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WARNING: Intense themes

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𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧

Bucharest, Romania

January 2015

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Allie's world seemed a bit greyer with each passing second.

Everything was dimmer. The sun didn't shine as radiantly, the sky wasn't as blue, the city wasn't as pretty. Everything was darker, more sinister and corrupt. This darkness swirled beneath the surface, leaching the joy from the world that Allie lived in. Turning what was once so beautiful into a void of emptiness, reflecting her inner state of turmoil.

Even Bucky's smile lost its brightness.

His smile was more forced when he glanced over at Allie, not filled with that purity that it used to be, that simplistic joy. He was trying to play the oblivious facade, trying to remain unaffected. But failing rather miserably.

She assumed it was because he was afraid of her. That he was afraid of the monster that lurked beneath her exterior. Afraid of the soldier that HYDRA had cultivated. Because who wouldn't be?

She was afraid of herself. Afraid of the power that she held, that she struggled to control even on her best days. She was scared of relapsing, exactly like she had done a few days ago. Because her relapse wasn't just a minor setback, it wasn't something that she could just brush aside as think that 'I'll do better next time.'

No, she had murdered 20 people. Taken their lives within the blink of an eye, silencing their beating hearts with an exhale of breath. She had sentenced them to death like an executioner, holding no rational thought as she swung the sword. Watching the light leave their eyes as their bodies turned ever still.

And she was drowning in guilt.

A tidal wave of depression had swept her off her feet without notice, plunging her body under the frozen water. The air was knocked from her lungs as the ice-cold water washed over her, rendering her body immobile as she sank. The world seemed to fade as she began to struggle against the current, fighting to keep her head above the surface. Fighting for the sliver of oxygen to soothe her aching lungs begging for relief.

But instead, it seemed that with each passing second she fell further and further away. Sinking into the depths of her despair with no path of return. Watching as her surroundings turned into darkness as she pushed against the water. The weight beginning to crush her fragile body until it became too hard to continue fighting.

And she couldn't find any way back up to the surface before that last breath fell from her lips. Succumbing to the void of infinite night.

That's what life felt like for Allie, constantly plunging further into the darkness. Struggling with every last breath to no avail. She just kept sinking and sinking. Falling further away from the person that she was. Drowning in her depression.

And Bucky didn't know what to do.

He had managed to steer her away from the destruction she created, leading her into the subway where they boarded the next train to Bucharest. And for the entire 9-hour train ride, she sat in complete silence. Gazing out the window into the distance with tears falling soundlessly from her eyes.

Eventually, the tears had stopped dropping and she was rendered completely catatonic. She didn't move or speak. She just stared out the window and got lost in her mind, a place that Bucky couldn't save her from.

When they arrived at Bucharest, Bucky had guided her off the train. Wrapping his metal arm around her body securely and pulling her into his side. Immediately he led her towards the city center, looking for a place to call home again.

He managed to get them a crappy apartment, bargaining with the owner that they will have the downpayment by the end of the week. He knew there was no way Allie was going to use her powers to pay for it so he took what he could get. And that was a run down, hole in the wall apartment in the outskirts of the city.

It was definitely not very friendly to the eye. It featured cracking walls, moldy ceilings, and boarded up windows. The carpet was littered with odd stains and the TV looked like it was out of the '50s. Their bed was quite literally a mattress in the corner of the room and the couch was too small to fit either of them.

It was seemingly uninhabitable, but Bucky wasn't going to make Allie use her powers to get a nicer room. Which meant that he would just have to 'warm-up' to his new home.

As soon as they had entered the room, Allie detached herself from Bucky for the first time in 12 hours. She immediately walked over to the mattress and curled up on it, facing the wall to avoid his penetrating stare. She didn't utter a single word as she did so, surprising Bucky who had gotten used to the feeling of her tucked into his body.

He had been prepared for tears, for screams, for a fight of some kind. He was ready to console her sadness and tame her anger. He was ready to reassure her fears and talk her out of the headspace she was in.

But what he wasn't prepared for was the silence. He had no clue how to stop the internal emotions that were consuming her. He didn't know how to counter the words running through her mind like a carousel. He didn't know how to save her from herself.

He had tried talking to her, trying to get her to open up and get some form of verbal response from her. But he didn't get a mumble or an even an acknowledgment that she had been listening to him.

He felt like screaming at her, pleading for to just say something. Beg her to just let him help, to let him soothe her tears or use him as a punching bag. He wished that she would just do something. But he never said anything because he didn't know what to do if she did speak.

