The picture is of one of my favorite movies of all time. Kimi no na wa.

And also, I need to clear something. If you have not noticed yet, Rose's and Marienne's point of views are not in the same timeline yet. This is because Almost two months have passed since Rose escaped Marienne. Whereas, It's been only a couple of days for Marienne since Rose escaped. Basically, the events that took place after Rose has escaped is being stated.

"I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind."

― Jessica Sorensen, The Coincidence of Callie & Kayden

"..A whole lightyear separated us, still, I reached out, to the stars, hoping to touch you- and feel you even if it was for a second...."

Marienne's POV:

The gun fell from my hand, landing with an obnoxiously loud 'thud'.

I felt numb, momentarily.

The voices that fueled my rage and suppressed the eunoia of my rational mind, seemed to ebb away into the vastness of my mind.

It was funny, a moment ago I felt constricted, thoroughly instinct driven. I had this uncontrollable urge to kill, to have blood on my hands. I wanted to hear his scream of pain, the howl of his agony- I wanted him dead.

But now I don't.

I didn't feel this guilt when I instructed to burn down the sex ring that kept my Madeline captive.

I thought I was in control because of 15 different medicines that were injected into me one by one, I thought I would be empowering, relieving even when I took the life of the man who killed my betrothed- but it wasn't relieving. And I wasn't in control.

Instead, I felt a constricting pain. I felt like I was drowning. My voice of reason and everything was screaming at me for committing such a heinous crime.

I stared at the dead body, unblinkingly. Everything else faded as I focused solely onto the dead body.

The man was tied to the chair, his posture relaxed, like he was in peace. The gunshot made a hole on his forehead, from which blood kept gushing out. His white shirt, jeans, the ropes that bounded his form- everything was awash in blood. I noticed a lone drop of tear, residing at the corner of his eyes.

My eyes burned. I felt nothing, yet, thousands of emotions seemed to slam over me at the same time.

I saw Lindy running toward him, from her posture, she seemed to be crying. She kneeled in front of the dead body and kept crying. Why couldn't I hear anything?

What was wrong with me?

She was crying and sobbing, yelling something- but I couldn't make out any sound, all of it faded into the background.

I gripped my hair tightly, as I stared at the blurred scenario in front of me.

What have I done?

I noticed that my form was shaking- I was shaking badly- I could even feel the loud pounding of my heart.

I backed away- slowly- as if backing away would save me and take me away from the harsh reality of my doings.

I killed a man.....

Lindy's cries slowed down- she was much more like me, sitting there, as rigid as a boulder.

Blackness began to cover my vision. I looked away and closed my eyes.

This kill was supposed to make me feel better- then why did it make me feel heavier?

It's gonna destroy me- even more.

I had a weight of a dead on my shoulders now....

Madeline would probably have forgiven him if she was here.

What have I done?

Did I commit a crime by killing the person who has taken away the only person who ever loved me for forever?

My hands were shaking visibly- my stomach churned up; I wanted to get rid of all of these.

"Marienne.." Lindy was calling me- but why did her voice sound so- strangled? I opened my eyes.

Everything was a blur, but I could make out Lindy's form that seemed to lean over me.

Even though I couldn't see her face- I couldn't sense the dismay that radiated off her.

She should be disappointed, disgusted even.

I felt two hands from behind, both went under my arms, trying to get me up. I leaned on them as they carried me to the lift. I stumbled into my steps, swaying as the guards carried my battered form.

It felt like a nightmare.

Crutches... where were my crutches....

_____________________________________________________________________

I felt heavy. It was like someone was sitting on my chest. Was I awake or....

I tried to open my eyes- they weighted like lead. The glaring ray of the sun beamed at me as soon as I opened them. I squinted.

Was it a nightmare? Or did I fall asleep and slept to the next day?

You killed a man, Carlisle!

I jolted awake- my nerves seemed to come to life with the realization. My body felt like someone had poured kerosene over me and lit me on fire.

I threw away the blanket that was covering me. My breathings ceased- what was happening?

I gasped, seeking air- desperate for oxygen. It felt like someone had cut my lungs off. I tried to yell for help- but my body was quivering like a dry leaf on a winter day and my respiratory system didn't seem to be working.

Was I having a panic attack?

My body surged back and forth, my hands gripping the soft pillow, abstractedly. I was having a seizure.

Why does it hurt so much? When does it end?

I closed my eyes- black dots began to cover my vision. I gripped my neck tightly- sometimes it helped.

"Monsieur!" Lindy's voice....

I heard her heels clicking on the floor, she was running to me.

Help me....

