Renovatio (Latin): Rebirth.

^ I love that word.

"Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn."

- Mahatma Gandhi

I am SO EXCITED for this chapter >:)

Rose's POV:

What is this?

This place...

Feels so.... surreal.....

Familiar.....

I was standing on a stony, narrow road. I couldn't feel anything, but I knew it was at the end of the autumn. Leaves of vermillion, red, orange and pink hue were scattered on the ground. A cool wind blew. I couldn't feel it, but somehow I knew it was cool.

The vivacious energy of nature was enthralling- mother nature sure took pride in her creation.

My eyes roamed around in the blur of the colors. I could see nothing, yet, I knew that it was a place I had known. It was an agonizing feeling. My vision halted over a shadow of a figurine and suddenly everything wasn't so blurry and faded anymore.

A statue of Venus De Milo stood before me, cupid was in her arms. She was facing me.

Her pose was stoic, so precisely carved, I could even see the small frown that was etched on her stony face.

If she was a creature of flesh and blood, she would have been glaring at me.

The thought sent a shiver down my spine.

I looked away and suddenly, the meadow melted into nothingness.....

The glaring blur of enmixed colours and hues...

And I felt a pair of eyes piercing my back....

"Rosel!" I jolted awake as I felt Calissa's hands shaking me violently.

Had I fallen asleep?

I rubbed my eyes, feeling knackered. The woolgathering thoughts I was constantly having led me to have these weird dreams.

No matter how much antidepressants I took, those dreams never went away. They showed up when I forgot my medicines, didn't when I took them, but they always stayed there, lurking in the darkest corner of my mind.

I blinked a couple of times and felt a yawn making it's way. Calissa now stood outside the passenger door, examining me with an unattractive frown.

"What?" I grumbled as I opened the door, letting myself out. The cool winter wind hit me, making me quiver.

"You look unusually pale," she stated as she eyed me, "Let's go inside. I think you have caught a flu."

I nodded and made my way through the shabby, stinky, underground garage. Calissa followed me, letting me on my own. None of us spoke a word as we walked in slow steps, the only sound that could be heard was the droplets of water hitting the muddy floor, constantly, in a slow rhythm.

Drip...

Drip....

Drip...

"Are you taking your medicines?" Calissa's calm voice broke the deafening silence.

"Yes." I frowned as I stepped over something wet, the puddle of dirty water wetted my sandals and toes. Pouting, I yanked my right leg, hoping to get the muddy water out.

Ah! so annoying!

I could only hope that it was not stool water.

Splashing sounds with occasional squeaks echoed throughout the almost dark and empty garage as we made our way out of the garage.

"Rosel." I ascended the stairs as Calissa continued to walk behind me, "You look horrible."

The frown that was already latched over my forehead deepened as I climbed the second floor. The small apartment didn't have any room for stair hallway, the door faced the other old and moss covered small buildings. The small place in front of the door was open and you could see the yellow parrot in the second floor of the building that was across ours.

My eyes fell to the right over another small building and I saw Monica, our neighbor, who also earned her livelihood by selling her body, smoking a blunt in her room on the first floor through the open window.

This place was heavily populated and notorious for crimes.

Inserting the key, I opened the door, the smell of cement and fresh paint immediately hitting my nostrils.

My guts churned as I felt my head getting heavier by seconds.

"Calissa, I don't feel well." I answered her unasked question, "I don't know why."

She let herself in and closed the door. Taking a seat beside me, she placed a hand over my forehead.

"You're burning! Who asked you to visit the airport at this obnoxious hour!" Her voice got deeper with her British accent as she chastised me like a mother would. Not wasting another minute, she strode to the bathroom hurriedly and began to rummage through the medicine kit.

I blinked away the exhaustion that began to creep in my bones, my heart pounding my ears. My head was beginning to feel like it was about to explode and scatter in this place. It felt like the room temperature had dropped several degrees within a span of mere seconds.

With a quivering vision, I eyed her as she brought out a file of aspirin and a thermometer.

"Oh my! You are trembling!"

Black dots began to cover my vision as my eyes fell over the small mirror across the chamber.

My face was swollen and red, my form was shaking violently.

But I couldn't feel anything.

What was happening?

I felt a hand on my shoulder. My eyes were starting to burn, so I just closed them and let Calissa do whatever she wanted to do.

