Atavistic (adj): Relating to a person or a feeling that has happened in the past.

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

― Mae West

Rose's POV:

A shiver ran down my spine as I wrapped the warm jacket around me tightly. The harmonious thrum of rain resonated as the car ran along the solemn road. My clothes uncomfortably clung to my skin as I felt the coldness seeping into my very nervous system.

Soaking in rain was a bad idea.

So was kissing Marienne.

But he kissed me so....

And I am not going to lie to myself, I might have enjoyed it a little bit. It was purely a physical reaction.

The awkward silence that wafted in the car could be cut through knife if attempted, that combining along the gut-wrenching fact that we were alone in the car and he was my only hope in that solemn French castle-like mansion made my heart palpitate.

I sniffled, a tingly feeling of something feathery waving in my nostrils made me shudder.

Things became painfully awkward and embarrassing after pushing him aside. He didn't utter a single word as he followed me as I strode straight to the car- not looking back once, neither attempting to talk to him.

And now, I was hungry. I couldn't even let him know that.

I admit that it took two to tango, but he kissed me in the first place. Why would he do that?

He once said I didn't have to worry about Madeline, he never explained why, like yes, she cheted on him, but did he turn off his love like a switch?

If that was the case, I highly doubted his level of empathy he displayed.

Madeline, for whom he tortured an innocent girl, for whom he kept a girl captive without any logical explanation or evidence.....

"He is a psychopath....." A small voice in me hummed.

I agreed completely. I thought he was trying to become better, but him kissing me out of the blue.....

An infuriated sigh escaped me as I looked out of the window, sleep and hunger beginning to consume me slowly. That along with the cold.

It still doesn't overshadow the fact he tortured me.

The heavy shower had morphed into a constant drizzle, the pitter-patter hum along with occasional thunder strikes and wind made me wonder if it was going to cease raining at all.

What time was it anyway?

I narrowed my eyes at the TV screen which read 11:35 PM.

My skin crawled as I recalled the impromptu kiss. It was sudden, sinful, delicious- it was coming from him.

It was shocking, unraveling. It caught me off-guard, it scared me, yet, it made me feel.

It was my first proper kiss if I didn't count the body tingling kiss he gave me while he was keeping me captive.

If I didn't count all those kisses....

Bile rose up within me as my heart rate began to pick up. That man, he..... he just...

My foster father.

A numb feeling crawled inside me. It felt like there were thousands of ants... crawling inside me, feasting on my trauma.

A sound resonated in the car as I looked around helplessly with blurred vision. It took me a while to figure out that the gasp came from me.

After all these years...

His hands were disgusting.....

So was his breath, his lips...

He was disgusting.....

"Roseline!" My mind barely registered Marienne's voice as I wrapped the jacket tightly around me, my body shaking.

I hated the kiss.

I hated it so much.

It reminded me of that disgusting pedophile.

"Roseline!" Marienne was calling me out, his voice was loud enough, but still it sounded like a whisper.

Why...does it....

My medicine was wearing off...

I forgot the night dose.

Oh god.....

"Marienne." I whispered, my voice choked from all those memories.

Why did you call out to him, Rose?

He threw you to those monsters.

But he also beat them up later on.

He beat you.

Left you hungry.

But it was when he was unstable.

He was caring for me now.

I wasn't the one to believe 'he's a changed man' crap but....

Marienne really did seem like a changed man.

"Hang on!"

Faintly, ever so dimly, I heard the tires screech as the inertia made me jerk forward. A door was opened abruptly and then I felt the small splashes of rain on my exposed ankles as my door opened.

"Are you okay?!" I turned my head slowly, the cold droplets of rain hitting my face. Marienne stood there, wide eyed as he panted- one of his hands gripped the door tightly as he leaned in through the ajar door, his eyes clouded with worry.

The sound of the rain mixed along with our breathing. I ran my eyes on his face that was thoroughly unaffected by the drizzle. He drenched under the cold rain as his face contoured with pain.

"Marienne. I-" I gulped, panting, feeling that nauseating feeling all over again. It felt like thousands of dirty hands were gripping my body, stroking it filthily...

"I-" I closed my eyes, then opened them again in fear of passing out, "I forgot my meds...."

He closed his eyes, as if infuriated. The vein in his neck popped up as he eyed me angrily.