I heard the drawer being opened and then a sound of ripping....

The prickling of a needle was felt- along with the refreshing alcohol being rubbed over my skin.

"Monsieur- I forgot inject your morning solution-"

The fire in my nerves seemed to calm down as I felt the medicine working it's way up my nervous system. I panted- still not being able to grasp the fact.

I gulped as my throat felt dry.

"Monsieur- please for-"

"Bring me breakfast, tante-" I muttered quietly, not wanting to ponder on bad things.

I saw her bowing slightly from my peripheral vision and striding out of the room.

Why did I kill him?

"Because you were feeling guilty because you molested that girl..." A voice replied from deep within me.

I let out a curse as I remembered about her.

The girl!

Roseline....

A wave of guilt and self anger washed over me as I remembered how much of a monster I had been to her.

Did it really matter now who hired him?

He was the killer- so he should have been the one dead- sooner or later my private investigators would have found her.

Fury blazed inside me. I was disgusted at me- I was disgusted at the man who caused Rose harm.

I searched hell and heaven for DuPont, no traces of him.

I glanced at the bedside drawer. My medicines were kept there- along with the injections I took and something else....

Something I had to hide strictly from Lindy.

I opened the third drawer, going through the items. My hands came to a stop when I felt something sharp in my fingertips.

I wasn't really thinking. I was just numb and all these emotions just dawned over me all at once- everything negative.....

But I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel pain, sufferings, the feelings that were always with me like my second personality. I was in a constant pain, and now when I don't feel it, I feel like something of my own has left me.

Feeling pain was bad, but numbness was the worst. Pain makes you feel human- but numbness rids of all feelings and sufferings, making you feel like you were living, but you weren't.

Numbness was what I was feeling. So, I wanted to feel something- anything. Even if it's not happiness, even if it's pain and everything evil- at least something that can make me feel like a human again.

Would it still hurt if I harm myself?

I took out the small object with much caution, not that caution would do anything considering the fact that I was going to slice my skin into halves.

A small, silver blade emerged, it's metal gleaming proudly under the sun. It's been a while using it, but since it's titanium, I didn't have to worry about it being rusty or broken like steel or iron.

It was a small knife. During the time of my teenage phase, there were a couple of things that I had become addicted to. Fights, drugs, girls and cutting myself.

All until I finally proposed Madeline and made her mine. She would always be my little angel, ma moitie. The other, better half of me. I would love her, forever.

I close my eyes, leaning back, relaxing myself, daintily tracing the sharp blade over the skin of my forearm.

"Marienne.." The love of my life was staring at me with wide eyes, or more specifically at my shoulder blades through the mirror. I raised an eyebrow at her as I combed my hair, looking into her eyes from the mirror.

Did she realize how delectable she looked wearing my white shirt?

"What happened to your shoulders?"

I stiffened. I know at some point, this question would be raised, but I didn't realize that it would be this soon. I let out a sigh- looking at her reflection. Her hair was disheveled. Her green eyes were wide and her soft lips were parted- their color reminded me of cherries. Soft blush adorned her cheeks which reminded me of the activities of the night before....

"I-It's okay if you don't-"

I shook my head and looked back at her, her eyes looked around the room, they were scrutinizing everything but me as her fingers fumbled nervously.

She was so cute.

I launched myself on the bed and landed just mere inches from her face. A gasp of shock left her as she looked at me with wide eyes. "W-What are-"

I silenced her by placing a firm kiss on her lips. They tasted divine- just like her. It took her a while to respond- enough time for me to fist my hand in her hair and pull her even closer.

She was like a fine wine. An intoxication. A toxic addiction. I knew I would get addicted, but I just couldn't stop myself.

A punishment I would gladly accept. I just wanted to love her.

I bit her lips softly- earning a throaty moan from her.

She was mine and nothing could pull us apart.

I pulled back as we both ran out of breath. I looked down at her lovingly as she casted her eyes downwards. "Did I say it was not okay to ask, mon amor?"

She shook her head nervously.

"I got them a year ago. I liked harming myself..." She looked up at me, naked shock visible in her beautiful features, "My condition did it."

The gleam in her eyes were gone- replaced with sadness. I hated seeing her like this.

One of her small hands came up as she daintily cupped the side of my face. I closed my eyes- relishing the feeling.

"Marienne- never do this to yourself ever again, okay?" I felt her forehead resting on mine and a kiss being felt on my nose. It tingled, "I am here now..... Please whenever you would want to cut yourself- just think of me- or if you don't want to think of me just think of something that makes you happy..."

