I toss my phone onto the bed and stare at the ceiling. My heart's still pounding and it's not because I fell down the stairs earlier.

It's Newt— stupid how just hearing his voice can mess me up like this. He probably didn't even care that I was on the phone. Sonya had to remind him I exist.

I replay the conversation in my head, remembering every detail. Did I sound pathetic when I mentioned almost dying twice in one day? Probably. Did he laugh at me? I couldn't tell. I think I heard him sigh, but that could've been for any reason. It's Newt. He always sounds like the world is annoying him.

I shake my head and sit up. This is ridiculous. He doesn't care about me. He never has, and he never will.

My phone buzzes next to me. For a second, my breathing hitches, as if it's him. Obviously, it's not. It's just Sonya sending me some random meme about gravity, because of what I said earlier.

He said my name. That's progress, isn't it? Except it didn't mean anything.

I met Newt when I was in sixth grade. Sonya and I had been best friends for about a year by then, and I thought I knew everything about her. Then one afternoon, she invited me to her house, and I realized I didn't.

Newt was sitting at the kitchen table, long legs stretched out under the chair, Sega Game Gear in his hands. He barely looked up when we walked in, but I couldn't stop staring. He was so... cool. Older, taller, chill.

"This is my brother Newt," Sonya said, pointing at him. "Newt, this is Sander."

Newt glanced up briefly, gave me a nod, and muttered, "Nice to meet you." Then he went back to his gaming device.

I didn't have room to be offended. I was too busy trying to figure out how someone could be so effortlessly... everything.

By the time I hit seventh grade, I'd developed a massive crush. I didn't tell anyone, not even Sonya. Especially not Sonya. She would've teased me all the time, and besides, it wasn't like it mattered.

I was just one of Sonya's friends to Newt— still am.

Yet every time I went to Sonya's house, I'd keep an eye out for him. Sometimes he'd pass through the living room without a word. He shared just a quick glance in my direction before he disappeared down the hallway. Other times, he'd sit down for a while, scrolling through his phone.

I'd hang on every word he said, even if it was just a casual comment about school or their mom asking him to take out the trash.

And then there were the rare moments when he'd actually talk to me. They didn't happen often, but when they did, it made my week. Once, he asked me if I wanted a soda while he was raiding the fridge. Another time, he said, "Move over, kid," and sat beside me on the couch to watch TV.

But things changed when Newt started high school.

He got busier, or maybe he just stopped caring. Either way, he didn't talk to me anymore. He never acknowledged me when I came over. Sonya would tell me to just ignore it.

By the time I was in ninth grade, he was a junior.

I still saw him around town sometimes, though. Laughing with his friends, leaning against a car with a cigarette in his hand. He looked so different from the Newt I thought I knew.

I tried telling myself it didn't matter. He didn't care about me, so why would I care about him? But that thought only made it worse.

At home, I couldn't really rely on anything. I have many siblings— an older sister, two little sisters, and three little brothers. One of my little brothers has CD, and one of the little sisters has ODD. It's not hard to figure out who all the attention went to.

I don't really go home during the weekend. My father is always away for work so he can focus on making money. How else would he take care of the five children that still live at home?

In the meanwhile, my mom breeds more. With men who are not my father.

I have a feeling that he knows about this, but he doesn't say anything.

I threatened to tell him, but Mom came up with a lot of excuses. Like, who would pay for everything if our father is gone?

Bored, I walk over to the kitchen. Newt's in our home town now—obviously—so there's no bare girls anywhere. I stay here during the weekends, mostly because of that, and because there will be strange men at my other home anyway.

MEAN HOE

Get up
We're going to walk around the campus with Thomas
We're at your door

I slip my shoes and a jacket on without hesitation. Minho and Thomas are standing side by side, grinning.

"We should—"

Before they can finish, my phone rings. I pick it up with a sigh, "Yeah?"

"I need your help at home. Helen is on vacation and your father is gone for work— you're closest. Ledger and Claire are throwing up everywhere and we've got trouble with bugs. I need someone to do the groceries as well."

I want to protest, but change my mind immediately. Refusing to help will be like killing them. "Eh, yeah, I can catch a train, I guess." 

Mom immediately puts her phone down after that reply, so I do, too, and then give Minho and Thomas a shameful look.

I already met Minho a year ago, when I first started looking through this college. He knows about the situation of my family. But I met Thomas only a few weeks ago. That's the first course of college started. I'm afraid he'll judge.

"I need to help at home. Some of my siblings are sick and my mom can't handle it on her own," I admit.

Minho and Thomas share a glance. "We can come with."

"Oh, no, not necessary," I say fast, shaking my head. The house is dirty, small, and overcrowded. And now the bug problem as well. Minho and Thomas don't have to see that.

"Nah, come on, man. We can help," Minho assures. "The job will be done faster, and we'll be together anyway."

"I'm not sure—"

Thomas slams his hands against my cheeks. "We're going," he confirms, squeezing me like a grandma.

"Don't ever touch my face again."

✧

"So my older sister is twenty. Her name is Helen, and she studies at a university in Canada. Then there's Krista, who's thirteen. Melvin is ten, Claire is six, Ledger is three, and Bard is like a year old or something, I don't know."

"Damn. That indeed is a lot. I'm an only child."

Our eyes automatically trail to Minho.

"Technically, I'm alone, too. But I have a stepsister. My mom already had her when she met my dad."

So that stepsister is in the same position as Newt and Sonya: their father remarried and got another child.

We're waking through the streets of Elmsville right now, on our way to my house. My dorm at Windmere is bigger than the ground floor.

It's built pretty simple. Newt and I have a tiny kitchen on the right, and next to it, there's a couch. On the left, there's two doors. One leads to my bedroom, and the other on leads to Newt's.

We both have another door in our bedrooms. That one leads to the bathroom, which is directly between the two bedrooms. You must go through either my or Newt's room to reach it.

Minho and Thomas share a dorm as well. It's the exact same, except they don't bother each other.

"We need to get rid of some bugs, clean, do the grocery shopping, and take care of my siblings," I say, even more serious now, even though I had expected to be running around the campus with my friends instead of this. "Got that?"

"Yes, sir." Minho nods. "And then we treat ourselves with some good food."

"I still need to apply for a job somewhere, if I have time. Don't have a lot of money right now. Spent everything I had left from my last job," I sigh.

"You can lend it," Thomas offers. For some reason, he's smiling very brightly. "I'll help you go job hunting once we're back at the campus."

✧

A/n: this chapter isn't really a masterpiece but alright, still hope you enjoyed !

Do y'all like this length of chapters or not? I have a feeling it's too short but that might just be me

Have a good day/night!
x Vera