And now he was close to giving up.

It had been three days since he last heard her melodious voice. Since her saw her bright smile. Since he saw her happy. For three days she had stayed in an almost comatose state, only moving when Bucky forced her to drink or go to the bathroom. She didn't sleep, she didn't eat, she didn't talk.

She had become a shell of the person that she was.

She felt bad for Bucky. She appreciated him trying to help, forcing her to take a shower and making her at least drink some water. And she couldn't even bring herself to thank him. She already struggled with doing the things that he made her do. Seeing food made her feel nauseous and trying to shower left her scrubbing her skin raw to try and rid herself from the blood on her hands.

Her body was begging for sleep. It had just gotten used to getting a few hours every night thanks to Allie forcing herself to start a semi-normal routine. But now, she was scared of what she would see if she did close her eyes. She knew she would be taken back there. She would be forced to relive that moment again. So she forced herself to stay awake.

And lo and behold, her assumption was right.

Her mind was tired, it ached with the need to succumb to sleep. Her eyes drifted shut before she forced them back open. With each attempt, her eyes remaining closed for longer. It was a routine, but she still tried to fight it. She had begged herself not to fall asleep and she thought that her will would be enough. That her fear would overpower her need rest.

But finally, her body won, and Bucky couldn't have been more glad.

He had barely slept the last 3 days, trying to remain awake just in case Allie needed him. He knew that it would be highly unlikely that she did, but he couldn't risk it. If he was asleep when she finally spoke, he wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt. So he waited patiently for her to say something, trying to ignore how much it pained him to do so.

He would always wait for her and this time it was no different.

But seeing her finally sleep brought him some comfort. He knew that she needed sleep which is why he had curled up on the tiny couch, letting her have the mattress to herself. Even though he didn't fit on the couch at all which irritated him beyond belief, he felt a wave of relief overcome him when he heard her breathing even out. A small smile pulled at his lips when he heard her soft snores, a sound that he hadn't heard for quite some time.

But alas, he didn't realize that her seemingly peaceful sleep was plagued with night terrors.

She was back there. She was strapped to that barbaric contraption, confined so tightly her limbs began to throb. She could see Mikael standing in the room, whispering into the scientists' ear who held the controls over the machine in his hand. And with a curt nod from Mikael, the terrifying device was lowered over her gaunt face.

And the pain started.

Electricity pulsated, radiated and seared through every nerve and muscle in her body. Her guttural cries fell over deaf ears as she was forced to sit and writhe in utter agony. She could feel her body's involuntary convulsions to the electric shocks, reeling from the unforgiving pain.

Every second of the torture felt like a millennia's worth of agony. An agony so unadulterated that it left her with hot tears rolling from her dark eyes and inarticulate screams pouring past her cracked lips.

But whilst the electricity poured through her body, her mind flashed white. At first, she was not quite sure what was going on. Then her vision cleared and she stood frozen, almost as if she was a ghost in her own body.

She stood over a man's body, donning her old HYDRA uniform. Trickery's uniform. The man at her feet shouted plea after plea, begging to be spared. He reeked of alcohol and his suit was dirtied with his own blood. He screamed for mercy, and he was granted it. She gave him a quick death, severing the connection between his brain and body.

It was Mr. Cartwright, her first victim.

But as his body fell limp, it changed. His masculine features shifted into that of a young girl. Her dark eyes were locked on Allie's, devoid of all life. Her body hit the ground, falling into a pool of blood.

It was Mr. Cartwright's daughter, the collateral damage.

Then the scene changed again. She was in some common room, occupied by a small number of S.H.I.E.L.D agents. An old man stood amongst them, drinking from his piping hot drink. She felt her body move towards him despite her screams of protest. And with but a blink of an eye, she stops the beating of his heart.

It was Mr. Davis, her second target.

She felt her body collapse. But instead of hitting the carpet floor, her knees hit concrete. The wind whipped at her face as she held a sniper in her delicate hands, her thumb poised over the trigger. Aiming at a smiling politician who was addressing a large crowd out the front of the Chrysler building. She pulled down on the trigger, hearing the deafening blast of the bullet being released from its chamber. The shell clattered to the concrete floor as the bullet hurtled towards its target, striking true.

Killing Mr. Foreman, her third victim.

