Spencer pushes his glasses up. His body is tense as I watch him from the bed, my heart beating erratically.

"Since I don't know where to start from, I'll go from the beginning." He clasps his hands, his eyes darting around the room. He inhales sharply and meets my scrutiny.

"At first you were an enigma to me. I admired how serious you were, and how you used to get done whatever you set your mind on... I truly admired that. But as I got to know you, your goals and aspiration, how you were willing to do anything for your family, it made me think highly of you. Knowing the background you came from, the person I had learned you to be... I never really believed you'd be interested in doing anything with me."

He shakes his head, forcing out a half-hearted breathy chuckle as he looks away. "I knew you had snooped around my stuff, and when you started pushing for Reimann hypothesis, I got suspicious, but I disregarded it. Not because I didn't think you'd do that, simply because it seemed too far-fetched, and the chances of you seeing that piece of paper then jumping on to solve the entire hypothesis were really low, it seemed unlikely..."

I sigh and hug myself, focusing on the nightstand next to the bed.

"Each time you said you wanted me, I-I," he stammers and shoves his hand through his hair. "A guy like me doesn't get to be with a girl like you."

I frown and turn to him, ready to open my mouth and call him out on his bullshit, but he holds up his index finger, silencing me.

"I had always been the nobody, the loser... and suddenly, a girl who had been rich her entire life, coming from the same society I had been cast out of, had everything she ever wanted, had been on all sorts of adventures was claiming to be interested in me, the boring nobody."

"I didn't use to see you like that," I mutter, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"But I'd been seeing myself like that for my entire life, and I couldn't believe you wouldn't."

I hold his gaze, my emotions running wild. Hurt, anger, frustration... I don't know what to feel.

"So I decided you just wanted to be with me for the rush of it, the thrill of breaking the rules and... being you. I tried to ignore the effect you had on me, I tried to overlook everything, but I failed. Your presence in my life was exhilarating. The things you pushed me to do, be it working on a millennium math problem, or simply breaking a fundamental rule, all of them were so fucking refreshing, intoxicating, purely exhilarating."

The back of my throat aches as a lump forms, I purse my lips to hide the slight quiver of my bottom lip.

A small smile graces his features. "You were making me brave, daring to reach for more, to try harder and push my limits farther. You turned my life upside down, and I was enjoying every damn second of it. I had never been as happy as I was when you and I started getting closer. Before you, my life was dull, tedious, and colorless, and then you came, like a lightning bolt, a streak of color in my flat monotonous life. You were becoming my everything, Gracie. Thrill, excitement, happiness, calmness, everything... and I wanted to be the same for you, even though I knew I couldn't, I still wanted to try."

Tears burn my eyes and I drop my gaze to my lap, pulling the skin around my nail, blinking away the forming tears.

"When that friend of yours said you probably have an ulterior, self-serving motive, it killed me, because it made sense. Because it aligned with my fears and doubts. That one week I stayed away from you... it was more to sort through my thoughts and emotions, to think clearly and assess what was happening and where I stood. It was too late though. It took me less than a day to figure out I had already fallen for you."

My head snaps up and I gawk at him. He did not just say what I heard!

Spencer meets my shocked gaze, his mouth opening, and closing but no words coming out. He presses his lips together and lifts his arms.

"I loved the way you made me feel. I loved the effect you had on me, the way I was around you, the joy and excitement that I felt. I-I loved how you made everything better, how when you were with me nothing else mattered, and everything was serene and thrilling at the same time. Every day, I wanted to do something to make you happy, just to see you smile, Gracie. That damn perfect smile always lit up my day. I loved the way you talked about your day, I loved the way you always brought flowers with yourself, I loved the way you looked at me, or how you move your hands when you talk." He releases a shaky breath and takes off his glasses.

Keeping his gaze fixed on the floor, he goes on, "I wanted you in my life, despite the risk, the certainty of you dumping me, I wanted you because it was worth it. Being with you, as short as our time might have been, would've been worth the pain that'd follow after you leave. Days were brighter when you were around, everything made sense. You were worth the risk. Everyone leaves me, no one has ever stuck around much, and I knew you too would at some point leave, and it scared the living shit out of me... but I wanted to take the risk because even one second of being with you was worth the pain, and I wanted to trust you, that maybe you won't turn out like others and won't leave me, so I came back to you."

A tear slides down my cheek as I watch him. He rubs his face, still not looking at me. My heart aches the longer I stare at him and think about his words.