"Damn it Rose!" He growled viciously, making me flinch, "Why would you forget something so important as that!"

Acedia was considered a deadly sin, but taking in account the jumbled mess that was my mind- I would gladly commit a sin of being a lazy ignorant rather than tolerating all of these fiasco.

"Yes..." I mumbled through the haze as I felt that crawly, grotesque feeling intensifying in my belly. A numb pain shot up from my vertebrae, creeping up to my neck, "Forgetting medicines is my favorite pastime...."

"Shit!" He swore as he hastily shut the car door, the sound making me flinch.

He made his way into the car, fuming as he did so.

"Did you bring your medicines?" He inquired as he started the car.

"I did but they have to be taken in full stomach...." I whispered, panting. I was beginning to sweat.

"Merde! Why didn't you tell me you are hungry?! If you have a problem, you let me know! That is why I am here Roseline! To take care of you!"

To take care of me.

He was trying to sweep the splattered pieces of glasses he broke.

But it would be unfair for him if I blamed him and only him for my fuckedupness.

So I wouldn't do that.

He was trying wasn't he?

Negotiate but don't forgive.

Forgive but don't forget,

Despite the pain I was emerged in, my body managed to let out a humorless chuckle as I heard myself uttering- "You are the cause....."

He stiffened.

I took in deep breaths in order to calm myself. I couldn't afford to lose control now, I was with a baby.

"Please hang on..." He uttered, shame seeping from his voice, "We are almost there."

I panted as I let myself relish in the light of the city. The car was moving ungodly fast as it passed rows of buildings and residents in a blink.

The motion made me want to throw up, but I held it in. How fast was he driving anyway?

My eyes darted over to the speedometer, where I took in the numbers through my brume gaze- another wave of nausea hit me as I read 135.

"It's rai-" I whispered, stopping halfway as I felt my energy withering.

"We need to hurry...." He gritted out as he took a sharp turn, the tires screeching loudly as the slippery friction of the rain made the car lose it's path.

My heart palpated in my throat as I felt the world spinning- the horror registered within as I saw it missing the nearby lane's wall by a couple of inches.

"You'll get us into accident...." I mumbled as I felt the car rushing down the narrow lane, the wide highway left behind.

"I am the one in the front seat...." He whispered as he sped the car a little bit more, "You are safe."

He was.....

In the front seat.

If a truck came and hit us, he would be the one to get hit first.

A retch broke through me as I felt my eyes rolling back. The jacket was forgotten in a corner due to my rising temperature.

I felt the car slowing down and eventually coming to a halt. I heard a door being opened loudly.

"I am going to carry you...." He announced as he opened my car door, I felt myself being scooped up by his strong arms. Closing my eyes, I sighed as I felt my nausea trimming down.

His body was completely drenched, but his skin was warm. He tucked me in his arms as he placed a hand under my head. I felt a couple of drops of rain pouring over my forehead as I felt him carrying me inside, his scent invading my senses.

Colors danced behind my closed leads- blue, yellow, red, green, purple- all of them mingling and turning into black.

Why did the touches fade away?

Why did they remain?

I wanted to abrade myself raw until I felt purified from all these filth. I wanted to stand under the hot shower all night.

"I....." A whisper escaped me as I felt light dancing behind my lids, "I am....disgusting."

I felt his grip tighten, to the point his fingers were sinking in my bicep.

"I hate feeling like this....."

I was aware of the fact that we were probably inside the mansion, I was aware of the fact that there were servants- but strangely, I felt calm, I felt safe in my own little cocoon where I existed and he was there to listen to me.

I listened to him, so he should return the favor right?

"You don't have to feel like this...." I heard him whisper. The sound of shoes clicking along the marble floor echoed in my ears as I felt myself getting lighter to the point where I thought I could float.

My eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the showering incandescent yellowish light that bathed us. My eyes met with his neck and then it slowly travelled up to his stubbled jaw.

He was looking forward, his eyes shone with dolorous determination- his jaw clenched as he climbed the stairs swiftly.

"I want..... a bath...." I muttered tiredly, feeling my body give up. He only hoisted me in response as I felt myself wrapping my arms around his broad shoulder as a reflex. Without contemplating right or wrong, I buried my face in his neck.

He smelled like rain and.... testosterone.