And just like that, she was thrust between memories of her targets. Every single person she killed under HYDRA's orders. One after another she watched their deaths. She watched herself murder them mercilessly and impassively. There were too many for her to remember. But that didn't stop the guilt from piling up.

With each memory, she felt herself scream. She begged herself to stop, to spare them. She tried to stop herself from moving, from using her powers. She tried to stop herself from killing them. But she couldn't, because this was her past.

Then she was back there, back in that building. Standing over the destruction she created. There was blood everywhere, tainting everything with its scarlet coloring and acrid stench. The bodies laid between pools of the red substance, dripping from their bodies with audible splashes.

But no longer where the bodies in their HYDRA uniforms. They were wearing everyday clothes, brimming with colors and patterns. Their HYDRA insignia was gone and they looked like everyday people, people she would pass walking down the street.

Because they were just people. They weren't just soldiers or assassins for HYDRA. They were doing their jobs. Just like she did and just as Trickery did.

So she screamed.

She screamed and screamed. Writhing in agony as she relived her own memories. As she relived her past that HYDRA had hidden from her. As she relived all the horrors she caused.

But that was until she was jerked from her sleep by the sound of a loud voice screaming her name.

"Allie!"

At the sound of the noise, her eyes whipped open, flashing vibrantly silver. A shriek slipped past her rosy lips as she awoke, completely unaware of her surroundings. The darkness made it hard for her to analyze her location, only being able to slightly make out the outlines of objects.

But it felt unfamiliar to her. As did the hands wrapped around her shoulders, shaking her awake. A heavy weight was pinning her body down, holding her against the bed.

And she wanted it off.

Without a second thought, she attacked the person on top of her. Remembering the feeling of electricity running through her body, she sentenced the person to the same fate. She let the electric currents flow through their body, frying their nerves beyond recognition.

She felt their body fall off her, tumbling to the floor with a thud. She heard the screams fall from their mouth, guttural and rough. Almost shaking the room with its intensity. But she didn't stop when the person fell off her body, she kept the pain going, making them suffer

She finally felt as if she could breathe, that HYDRA had released her from its grasp. Tears fell from her silver eyes, her entire body shaking and obscuring her eyesight.

Everything hurt. The pain of her memories, of the electricity that felt so very real running through her body, the realization of her past. It combined to create this tidal wave of agony, engulfing her body and attacking her with potent force.

But letting the power out made it better. It gave her temporary relief, a reprieve from the all-consuming pain.

"Allie stop!"

That's all it took for her to be awoken from her daze overcome with horror. She immediately dropped her illusion, pushing herself into the corner of the room as she gaped at the scene in front of her.

Before he laid Bucky, his entire body shaking as he finally let out a sigh of relief, no longer feeling the electricity course through his body. Electricity that Allie created. Pain that she made him endure.

"I'm sorry!" She cried out, tears falling from her now guilt-ridden eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry..."

She kept repeating the words, over and over as she wrapped her hands around her body. It became a mantra almost as she began to rock herself back and forth, tearing her eyes away from Bucky's who gazed at her sympathetically.

"Allie." He called out, wincing slightly as he got up to his feet and walked towards her, not failing to notice her slight flinch at the action. "Doll, look at me."

"No! Get away from me." She sobbed, pushing herself further into the corner and away from him. "I could hurt you."

Bucky, who was still reeling from the after-effects of her manipulation, shook his head as he crouched down beside her. "Doll, you won't hurt me."

"I just did! I nearly killed you!" She shouted, her hands pulling at her dark tendrils of her. She felt guilt consume her, reminding her of the monster that she was. How truly evil and corrupt she had become.

"But you didn't."

"I could have. I don't know why I didn't." She shouted. "Do you know how easy it is for me to kill someone? I don't need to pull a trigger. It's easier than throwing a punch. I can narrow in on your brain and just sever the connection. I don't even need to think about it."

She felt guilt welling in her throat, making it harder to speak with each word. She should have killed him. That's what her mind was programmed to do. To kill was the only thing she was taught, and she didn't know why the hell she didn't just kill Bucky.

"And that's what should have happened. You could have just died all because of me." She whispered.

"But I didn't Allie. I am still alive." Bucky argued, reaching to take ahold of her hand.

"You don't get it!" Allie cried, pulling her hand away as if his touch had burnt her. "I am dangerous! I can't even control myself. I can't be around people, I am too much of a liability. I'll kill them, I'll kill you." She rambled.