"....I don't want you to harm yourself Marienne-.." She whispered, "....You belong to me, I can't let you harm yourself. If you love me never do it again, please..."

My eyes shot open. There was a small scratch over my arm- it ran down to my wrist and a deep gash was made just beside my artery.

Shit!

My hands were shaking as I threw away the knife, my eyes widened in horror.

I looked down to see the blood drenched white blanket.

Putain de-merde!

I threw away the blanket. My left hand went to my drawer beside and I began to rummage through it, searching for a bandage.

How the fuck do I make these stupid mistakes!

I promised her....

I took out the small piece of white cloth and put on some rubbing alcohol over it and then pressing it into my wound.

A howl of agony escaped me as the searing pain went up from my wound to my entire arm.

Congratulations on 'feeling'! Do you want a cupcake?

Yeah, be sarcastic. Haha. Funny.

I began to pant as the pain subsided, leaving behind a feeling of tenderness. The cloth was quickly turning red, I threw it in the basket across the room and took out a fresh one from the reel.

A groan left me as I pressed it on my wound.

Maddy- I'm sorry. I'm not a bad person for wanting to feel something, right?

My mind wandered off to another issue.

The girl.

Roseline.

What I have done to her, is pure cruel and disgusting. I loathed myself before, but now I can't stand the sight of me.

How do I compensate for a crime that is unforgivable?

I felt a pang in my heart.

She resembled Maddy.

Even though they weren't sisters by blood, they still resembled. And the affinity between their personalities....

The difference was- Madeline was adopted by this powerful Russian family- the Quarsiekievs, after the police caught the trade her foster father ran and Rose ran away- with a broken heart and a broken body.

A lump formed in my throat. Why did I do it? Why?

"....Somehow you know that Rose is more broken and fragile than Madeline...."

True that.

I had met Madeline when we were probably seven or eight. Since then I have loved her, and tried to cherish her like she was a treasure. But no one did that for Rose.

A lump formed in my throat. What was this feeling? I was feeling guilty... but somehow... did I-

"MARIENNE!" Lindy's voice startled me- as I jolted from my reverie, "Tesôro! WHAT DID YOU DO?!!"

She ran to me, the sound of her heels echoing on the floor.

I frowned as she sat in front of me and carefully took my wounded arms in her small hands. Her eyes were widened as she shook her head in confusion, "How did-"

Her eyes fell on the bloody titanium knife on the floor and then, on the blood drenched white blanket.

Uh-oh.

She looked up at me, anger swirling in her gray orbs. I looked away guiltily, not wanting to explain why I did this.

"Do you not care for my words?" She mumbled softly as she pushed away my left hand which was pressing the cloth, "Why do you do this?" Her voice was broken; like she was ready to burst into tears any moment.

"Tante.."

"No!" She threw away the white cloth, replacing it with another one. I hissed in pain as she pressed the cloth a bit too hard, "You promised me you would never cut yourself again! Do you not hold any regard for me?! You have always regarded me as if I was your mother! Then why do you do something that would hurt me!?"

I looked at her with shame, "I'm So-"

"Shut up!" She hollered as she bandaged my wound, "You connard! Yesterday you-" Her voice broke as she suddenly burst into tears, "Y-You killed a man yesterday!"

I remained silent.

"I told you to let him go! But you didn't hear me!" She burst into a loud wail, crying as if she had lost someone dear to her.

She did. She lost me.

"W-Why do you do this?! Why?!" She clutched my hand tightly as she helplessly cried. She looked so vulnerable.

I squeezed her hand, trying to calm her down, "Tante, Calmez vous s'il vous plait....."

"N'ose-tu pas! J'en ai marre de toi!"

I sighed loudly. I was a mess. Everything was a fucking mess.

And then I remembered something.

"Lindy-" She didn't move, "Lindy- how is....." my voice shook with vulnerability, "How is Rose fairing?"

Her cries ceased abruptly as she stiffened. Her form becoming rigid immediately.

"Tante?"

She looked up at me, straight into my eyes, her posture rebelling.

My heart pounded loudly in my ribcage. If Rose is not well, I would do anything to make her well.

Suddenly the realization dawned upon me.

Whatever happens to the lady, whether she is the lady or not, I really didn't care. I just wanted peace.

I wanted her to heal. That would be a compensation from me. I would do anything and everything in my power to make sure she is okay....

"She's gone."

Pardon?

I stared at her, my body started to quiver, "What do you-" I took a deep breath, "What do you mean, aunt? Has something ba-"

"I let her go. I freed her."

I gulped. "What do you mean by you freed her?"

