Words are like bullets.

Once the trigger is pulled, the bullet can't be held back, captured, or returned to its initial place. The same goes for words.

Once you voice them out, there's no way of undoing it.

Both leave their marks.

Both are remarkably fatal.

The only difference is, one causes immediate death, while the other is like a slow working poison.

When I shout those stupid, stupid words at Gracie, I'm stunned they left from me. For a second, I can't believe I'm the one who said that!

But as I look at Gracie... I see, for the first time, the resolve, the stubbornness, her astounding strength, all the qualities I've always admired her for, flicker and withering away.

Tears glaze her eyes. The sight hurts worse than being stabbed in the guts.

She backs away a step unsteadily.

Regret is a stupid thing. There's no way of showing it instantly, except with words... words that probably mean nothing to her right now. It can be shown by action too, but that takes time. And time is one thing I don't have right now.

I can see it, I'm losing her. From the way she backed away, from the way she's looking at me, from the way she's holding herself. I'm losing her.

Where are these stupid words now that I need them the most!

I want to tell her I'm sorry, that I'm an asshole, an idiot. I don't even know where that came from. That I didn't mean a single word. It was just an outburst in a moment of anger and frustration; she hurt me and for a split second I wanted her to feel as shitty as me.

I'm an asshole.

But my thoughts falter before reaching my tongue and I'm left gazing at her, unable to even move a muscle.

She looks away and she seems so small, so fucking fragile. I want to beg her to forget what I said, that she should know better than believe that shit, but for some unknown reason, I'm frozen.

"I guess you're right," she weakly says and she might as well had ripped out my heart.

"I'm sorry for everything," she adds, her voice breaking at its end. Without wasting another second, she turns and rushes out of the building.

No no no!

Fuck!

What have I done?

I stare at the doors for a moment after she disappears on the other side of them.

No no no. I can't let her go. Not like this. I'll beg her forgiveness. I have to fix this right now.

Miraculously, I manage to move and sprint out of the building, but I'm too late. Freezing rain hits me and I shout her name, ignoring the chill.

She doesn't stop.

Now I understand how it feels to want someone to stay but they hop on their car and leave. I did the same thing to her five years ago. I suppose we really are getting even.

I run to my car to chase her but just as I reach it, I realize my key is upstairs. I curse under my breath. From the corner of my eye, I catch Gracie's driver anxiously looking at the road she just sped down and his phone.

"What's wrong?" I shout over the steady beat of rain, getting heavier each second.

He turns to me, reluctantly after a second says, "Miss Stewart hasn't driven a car for over five years for some personal reasons. I was told not to let her drive alone, ever."

Fuck.

I thrust my hand through my wet hair, pushing it aside from my forehead. Dammit.

In a frenzy, I rush back into the building, retrieve my key and get to my car, and zoom down the road.

I curse myself for saying those shit.

The rain is heavy, and the paralyzing fear of something happening to her is driving me mad. Memories of the first time she sat in my car flit through my mind.

What if she has another nervous breakdown while driving?

What if something happens to her?

I shake my head and shove aside these thoughts.

Nothing will happen to her. I'll reach her on time and I'll tell her how sorry I am, and how I didn't mean any of those. I'll fix it. I have to. This has to be sorted out before midnight, I can't let it even get longer than an hour.

I press down the speed pedal, hoping to find her sooner.

Her face keeps flashing in my head. Her words play and replay in my mind.

For a man who claims he once cared for me, maybe even loved me, your actions are surely in contradiction with your words.

I'm sorry for what I did to you, and I'm sorry a sorry won't fix it.

I'm convinced you're incapable of caring for anyone, because caring comes with forgiving, and you never even tried, not even once considered, forgiving me.

I groan and curse myself again. She's right.

I didn't even consider forgiving her, let alone try. I didn't want to forgive her.

Trust doesn't come easy to me, and I'm not a forgiving man... but, I'm seeking the same thing I refused to give her. Forgiveness.