"Allie, stop." Bucky told her.  "We can fix this okay? You just need time to heal, time to realize that you are not at HYDRA anymore. We can—"

"I can't be fixed!" She shouted, cutting him off. "I am broken Bucky. I am unfixable."

"HYDRA broke me."

. ☾ .

Allie's mood had drastically gotten worse after her nightmare.

She was back to refusing to sleep, this time more scared for Bucky's wellbeing than her nightmares. She still continued to not eat and she barely drunk any water or cared for herself at all.

That drowning feeling that she had felt increased tenfold after that night. It felt like weights were tied around her ankles, pulling her further and faster into the depths of her despair. With nothing to see except the flashes of all her victims passing through her head. Now with names to add to their faces.

Her guilt still hadn't dissipated. It ate at her being, constantly reminding her that she had hurt Bucky. The one person that she swore to never harm, and look how quickly she had gone back on her word. She had no excuse for her actions.

The only thing that even remotely made her feel better was that she hadn't killed him.

Her powers scared her, now more than ever.

At HYDRA, she was always taught that she should be proud of her powers, proud of how easily she could kill and hurt people. But now, she was ashamed. The fact that she could kill 20 people within a second and nearly accidentally killed the one person she cared for, scared the absolute daylights out of her.

And she couldn't forgive herself for it, for either of those things.

The last words she had spoken to Bucky was that he was to never wake her up again. She told him that if he wanted to stay alive, he needed to get the hell away from her if she was having a nightmare. That he should sit outside their apartment in the hallway just to be safe.

Of course, he had argued against that. But Allie quickly retreated back to her silent state, not accepting any other words from him. And that was their life for the next few days, the two of them living in silence, not speaking to each other. Bucky tried to care for as best as he could, but he didn't know what to do. He could only do so much, and watching her kill herself with guilt was beginning to eat away at him.

That was until this morning when Bucky decided that he couldn't stay cooped up in the apartment anymore.

"Allie, do you need anything from the store?" He spoke, putting the small amount of change into his leather wallet. The two of them did a double-take at the sound, neither of them used to hearing anything other than silence.

Bucky didn't expect a response from her but he made sure to ask anyway. At least letting her know that he was going out. Knowing that it was the decent thing to do.

"No, I'm good." She croaked, her voice hoarse from the lack of use.

Bucky's eyes flew open in surprise and he nearly gasped at her words. Hearing her voice again was like music to his ears, finally bringing back some liveliness to his previously dreary life. He had been expecting more silence, maybe a nod of acknowledgment if he was lucky. But instead, he hit the jackpot.

He quickly covered it up by clearing his throat and asking her another question, praying that the silence wouldn't come back. That Allie was finally ready to talk.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?"

"Yes." She responded plainly.

"C'mon Allie, just come with me. You could use some fresh air." He pleaded softly.

"I'm fine where I am." She spoke, her eyes still trained on the cracking wallpaper.

"Allie please, just come outside for a few minutes." Bucky begged, trying to quell the rising frustration in his body.

Even though he was grateful that she was speaking to him again, he couldn't help but feel angry at her actions. He knew that it wasn't her fault for hurting him. As soon as he saw her face after she did it, he had known that she wasn't in control of her actions. And he forgave her then and there.

But the guilt that she carried around for it, pushing him away and letting herself suffer, that made him angry. Not accepting the help that they both knew she needed infuriated him.

"I said I am fine."

And that set Bucky off because she was most definitely not fine. He was frustrated with himself, with not knowing how to help her. Not knowing how to deal with what she was going through. He had never been put in this situation before and he had no clue how to get it across to Allie that what she was doing was unhealthy.

But he was also frustrated with her. Frustrated that she was not thinking of how her actions were affecting him. He knew that it was beyond selfish of him to think this way but he couldn't help it. Here he was, trying to look after her and help heal her scars and she wouldn't even talk. She pushed and pushed him away and he had had enough.

"You are far from fine." He replied, watching as an enraged fire grew in Allie's chocolate eyes.

"How would you know? You know nothing about how I'm feeling." She spat, turning her gaze over to Bucky who stood over the dining table.

"Don't forget that I went through this as well. You are not the only one who has suffered." He corrected.

"I know that! But you have been out for months, whereas I have only been free for a few weeks." She growled.

"So listen to me when I say that you can't just dwell on the past." He bit back. "You need to start moving on."

"Don't talk to me about moving on. I am trying, which is exactly why I went and saw Steve." She snarled, anger flaring within her, turning the words on her lips into venom.