I was exhausted fighting everything.

Why did it feel like the Earth had started rotating twice it's speed?

Everything swirled..... My head....

All on a sudden, another wave of nausea hit me.

My head feels so heavy.....

It was like someone had tied a huge stone on my head.

My eyes rolled back as I emptied my stomach for the second time of the night. Right on the floor.

I had never felt more secluded before. It was like there was a glass barrier between me and the rest of the world. Everything felt like an illusion and mix of colors.

From somewhere within the epiphany of incorrigible agony, I heard a small voice pleading me to hold on. There was a soothing rub over my back but still, it felt like everything was going to burst at the moment.

My vision was faltering, I knew I was on a verge of a blackout. After what seemed like an eternity, my stomach uncoiled, I could finally breathe.

I closed my eyes as I felt a cool clothe being placed over my mouth. It was wiping gently over it, probably cleaning the filth of my vomit.

"You need to visit a doctor love," I heard Calissa's worried tone, "Your situation is really bad. I am taking you to a doctor tomorrow."

I groaned in protest, clutching my head.

"You are going to a doctor. No questions asked." I felt her fumbling with my jean coat and taking it off after a minute. I shivered as the cold air hit my bare arms.

I jumped as I felt a cold substance suddenly being pressed over my warm skin.

"Stop moving!" I let out another groan of protest as I let her do whatever she wanted. It felt kinda nice, I didn't feel inhuman anymore.

"Open your mouth." Her voice was full of worry as she commanded roughly, her tone making me oblige immediately despite my reluctance. She offered me a glass of water and I gulped the cool liquid in one go.

I felt the cool glass of thermometer being stuck into my mouth. After a while, she took it out, I could almost feel her frown deepening behind my closed lids.

"103 degrees! This is bonkers!"

I squeaked from her obnoxiously loud voice, my ears felt like they were about to burst. "Can you sto-"

"Stay here and I will whip up something. Eat, take your medicine, rest for a while- If you fall asleep it's okay. If you can't, we will be paying the doctor a visit now!"

Letting out a sound of protest, I opened my eyes slightly to take a look at the clock.

9:12 PM.

I started to feel exhausted as I felt sleep summoning me like a devil would his worshippers. I felt like if I would sleep, everything would be back to normal.

I yawned. Sleep was much needed, I wanted to escaped from this agonizing reality even though this delusions are marred with nightmares.

"Ca-Cally-" I gulped audibly as she moved me to a comfortable position, my head hurting like a bitch, "Can you- turn off the lights? I want to sleep-"

"Sure honey, of course! If you'd just give me some-"

I yawned again, my eyes couldn't hold themselves for much longer. "I want to sleep now."

"Stop whinging! Take your meds and then go to sleep!" She handed me a loaf which I accepted gratefully. I took a big bite of it, savouring the taste even though there wasn't much to indulge myself in.

But sometimes we just need to focus on the brighter side of the picture, ignoring the small flaws.

She handed me my medicines next, my sleep medicines, antidepressants- they were all there- all 6 of them.

I accepted them and gulped them down with water in one go. It took me a bit of time to master this skill but I learned it eventually.

"Good night, sweety. Call me if you need anything." I felt the light being turned off as I closed my eyes, darkness taking over my world once again.

The indescribable pain I was feeling previously, seemed to vapour in thin air as the medicines took over it, making me feel numb, like I was made of plastic, not a human of blood an bones.

I shuffled in my bed making myself comfortable, it felt better now.

I was back in the same place.

Unlike the previous time, every single detail of this place was uncanny. I could see everything perfectly.

I turned around, feeling the familiar feeling of someone watching me.

I gasped as I saw Venus. She wasn't a statue anymore- she was standing there, in her full human glory. Small cupid in her arm, giggling and playing.

The sound of the baby's giggle was mellifluous, so beautiful and pure- like running water.

I focused on the babbling baby, who was reaching out for his mother, seeking her attention. Small streaks of hair flew with the small breeze while he laughed. His gums were full on show, his hand grabbed his mom's loose strand of hair as he examined the strand with curiosity.

My heart jumped as a pang of jealousy hit me. I gulped down the lump that was beginning to form in my throat.

I was barren.

I was unable to have a baby.

I would never be able to experience the joy of being a mother. I could never experience the joy of growing a life inside me, giving birth to it, nurturing it and growing it into something precious and beautiful.

