I watch from across the table as Addy rubs Thomas' arm and leans her head on his shoulder. Jealousy pricks in my chest and I have to remind myself that he's her brother. I look back at my food and force some of it down. I don't have much more of an appetite than Tommy, but I know that we've both gotta eat something and we'll just feel worse if we don't.

I gesture with my eyebrows at Tommy's plate and inform him of this. "You gotta eat. Playin' with your food doesn't do ya any good."

He pulls his arm out from Addy's grasp gently to pick up his food and it brings me a strange sense of satisfaction. I try to convince myself that the satisfaction is from Tommy listening to me, but I know I'm kidding myself.

I finish my food and stand up, announcing, "I'd better get back to work."

"Oh, ok." Is that a hint of disappointment in Addy's eye? I want it to be. Gosh, I'm hopeless, aren't I? I shake myself. Working will help beat the thoughts out of my head. Before heading to the Gardens, I head to check on the Med-Jacks and see if they need help.

Alby lies on the bed asleep and it pains me to see him that way. Only a few days ago, it was Ben on the bed and Alby was by my side helping. My stomach turns thinking about how Ben ended up and I turn green when my mind wanders to how he became that way. The thoughts pull away another layer from the bottom of the emotional sink hole I'm trapped inside and I have to step out of the room to keep the tears back. I don't want to cry. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to-

"You alright, Newt?" Clint asks as he returns with Alby's water and soup.

I nod solemnly. Why do I always feel like this? Why am I the only one? Clint furrows his eyebrows. I don't want him to worry so I pull out the well worn mask of happiness and smile to convince him. "Just going to head to the Gardens and help out there unless you need anything here."

The other boy nods but doesn't look entirely convinced. "Alright. We're fine here for now. Thanks."

"Sounds good. Let me know if you need help." I walk away without waiting for a reply so I don't have to keep the facade on for too long. It's exhausting. But hiding only drags me further into the pit of depression.

---

First thing in the morning, I have the duty of fulfilling Tommy's punishment for going into the Maze and escort him to the Slammer. I wish Alby were here to do it. My chest aches in worry for my friend. I don't want him to go crazy again and try to strangle himself or go completely mad like Ben and- no. No, I won't think of that.

"Have fun." I shut the door of the Slammer and pop my head in the barred window to apologize to Tommy. Can't be fun in there but order has got to be maintained.

I leave the other boy to his day of boredom and head once again to the Med-bay. Jeff meets me at the door and takes the question right out of my mouth. "He's doing fine. Clint and I are thinking we'll let him go today. He's just resting until after breakfast, which is what I'm getting right now."

The other boy slips around me and I thank him. If Alby's alright, there's not much left for me to do. I'm sure I can find some sort of work to do. There's always places to help around, speaking of which, Addy still hasn't gotten a Keeper yet. The girl has been avoiding working with the Slicers and found a way to slip around any job since her second day.

"There you are!" I jog to catch up with the brunette when I see her walking towards the Slammer.

Addy turns. "Hey Newt!" Her right thumb starts tracing circles on her other hand when she notices me. I've noticed her doing it before, especially when she's nervous. I wonder if I make her nervous, but can't think of any reason why. "What's up?"

"I was just realizing that you don't have a job yet."

Her face breaks into a sheepish smile. "Oh, don't worry. I do."

I raise a brow. "Is that so? And what might that be?"

"I have to entertain Tommy. We don't want him getting bored. Every job is an important one, right?" Addy shrugs dramatically as if to say 'it's out of my hands' while she informs me with an impish look about her.

I roll my eyes at her attempt. "Really? That's too bad. Winston was really looking forward to teaching you a thing or two about slicing. I'd hate to be the one to break it to him that you're blowing him off."

"Oh no!" She says with her mouth drawn in a thin line of disgust, sarcastically waving her arms in mock distress. "Maybe next time. You'll have to apologize on my behalf." She turns on her heel, but I grab her arm to stop her.

"Your brother will be fine," I assure her. "I don't want to be the bad guy, but everyone's gotta do there part. We've gotta have two things, trust and order."

She pouts and changes tactics. "I haven't helped Frypan in the Kitchens. I like cooking." She looks up at me with her head tilted in an imploring manner.

I scoff, "I'm not sure Frypan'll ever let you back in his precious kitchen."

"Yeah, because if you," she accuses, poking my chest in emphasis.

I hold my hands up in surrender and chuckle. "You're the one who thought it'd be a good idea to try baking something! I warned you that I'm lacking in that skill."

Addy playfully smacks my arm and pulls out a pouty face. "Please?"

I shake my head but it takes an immense amount of self restraint. Her forest green eyes sparkle with mischief and I want to drown in them, but I can't. Why does she have such an effect on me? Luckily for me, I've learned how to hide my feelings well and she doesn't see the heat warming my face or the slight trembling of my hands. "If I let you do what you want, it'd tell the other boys that I'm playing favorites. Leaders aren't supposed to have favorites."

"Oh," Addy says, wiggling her eyebrows. "So I'm your favorite now?"

"Gosh," I sigh, face palming. "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

Addy giggles and nods, but I just shake my head and place a hand in her back, guiding her towards the Bloodhouse. Touching her sends electricity tingling down my spine and I fear she can hear the pounding of my heart but she doesn't react. "C'mon luv."

"No!" Addy complains. "I hate blood! I can't murder innocent animals! I'll never be able to eat again. Don't make me, please!"

I sigh. She's being very difficult and I don't want to force her, but I do have to do my job and this is it. "Then you'll get it over with it and never have to go back, but everyone has to try it! I've already told you that everyone has to do their part and that means doing your job!"

"Well, what's your part? Maybe I can job shadow you!" Addy suggests. "What sort of things do you do?"

"That's... not really... how it works," I sigh, scratching head.

"Why not?"

I muss my blonde hair as I respond. "Being second-in-command isn't one of the jobs that you test for. Ya just, I don't know, get it."

I really hope she doesn't ask how I got the job. I don't want to tell her about my limp. I don't want her too look at me differently the way Alby, Minho, and the Med-jacks do. They're the only ones who know. Minho was the one who found me. After that, my limp wouldn't allow me to continue being a Runner so Alby took me in as second in command since it was not very labor intensive and I was one of the most responsible shanks in the Glade. I help around wherever I'm needed, but I usually make sure I'm only needed in the Gardens and occasionally the Med-bay. Luckily for me, Addy doesn't ask about all of that.

"Well, then if you won't let me do what I want and you won't let me work with you, why don't you come work with me?" Addy suggests. All of the sudden her playful, teasing manner freezes into an icy shell of reserve and nervousness. Her head bows a little, but her eyes peek up at my beneath her long, dark lashes.

I blink twice, startled a bit by her sudden change in personality, but I brush it off with a smile. Her idea seems fun, actually, and fun isn't something I find often. I'm sure I could if I tried, but it seems worthless knowing the ecstacy will just fade away as soon as I'm no longer distracted by it. Higher highs only make lower lows, but this time, it's different. What harm can come of it?

"Sure," I say before I have time to think about it.

Addy smiles widely and it immediately clears my worries. "Let's go then!"

I chuckle softly and follow her towards the Bloodhouse, amused at the thought of how quickly her attitude will change when we actually start. I don't question why she's so excited though. That inquiry lays in the depths of my mind, untouched and concealed in the drape of self-loathing that had been placed there long before I could remember. I couldn't make any that happy. No one could ever like me.