I wouldn't believe if someone told me that it was possible to feel exhilarated and loathsome at the same time before this moment, but that was how I felt. His smell was oddly satisfying, but it also reminded me of that painful night- like a milk and sauce mixture, it was a pretty weird mix.

The burden of emotions made me feel to a point where I couldn't feel anything anymore, so, I just let myself feel it; without fighting it back.

I can't tell you how long it was before we reached his room, but it was long enough before he kicked his door open and went straight to the restroom.

Disgust.

He put me down in the gargantuan tub, making me sigh in relief and anticipation.

Detestation.

"Please wait..." My eyes quivered as I slowly opened them, taking him in through my blurred vision. He looked restless, distressed even while he ran along the giant room, gathering towels and other bath necessities. His eyes reflected agitation at it's finest as he strode to me with a snow white towel in his hands.

It felt like thousands of bees were stinging my skin, all at once. I wrapped my arms around myself with hopes of providing myself some comfort. It felt my skin felt raw, clawed out from several places.

My body began to quiver I looked at him helplessly, he had opened the tap and was leaning over the bath. The warm water filled the ceramic tub as I felt my muscles giving in.

"Marienne.." I whispered, this sudden urge to claw my skin out took over me as I began to rub myself, my throat clogging up.

"Rose what's happening?!" Marienne vociferated as he came closer to me, eyeing me vulnerably.

"I..." Filth. There were filth.

I felt my last shard of sanity slip away.

Dirty dirty dirty.....

My body was impure.....

My mind was fogged. All it could process was the perturbating pain that was passing though my nerves and the grim of my body.

Dirty.

Filthy.

"It will fade away, sweet Rose...."

"Rose!" From somewhere, within that chaos of nothingness, a broken voice called out. My skin was a sickening shade of red.

"I will humiliate you publicly..."

Those hands...

"It's okay.... Roseline please hang on!"

"You killed Madeline...."

"Nothing will happen to you...."

His voice.

The past and the present.

Darkness and light.

So contrasting, terrifying.

"Rose!" I felt a warm cloth being placed gently over my arm that was abraded by me as one of his rough hands grabbed my hands gently to steady me.

"I am a walking inferno..."

"Rose! Look at me please!"

His past and present forms were like Discordia and Concordia- conflicting, contradicting, polar opposites. He had been a true monster to me, but now, he was empathic.

"Open you eyes...." His voice was meek, as if he was begging me, broken, as if he was crying.

"....Please Rose..."

Despite my exhausted physical and mental state, I slowly opened my eyes. It took a while for my vision to clear itself.

A breath escaped me as I took him in.

Tears streamed down his eyes as he observed me pleadingly.

Why was he....

"You are okay..." He gently stoked the back of my head as vulnerable tears escaped him, "You are okay...."

If I had to rationalize this, it would simply be impossible. If one asked me how I viewed his change, I probably wouldn't be able to answer. I almost felt like one of those time capsules, bearing wounds from time and finding cure into that torment.

Staring at him was painfully beautiful, if that was even a feeling. He was the one who rendered those wounds and I was subconsciously trying to find a cure into him. His demonic behavior still danced in front of my eyes. It almost felt like an oneirataxia- it felt like as if past Marienne was a nightmare and the present him was a reality.

The opposite was possible as well. Maybe he hadn't changed a bit. Maybe he was the same monster from before. Maybe all of this was a good dream which I was having whilst being captive.

"You are okay Rose...." He looked down at my hands which was covered in bruises, he gently placed the towel over it and wiped the blood off.

I looked into his pitiful eyes which were a shade of grey serein.

"You are okay..." He whispered, looking into my eyes.

It felt like that Beauty and The Beast moment- where Belle recognizes the beast in his human form by his eyes. His eyes were familiar, so familiar. They were expressive and mystique.

A heavy realization dawned upon me as I stared at him, my bad memories razing into the corner of my mind.

The past him..... It was a monster.

The present him.....

It was him.

It was Marienne.

Not a monster who....

"I feel better..." I felt myself utter as his mesmerizing eyes lit up with kalonic mirth. He rubbed the towel over my skin gently, whilst still keeping his eyes on me.

"Good..." He put the towel aside gently as he looked at me, his eyes searching my face.

"I have texted Lindy to send up some foods...." He uttered as he grabbed a nearby lighter and lit up the candle that sat on the edge of the tub- the orange hue making his eyes appear dark green as he stared at the ray.

