"The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again."

-Charles Dickens

Okay I'll give you what you are here for.

These are just puzzles of events which took place before present day, somewhat of a continuation from 42.

(Present Day)

Marienne's POV:

"So you're saying that you have an inkling of who is the murderer, why don't you try to find evidence against the person who did this? Also what about the one who took photos." My trusty lawyer, Mr. Sherman uttered, whilst taking a sip from the red cup.

I crossed my legs, eyeing the scattered papers in front of me. I didn't like being here, the workplace isn't the same as I left it.

Keeping a cool and calm façade was the number one priority in any kind of business. One would have to make the client feel comfortable in order to extract anything from him.

I might have to do just that.

Pursing my lips, I took a sip of the Cappuccino that was kept in front of me. The bittery sweet liquid left a delightful taste in it's way as I gulped half of it in one go.

"I took care of that photographer, as for the murderer, rushed decision would not be a wise choice at this situation. Moreover, I said, I have an inkling. It doesn't necessarily mean I know who is the murderer." My voice was deadly calm..... and controlled.

Control.

I had control over myself now.

Control and a will as firm as a mountain is what a man needs to achieve what he desires.

It felt like I was fluttering with the wind.

My sense of perceptions barely had time to register the summer wind as my Black Sudan moved along with it, cutting though it. My left hand gripped the steering wheel tightly. To the point when my knuckles were turning white.

I was shivering.

My heart was beating loudly in my ribcage.

I could have taken an airplane. I could take my private jet, the one I purchased recently.

But I chose to drive. It allowed me some more time.

More time to think.

More time to breathe.

More time to knit the apology note I have spent months on.

Thinking, procrastinating, thinking again.

Breathing, eating, working, thinking. That was how I spent my past three months.

Three months of misery.

Three months of guilt.

Three months of practicing control.

I looked out of the window through my sunglasses as my car passed the lush forest, the scenic beauty adding more to my jitters.

"But sir? Isn't it appropriate to find evidences now? Wouldn't delaying give the murderer more time to hide the possible evidences?"

I kept down the cup with a small 'clink' and looked up at the lawyer who seemed to be in his mid 40's. "If my suspicion is correct, trust me, that person wouldn't be able to do anything."

Inside I was bursting with rage.

Anger.

And the worst of all?

My car moved like a breeze, sashaying past whatever spectacle was behold. I took a brief glance at the speedometer.

120.

"It seems like you are confident who can it be..... How did you find out anyway?"

I smiled with a hint of mockery and sadness, mostly at myself and my fate. Lifting the warm ceramic cup to my lips, I took a sip.

"It's none of your business. If I am certain, I will tell you."

He cunning looking man leaned in a bit, smirking, looking seemingly smug. "You are ought to reveal everything to two kinds of people. One-" He lifted his index finger, "To your doctor and two-" He lifted his middle finger, "Your lawyer. Monsieur, I happen to be the second one."

I smirked in half amusement.... the other half was smugness. This man was damn straight, that is one of the reason why he was hired.

I chuckled, shaking my head, even though, inside I was dying.

My voices had left me a long time ago. After I started my new prescription, I barely heard them.

The last time I heard them was the day at the library when-

I took a deep breath.

It hurts me to even think about it. About anything.

I sped the car, accelerating it until the pointer hit 120.

There were a lot of things I try to conceal. My pain, my happiness and my weakness.

These were the three things that could hurt me.

Break my already broken form.

And when now, I was sitting in front of my lawyer, I was trying my hardest to not to show anything.

I eyed him a little, breaking my gaze after a short while. "I can't, not right now anyway."

My voice was defeated.

There was no denying the fact that I was a defeated man.

I was a man with no love, no companion, no happiness.

"Is it because you are afraid that I might assist the killer?" Mr. Sherman questioned with barely concealed humor.

I looked away.

"Oh my-" He let out a laugh, "Why would you think that?! Why would I do that? I have hidden many of your dirty work for years! Even that- guy's- murder-"

I clenched my fists.

"Monsieur..." I heard him sigh, "Look, why would I do that? You need to understand that this information is very important. You aren't going to believe me even if I beg you, so, let's break it with logic..."

I looked at him.

"Who pays me?" He pointed a finger at himself. "You right?"

I huffed. "The person I am suspecting, might offer you more money than me."

He rolled his eyes, "There's something called loyalty."

I took a sip of the coffee.

The term loyalty hasn't exactly been loyal to me. I never had anyone who was loyal to me.

The crowder the road got, the more my nerves tightened in anticipation.

What was this feeling?

Pent up guilt? An urge to emancipate myself?