A lone drop of tear fell as I took in the beautiful goddess and the demigod.

My eyes looked up at the mother, Venus, who now stared at me with a soft look. Her eyes shone with pity, mercy. She gave me a small smile.

I tried to smile back- but I was crying- the emotions contradicted each other, so nothing came to me-

My eyes roamed back to the beautiful baby- who was now staring at me- examining me curiously. His bright eyes got bigger as he cooed at me, extending his arms. It seemed like he wanted me to take him in my lap.

I burst into tears as I slowly walked over them, eyeing the mother for permission. She only nodded ever so slightly.....

"Rosel! It's 8! Wake up!"

I rolled over, pressing my face into the soft pillow as I opened my eyes.

I touched my cheeks, feeling something wet.

So, I had been crying in my sleep.

I wiped away the tears, rolling back, facing the ceiling. A bittersweet feeling of melancholy filled me as I reminisced my dream.

I felt like crying.

Why did the most beautiful scenarios had to be a dream? Why couldn't it be real?

My body quivered as I tried to sit, feeling much better than the previous night.

"Rosel!" I heard Calissa's voice cheerfully exclaiming from the kitchen, "I have made breakfast! Have it and we will be going to the doctors."

I nodded as I got out of the bed, swaying my way to the washroom. Even though I felt a bit dizzy, it was okay.

After brushing my teeth and having breakfast, we made our way to the doctor. Calissa was whining about how long she hadn't taken a pleasure trip and how badly she wanted to take one. I only smiled, she seemed happy after a long time. It was her off month and we could definitely go for a trip.

If I feel better.

It wasn't long before we were sitting in front of the chamber, patiently waiting for our turn to come. Calissa assured me that the doctor was good at her job. I tapped my foot impatiently, fumbling with my fingers.

My heart was beating wildly inside my ribcage, I felt my face get hotter- I was nervous.

"Rosel Elinoitte."

I stood up, licking my lips. Calissa squeezed my hand gently as we let ourselves in the chamber.

The doctor was a middle aged female, blonde hair, green eyes. Her name tag read "Dr. Jones." A saccharine smile lit up her face, making streaks of wrinkles appear in the corner of her eyes. She wore a light beige coloured dress underneath her doctor coat.

"Have a seat." Her welsh accent was dripping with kindness.

I sat myself on the chair, my toes felt tingly.

"So, Rosel, what is it you are facing?"

I looked around nervously, licking my lips. I really didn't want to blurt out my history of abuse. Instead, I focused on the past month.

"I-" I coughed, "I have been abused in my early childhood. I have been taking antidepressants- but they don't seem to work anymore." I handed her my previous psychiatrist's file. She accepted it and began to rummage through it.

"I have been having these nightmares- they were always there but recently they seem to have become more frequent. I am lacking sleep. Yesterday, I had a sudden fever, followed by nausea, vertigo and headache..."

"Did you vomit?"

I nodded ever so slightly. "Twice." She nodded, still looking at the files.

"Bupropion," She spoke up after a moment of examination, "Bupropion are often known for triggering upset stomach. I cannot be sure though, we still need proper evidences to proceed."

I nodded as she began to scribble something on the pad in front of her. "I need to have a sample of your blood and urine to make sure you are perfectly fine." She stood up as she gestured me to follow her.

She led me to the powder room, Calissa following us silently. It was weird seeing her like this.

After giving the urine sample, she took a blood sample. Handing both bottles containing the specimen over to a nurse, she instructed her to get it done as soon as it was possible.

"For now, all I understand that we need to change your medicines. I am prescribing you Esketamine, it's usually safe, known for it's mild side effects. Also, you seem frail. I need to check your blood pressure."

She moved over to me, securing the sphygmomanometer. She frowned as she checked the result in the automated machine.

"Systolic 109, diastolic 75. A bit lower than normal. What did you eat this morning?"

"Uh- a pouched egg, a loaf of bread and a cup of tea."

"Still low." She untied the machine, "Eggs are supposed to increase your blood pressure. 109 after having an egg isn't the result I expect from a normal person. It should be near 120."

"I take care of her during her episodes." Calissa muttered after what seemed like an eternity, "She hurts her throat from screaming until her vocal cord cannot take it anymore. She bursts into wail for no absolute reason and have flashbacks. She has become quite pale from the first time I have seen her. Please give her something strong."

