, him and his wife were married for almost 20 years. I was happy for him.

But at the same time, I couldn't help the pang of jealousy that crept inside me. As a person who had never experienced what a true family was- maybe I was allowed to feel sad.

My wounds had dried long time ago, all I had was scars of my battle- a battle I was yet to win. Those scars reminded me again and again why I should fight for a family- why I should fight for Roseline, why I should get up from a fall.

"Marienne?" The doctor's calm voice snapped me out of my reverie, my gaze fixating over him immediately.

"I was thinking."

"You pay me to hear your thoughts.." He leaned back in his chair with a melancholic smile, "Care to share?"

"I was thinking about having a family...." I sighed, feeling a numbness creeping inside my already tattered soul, "A proper family."

"Did I remind you of yours? I am sorry."

I smiled, humored by the cruel joke of the destiny, "You can't reminisce the nonexistent."

"You can't reminisce....." He added, "But you can dream and fulfill that dream."

Lies.

"How do I fulfill it doctor?" I queried in an accusing tone, "When my only chance of ever getting a family is with a woman whom I owe everything."

He sighed, "Marienne, I asked you to evaluate yourself, but not like this. This is not the right way."

My heart felt shattered as I felt the undulation of pain surging through me, breathing into my ears- chanting like a fine enchantress.

You can never get past this.

"How could I get past the trauma then?" My voice broke as I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to act unbothered but I was pretty sure that my glistening eyes were a dead giveaway to the turmoil that purled inside me, "How could I get past this horrible-"

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, feeling so many emotions taking over me, all at once.

"This ugly feeling of abusing someone? Tell me how? Tell me how do I get past the murder? Tell me how do I repent to a woman who is already dead?"

I was burning inside.

My mind that was an inferno for the devils to reside, seemed to burn hotter than a supernova. I was furious, I was hurt, I was devastated, I was brutally agonized, I was... helpless.

Even if he gave me a ridiculous solution, I would consider it, I would consider anything that would free me from this ghastly feeling of guilt.

"Tell me how do I make things right?" I whispered, overcome by the grief that danced like small burning flames, "I would do anything..... absolutely anything."

"Marienne...." The doctor called out calmly.

I gulped as I felt my throat getting drier as moments passed.

"Firstly, I am glad that you are seeking redemption..." A soft look took over features as he rested his chin on his hand that was on the table, "Do you know how rare it is for a paranoid and a schizophrenic to recognize their mistakes?"

I blinked.

"Very rare, Marienne. And please don't think that I am saying these for making you feel good. I am not, I have been a psychologist and a psychiatrist for almost 27 years, my experience is almost as old as you; you can take that from me."

"So, you are saying that people like me....." I ran my tongue around my mouth, in order to wet it, my lungs burning, "The people who are mentally ill, they don't feel guilt?"

"They do..." His voice sounded definite as he spoke, "They absolutely do, but, most of them are always in a contrast of their evil side and their normal side. At a point, people who gets tired of fighting, give into their darkest side- only to be thrown at some mental asylum to rot for the rest of their cursed life. People treat them as if they aren't human. They die like that."

I sighed, "Get to the point."

"What I am trying to say is, Marienne." He dropped his voice an octave, "That life, it is for those who gave up. That is for people who couldn't bear it. Marienne, I have known you for enough time to say that you are strong enough to bear it."

"What if I beg to differ?" I smiled bitterly.

"I won't let you," His voice was firm as he stated that, "You are a young, brave man- who pulled through all the shits his 'family' gave him. I know that if you try, you can redeem yourself."

I held my breath, narrowing my eyes at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Now listen...." He pursed his lips, "I can't tell you how you can redeem yourself- it is up to you. It is you who decide the redemption part, it depends on what your definition of redemption is. If I say now that "Go and say you are sorry" and everything will be okay; would you pay heed to me?"

I shook my head, his point becoming clearer as my mind began to unlock the puzzles, cutting through the web of brume it was surrounded by.