Maybe being normal had taken a toll on me?

"I am going to attend a psychotherapy session."

A moment of silent passed between us. The only sound that existed was of the AC.

"You can't abandon the company. You are not in a state to do so. The stock is falling, if this keeps happening, you'll be stripped to nothing."

I pondered over his statement.

He wasn't wrong.

But I wasn't wrong either.

I needed to do this, for my sake and....

"I will go to therapy session. I want to feel how it is like to be 'normal' again. I have avoided it for way too long and I have paid the price of my ignorance."

The car ran.

The roads were widening, trees were slowly vanishing, buildings were appearing one by one.

I was in the main town.

I was in Oxford.

The thought made my heart leap a little.

I slowed my car as I entered the roads, taking in the houses.

"But sir-"

"Please no." Although my voice was collected, I knew it was a plea. I didn't want him to talk me out of this.

He looked at me for a moment and then nodded his head, sighing loudly. "As you wish sir. You would have to be careful with the sessions though."

I nodded in understanding.

"And also," His voice was suddenly all serious, "I have the information you asked for."

My eyes widened.

Memories. Fragment of memories can be as sharp as fragments of glasses.

They could easily slice through your soul.

"Y-You mean-"

I wanted to free myself from the burden of guilt I was feeling.

I wanted to emancipate my soul and start over as a new man.

A man who was normal.

"Please take a right turn." The female voice from the GPS wafted through, making me steer the car at the right.

I was suddenly greeted by a denser area.

The GPS showed it was only 10 minutes until I reach my destination.

Despite taking my anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, I could feel myself grow more nervous.

It felt like my heart was about to explode.

"Monsieur, You asked for the whereabouts of Roseline Elinoitte Winslate, right?"

I stared at him, my eyes widened.

My heart felt like it stopped.

I knew I had to ask for forgiveness, someday.

For a new start.

For a new me.

For a Marienne who is not ruled by his demons.

For a Marienne who doesn't believe his voices blindly.

For a Marienne who is not hopelessly in love with his cheater fiancée.

I had to severe the ties and move on.

I knew she wouldn't forgive me, but, I could try.

Who knew it was this close?

But then again, any day would not be far enough.

Because no matter how I apologize, no matter how much I beg or suffer, it would not be enough. I can't prepare enough apologies for a crime.

And what I had committed was a crime.

But since I wanted to be a new man, I had to face the consequences of my actions.

I needed to do it for the sake of myself.

And maybe after that, I will erase myself from the face of earth.

I am a vain man. There was absolutely no reason for me to live on.

But before that.... I had many things to do.

A drop of tear escaped my eyes.

Human emotions..... such a mysterious thing.

We cry when we are in pain, we cry when we are happy, we cry when we fear and we cry from anguish.

I smiled, wiping away the teardrop.

"I did."

I was sweating, my head was feeling dizzy.

"Well sir, Roseline Elinoitte Winslate, age 28, fair skin, long black hair, culinary school graduate-"

I snorted in impatience. "Come to the prime point. Where. Is. She?"

I had to know, even though I didn't want to know.

Okay, maybe I wanted to know.

Since I started my new medications, this girl hadn't left my mind for one bit.

I shunned it away, labelling it as 'guilt' and 'anger'. But it was something more than that.

Something I had never felt before.

Something I couldn't put a finger on.

"Just tell me and leave if you have nothing more important to say..."

"You have arrived at your destination" The female voice stated, causing me to stop the car.

So, this was it.

I took a deep breath. I had to do it.

For my sake.

I took out the small blue diary from the confines of my black overcoat, my hands shaking.

I opened the small subject with much caution, tilting it to the second page.

I smiled at the writings. There was a list, under which four things were categorized.

With tearful eyes, I cut the first entry.

Apologize to Roseline.

I let out a breath, tucking the diary in my pocket.

I looked up at the number plate. It seemed like a housing area.

222, Banbury Rd, Oxford OX2 6LA, UK.

"222, Banbury Rd, Oxford OX2 6LA. She is staying there sharing an apartment."

I let out a breath.

"A-Are you sure?"

"Sir are you okay? You are unusually pale...."

"I-I'm okay...."

I blinked my eyes a couple of times, looking down for a moment.

I found her.

I found Roseline.

The woman who reigned my mind, the nightmares in which I was the villain.

I was the monster.

"I hope Madeline never loved you, a monster like you don't deserve to be loved..."

She got her wish.

Madeline never loved me.