Fuck. I shove my fingers through my damp hair and tug at them.

Her words were true, and the ones that weren't hurt terribly.

She wishes to wipe herself out of my life if she had the power... and why wouldn't she? I've never told her how the times I'm with her, I'm the happiest even though I'll deny it at that moment.

She thinks I never cared for her or loved her, and... it shouldn't have pissed me off. I never technically told her I do- I mean, did.

But the forgiving part, that was all true and right on point. That's why it stung the most. It hit hard and deep, and it made me defensive.

My answer was a stupid knee-jerk reaction.

I shake my head and slow down the car once I get closer to the traffic jam. With a frown, I halt the car on the side of the road and climb out. Shielding my glasses from the rain, I hurry down the road, staying on the side, in hopes of spotting Gracie's car.

But it's nowhere in sight and I don't bother going too far away. Exasperated and drenched, I turn around and run back to my car, put it on reverse, and back out of the road, driving into a less crowded street.

I speed down. My mind starts replaying all the things she said. She mentioned William a few times... something about working with him to bring her down... she hinted at talking to him this morning.

My eyes widen with realization. I hit the steering wheel in anger. That fucking asshole. He must've said something to her, ticking her off and when she found out about the shares, she must have connected it with whatever he told her.

I curse William in my head.

The blaring sound of sirens snaps me out of my thoughts and I slow down my car as an unsettling apprehension grips and twists my gut.

My shoulders tighten and I have to blink multiple times in order to see as I drive closer to the sound.

My grip tightens around the steering wheel, and my heart races, almost bursting out of my chest.

Please don't have anything to do with Gracie.

A long line of cars obscures the view. I stop behind the last one and with shaky limbs get out of my car. I need to see it with my own eyes it has nothing to do with Gracie.

My gaze darts from one place to another, I walk past the cars, not seeing anything except the blazing red lights.

When the accident's sight comes in my line of vision, my knees almost give out.

For a sick moment I can't bring myself to believe the car in front of me, is Gracie's. Its entire hood is crushed under a truck, the windshield shattered.

I force my locked knees to move, stiffly striding to the scene. I shake my head.

It can't be real.

Three men have crowded the driver's side of the car, one of them standing directly before the front door, moves.

The most horrifyingly agonizing sight rips me apart. Gracie's broken form, bloodied and unconscious lies there as they try to bring her out of the mangled piece of iron that was once her car.

I expel a pained breath, my body growing cold and numb. "Gracie," I whisper, unable to move and go closer.

No no no.

What have I done?

How did it all go so wrong, so fast?

With my lungs on fire, and mind dazed, I stumble to her. The voices around me don't register as I walk closer and closer to her.

A harrowing thought clouds my mind.

What if I don't ever hear her voice again? What if I don't ever get the chance to look into her eyes?

What if she never wakes up?

And suddenly the world is too vast and too dark and I can't breathe.

My knees give out but my hand shoots out automatically, grabbing the nearest source of support, the stretcher, but it wheels away and I almost hit the ground.

I vaguely hear someone asking me if I know her. I can't tell if I nod or not. Nothing beyond Gracie is circling in my head.

I can't lose her.

Especially not like this. Not when I've screwed up this bad and I need to show her how wrong I've been all along. To make her understand she's none of the things I've so far told her she is. That she's worthy of the bests this world has to offer.

God, please.

Everything is a flurry of movements around me, though all I can see is Gracie, while the emergency crew is trying to pull her out.

It takes forever in my eyes for them to place Gracie on the stretcher and they usher me into the ambulance along with her. They keep saying they'll try their best to save her and I want to tell them anything except that is not even an option but I can't do anything but cling to her bruised hand like my life depends on it.

It does.

It really fucking does.

Holding her hand to my chest, gazing down at her pale face with streaks of blood drying on her forehead only makes it more apparent.

A world without Gracie Stewart...

My eyes burn and I try to blink away the gathering moisture. I can't even finish that thought in my head. That cannot turn into my reality.

