So debonair,

I stood there like a greek god statue in the dimly lit nightclub.

I was a private detective looking to get laid on a Friday night! What else
is there to do? Huh?

I was leaning on the wall, handsome, suave,

sophisticated, dressed to kill, looking so worldly and cultured.

Every woman in the dark, smokey club wanted to take me home for sure.

Of this I was certain...

I put some lifesavers in my mouth, puckering my lips, ready for some action...

I casually glance around the room giving them all the eye candy they could ever possibly dream of.

I remove my imported Italian,Tortoise comb from my expensive

Brunello Cucinelli’s

Italian three piece suit
running it across my balding scalp.

I pause letting this mouth watering scene soak inside their minds and deep burning desires.

Grabbing my gold 14kt walking cane, I glide like a cat,

well, ahh..

I actually hobbled

across the room looking
to talk to a gorgeous, beautiful woman sitting at a posh table with her girlfriends.

I was limping because of
a injury suffered chasing
my chickens around
the backyard earlier that day...

Anyway...

I stared seductively into
her luscious eyes and whispered,

"Hey beautiful, let's blow
this joint and go back to
my place for some fried
spam washed down with
some diet coke!"

Later on we'll have some
Mad Dog 20 20 wine to top off the night and put you in the proper mood.

What do ya say honey?

I gave her a sexy wink and pursed my lips at her smiling...

She leaned in towards me
and quietly whispered,

"You have some drool
running down your chin."

"Oh!"

Sorry about that, I said,
wiping it off with my tie,

my name is Frank,

what's your name sweety?

Actually, we already knew each other, her name was Julia,

one of the biggest bootleggers in the town.

No one would believe that a beautiful woman could also be a moonshiner too!

She said, "What's wrong
with your lips?"

Are you feeling okay?

I must say you are one handsome dick!

"Oh!"

I mean a handsome detective!

"So you figured it out all by your lonesome self, huh Julia?"

The last thing I remember about you is that I slipped on your bra and fell into a booby trap!

Oh, said Julia, "Well, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve seen paper clips bigger and wider than your dick."

I said, "Ok, time out!"

Truce...

Look, I know that you are
one of the biggest, bold bootleggers in this county

and I thought I would warn you that the feds are closing in on your moon lighting operations.

"Listen, said Julia,

how do I know that this isn't a trap!"

And when I get to my stills the Revenue agents are already there waiting.

Ahh, you cut me to the quick Julia, you know I'm sweet on you, that's why I'm trying to protect my favorite gal!

"Well, how come you ditch me for that ugly polecat of a woman named Katie that had you by the nose hairs?"

Aww, shucks darling,
she meant nothing to me, she was just a pit stop.

You're the love of my life!

© Charles Kemp