"And look how well that turned out." He muttered beneath his breath.

"Excuse me?" Allie sneered. "I went to him so that I could try and remember you." She said accusingly.

"I never asked you to do that."

"I did it because I am sick of being left in the dark. Being told stories that I should know considering I feature in all of them." She spat.

"It takes time Allie." He spoke exasperatedly.

"I don't have time!"

"You have plenty of time." Bucky shook his head.

"No, I don't. I lost so much time because of HYDRA and I refuse to waste anymore." She snapped.

"There is no rushing the process Allie, I don't know how many times I have to tell you that." He told her, trying to keep his own anger from seeping into his voice.

"Well it's clearly not working so stop telling me then." She scoffed.

"You need to have some pat—"

"I swear, if you finish that sentence with the word patience, I will cut my own ears off my head and then carve away at your mouth so you are never are able to utter that word again." She threatened, a murderous look passing over her face.

"For god's sake, why don't you listen to me!" Bucky shouted, more so to himself than her.

"I'm not going to listen to someone who shies away from their past." She growled.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He spoke between clenched teeth, a furious look capturing his previously tired face.

"Steve has been searching for you for months. And yet here you are, remembering everything about him. Cowardly choosing to let him suffer." She taunted.

"Don't you dare call me cowardly." Bucky snarled. "We both know its better for him to stay away from us."

"But you could at least afford him the decency of knowing that you are alive." She snapped, pushing herself up to her feet.

"He is doing fine without me." Bucky countered, glaring at Allie in fury.

"Steve has lost everything. He is not just fine." She barked, striding towards him.

"And what have I lost huh?" Bucky questioned angrily.

"I never said you didn't lose everything too." She corrected, holding his enraged gaze.

"No but here you are, already choosing Steve over me." Bucky growled, not bothering to disguise the hurt in his voice as he spoke.

"I am not choosing anyone! I am just saying that he should at least know you are alive." She countered, feeling her anger falter slightly at his words.

"Yeah, and what good did seeing Steve do to you?" Bucky asked mockingly. "It's not like the first night back from Steve's that you had a nightmare and nearly killed me."

His last words hung in the air poisonously. Bucky knew that he regretted his words, but he was too angry to consider the real consequences of saying them. Too enraptured with animosity to think clearly.

Allie, who had almost felt bad for Bucky, felt her empathy dissipate immediately, quickly replaced by unadulterated rage. It was if her vision turned red, focused solely on the man standing directly in front of her. Ready to make him regret even speaking to her.

"But you know what, at least I wasn't too afraid to go out of my comfort zone and see him. I wasn't too much of a coward to stay home at shy away from reality." She snarled, gritting her teeth in anger.

"You know nothing about my reality." Bucky bit back. "You don't have to hear their screams. You don't see the things I did. You don't have to relive the experiences every time you close your eyes."

"You don't think I hear their screams?" Allie said incredulously. "I may not remember everything yet, but the stuff that I know now is already enough to give me nightmares. I hear screams, I see blood, I know the destruction that I caused. It's hard not to when they are the things that keep me up at night because I was the one who killed them."

Her words rendered Bucky silent, striking him so deeply that he begun to question whether she was right after all. That he truly didn't understand what she was going through at all.

"So don't say I don't know what it's like because I know just as well as anyone."

And those were her last words before she deliberately pushed past Bucky's shoulder and left their shit-hole of an apartment. Walking out on Bucky without a glance back.

. ☾ .

Hey loves!

Sorry for the extremely depressing and emotional chapter. Some very strong themes were mentioned in here and I just want to let you guys know if anyone is feeling this way, please reach out to someone. It could be me, your best friend, a random, a counselor, a teacher, your partner, it can be anyone. Just don't let unsaid words dictate your life.

This chapter is very necessary because it would not be accurate to have Allie go through life without any real effects of her past. For somebody to have gone through so much and not have any guilt or PTSD would be absolutely unbelievable. So I know there wasn't a lot of action or fluff in this chapter, but this stuff had to go down for Allie's coming character development.

Anyway, I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone for getting Tricks to 48K and Trickery to 9K reads. I say this everytime but it honestly blows my mind that there are so many of you reading my books. I owe you all a huge thank you and I am sending virtual hugs to you all!!!

Without further ado, onto the questions!

1. What did you think of the chapter?

2. What would you like to see next?

3. Do you have any constructive criticism of the book so far?

4. Have you guys got pets?

Until next time!

- Grace x