"Eat and take your medicines..." He extinguished the lighter, looking into my eyes. Part of his face was lit up by the candle, making him looking regal. I could also smell the vanilla scent it wafted, it was delicious.

A clearing of throat made us snap our head to the door where a maid stood with a tray full of foods. Marienne nodded at her, signaling her to come in.

The maid walked in nervously and pushed the tray down beside him- leaving us with a short bow. He didn't seem to be paying attention to her as he pulled the moving tray near him.

"All good foods..." He mumbled as he opened the lids one by one, the aroma of food making me drool immediately.

If it was other times, I would probably be disgusted by the idea of eating inside the bathroom, but his bathroom looked good enough to live in, so, it just felt like I was having a meal whilst having a body spa.

"Okay..." He took a plate full of food and scooped some green looking stuff with spoon, "Open your mouth."

I frowned. He was feeding me?

"Rose?" He raised an eyebrow as he waited patiently.

Who cares.

I opened my mouth as he fed me a spoonful of that mash. It had an amazingly delicious flavor- it was refreshing, sweet but also pungent.

I ate with glee as he continued to feed me spoon after spoon- happy that I finally got to have my post-dinner snack.

"I am glad that you are eating well..." He sighed as he handed me a napkin. I took it and patted it over my mouth as I watched him pouring me a glass of water.

"Take it.." I took the glass and the medicines from his hands and gulped them down in one go.

"Rose... please never forget to take your meds again..." He mumbled as I gave the glass back. The bath water was getting cold so I had the urge to get up.

"Also.." He casted his head down in defeat, his shoulders slumping, "I am really sorry about today...."

Must you remind me about that?

I stiffened as a sigh left me. He, too, was tense.

Could I forgive him for today?

He had so much to atone for.

He knew about the trauma he has caused me, yet, he kisses me like that- knowing that it risks my mental health. And what I feared, did happen. It triggered me.

But then again....

Looking at him, he truly seemed sorry.

I was burdening him with a lot of guilt. He deserved it, but, this one, maybe I could let it go.

But not without a warning.

"I wasn't thinking.... I don't know what came over me-"

I shifted, trying to get up.

Marienne's rigid posture tensed up even more as he stared at me with helpless eyes. He tried to take a grip of me as I tried to stand up- but I stopped him by raising a hand.

Must not give him any ideas.

Must not.

"I wish to retire to bed.." I smiled at him, hiding my pain as I let myself out of the tub. I was throughly tired but I could carry myself to the bedchambers that was just across his room.

He nodded slowly as I walked past him.

"Marienne?" I caught his attention, once I was at a safe distance from him.

He looked up at me, looking defeated.

"I forgive you... for the kiss as I also kissed you back," His eyes lit up, "But please never kiss me again. Don't come near me unless it's necessary, the same is applicable for me. I don't know if I can bear you near me again."

His eyes were sullen as he stared at me with elegiac eyes, "But-"

"No buts..." My voice shook as I spoke, "This- whatever this is, this blooming thing- it is never going to work between us."

He didn't say anything, but I could clearly see it in his demanding crystal eyes.

Why?

"Because...." I sighed, "Because you trigger me. I hate to say this but- and also y-you have Mad-"

"I understand.." He uttered, his face as emotionless as a sculpture, "I am sorry."

"Just don't to-"

"I understand, Roseline. You don't have to tell me twice," With that, he gave me a heartbreaking smile. A smile that made me want to comfort him.

I smiled back, the one that matched with his own.

The most ironic thing about this situation was, both of us were smiling at each other, trying to convince each other, but both us knew that it was fake.

I turned back, feeling tears welling up my eyes. I carried myself slowly to the exit as the hectice day swirled in me.

Marienne.. We do have one thing in common....

I could still feel his eyes, his gaze upon me. Maybe he was silently following me too, to make sure that I reached my destination safe.

Both of us hide our pain behind our smiles.

I looked back at him and found him staring at me. I shot him a smile as I turned and walked away.

Both of us are eccedentesiast.

What do you think?!

Eccendentesiast- Someone who hides pain behind their smiles.

Thank you for reading and waiting! For the past couple of days have been watching animal videos and Russian memes. (What a glorious excuse.) I apologize for the delay.

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MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!

Edited.