"Exactly. It depends on you, you decide what is your definition of redemption. Even though I cannot tell what you see as a redemption, I can definitely say that this is not the way. You are being way too hard on yourself-"

Liquid anger rushed through my veins as I clenched my fists, pinning down the doctor with a glare, "Way to hard?! I abused an innocent doctor! I killed a man and I mentally abused my fiancée. To the point where she had to fly into the arms of another man- this is how you describe it?! Anyone would loathe himself after doing what I-"

"No." He cut me off, eyeing me, "I think I have something for you. Do you wish to know what a 'sane' mind is like?"

He diverted his attention to the pile of files and searched for a while, looking for something. He pulled out a green file and threw it at me.

I caught it with ease as I eyed it curiously. "What is it?"

"Read," That is all I got I reply.

Sighing, I opened the file.

"This patient's statements are copied line by line. Read."

I began to ran my eyes through it.

Age 24.

PTSD.

Like Rose.

January 17th, 2020.

Visit record.

Narration: "I was kidnapped at 14 by my father's best friend. He was a pedophile and had an obsession with me. He kept me captured for two years.

Shock gripped me as I clutched the file tighter, my hands shaking as I was reminded of the time when I kept Rose captive.

Disgusting.

How could I allow that to happen?

Hurt filled me as I kept on reading.

He molested me, in the most inhuman ways possible. A year later, I conceived a baby and I was forced to abort it. When police found me at 17, I was devastated.

So it was a female.

This girl must have suffered through hell.....

I felt pity, I felt compassionate towards this woman whom I didn't even know- at the same time, I could feel an image of a battered Rose peeking at me through those inked words.

I developed a suicidal tendency and was diagnosed with PTSD. (Ref. file: Dr. Johanson #YX1238646) Later I met a man with whom I fell in love. He left me after knowing about my conditions, making me devastated and making me develop my old fears."

"I-I don't know-" My throat clogged up as a picture of Rose flashed in front of my eyes.

"Did you read it?" The doctor questioned, extending his hand to take the file. I handed it over to him.

I nodded, feeling devoid of any energy. I felt helpless, completely and utterly helpless.

"I didn't provide it so that you can wallow in self-pity," He exclaimed, "I was asking you to take a look because if I am not wrong, this story comes close to your story with Ms. Winslet. I wanted you to have a look because the kidnapper here, is perfectly sane. He didn't even do drugs. He did it in cold blood and killed his child in cold blood. He doesn't even regret it. You despite being insane, regret it, that is where the difference lies. You regret it."

I let out a shaky breath, feeling claustrophobic all on a sudden. It felt like someone had put me inside a small box and was squeezing it until it got smaller.

I tugged at the buttons of my shirt, trying to breathe.

"Take some water..." The doctor offered me a glass of water which I received gladly finishing it in one go, grateful for the cold liquid as it slimmed down my nausea to a buzzing headache.

"Feel better?"

I nodded.

"You have some really deadly mental diseases. A study shows that schizophrenic white, unmarried males with higher IQ, especially the ones who had been an achiever in his teens- are more likely to commit suicide, did you know that?"

I shook my head, taken aback with the information.

But committing suicide was my choice.... no voice ever dictated me to-

"And they don't even realize that this is for their condition. Your guilt and your paranoia gives you all the perfect reason to commit suicide. Your mind is vulnerable at the moment, god forbid, what if you develop something else? You need to get rid of this, ASAP."

I let out a breath.

If I die, maybe it would be for the betterment of everyone.

I smiled.

My only regrets would be that I couldn't make everyone happy and....

I couldn't see my child.

"You have a child on your way, Marienne.." His gaze hardened, "Do you wish for him to end up like you? Do you remember how devastated you were to see your parents died by suicide?"

Suddenly, a heavy realization dawned upon me.

It was true that despised this curse of a life, but it was also true that another life was bounded to mine.

And I could not let him suffer like I did. I wanted him to have a true family, one that I couldn't have.