I cradle her hand and kiss her knuckles. "Please don't leave me, please. I'm sorry," I murmur against her skin and squeeze my eyes shut. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. 

There are so many things I want to tell you. Need to tell you. God, I'm so sorry.

It's unbelievable we had to reach this point for me to finally open my fucking eyes and understand everything.

Denying my feelings for her, won't make them disappear suddenly.

Saying all those bullshits to push her away were unnecessarily harmful. She didn't deserve any of that. Who am I to say shit like that to her when I'm not even a decent human being?

Why did it have to take me so long to realize all these things?

Too many missed opportunities.

The ride is long and nerve-wracking, though I don't trust my perception of time at the moment.

Once we reach the hospital, they rush her away to the operating room, leaving me alone in the long corridor with my thoughts.

I sink to the floor and take off my glasses. My gaze drops my shirt and it's wet, not only from the pounding rain but with blood too.

I rest my head to the cold wall behind me, swallowing my agony away, trying to stay strong while all I want is to rid myself of this pain, anger, frustration, be it by shouting, punching, breaking stuff, anything really.

I wish it were possible to swap lives. I would have happily, willingly, changed my place with her right now.

I stare at my hand, covered in her blood. Bile burns the back of my throat. It's my fault. She's in this state, in that goddamn room, fighting for her life, because I was an asshole. A dickhead who couldn't accept the truth of his choices.

I press the heels of my palms to my eyes and I'm thrown back to fifteen years ago. I did the same thing with my mom. I got back from school, found out she wanted to end her life with medical help. Incandescent I yelled stupid shit at her, punched walls, broke vases and glasses, and stormed out of the house.

The appointment's time didn't change. They carried on, and I was left with a shit ton of guilt for the rest of my life. The last things I said to my mom were nothing better than the shit I said to Gracie tonight.

I look up at the operating room's door, the only physical matter separating Gracie from me. But in reality, we're light-years apart. The anguish claws and slashes my useless heart and ruined soul.

Those words can't be my last words to her.

I shake my head and a tear slides down my face. Silently I watch the door, as though if I look hard enough, I'll be able to tell what's happening on the other side.

Hours, days, weeks, maybe even centuries go by. My mind shuts off every thought and every emotion.

Empty.

Cold.

I can't tell how long it goes by until it strikes me, Kathryn and Mason need to be informed. I shift on my spot, the cold floor has stiffened me but I pay no heed to the discomfort and pull out my phone.

My fingers tremble as I find Kathryn's name on the contact list and tap it. I purse my mouth while the ringing goes on.

She picks up on the fifth ring. "Spencer?" her confused voice sends a pang of guilt. "What's wrong?" she presses, sounding more anxious when I don't say anything.

I can do it. Come on, I have to tell her. I open my mouth to inform her about Gracie, but my words falter and stick to my throat. I can't do it. Chocking on air, I rest my head on my palm, no longer able to hold back the pain ravaging me.

"Spencer, what's wrong? Where are you? Did something happen to Savannah?"

I shake my head, gripping the phone tighter. "It's... Gracie."

A whooshing sound comes from her line and I squeeze my eyes shut.

"What happened?" she asks with a trembling voice.

What happened? I said stupid stuff that got her into that room. I can't find the right words to say and Kathryn calls my name again before I manage to stammer an answer, "A-accident. We're i-in a hospital."

She gasps and says she'll be here and hangs up.

I stare at my phone's black screen, seeing a bleary reflection of myself. Despisable.

I wait and wait... and wait.

No doctors or nurses come out, save for one who asks for her blood type. Gracie didn't have any of her belongings, not even her driving license, when she left. I have to handle all of it. I sigh and rub my brows.

As I gaze at the door, slowly, my blank mind starts working again. I'm the one who ruined everything. She was right to be mad at me for not even listening to her when I found out about her plans and motives five years ago.

What she did was wrong, but... I wasn't right either.