"You heard me correct."

I could feel the voices, they were screaming at me from distance. It was as if the medicines shackled them, they were hollering and protesting so that they can break free....

Why would she let go of something you own?! One of them screamed in hysteria....

She doesn't care about your wishes....

Respect is earned!!

They were laughing at me.

I could feel the medicines ebbing away into my blood, before the monsters slowly began to take over.

Had it been 6 hours? The medicines should work for-

Anger surged in my veins. I could feel the burst of sudden energy within me.

Lindy must've noticed it- because the gleaming anger in her eyes were overshadowed by fear.

FEAR!!

I closed my eyes, trying to control myself. I wanted to control myself. I have been disoriented for long enough.

"Tante- Did I-"

She gulped, paling visibly, "You need your medicines son. You are losing control."

I am well aware of that. And I didn't want to lose my control.

"Could you please-"

Loser!

She betrayed you! She doesn't love you!

What did you do to deserve such disrespect?!

"Could please-" I gritted my teeth, "Hand me over the meds?"

She nodded getting up. "You lost your temper twice in two hours..." She mumbled under her breath.

I wasn't really paying heed to her. I was busy fighting my monsters.

Control...

You shouldn't trust her.

Control....

"Here." She handed me the meds and a glass full of water. I took them and gulped them down in one go.

"How come you have attacks twice?" She enquired.

"Different meds." I closed my eyes, "The previous one is for sudden panic attacks and this one is for shutting down the paranoia."

A wind of silence passed between us. Neither of us spoke.

"Tante," I murmured softly, "Why did you let her go?"

"Because what you did was inhuman."

I opened my eyes and looked at her, "Do you know when can I get out of this infuriating bed? It's boring here..."

"Want some entertainment sir?" She raised one of her eyebrows, "I can send up some books if you would like?"

"No thanks." I whispered, "Call in doctor Audibert. I think it's time to change the meds."

She bowed.

"Any news of Safina?" I enquired.

She shook her head.

"Any releases in press?" I queried, a turmoil raging inside me yet my voice was eerie and calm.

She shook her head again.

I let out a shaky breath as the hollow in my heart slowly turned into a cave as I glanced away.

"You are excused."

She gave a nod and then left.

So... Rose left.

"Good for her..." A voice from within me whispered, "God knows what would happen to her if she stayed here longer...."

Correct.

It was almost noon. I was wasting my work hours sitting on the bed and being unstable.

How I wished I could make things right.

How I wish I could redeem myself by doing something for her.

How I wish I could make her smile, because of all these horrible things I have done to her.

A lone drop of tear fell.

They say men don't cry, I say we do cry. Does that make me weak?

Why was I crying? Was it because the numbness was retreating? Or was it because I felt like I had probably lost someone who could relate to me?

I was right, I am weak.

I am being drowned by guilt, sadness and anger at myself. I want to make things with Rose right.

She must miss her foster sister....

I want to help her heal.

I jolted. Where did that come from?

"Rose...." Was it because I saw Madeline in her?

I looked at the blazing sky.

Rose, I am really sorry. You didn't even give me a chance to apologize, to make things right. I want to make things right, but before I could do anything- you just flew away- like the free bird you are.

What was I saying?

I am in immense guilt. All I wish to do, is to make it right. I wish I could turn back time and undo all these. I know you didn't kill Maddy. Someone else probably did it. And I am going to find out who did it....

I took a deep breath.

I will bring justice to my Maddy, before I find you. I know- you loathe me. That's what you should do. Miles separates us. All I wish for you to take care of yourself and hang on...

I glanced at the bandaged wound in my hand. Specks of blood was visible through the white cotton cloth.

I am no poet, but all I wish to say is hang on. I want to find you and help you- and it's a shame for me that I was attracted to you. I shouldn't be. I don't know what is happening but I am just a mess.

I know all you wished to was to save yourself from the monster that is me. I can't blame you. But would you allow me to find you and redeem myself after all this fiasco?

I gulped. What I was saying was fearfully dangerous.....

I will find you, Rose, once I sort out this mess. I will find you even if you are a lightyear away from me. You deserve it. And I deserve the hatred. I just want you to be happy.

All I wish to say, is, please hang on. I can give you everything except for one thing.

I looked down at my chest where my heart was located.

Madeline took that away with her. Apart from this I can give you whatever you want.

Anything to numb this guilt. Anything to numb this pain.

Anything to calm my demons.

A soothing breeze blew, caressing me.

I am sorry Rose. I know I am not worthy of being forgiven, but know that, wherever you are I hope that you are happy.

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Rewritten