"I'm sorry," I mutter, lifting my head off Newt's shoulder once I awake.

Hot, red embarrassment flushes my cheeks. I scoot away as far as possible, then both realize that's quite rude and there will eventually come an end to the tree trunk, so I scoot back again.

But he laughs. No— of course he laughs. There's no but. I somehow keep forgetting this is Newt and not... I don't even know. He won't ever mind.

Yet I'm still embarrassed. I can't blame it on the fact that I might've gotten Newt uncomfortable, because by now, as I said, I know he won't mind. It's the liking and touching him that makes me feel like this.

"It's okay, Lynn. Don't worry," he says. "I didn't want to wake you up. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." The smile stays on his lips. "You're just on time, though. The rest was just about to leave."

"Correction," Thomas jumps in front of my vision, "I had to wake him up, because yeah, he also fell asleep. It was kind of cute, not going to lie. Snuggled together and all—"

Newt gives Thomas a slap. The sound of it echoes so hard that I'm sure that hurt. "Shut it, Tommy."

He holds up his hands. "Have to tease someone when Minho isn't around."

"Correction," Newt mimics, "Minho teases you. You'd get ended if you try to tease him properly."

"Okay, you've got a point. But Lelia can piss him off. And she's a great friend of mine. Means we're kind of connected. So technically, I can piss him off. And so can Lyndon."

I pull a face. No, I freaking can't.

"That is not logical," Newt tells the brunette. "Might as well say I have impact on Gally because his bloody eyebrows are as straight as I am."

"I'm sure you have awesome impact on Gally," Thomas promises sweetly. "Oh, and Lyndon. You don't even need Lelia to piss Minho off."

My frown deepens.

"You pissed him off that time he pulled you away from the cafeteria. He told me."

Our conversation was in fact about Lelia, so I do think she plays a role in it.

"I don't think I can take that as a compliment, Thomas," I say.

His face drowns in pain— I think Newt's hits might've been replaced with kicks, and he kicked Thomas there. "You should," he manages. "Great achievement."

"No, it's not," Newt interferes. "It's quite easy to piss him off. Don't worry, Lynn. Tommy is drunk anyways."

"For sure. But drunk words are sober—"

"Shut. Up," Newt hisses. "Bloody hell. What if I tell you you've managed to piss Teresa, a super kind girl, off?"

Before Thomas can reply, I do. "I don't see Minho the way Thomas sees Teresa. Not a good comparison."

"I'd die," Thomas says. Now that I focus on it, his words are indeed a bit slugged. "Like, oh my gosh. I'd die, Newt—"

"Alright." Newt jumps off the trunk and cups his hands around his mouth. "Sonya! Get this idiot to his cozy ass bed, please. He's pissing me off."

"Do it yourself," she yells back.

"I'll do it," I start to offer. "We were about to leave anyways, right?"

Newt looks from Thomas to me, hands on his sides. "Fine. Lynn and I will take you to bed."

"I'd prefer Tes doing that—"

Newt hits him. Again. On the back of his head. "She's very close to you. You don't want her to hear your drunk, dirty comments, hm? Come on."

"Someone's on their ladies day," he murmurs as Newt starts to escort Thomas away from the bonfire. It surprise me he's not grabbing him by the damn ear.

"I'm never on my ladies day, remember? Whatever the context of that even is." Newt fastens up their pace of walking, so I do, too.

"Slow your roll," Thomas moans. "I'm gonna fucking trip over something if you keep walking like this."

Newt sighs. "Remind me to never give you drinks again."

"Can't do that if you're sleeping on Lyndon," and I can hear the grin, while my cheeks only gain more color.

Then we enter the woods. Even with Newt and Thomas here, one of them drunk, I don't like it. The tent's darkness is fine as long as Newt's there, but the woods? Where anything could be hiding behind the trees? No, thank you. But I know it's just a ten minute walk. I'll make it, even with my chest tightening more by the second.