I looked down, not knowing what to say.

"The best medicine she can have for now is love. Unconditional love. Give her something to smile for."

I looked up and found her smiling at me, melancholy shining into her eyes.

"Give her something to live for and there is no other cure above happiness. Happiness is the best solution," She smiled at me, "Never lose hope, you are a strong woman."

I nodded as I looked away, not being able to take it.

A nurse came in and handed her a file.

That was quick.

The doctor opened the file, my heart started to beat like crazy. I gulped as I patiently waited for her to announce what was wrong with me.

I searched into her face to decipher her expression. Her huge smile got bigger as she rummaged through the papers.

"Well, it seems that your blood is going through iron deficiency. As for urine, you have a high hCG level."

"hCG..."

"Not way up the scale but it's still there. It's normally produced if you have an ovary defection- sarcoma, PCOS etc. Or-"

Her face lit up with a bright smile, "Or if you are pregnant."

My world stopped for a moment.

The word rang into my ears a couple of times, going back and forth and then hitting me. I heard Calissa gasp, the doctor smiled at her....

Pregnant....

Pregnant....

Pregnant....

"I-It can't be right-" My voice was heavy as my eyes welled up, "I can't- I-It's not possible-"

The doctor gave me a sad smile. "It not impossible either. I have read the records of your cervix damage. They stated there is a 87% chance of you being barren. But the rest 13% chance of being pregnant, we can't deny it. That's why I am referencing you to one of the best gynecologist in my acquaintance, Dr. Sabah."

My heart started beating into my throat as I held the tears back that wanted to break the dame.

A lone tear escaped as I looked at Calissa helplessly.

I shook my head.

I should not be pregnant.

I should not.

I am scarred. I am more fucked up than anyone could ever imagine.

My hand unconsciously went to my belly.

I would make a horrible mother.

"Thank you," I heard Calissa whisper, "Let's go Rosel."

I looked at the doctor who smiled at me encouragingly, "Hope, hun. Hope is what urges us to live."

With shaky stupor and a dizzy mind, we walked out of the chamber and made our way to the gynecologist. Calissa pressed her hand on my shoulder, urging me to lean over her.

I was on a verge of an outburst. I wasn't sure if I was pregnant.

But....

What if I was?

The mere thought sends a shiver down my spine.

Calissa drove us to the gynecologist Dr. Jones had suggested us. It seemed like only minutes when hours had passed. I was in a state of shock and my mind was beginning to shut out every single feeling that could be identified as humane.

Since I was on a reference, it didn't take long for my turn to come. We let ourselves in at the third call.

Dr. Sabah was a dark haired woman with dark brown eyes, she wore glasses and from the look of it, she didn't look like a native.

"Hello!" She smiled and gestured for us to sit. I sat myself down like a robot, patiently waiting for this ordeal to come to an end.

Calissa handed her the file and she began to rummage through it. "It says that you have a high hormone level. I need to do an ultrasonography to be sure. Please follow me."

She motioned me for laying down. I obliged, like a puppet with strings.

It was my body which was obliging, my mind was numb.

I felt my dress being lifted up, a cold gel being smeared over my belly.

And then I saw her face lighting up.

"My doubt was correct. You are pregnant. It seems you are at week 4. Congratulations!"

Black dots began appearing in my vision, my heart was beating wildly now.

"Your cervix seems a bit damaged..." She frowned, "It is going to be hinderance for your baby...."

I felt Calissa grabbing my hand, squeezing it tightly.

I sat myself as she turned off the monitor.

I am pregnant.

I have a life growing inside me.

My hands started to tremble.

I have a small life growing inside me.

These emotions- the whirlwind of emotions-

Tears escaped my eyes as I looked up at Calissa. Melancholy shone in her eyes, it was a bittersweet moment for both of us.

"Let's go..." She whispered.

The next moments passed in a hazy blur. The doctor prescribing me medicines, advices, next monthly check ups- driving home-

It was all a blur.

It's like I am living inside a mirror.

It felt like a dream.

I would be a horrible mother. I am fucked up. What if I turn into one of those monsters I feared?

My lips quivered at the thought.

Calissa didn't let me go throughout the drive home. She led me to our room, unlocking the door and letting ourselves in.