Just like that, I became restless for a solution, again.

"My point is-" My doctor started, "If you wish to make things right, you need to start blaming it on your condition. It might sound funny, but as a man who is mentally unstable, you need to start believing that there is a hidden demon inside you who is provoking you to do things. If you don't believe this condition will become a part of you- to the point where you would not be able to unroot it."

I nodded.

"You need to start taking the blame of your deed which you committed in your sane mind and you need to start blaming your mental health when it's your mental health's responsibility. Otherwise, this condition will kill you."

"I don't-"

Each word stung.

Like a crippling pain in my heart, each word had an impact over me.

I felt like a defeated warrior, someone who had killed the innocent.

Now that I was stable, I felt like throwing up. If I could only turn back the time...

"Try to take deep breaths...."

I closed my eyes and did as he instructed.

Breathe in and out.....

A wave of calmness washed over me as I did this for a couple of more times, my eyes glistening with unshed tears, my body experiencing a vertigo.

"The thing is- you need to let go of your self-hatred," He scribbled something down on my file, his copy, "If you want to seek redemption, I think the best way to do it is by stop thinking about suicide. You are better than that, you have come a long way and I believe you won't have to go far for peace."

I nodded.

"Now Marienne" He closed the file as he kept it on the desk, diverting his attention to me, "Ask yourself, what is redemption for you? Is it a heartfelt sorry? Or donating an organ to the person? People seek redemption for their inner peace. What would give you that peace? Ask yourself and then answer me."

I took a deep breath

What gave me inner peace?

An image of Rose's smiling face flashed into my mind as a sigh escaped me.

Because I was feeling guilty?

Suddenly, I started imagining a family, even though it was blurry image, it was still there. A happy family with Rose and my child in it. We had no demons chasing us, no ties to the hell. We were just happy, we were smiling and we were free of every single worries.

In that imaginary image, I could see Rose smiling at me, with me, at our child as her eyes shone with mirth and unadulterated joy. I saw no fear in those eyes, she didn't fear me anymore.

I didn't feel guilty as I looked at her. All there existed was the beauty of happiness. We were free. We didn't have our nightmares. We were bounded by-

I gulped, my eyes snapping open as the last word got stuck in my throat.

I found the doctor smiling at me softly as he assessed me, "You so like her."

"Uh I-"

"Your secret is safe with me," He made a zip lock motion by his fingers as he grinned for ear to ear.

I was dumbfounded.

So, my idea of redemption was finding happiness?

With Rose?

My mental image had Rose in it, so, I had to make it up to Rose in order to take a step to the family

"Any ideas of how to make it up to her?" I gulped as I watched him scribbling, "I don't know what to do."

"For now, you can help her to overcome your fear, I think it will be a good way," He pointed out, "That shouldn't be a tough task right?"

Right.

She feared me more than anything else.

"I mean-"

"I have a great idea...." He pointed out jollily, "Keep a small diary and note down your ideas of how you can help her overcoming your fear. She won't be able to accept any help or apology from you if she is not in her right state of mind. You need to work on that first. After that, it is up to her what she wants as a compensation of her forgiveness. You just do your part."

I nodded, suddenly feeling overcome by happiness. It was actually a great idea.

I smiled widely, "Thanks doc."

"You pay me a lot, so no need to thank me-" He eyed me, "Give me some extra cash today if you are truly grateful."

"No seriously, it's a great idea. Jutting down things I want to do and things I want her to experience in order to overcome her fear....."

"I am glad..." He let out a sigh as he closed the file and handed it over to me, "Take this will ya? Go visit her chamber to her doctor. I am pretty sure she can give some better advices too."

I smiled, nodding as I stood up. "It isn't a couple's therapy."

"It isn't, but I feel like you need the 'talk'."

After ages, it felt like I could do it, I could help Rose and help myself.

An image of her smiling face flashed in front of my eyes again.

I had to do it, anyhow.

And fight, for both of us.

Did you like Marienne's Doctor?

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Edited.