The bonfire we had today was on a random field. No flowers, just grass. There were some hills but it really wasn't that special. We could've done better. Especially with the route.

Fields. Oh, wow. We have quite a few at the edge of our neighborhood. I don't like them.

"Alright. Got it!" I closed the jar once the firefly was in, holding it right in front of her eyes.

"Dude, hold still! I can't see a thing," Lelia urged.

"You know I can't do anything about that," I replied. She took the jar from me and looked, eyes big.

"Wow. It's really cool."

"Kinda sad, though. I'm gonna free him already. He doesn't deserve to be trapped like that," I told her. "Alright? It's getting dark anyways."

"Oh, so scary," she mocked, laughing a bit before wrapping her arms around me from behind. I've always been taller, so it's pretty hard for her to reach me, but we've managed through the time.

"Luckily Dad says I can stay up later now that I'm nine." A giant grin formed on her face. "But okay, free that thing and we'll go inside."

Nodding, I opened the jar again. The firefly took its time to fly out. Once it did, my eyes followed the animal until it was completely gone.

Then I turned around, only to find an empty ground. "Lelia?"

The worry crashed into me as fast as lighting. I knew it. Should've listened when Dad said fields could be dangerous at nights. But I thought it was just the corn fields he meant.

I turned to look at those. Lelia always had some more bravery than me, and she always asked if we couldn't go play hide and seek in there once. But I told her no. So many things could happen in corn fields.

Running through it could cause cuts. If the machines got in to harvest the corn while you're in there too, you could already say goodbye. And so many other things I didn't want to think about.

"Boo!"

I screamed so loudly from her hands on me and the sudden greeting, that her face fell and I was surprised, too.

"Oh—" she swallowed. Looked down. "I'm sorry. I didn't—"

My arms wrapped around her before I could even control them. "God, Lelia. Don't ever do something like that again. You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry," she apologized again. "I didn't mean to scare you that badly."

I tightened my grip on her, nodding. "I know. Just don't pull things like that."

Until today, it has been one of the most scariest experiences, for some reason. I don't like it when people pretend to be gone, especially when they leave me alone in the dark. And especially in fields.

"Are you sure?" Eleven year old her asked. "It can be a quite intimate movie, Lyndon."

"I'm thirteen and the rate is twelve plus. And you're not scared by it. So yeah, I'm sure."

"I am scared," she corrected. "It's creepy. You won't like it."

The Lovely Bones indeed didn't give me the happiest ideas of a movie, but I wanted to watch whatever she said she saw.

Bad idea, though.

The same night, I woke up at two, maybe three. I was screaming. Kicking. I remember the feeling of thick tears running down my cheeks. Maybe even hyperventilating. I was so panicked.

The movie was about a girl. She got stalked. She didn't notice, though. She was too busy with her crush.

But that wasn't what made me wake up like that.

The guy said he built something nice for the neighborhood's children to play in. She refused at first, finding him untrustworthy and saying she was already late. He assured that because she was already late, it no longer mattered.

When he opened the hideout, which was underground in an harvested corn field, she got intrigued by the warm lights. Eventually, she went in.

At first, it was fun. He showed her all the little toys and books he put in the underground hideout. Then when he offered her a drink, she started to get uncomfortable. Eventually, she tried to run off. Tried to climb up the ladder.

But she failed. He grabbed her leg— if I remember it well enough. She was raped, then killed. Apparently dismembered— I can't even think back of it. Too much.

Whatever. Guess what I dreamt of that night. Who my mind made Susie.

"Lynn!"

And there we go.

My head moves up. "Uh— yeah. Hi."

"You seemed like you were in a trance," Thomas says.

I look around. Thank God we're back at the camp by now. I don't remember much of the whole walk in the woods.

Not saying what I did remember while walking through there was nice.

"Sorry," I apologize. "Been getting quite some..." I frown. "...childhood memories lately."

"Let's keep moving," Newt says. "I'll drop this one in his bed and you go to the cafeteria, alright, Lynn?"

"Janson will see me." And I don't want to be alone.