Why didn't he ever tell me about his insecurities? Maybe we could've talked it out, fixed it together, and neither of us would've been here.

Long moments of silence go by before he finally meets my gaze, a film of tears coating his eyes.

"When I found out about your plans, I was hurt, really hurt... but worst of all, my doubts were confirmed. You had an ulterior motive to be with me. And I was so mad at myself for falling for you, for discarding all my doubts and fears, for letting myself believe you. I didn't give you chance because I knew you'd leave me, and I thought well if we've reached this point... might as well let you go and don't go through hell twice. You were right, Gracie. I never even tried to forgive you because I was a coward. I'm sorry."

I nod and wipe my tears, looking away from him.

"I tried to move on from you, but it was impossible. Every breath was torture. Life without you wasn't the same anymore." He sinks to the floor. "I would listen to your voicemails on repeat until the new one came every other day."

My eyes widen with surprise. I didn't know that! I thought he never listen to them.

His voice breaks, a tear streaming down his face. "And when you stopped... I was so... lost, I'd check my phone every five fucking seconds, waiting for your call. It was the last piece of you in my life, and I lost that too. I even sent Saff to check on you through your mom to make sure you're okay. A part of me couldn't believe you just stopped, that you were giving up... but t-then, that night, hearing your voice... sounding that hurt, crying... it was the worst thing ever, it hurt like hell. But when you said you loved me... I got furious at you, for even saying that, but then a part of me just wanted to run back to you and say how much I loved you and how badly I want you back."

"Why didn't you?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper, as my tears trickle down my face.

"Not believing you was easier. I was so fucking scared that you'd leave me at some point, I couldn't bring myself to risk again by trusting you just so you would walk out of my life in a few months, maybe a year. And I knew that would hurt more." He lifts his gaze and latches it on me. "I'm sorry."

Bouncing my leg, I clutch the covers of the bed, fixing my stare on the wall on my right.

"I tried to move on from you, I thought I could. I distanced myself from everything that reminded me of you. In every fucking classroom, I missed you, hoping you'd miraculously show up in the middle of the class, take your usual seat. I even locked away the phone I had your voicemails on. After two years, I thought I had succeeded at moving on from you. Being with Julia was proof of that. But when I saw you at William's place..." his voice trails down.

From the corner of my eye, I glimpse him shaking his head, rubbing his face. Patiently, I wait for him.

"I never hated you... I wasn't even mad at you. I was mad at myself for still having feelings for you. When I saw you, it threw me back to the first day of leaving you... I hadn't moved on, and I was furious for failing."

My breath hitches in my throat and I stare at him with wide eyes, not letting my thoughts run ahead of him. A small part of me, no matter how hard I try, doesn't let me snuffle out the hope.

So far, whenever he said he talked about his feelings, he's been using the past tense. Loved, not love.

Anticipation hums in my body.

"I hated myself for my incapability of moving on from you and I reflected it all on you... I'm so sorry, Gracie." He holds my gaze.

The breath I hadn't realized I was holding slips from my parched lips. I knew it. He doesn't love me anymore.

"You were right all along. I couldn't stand to see you with anyone else, I was mad at myself for still being in love with you, and I hated myself for not being able to stop loving you."

I stop breathing as I gape at him, my mind refusing to grasp his words. He still loves me! Oh my God! My heart thrashes in my chest as his words slowly sink into my mind.

"I'm sorry for hurting you," he continues, not looking away from me, his eyes brimming with tears. "But I'm still hopelessly in love with you, Gracie. And losing you again is killing me."

For a wild moment, I can't believe my ears. The things I've wanted to hear for five years, he's saying them now...

Now, less than twenty-four hours left to my fucking wedding.

Yet, it changes nothing. My eyes well up with fresh tears. "Spencer," I whimper. He looks up, and our eyes lock.

"I love you, Gracie, I love you more than I can ever put to words. I love you insanely enough that it's giving me the dare to come and say all these things to you. Even though I have no right, it gives me the courage to ask you—beg you— to not leave me. That I'd do anything to make you happy, and with all my heart and soul I'll happily spend the rest of my life making up for every tear that I've made you shed because of me. You wanted the truth, this is it. I love you."

My body moves of its own accord and before I can register what I'm doing, I'm already off my bed and kneeling next to him, touching his tear-stained face.

"I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I was so awful to you, that I let my fears and doubts get in the way. I'm sorry it took me so long to admit all these things... please forgive me," his hoarse voice cracks, as another tear slips from his eyes.