We've both done awful things, and have hurt each other. It's time to end this madness. I have to right all the wrongs I've done. Fix all that I've broken. Starting from now, this very moment.

I just hope it's not too late.

My resolve sets in and hurrying footsteps make me turn. Kathryn is running towards me, Mason not far behind.

I push myself to my feet, ignoring the dull ache in my limbs as I slip my phone into my back pocket and grip my glasses.

"What happened?" she demands, her skin pale, her gaze frantic, and her hair wild. So unlike her usual calm and composed self.

I gulp and drop my eyes to the floor.

She stops in front of me and I can't bring myself to meet her eyes, so damn similar to Gracie's.

"Spencer?" She grabs my shoulder, panting, her voice trembling. "She's..." her voice trails down.

"Under operation," I mumble.

A shaky sigh escapes her. "How? I-I it doesn't make any sense. They're saying it was a car accident. Gracie hasn't driven in years."

I clench my jaw and slowly drag my gaze to Kathryn's worried face. A deep sense of hatred filters through me.

She was the only person who stood by my mom's side, gave her a job. I owe my Harvard degree to her. Hell, I owe every academic achievement in my life to her. If she wasn't supporting my mom, if she hadn't paid for my college tuition, and even for my high school, I wouldn't be the man I am today.

"It's his fault," Mason snarls and I don't bother to glance at him.

Kathryn turns to her son before looking back at me and her eyes fall on my shirt and my hand. "He was the one who found her," she weakly says. "Right, Spencer?"

I avert my gaze and a suffocating silence wraps around us.

"Spencer," she calls out, firmer, her voice losing the hint of desperation and gaining anger.

I shake my head and rub my face, my shoulders hunching as I lean to the wall for support. "W-we had a f-fight... I-I... it got out of hand, I- I'm sorry." I dare to glance up at her.

The same loathing twisting and singeing my insides reflects on her eyes. Her face goes stoic and her eyes sharpen. 

"I'm sorry," I mumble and drop my gaze to the ground.

She slaps me hard. The force mixed with the surprise jerks my head to the side.

"Get lost," she growls. "I don't want to see you again. I don't ever want to see you around my daughter again. Leave."

Mason roars, "You fucking bastard." He charges at me, landing a punch square on my jaw, almost sending me toppling to the floor.

He grabs my collar and starts spitting insults as I stand motionless. He punches the other side of my face too before three nurses manage to get him off.

I stumble backward, longingly gazing at the operating room's door. I'll find out her condition in another way.

With one final glance, I turn around and plod away, refusing the nurse offering to patch me up. I wipe away the blood trickling down my mouth as I trudge out of the hospital.

For a long while, I stand under the pouring rain, wishing it was possible to wash away all my mistakes and this never-ending pain, before finding a cab and leaving.

The driver eyes me with suspicion but I don't spare a glance at him, leaning to the door, pressing my head to the cold glass, and staring out the window. As we go further away from the hospital, I glance back at it for one last time, wondering if tonight was the last time I saw Gracie.

❦ ♥︎ ❦

And now now you know Spencer's POV :) I hope the chapter made sense and wasn't boring. I really wanted you guys to know his side of emotions and reactions.

Obviously, the next chapter will be in Spencer's pov =) And prepare yourself for another emotional roller coaster ^.^ And it also might be the last chap in Spencer's POV (I'm not sure though, but there's like a 70% chance it might be =) )

Comment your thoughts, I love to hear them about Spencer's pain and conflict. I guess we can agree he deserves it to some degree =) 

Also, he wants to fix his mistakes, do you guys think it's too late or not? =) Any thoughts on what should be on the top of his list?

I want to thank all of you for your comments on the previous chapter, they really made me happy :')

Well drop a vote if you enjoyed this chap and the next chapter will be up in perhaps 10-12 hrs from now. (My classes for the new semester have started, so I gotta make a few adjustments, so the update times might vary, sorry about that.)

Thanks for reading this chapter <3

Stay safe, lots of love, happy reading ♡