And suddenly, something came back upon me.

"Sit here-" Excitement was evident in Calissa's voice, "I will fetch you something to eat."

I was pregnant from... from...

What should I call it?

A one night stand?

Something that was unexplainable?

I always imagined how it would be like to be a mother, how it would be like to hold a baby in my arms .

I never imagined getting pregnant from a man, let alone from a man I barely knew.

Sperm banks were always on my first choice, but this?

I let out a shuddering breath.

The dark plated the white of my canvas as I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down.

I burst into a sob as I hid my face into my hands.

"Rosel!" Calissa rushed in, "Are you okay?! Something-"

"I-It happened that night..." I whispered- my voice heavy, choking me with emotions. "It happened when we were drugged-"

"Shhh" Calissa engulfed my seated form into a tight hug. Her embrace radiated warmth, love, pure affection.

She understood my pain.

I sobbed away, clutching her tightly, my tears soaking into her white dress.

"What if I am a bad mother Cally?" I asked in between the gasps of sobs, "What if I fail? I am a messed up person...."

"Don't ever say that..." Her voice was soft as she ran her hand softly through my hair, soothing me, "You are an amazing and a strong human being. I have come across many but none of them were like you."

"But-"

"You have always wanted a baby right?" She pulled back and stared down at me with adoration, "The life growing inside you, it's no less than a miracle... How could you state that you would make a horrible mother, love?"

I only sobbed.

"It's a miracle love-" She tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear, "Take care of it. Not everyone gets to have it. Nurture it, love it with all you have and I will support you as much as I can."

I nodded through my sobs.

"Or if you want to abort it, it's completely up to you," she smiled, "I will support you with whatever your decision will be."

It was probably my only chance at being a mother.

I couldn't let go of it. It was a miracle for me.

"I'll keep it," I whispered.

My hand unconsciously touched my belly, rubbing it. Thousand thoughts swirled inside me, but I pushed them away, focusing on the important matter.

"Sleep honey-" She pressed a small kiss on my forehead, "You will feel better when you wake up. We will think more when you wake up. For now, detox your mind with your much needed sleep."

I nodded, wiping away my tears. I snuggled inside the covers as she let herself out- turning off the lights.

A baby.....

A baby....

A baby....

Venus smiled gently at me as she handed me the small cupid over. I took him in my arms, he was covered securely in a white cloth. He looked up at me with curious eyes.

A sob escaped me as he smiled at me, reaching out for the strand of my hair. He was so precious...

I looked up at her as I cried, holding the small cupid tightly in my arms.

"Thank you..." I whispered.

She smiled at me, gesturing toward the baby.

Infant cupid's brown eyes mingled into a shade of green and then slowly turning into a brilliant shade of baby blue.

I stared at him with awe, naked shock must have been visible in my features.

It didn't take a genius to figure out that these eyes were going to turn into a shade of neon turquoise.

Just like his....

Tears escaped me as I clutched him to my heart, breathing in his baby scent.

"Cherish what you were gifted with-" I looked up to find her gone, "And maybe this gift will be the reason of your happiness....."

I knew I was dreaming, I knew my messed up mind was making many things up, but still-

I looked at the baby and smiled, another drop of tears escaping me.

I knew what I had was a gift, no less than a miracle and I planned to cherish it, with my best.

The baby was now smiling, it's smile was bright as the most luminous star of the universe- it could put the sun to shame.

I wondered what would my baby be? A boy or a girl?

"May this gift come as blessing-" I heard Venus's voice from distance, the baby's form slowly fading away into the nothingness of the blank background of the canvas of my mind.....

I fisted my hands that held the baby a while ago- a feeling of hollow creeping into me. I pressed the empty fist into my chest as happy tears began to cascade.

I already missed it, even though it wasn't here.

"You are a strong woman Rosel." Calissa.

"Rose- you are so strong-" Mama....

I will try.... I have to try....

"Renovatio" The goddess's voice muttered and echoed throughout

Rebirth?

And all became blank, leaving behind a feeling of joy.

Rebirth....

Rewritten.

Guys, please vote and comment. It really disheartens me when I see a lot of reads but hardly any votes compared to the reads. As you can see, my English has become very rusty. Let me know if I need to rewrite or improve, constructive criticism would be much appreciated.

Please don't forget to vote and comment- Love y'all!