He envelopes my hand and I take the opportunity to move closer to him, straddling him. Looking into his eyes, I whisper in a shaky voice, "I forgave you a long time ago."

He pulls me to himself, nestling his head in the crook of my neck. I hug him closer, running my fingers through his hair, letting my palm feel his shoulders.

"Then don't leave me. Don't go through with this madness. I'll do everything I can to make you happy, I promise, please don't do it. I love you," he murmurs against my skin, his arms tightening around my waist.

I shake my head, tears flowing down my face, my heart aching and breaking. It's too late. I can't afford to back out now.

I push away the lock of hair resting on his forehead before grabbing his face and looking into his eyes. "Spencer, we both know it's not possible."

"Gracie," he pleads.

Instead of answering him, I lean to him and capture his lips with mine in an agonizingly slow kiss. He presses me to himself, his hand finding my cheek as his other hand firmly stays around me.

Our lips move in sync, slow and desperate, savoring every second of it like it's the last time we'll ever get to feel each other again.

My chest constricts painfully, and I break the kiss as tears burn my eyes. "Stay with me tonight," I whisper against his lips.

His thumb brushes my cheek, resting his forehead on mine as his eyes flutter shut. Our breaths mingle as we breathe in and out together. "You'll follow through with the contract," he mumbles. No accusation, just a plain statement.

"I have no choice," I sigh, my fingers tightening on shoulders, gripping his shirt, as though if I don't hold on to him, he'll disappear then I won't be able to tell if this was just a wicked dream or real.

I lead him to my bed and we silently slide under the duvet. He pulls me to himself, and I melt into his touch, inhaling his intoxicating scent, letting all my thoughts and worries dissipate for the night. I don't want to think about tomorrow. I don't want to consider my choices; I don't want to worry about making the right decision.

All I want is to be in his arms and forget everything else. And that's what I do.

I stay in his loving embrace, letting my hands feel every inch of him, memorizing it, etching every detail in my mind. His woody cologne scent, the feel of his lips, his gentle caresses, the panes of his chest and sculpted body.

Our chaste touches slowly grow more desperate, our lips move with more fervor against one another. I become needier, greedier. Even though I don't want to think about what the future and tomorrow's events have in store for me, it doesn't stop me from being almost certain this truly might be the last time I'll get to be intimate with him.

I suppose he thinks the same because he doesn't stop, following my lead when I unbutton his shirt, running my palm over his hard muscles, tangling my fingers in his hair.

My heart aches, even though my body relishes in the feeling of his touch on my skin—be it the last time.

His touches, movements, everything reminds me of the night of my birthday over five years ago. Perhaps he's being even more tender and it sets my lungs on fire, shredding my heart to pieces from the overwhelming sense of bittersweet feelings erupting in me.

My body comes to life, humming with pleasure once he enters me, filling me, making me feel whole again... making us one, as he enfolds me in his arms.

I cling to him, blinking away the stinging tears of awareness I probably won't ever be this close to him again.

Neither of us looks away, our eyes stay locked the entire time. It's as though our souls are intertwined together. I happily get lost in his beautiful dark blue eyes. Our breaths mingle, our noses brush with each of his thrusts, each kiss growing more desperate, more passionate.

Ecstasy peaks, washing over my body in ripples of euphoric pleasure as I hold on to him, and he hugs me closer to himself, nuzzling my neck as he reaches his high, repeating the same three words over and over again. "I love you."

The haze dulls the ache. His arms shield me from the onslaught of pain and I nestle my head in his nook, our sweaty naked bodies flushed against each other.

I try to stay awake after catching our breaths in his embrace, but it turns into an impossible task. I don't want this night to be over. I want to cherish and savor every second before dawn.

"Don't go," I murmur.

He kisses the top of my head. "I won't."

Soon his steady heartbeat lulls me to a deep slumber.

❦ ♥︎ ❦

Aaahh he said it at last!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Tell me what you thought about Spencer's speech, and what do you think is going to happen from now on?

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Tomorrow we're going to have a double update ^.^ (If I can manage to pull it off since I'll be updating 2 of my other stories too. For those of you who are curious, it's going to be Color Me Cerise and Tell It To the Heart, maybe check them out and see if they're your kinda story or not).

Any guesses how many chapters are left for this book? 👀

Hehe, thanks for reading this chapter, love you guys <3

Stay safe, lots of love, happy reading ♡