Sander's still not talking to me. I told him about how I will never hang out with those boys again, but he refuses to listen. I guess he's gotten enough of it. He no longer cares—I've officially ruined all my chances.

Yet I cannot let go of him. Maybe we won't ever have a real conversation again, but I can still be there for him somehow.

So I'm at his house once again, groceries in my hands. Ringing the doorbell feels awkward: the door is wide open. Loud, screeching cries echo through the dark hallway.

Worry fills me from bottom to top. "Claire?" I yell. "Ledger?" I pause shortly, only to hear nothing. "Are you there?!" No reply again.

Hesitantly, I step inside. "Hello?!" I scream, louder this time.

"Newt?" That's Claire.

She comes running out of the living room, cheeks stained with tears. Her hair's a total mess. She's barely wearing warm clothes, compared to the October weather.

"Claire," I gulp, catching her in my arms. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

She sobs into my shoulder. "Bard and Ledger won't stop crying! I don't know where Krista is and Melvin locked himself inside his room!"

Frowning, I tighten my arms around her. "Where's your mom?"

"I don't know!" She cries even louder. "She left a few hours after Sander dropped Ledger and I off."

I nearly drop her. "What? You've been alone for five full days? Did you even eat? And how long has Krista been gone for?"

"This morning. I think she went to school. I can't reach the food! It's too high!" She stumbles over her words, tears wetting my shirt.

"Oh." I swallow. "It's okay. Just let me help."

I put her down. She takes my hand, holding it tight as we walk into the kitchen. A baby sits there, barely a year old. He's crying his eyes out. I take him out of the chair right before he falls off.

"I'm sorry," Claire wails. "I couldn't hold him up and he already fell a few times!"

"It's okay, it's okay." I squeeze her hand. "Don't panic. I'm here now."

"Noot!" Ledger screams, his hands high up in the air. He squeals excitedly, but even his watery eyes are unmissable.

"How old is Melvin again? And Krista?"

"Ten and thirteen."

I nod. "Okay. Eh... I brought some fruit. I'll mash a banana for Bard and you two can eat it on your own while I go call someone, yeah?"

"Call Mommy?" Ledger wonders, eyes big.

"Later. Go sit on the couch for now." I make sure Bard is steady, too, before I mash the banana into a soft puree. I hand it to him, too hurried to care if he's even capable of eating that. Claire and Ledger take their own banana and begin eating.

It takes a few minutes of searching before I find the right number.

Elmsville child support services.

✧

I clear my throat once I'm back at the dorm, many hours later. "Sander?"

He barely glances at me before turning his eyes back to the screen of his laptop, as if I'm not even there. "What?" His tone is sharp, but at least it's a response.

My heart still races from the chaos at his house. "I went to your place today."

That gets his attention. His fingers freeze above the keyboard, his jaw tightening. "Why?"

"Your siblings, all of them, were alone, Sander. For days. Your mom wasn't there, Krista was disappeared, and Claire was freaking out. It almost got them starved."

He slams the laptop shut, the sound echoing through the dorm. "Don't talk about my family like you know them."

"Look. It's okay now," I continue calmly. "They're fine and all settled."

He glares at me. Slowly. "What did you do?"

I hesitate. "I called child support services."

The color drains from his face. "You what?"

"They needed help, Sander. They were alone for five days! Bard could've gotten seriously hurt, and Claire was falling apart trying to keep things together. I couldn't just walk away."

He stares at me as if I just murdered those kids. "And you didn't think of calling me before you did that?"

"I couldn't think it through—it was too much. All of them were crying. There was no time to waste."

"Oh, so you leave them at some random place? Without anyone's permission or anything at all?"

"They'll be okay," I insist sternly. "You can visit them all you want. They just need to be at a better place."

He shakes his head. But instead of yelling, like I expected him to do, he sinks down onto the couch again, eyes averted. "They'll hate me."

"No, they won't." I frown. "They're just kids. They will get the support they need. You've done so much for them already, but now you don't have to do it on your own anymore."

I hiss lightly as I wash my hands. My hands are bruised and scratched, full of wounds. My jaw's also completely blue and my nose is tender. I have no idea how Mal is doing right now. I try not to think about it too much.

"Can you just... can you just talk to me in a normal manner?" I turn back around. "You heard everything we said yesterday. You know I'm not on their side. So stop acting like I am. Stop acting like I'm still a bad person."

"You have no right to complain after you ignored me for months."

"So what? This is just some kind of punishment for me?"

"Whatever, Newt. Just leave me alone."

"No. Not until I understand what the hell you're trying to reach with this. What're you feeling? Resentment? Fear? You think my changes aren't real? You're angry for holding on so long? What is it?"

"I said whatever," he snaps. "All we ever do is argue anyway. I doubt we've ever had a normal conversation."

"We can avoid that! Right now."

"No." He puts his laptop on his lap again, scrolling through it out of boredom.

"Sander," I say impatiently.

"I'm too drained to entertain your sudden interest," he finally admits, still snarling. "Too tired to engage in a relationship I've already spend so much time in pursuing, even if it's what I once wanted."

"You still have two years left to share this dorm with me. You can't ignore me forever."

"You could, so why can't I?"

"Because we're not the same. You're kind. You're caring. You're not... whatever this version of you is."

He looks up, eyes cold. "I can't even tell which version of you is the real version."

"This version! The version you've wanted me to become—"

"No! I didn't want you to become anything. I wanted you to want to become anything. Don't you understand? But now it seems like you're only doing it for me."

"That's not true. Everyone around me notices that I've changed. It's not just you— but it's you that made me want to become something better. So accept it!"

I sit down next to him. He automatically scoots away, but with broken ribs, there's not a lot he can do. Before I know it, I've ripped the laptop out of his hands, putting it down next to us.

"Please." I look him up and down. His hair's a mess, strands falling into his eyes, and I want so badly to reach over and push it back, let my hand linger against his skin.

Instead, I just sit here. I take in the shape of his jaw, the curve of his lips, the way his fingers twitch against the couch like they're ready to punch me.

It's how he chews the inside of his cheek when he's frustrated, or how he looks at his siblings like they're his whole damn world. I don't know when it started, but I'm trapped.

I always hated the way he looked at me, and now it's me looking at him like that, and him ignoring it.

"Please, Sander." I lean in.