It's like everyday, I'm kicking rocks
I could fly away, but you got me at a complete stop

. . .

. . .

<<raqeeba's p.o.v>>

"Why did you change your name, Kabir?"

The look in his face screamed about the amount of shock he got from my words as he stared down at me from a distance with his mouth slightly agape and face turning the whitest shade possible.

"Wh-what?" I could see the way his jaw clenched as he tried his best to stay firm and not let his guards down. Why? Just why can't he trust me with his secrets? After all I'm at least a little part of his family too now.

I'm not saying that I want him to open up to me immediately like it's nothing but all I want is for him to is at least trust me a little with his past or his fears. Sure I have my own share of flashbacks I haven't told him about yet. Not because I don't want to or not because I can't it's because we've never gotten a chance to know each other at a deeper level.

He has always been guarded when it comes to his emotions and I absolutely respect that but at the same time I can't deny the fact that deep down I crave for that 'connect'. That deep down I, myself want to let it all out too. That deep down I want myself to be close enough to someone where I can trust them with the darker side of my life, with the side I hide. I want to let him know the girl who resides behind the name 'Raqeeba'. I want to be vulnerable for once and not be judged or pitied about it.

I know that it doesn't matter how much he hurts me because no matter what every time he wants a shoulder to cry on I'll be there. It's just that someday I want him to be there for me too. Which I know is wrong. Because let's face it.

Expectations hurt.

I looked into those orbs which slightly made my insides shiver. This was probably those rare days where I couldn't see the man all guarded when it came to his emotions. Instead I saw kid. Or a way younger version of Nuraan right in front of me.

Something about those baby blue eyes screamed vulnerability and fear as he looked at me and at that moment all I wanted to do was to go ahead and coo him in my arms but instead I just walked forward stopping right beside him and taking the envelope which had a beautiful 'Kabir' inked on it.

I have to do this first.

I could feel the way he froze as I took out the pictures from inside of the envelope making me eyes widened with surprise as I let out a shaky breath, and slowly read the note provided with it.

"~For the ones you love, are the ones you ruin. And your closeness determines the life span of your beloved. Cause believe it or not...

Future is, what history did to you.~"

Seems like a personal attack.

A sharp breath escaped my lips as I completely reading what's inside, befor keeping the note aside and looking at all the multiple pictures. Or should I say multiple photograps of me.

Me in my office, me with my friends, at our family dinner, me during my meetings, me in kitchen, outside a restaurant, in front of our house. All of it was all about me. It felt like someone was capturing everywhere I went and everything I did. Like I was followed by my own soul.

I had seen this envelope a few days ago. Hell I was the one who received it. I did see the name which was there to supposedly be addressed to my husband but I didn't open it. I wanted to of course but I didn't.

It's kinda creepy.

Nuraan had been behaving awkward ever since that night and after receiving this he had been way more distant and disturbed. And looking at him I didn't think it was a good idea for me to bring anything about it up but now that I know what's in there I guess it indeed is kinda disturbing.

My mouth kept opening and closing as I look between him and the photographs before slowly keeping them aside. For some reasons I could feel my heart beat faster everytime my eyes landed on that stupid note. Calm down Raqeeba!

"That's a hand full of candids I got there." I said with a chuckle.

He just looked at me with what seemed like anger and amusement before speaking through his clenched jaw. "This isn't funny."

I nod.

"Um-hmm I guess you're right." I said before continuing

"But y'know what's funnier? The fact that I can't believe that you, my husband---" I said poking him in the chest

"----an oh-so-tough guy are gonna be scared enough of this stupid note and those crappy little ugly pictures of me that you'd want to leave me after that!?"

He just frowned at my words. "What? Of course not."

I sighed. "So it's about Anusha again?"

"God no!"

"Some other long lost love of yours?"

"No." He said, with his teeth gritted.

"Then what is it, Nuraan!?" This time I couldn't help but raise my voice.

Why? Just why does he need to hide everything from me?

His jaw clenched for what seemed like the hundredth time as he said

"Stay out of this, Raqeeba."

Wait what?

Did he just say that? Did he!? I couldn't help but scoff at his words.

"Oh I'm sorry but I think after all of this--" I said pointing at the pictures. "I deserve to be just enough part of this conversation as much as I deserve to be a part your damned life Mr. Nuraan Khan."

I didn't know where that was coming from but I will definitely not take it back either.

Something weird shifted through his eyes, something I couldn't point a finger at. For some stupid reasons it seemed like he liked what I just said. Like he somewhere wanted me to say it. Or maybe I'm just hallucinating.

Bad.

"And even after all this while if you still can't bring yourself to put your least of trust in me then I have no fuckin clue of what should I be doin about it!"

Maybe. Just maybe he didn't deserve but for the first time in this marriage I wanted to do something for myself.

After all it's not him but who is in a need of closure.

"Just leave." Was the only word that left his mouth making fresh tears build in my eyes.

How? How can someone be so damn cold from outside? How can someone be so good at covering and building walls around them? How can he be so emotionless? His stone cold face, the clenched jaw and freezing blue eyes didn't help me the least as a sob escaped my mouth, making me bow my head as I face palmed, not even bothering to hide the tears of frustration.

He just doesn't care.

I could feel the way he took a sharp breath ,before slowly coming closer towards me. Close enough that I could feel his chest slowly touch my head.

"Listen to me, Raqee---" his words stopped the moment I looked making my teary eyes meet his blue ones. For a moment I thought he won't speak up until he cleared his throat before looking at me dead in the eye.
"The longer we stay to together the harder it would be for---"

please say us.

That was the only thought running through my head. I don't know how, why or when Nuraan Khan became such an important part of my life that somewhere deep down I know that his presence has started to make me selfish. He makes me want to want more, more for myself, more of my happiness.

