january, 2021
mentions of loss.

Mia sat back in her usual live spot, hands hidden by her sweater paws as she nervously played with the hems of the grey material. a small smile appeared on her face as she watched the viewer count quickly grow.

"hi, MOA~" she began, her voice quiet, as if she was holding tears back. the girl quickly cleared her throat, trying to act as if nothing was wrong.

she was betraying herself — everything was wrong, as a matter of fact. she needed to get multiple things off her chest, so she'd decided on having her first heart-to-heart conversation with her beloved MOA, knowing some had been MØØNS long before.

"i'll wait for a few more people to come in and then we'll start, okay?"

a few seconds of silence passed, the girl taking in a deep breath before bracing herself to start her conversation.

"today's live will be a lot different than the ones i've done before.. it might be a little awkward," she paused to chuckle, "but i think it'll be good for us,"

her eyes quickly scanned the comments begging to know what was wrong, blurring for a split second before blinking the tears away. Misaki picked up her personal phone, JiSu having handed it to her just before the live had begun from behind the camera. he and Ara sat behind the desk Mia sat at, having been told what the live was gonna be about the day before.

the girl clicked on her photos app, clicking on her favourite picture of CØSMIC. she faced the screen towards the live, "do you guys know who they are?"

the comments were sunken in various replies of yes, this being her cue to continue. "in case you don't know, this was my first group, CØSMIC,"

her voice threatened to crack — it was the first time she'd verbally mentioned the group. of course, the company had allowed her to post them on the anniversaries of their passing, but she'd never had enough will power to personally speak of the group she loved so dearly.

she pointed to herself in the picture, "that's me.. i look so young, don't i?" she began, then moving her finger to point at SooJin. "that's SooJin 언니," she moved her finger again, "that's YeoJin 언니, she was the eldest," and again, "that's TaeHee.. she was the maknae," and one last time, "and that's Bomi,"

her voice finally cracked once she got to mentioning her best friend. she softly smiled as she turned the screen towards her, looking at the girls she loved so dearly. she sniffled, returning her gaze to the people who gave her the love she never imagined she'd receive.

"i was the leader of this group, even though i was the middle child.." a soft smile adorned her face. "MØØNS who were able to watch our content right when it was being released before debut know how fun they were," she paused again, "i've never talked about them to MOA.. i'm sorry,"

comments dismissing her unnecessary apology suddenly took over the comments, the flying words causing the girl to giggle.

"the boys.. remind me so much of them, even now. when i'm awake late at night, thinking of them and wondering how they would've turned out if they'd gotten to live a while longer.. i just look at the boys, and they're my answer.

to be honest, i didn't get along with them all that well for a while. maybe til.. blue hour was released that i really started feeling like a member. it wasn't ever anything to do with them, obviously.. it was just.. hard? for me to be a member of another group, y'know? it felt like i was betraying my girls when really, i was just placed with their twins," she giggled after she spoke, finally out of her head after a few minutes.

"you guys wonder if i'm okay yet.. and to answer that.. i'd say somewhat. i mean, i saw two of them pass away right in front of me, and i was at the point of death while the other two died so.. i think it'll take more than three or four years to heal from that," she said, chuckling,

"but i'm at peace knowing they can't be hurt anymore. it always worried me knowing something could happen to them instead of me, but now i don't have that worry, so my heart's able to rest a little, too." 

she opened her phone again, pulling up a picture she'd yet to post on any social media site.

"no one's ever seen this picture before, y'all better feel special," she giggled. "this was.. in the middle of 2016, we were staying in new york for some dance academy. yeojin 언니 was hungry and convinced the others to cook with her at two in the morning, and i caught them and took this," she giggled once again, looking at the picture for a few seconds after.

she put her phone down again, looking at the screen to realize she'd been on live for fifteen minutes already. her eyes scanned the comments, seeing some related to the boys.

"the boys have always been very patient with me. they've never gone through losing a member, but they've always tried their best to understand it so they can be there for me, even when i was too shy to speak a word to them,"

"mm.. i don't know if there's enough CØSMIC content posted for you to tell, but the members act exactly alike. i'm fully convinced the names aren't just a coincidence," she chuckled, "Bomi was just as chaotic and annoying as bear is, and we also shared the same birthday, if that gives you an idea to what i mean,"

she chuckled after seeing a particular comment, "someone asked if i still hate the boys.. who ever said that?!" she looked at the camera with an incredulous look. "i've always loved the boys, it was just a work in progress,"

her mind traced back to what she'd already said, trying to figure out if she'd missed anything. "oh! the accident, right," another soft smile appeared, though forced, as it was still hard for her to even think about the traumatic night.

"uh.. you all know it was the night before we were supposed to debut, right? mm.. we'd gone out to eat sashimi with our manager, who.. can i say this?" she said, now obviously speaking to someone behind the camera.

JiSu only nodded, knowing the company could never punish Mia for talking about what'd happened to her — even if it'd expose part of his identity to the public. anything for Mia, as he'd always said.

"JiSu 오빠 was our manager, and he was the one driving when we got into the accident. we were hit by a drunk driver," she paused for a second, the memories threatening to flash before her.

"long story short, i hit my head really hard somehow, and suffered a TBI, a traumatic brain injury, and Eun 언니 told me the nurse said i'd lose my learned languages, which was Korean.. that's why i can't speak it that well, in case you didn't know yet,"

her fingers found the pluto dangling around her neck, her mind working yet again to find if she'd missed anything. "i think that's all on that.. i don't think i'm missing anything,"

once she'd concluded she hadn't missed any vital piece of the story, Mia decided to end the live. "and.. i believe that's it? there's a bit more to the story that maybe i'll add as time goes on,"

she gave yet another soft smile to the camera, "thank you, MOA, for being willing to listen about my girls.. this has been a good healing time for me, i really appreciate it!

i promise the next live will be a lot happier," she paused to chuckle, now waving as Ara moved towards the end live button.

"bye! i love you!"

♡♡♡♡♡♡, 完成!
waa more cøsmic content :D
+ i missed y'all so here's another update <3