"Fry's there. I'll come as soon as possible."

With a silent nod, I eventually turn around and walk away. Odd, that he's leaving me. Or I've just made a whole new version of Newt in my head.

"Hi, Fry," I greet, doing my best to smile. To get the sight of the corn fields off my retina.

"Oh, hi, Lyndon." He returns a big smile. "Can I get anything for you?"

"No. Newt said I had to wait here. I'm kind of tired but I don't want to go to our tent alone. Even though it's..." I give the clock some attention. "Four AM."

Fry chuckles. "You don't have to follow all orders Newt's gives, though."

"He was nice about it. And this isn't a giant deal."

Though I'm sure I'd obey to anything he says. Luckily, Newt isn't one of those people.

"Come on," they laughed. "Do it then."

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop— I wished to tell them, but my lips were glued shut the second my head got stuck between the wall and his hands. I had moved, trying to escape, but it only caused abrasions on the cheek that was against the wall.

"Tell her." The phone got pushed so close to my face I was sure no one would be even able to recognize anything else but me. "Come on, pussy."

I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't gonna say one bad word about Lelia.

After the birthday thing at the store, they knew I had a sister. She eventually entered the same school, and they saw she had a phone. One of them appeared to have asked for her SnapChat. Lelia, of course, didn't bother to give him the username.

I knew she wouldn't believe them over me and would be able to see I was forced, but still. I can't. The words refused to leave my mouth.

"Well? We don't have all day." The hand pressed me harder against the wall. It felt like my skull would crack in two pieces if he kept going. It started to hurt. "One little bad word about her, that's it. Why? Because she sucks, and you suck."

One of them made the familiar movement with his fist, tongue, and cheek, and I felt my heart sink.

"And you're way too tame and weak. We'll toughen you up. Tell us one thing you don't like about her, faggot. Can be anything!" One encouraged. "Or are you going to keep whining and crying like always?"

Apparently, yes.

I don't know what this is, but I don't like it. The thing mostly on my mind the last months was the most recent group of boys. The ones before I graduated.

I've been trying hard to forget about the rest.
About anything I didn't like at all. But now it all comes back.

I just really want to know why. I want it to stop.

"Hey, there." Newt slides next to me, arm immediately wrapping around my torso. "Sorry for making you wait and being a bit snappy. Just desperately needed tea and time with you. Here." He slides one of the cups over to me.

I watch the steam, slowly becoming less. Then I finally take a sip, half of the drink spilling because of my hands. Shaky, as always. But shakier.

"Newt?"

His eyes go to me, interested. "Yes?"

"What else do you... how much do you, eh, know of anxiety?" Is there medicine? A cure? Or how do I even diagnose why I'm like this?

"Just the things I've probably mentioned before. Struggling with sleeping, trouble concentrating, nausea, shaking, overthinking, sensing panic... I don't know."

I nod. "What about zoning out?"

"Possibly. I mean, it's a way of getting rid of stress, as you feel like you might be... off the world for a while. Get what I mean?"

"What if it's memories?" I continue. I try not to sound so desperate, but it's hard. "More like, bad ones?"

His eyebrows knit together. "Er, I don't know. That could be PTSD, too. But if you mix it more with the signs of anxiety, you'd come close to C-PTSD."

I nod, fast. Half of my body is screaming that I don't want to know this. The other half is screaming for help. "Alright. Thanks."

After a second of silence, I feel his warm hand on mine before he hugs me, super tight. And then he takes my face between his hands. "Listen. If you get all of that, Lynn, you might want to go to someone more professional. I'm only saying that to help. Because they can help, too. Better than I can."

I'm not so sure about that yet. "Dad and I went to a dozen different people and it never worked out," I tell him.

"I know someone who might be able to help."

"I'd really like that, to be honest." I want it to stop. "Who?"

"Well, she's currently occupied by Minho and Lelia, but she won't mind if I call. She studied psychology. I can only describe her as... hm, the best advice giver ever."