By the time it's April, we still haven't figured things out.

I've went out for dinner with my father and his son Chuck, I've spent some nights at Mom's house during winter break, I've spent Christmas with both my family and friends, I've realized my old friends finally decided to leave me alone—I've finished everything except for my business with the one that's constantly on my mind.

I do like Sander. His stupid facts, his random comments, his change of moods, his awful questions, his boldness, selflessness, everything.

I catch myself smiling when he brings up another 'fact of the day' or when he writes in that new notebook. Other times, I wish he'd stop being so... Sander. It makes my thoughts tangle.

"Newt, you listening?" Sonya asks.

"Huh?" I blink, rubbing my eyes. Rain streaks the window beside us, and I pray it's the last day with bad weather before spring rolls in.

"I asked if you're coming to Sander's thing tonight. That debate he's been going on about for weeks."

I rub my neck. "I guess so. I'll ask if Minho and Thomas want to join."

Her face brightens. "Oh, it's been ages since I saw them! Was Christmas the last time? Maybe. I don't know. You should definitely bring them. And bring some flowers for Sander. You two should get together already."

"I don't think that will happen, Sonya."

"What do you mean?" The delighted expression falls from her face. "He's liked you since forever, and you also like him. I know you do."

"Maybe, but it's not enough. He made me change and that's good, yet he doesn't seem to like it that much. Now we're just roommates who sometimes talk. It's fine like this."

"No, it's not." She frowns. "You need to figure it out. Now. Your spring finals are in four weeks and after that, you have three months of no school. You probably won't see him for a long time. Next year, you might not even share a dorm. You'll ruin your chances."

✧

A week after the debate, I have gathered enough courage and plop down next to him on the couch.

"You ready for your exams?" I wonder subtly.

"Yeah, I think so. And you?"

"I think so, too. But still got three weeks left to study."

The exams are cumulative, so we need to study quite a lot. But I don't mind. Better than the exams at high school.

"So... we've given it time," I then say. "Have you decided something? Anything?"

A sigh leaves his mouth, and I think that says enough.

I avert my eyes, swallowing. I want to start something with him but I also don't, and I'm not sure which idea is decided by my heart or head. Maybe both of them are decided by both.

"I don't think it'll work out. I mean, we've been... through a lot together, I guess, but we're not really... we're not made for each other in that way. I don't like you in that way."

Even though I knew it was coming, it hits me like a dagger in the heart. "Sonya says you've liked me for many years? What changed?"

"You did."

"But... so I didn't change for the good?" I stammer.

"You did change for the good and I'm glad you did. I'm the problem—"

"No. Don't say that."

"Well, it's true," he responds. "You changed and you're an amazing person, but romantically, you're not for me. Not anymore."

"But I was an awful person before!"

Sander shrugs, letting go of another breath. "Told you I'm the problem."

"Are you hearing yourself?" I straighten my back. Stare at him. "Did you even think this through while we took distance?"

He stares back as if he's not being absurd. "Here." He grabs the leather notebook off the dresser and hands it to me. "See how much I thought it through."

✧

I find comfort in unattainable figures because that's the only kind of figure that has ever been in my life.

I create unhealthy fixations on "what I can't have". To me, the old Newt was a challenge, and maybe a made-up version.

A person I admired from afar and imagined to be perfect for me. Always harsh, always dominant, always telling me what to do like everyone has been doing all my life.

Over time, the illusion shattered because Newt became a better person. A flawed human. My feelings weren't rooted in genuine love for Newt as a person, but rather in the idealized version I had built in my mind.

The old Newt echoed the patterns I was familiar with and I climbed to that until it was no longer possible. He no longer aligned with my idea of him and I admired him less, but also more, if you know what I mean. Such a big change is still amazing and I'm glad he changed.

And now I am unable to yearn for him in the same way. I'm still trying to figure out why that is, because he's a good person, but at least I put these thoughts down to look back on, maybe a few years later, when I am ready to start something with him.