Us. It's a simple word in the dictionary. But for me it meant the world at this moment. There were a lot of things his single sentence could either cure or be the salt in my wound.

I might not show it but I know that when you finally start seeing someone in that specific spot light somewhere behind the lines you yourself build a grave for you. It's called expectations.

And expectations do nothing but hurt.

If he says it would be harder for us. Somewhere in my heart I would smile. For then it would mean he cares.

But if he says harder of you, that is me. Then I guess I'll get the so called closure I am in god-damned need of.

Peace.

I waited for him to say as he stopped abruptly before clearing his throat.

"--the harder it would be for you."

Am I being dramatic if I say that I might just have had my first ever heart break.

Like the proper one.

It's strange how I always thought that I wasn't someone capable of going through all of those heart ache shit but turns out I clearly overestimated myself.

A bitter laugh ascaped my lips as I nodded moving backwards away from him.

"You're right." I said, raising my hand in a slow clap.

"You're absolutely right, Nuraan." His brows knotted as he looked at me while I just looked back with a smile as I wiped my tears.

"The longer I stay, the harder it would be for me. For me and me only because let's face it. I'm the only one who cares for this so called relationship, aren't I? And the one who cares the most is the one who's bound to be hurt more."

I know I might just be overstepping and overdoing everything, but I guess it's high time to set the boundaries and make our mark.

For sometimes when we want them to step into the sea. We gotta set fire to the land, first.

"Is that what you think?" He asked making me gulp as I shook my head.

"It's what you have made me feel Mr. Nuraan Khan. Be it four months back or now. You just don't care. You didn't give two shits about this marriage back then nor do you give now! You. Just. Don't. Care. You didn't care before leaving me alone back when we were first bounded by this bond nor did you think twice before saying 'very well' when I said that it's better for us to be over!"

I wasn't really the type of person to shout during fights but I'm sure some bazzinga got into me today. This time when my eyes met his all I could see in them was anger. His fist clenched.

"You think I don't care?" He said before continuing.

"You think I don't care about this marriage!? You think I don't care about YOU!? Well guess what, Mrs. Raqeeba Nuraan Khan think the fuck again. Because I know how every damn thing I've been doing all this while I've been doing them for you! So that you be safe and protected because believe it or not you were not really married of to the most saint man in this planet and definitely aren't in the safest of positions with everything that to me! Do you not get it!? I'm trying to help you here---"

That's it. Shut up! I didn't bother letting him complete as I interrupted in between.

So much for being a listener.

"Help!?" I chuckled.

"Is that really what you think you're doing, Mr Khan!? You think you're helping me by pushing me away!? Quite some brain you got their, behind that bushy hair of yours because let's face it I don't care how toxic I sound but I'm not you! I don't fuckin need your help nor do I need any space from you what so ever. Our definitions of 'protecting' is surely way different because if your idea of keeping me safe is by maintaining a distance, and staying far away from me? Then I have nothing to say for all it'll mean to me is you trying to push me away and out of your life! I don't care if you're doing it for my good or not, Nuraan. I don't. I don't care because all you're ending up doing is hurting me. Can't you just goddamn see it yourself! I don't want this! "

Okay I swear as fuck need to shut the fuck up BUT I swear I couldn't!

"I've been alone. And trust me it's not something I enjoy. Not because I can't but because I function that way! And I hate myself for it! I can find my happiness on my own doesn't matter if I'm with you or not. Sure it could be a little difficult, but I have enough faith in me to know I'll pretty much pull it up." I said taking a deep breath.

"All I'm saying is if you wanna leave me then just leave by being a man and admitting the fact that you prolly found someone new or going back to your old ones and not by using the damn sacrificing 'protecting you' card! Don't put the deal on me! Face it! Man up! Tell me to my face that you're not mine and you wouldn't even want to be either. For I'm done with me being the only one putting in the efforts, Nuraan. I'm done being the one always in a game to guess your mood. I'm done trying to think from your perspective when you can't even do the least so at to think of me before pulling up your stupid actions. One moment you care the other moment you're distant. I tell you that we should get divorced and you don't even bother stopping me. I tell you when you love someone you let them go and you agree. Not even thinking once that maybe just maybe what the other person wants is for you to fight for them. Be there with them. Understand them. Open up and put your faith in them."

I couldn't help but take in a large gulp of my own saliva as I looked at him with my tear filled eyes before continuing one last time.

"Love them. The way they love you."

With that I knew it was time to rest my case as I finally looked away from his deep blue eyes which bore into mine to my feet.

It's over guys...

A chuckle escape my lips as I shrugged.

"I guess we'll never know." I whispered before slowly wiping my tears away.

"I'm going to Mom's"

Was all I said, not bothering to look up at him again as I simply turned around. Giving one last look to the room as I slowly reached forward towards the door. I knew I'll never come here again, not in this room for now at least. I knew that the moment I step out of here. There is no turning back. For once I walk out of this room now, I walk out for the good. And I walk out of his life. Periodt.

Fresh tears filled my eyes as I looked at the closed door in front of me and smiled.

What we had was beautiful. What we had is over.

Taking a deep breath I slowly lifted my shaking hand up, bitting onto my bottom lip as I reached for the door knob but before I could completely get a hold of it a hand bet me to it, grabbing me by my wrist before pulling me back with utmost force, making my back press hard against his chest as two arms around wrapped around me in a tight grip making realease a breath I didn't know I was holding and squeeze my eyes shut at the tears the kept flowing down as my heart dropped at the words that filled my ears.

"You're going nowhere."

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Don't hate me now!

It's almost done.... Just a little more depressing lol.

Hehe also I love you guys!

XOXO
It's Sheewholoved! ❤

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