"Okay. Keep an eye on her, if she needs anything, send her anonymously. Never let her know that it is going to her from me. If she is ill, arrange a good hospital for her, move her from the current resident anyhow- just keep her sa-"

"I understand your emotion sir," Mr. Sherman cut me off, "But there is a twist. Something you would probably want to know."

I let out a breath, "What is it?"

"Rose..." I whispered.

I pushed the rusty gate, letting myself in. The smell of cigarette greeted me immediately.

"Dear god-" I whispered, closing my eyes, "Please let me meet her..... Just once. All I want to see is how is she doing with my-"

"She is pregnant sir. Three months to be precise."

It felt like the ground had moved from under my feet.

"What?" I whispered, not believing my ears.

"She is pr-"

"Th-Three months?"

"Yes sir. I have a copy of her medical records."

Why did it feel like I was dying, but gaining another life at the same time.

I had no reason to live, yet, I just found myself another.

Baby...

Three months pregnant....

Which meant, it could only be mine.

She was pregnant with my baby.

I lost my balance and fell.

"I will leave you for a moment," Mr. Sherman made his way out of the office hastily.

I clutched the sweater I was wearing, exactly where my heart was.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

Tears streamed down my cheeks.

I was happy, of course I was happy because it was my child.

But....

Knowing that the woman kept it, she granted it a new life, harboring it, nurturing it.....

"Why?" I whispered, "Now when I am finally wanting to sort things out, why?"

She probably suffers from trauma and all that for me.....

But she still kept the child.

She was like an angel.

And I was the demon.

I was the villain of her story and I didn't if she would be kind enough to share that child's life with me.

I gulped. My feet weighted as heavy as a stone. I willed them to move.

I could never show my face to her, taking care of her from behind the curtains had been my original plan.

I am guilty, I am suffering and it was multiplied by a thousand times knowing that she was suffering for me.

But the baby....

I can't.... I can't be a good father....

And she wouldn't probably want me to stay in it.

But I wanted to meet my child just once.

Just once....

A child I thought was mine, died long before it could see the world and now a child which was actually mine....

I couldn't go near it because if I do, I will hate myself until I perish.

"Un bébé." I whispered, my heart breaking at the thought, "Even if she hates me, I have to see my child, even it is for a moment...."

Just once....

Just once.... I want to see both of them just once.

"Sir? Why are you crying?" A woman asked me, frowning.

I regained my composure and wiped away my tears, smiling at her.

"Do you...... by any chance, know a Roseline Elinoitte Winslate?" I might have looked okay from the outside, but inside....

I knew I was suffering.

"Oh yes! Rosel! Yes I know!" She exclaimed cheerfully, clasping her hands. I held my breath.

"Please follow me." She led me to a stinky, moss covered garage.

"Stand here and I will call her, ho?"

I nodded my head.

"Are you okay sir?" The lawyer came in, his posture alert.

I nodded wiping away my tears, "I need to sort some things here. Please call in my assistant."

He left, my assistant rushing in after a moment.

"Do not make new appointments until I say so. Get the stock record."

I have to get someone.

It felt like ages since I had been standing there.

It was moments, but still it felt like an eternity.

Like thousands of monsoon had gone, like rivers had perished into the sea for thousands of years.

There was some bustle upstairs, but, my mind's voice was too loud to comprehend them.

All those practiced apologies, all those false meetings in thousands of ways seemed to weather away as I saw her.

She was so beautiful. My heart skipped a beat, just like the first time I had seen her.

Her skin was radiant, her dark locks were loose. She was smiling.

I didn't realize how pretty she was until now.

And then, she started descending.

One...

I feel my heart into my throat.

Two....

Three....

Her hand was caressing her protruding belly through the loose gown she wearing. Like she had been talking to the baby.

Thump....Thump...Thump...

My entire being felt like it was about burst.

She was almost at the bottom.

The distance between us were a couple of meters, but I knew it was much more than that.

It was uncountable.

A breath of wind passed between us as she slowly looked up.

And our eyes locked.

So many emotions rushed into her brown eyes, shock, anger, pain and most dominating of them all....

Fear.

The wind that passed between us, slowly faded away, immersing itself into the summer breeze.

That precious smile that lit up her face, vanished, within a span of moment as her face paled.

She was triggered by me.

"I-I d-didn't kill M-Madeline-" She started shaking vulnerably.

Dear god, as I have committed a sin, please punish me for it. Please.

Don't let her suffer for me.

Please.

She collapsed and before I knew, I was rushing to the woman who was carrying my child.

Please.

If I am supposed to do anything, be it for helping her.

Even if....

There's a lightyear between us.

Woah.

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thank you for reading this story! Love y'all!

Rewritten