trigger warning; suicide attempt!!!

Don't read if any form of suicide is a trigger for you!

Cassie stepped aside so James could walk in her house. She was still angry at him, yet she knew he didn't mean to patronize her. Having grown up with a club, she knew that every member had to stand behind their Pres. And she had disrespected Jax earlier, but she didn't regret a word she said. It was about time Jax finally became himself again.

So she took a deep breath and decided not to be mad at James any longer, instead she wanted to know how the meeting went and why Happy wasn't with him.

Together with him she sat down on the sofa, the dim light the only thing that gave them some light since it was already dark outside. And since Callum was already in bed and Lily had already been picked up by Lyla, she didn't want to leave the lights on everywhere.

“So how did it go? Is Happy still at the club?” she asked nervously, rubbing her clammy hands together. Every single muscle in her body tensed.

She watched James and how his face was slowly losing all color, looking like he was about to throw up any second. It was also difficult for him to look into her eyes, which was usually never a problem for him.

“Cassie I⸺”, he paused, his breath shaky as he spoke. You just didn't want to have to tell anyone such heartbreaking news and he was really struggling with his own feelings, which made things a lot harder. He knew this would break Cassie. Like, breaking her to the point where she was no longer able to ever recover from. “Happy didn't make it. They killed him and⸺ and we have proof.”

She looked at James in complete shock, her hands and whole body starting to shake before she started laughing. It was an uncertain laugh, a laugh that sounded more hysterical than joyful.

“Yeah sure”, she let out a scoff, shaking her head quickly. Tears welled up in her eyes as she tried hard to play it down, convincing herself it was just a dream or a joke. It had to be a stupid joke. “James I swear, this is not funny! Where is he? I can pick him up if he can't drive himself. I⸺ I need to⸺”

She was pulled into James arms as the realization set in that he wasn't joking by any means, causing her to let out a heart-wrenching sob. The way her body sagged in his embrace, her loud sobbing and the way she clung to him like her life depended on it made him swallow hard. Her crying got so extreme that she couldn't even breathe anymore and James wished he could take the pain away from her. But he couldn't. The only thing he could do was being there for her.

“I'm so sorry”, he mumbled against her hair, running his hand through her waves while he held her close, not thinking about letting go of her anytime soon. She was bawling and screaming, her face buried on his shoulder which muffled the sounds. It was like he could feel her pain only by listening to her suffering and it made him tear up, too.

If Jax wouldn't handle the Rivals tomorrow at their meeting, then he would. There was no way he would let one of those bastards walk away alive.

⸺

Cassie shuffled her way to Callum's room, her fingertips trailing along the wall, her gaze vacant and fixed on the floor. She had shed so many tears that she had none left, and yet her eyes were constantly wet and red.

After insisting that James would leave her alone because she wanted to spend time with Callum, she had pulled on a shirt that Happy had on yesterday and which still smelled like him. James had insisted on staying, but she didn't want that. No, she wanted to spend time with her son alone before taking him to Gemma.

Very carefully she lifted the little one in her arms and rocked him when he woke up, but shortly afterwards he fell asleep again. After heading to the bedroom with him, she lay down on the bed and placed Callum on her chest. Her hand kept stroking his tiny head while she just watched him sleep peacefully. A few tears ran down her cheeks again, the resemblance to Happy was just so incredibly great. That boy really looked like his father.

She didn't want to leave her son alone, not at all, but she knew that she wouldn't be a good mother for him in the future. Callum would remind her every day how much Happy was looking forward to seeing him, that he couldn't wait to finally meet his son. She was so broken that she would fall into a deep hole from which no one could help her out if she'd stay. And she didn't want Callum to have to watch her downfall like she had to watch her mother's.

“At least he had the chance to get to know you”, she chocked out, her voice fragile. “Oh and how much he loved you. You should have seen his face when he first saw you. He was so proud and happy.”

Talking to her son when he didn't understand her or couldn't give her answers was her way of saying goodbye to him. She inhaled his scent, his hair still smelled of the baby shampoo. Even if she had seriously thought about an abortion at first, it hurt her immensely to only be able to spend a few more hours with him.

But Happy's death hit her so hard that she didn't know any other way out and her mind was too foggy from the events that she wasn't able to ask for help. Neither did she want to. Happy has been her rock since she was eighteen. First as best friend, now as a her fiance and the father of her child. She was aware of how radical her decision was and yet she knew where she wanted to be. With him.

“And I love you just as much as he does”, she added in a whisper, wrapping her arms around his tiny body. For the next hour, she just lay there with him, telling him random stories about Happy and her. He wouldn't remember them, yet she wanted to tell them anyway.

When it felt like it was time, she got up and put him in the crib while she packed his diaper bag. She didn't forget the stuffed animal that Happy got him months ago already. It was an elephant that was as big as Callum was at the moment. A sad smile crossed her face as she thought back to the moment he showed her what he got for their son.

Suppressing another sob, she swung the bag over her shoulder, picked up Callum and put him in the infant carrier. Then she turned off the lights and headed to the hallway where she slipped into her sneakers. She didn't care that she was only in Happy's shirt. The gray fabric was long enough to cover everything important and nobody saw her red face from all the crying anyway, after all it was dark. In order to spend a little more time with Callum, she decided to walk.

After about twenty minutes she rang Gemma's bell, anxiously waiting for someone to answer the door. After a few seconds the light went on and the next moment Gemma was standing in front of her in her bathrobe, a sympathetic look in her eyes.

Without words, she pulled the brunette into her arms and just held her tight. It didn't bother her that Cassie showed up in the middle of the night, especially after what happened. Jax informed her and the matriarch was just as shocked and had to process it all first. She felt for Cassie and her heart broke for the young woman who seemed absolutely helpless and broken.

Pushing her away gently, she rested her hands on Cassie's shoulder, studying the brunette with concern. “You wanna stay here for the night, baby? You and Callum are always welcome.”

“Uh no, thanks.” Cassie tried her best to give the older woman a smile, grateful for the offer. Gemma became something like a mother figure to her and she knew Callum would be in good hands with her. “But I need you to watch Callum for me. He's fed and changed, he shouldn't need anything til the morning.”

“Wait, where are you going?”, Gemma inquired sternly, her eyes staring holes into the younger one. “I'm not letting you leave alone, Cassie.”

“Gemma please”, the brunette pleaded, handing her the infant carrier. “I need some time to think. I can't take care of him right now. It's just for a few days, please.”

Gemma eyed the younger suspiciously, a weird feeling in her stomach. However, it would make sense that Cassie needed some alone time. No one would be able to take care of a child in her place after such a thing.

“You call me every two hours, understand? Because if you don't I'll send someone to your house to check up on you”, the matriarch eventually said, sighing. “Don't do anything stupid. I can imagine how hard this is for you, but we're all here if you need anything. Think about Callum, baby.”

“That's exactly what I do. I know what's best for my son”, she gave Gemma a weak smile and kissed her cheek before she leaned down to ran her finger over her son's cheek.

“I love you, little man.” After giving him a kiss on the forehead, she turned on her heel and walked away, her heart breaking even more after leaving her son.

⸺

The three sleeping pills in her hand disappeared into her mouth and were washed down her throat with a long gulp of whiskey. Half an hour ago she had taken two, but it hadn't made her more than dizzy.

With a nostalgic smile, she looked through some photo albums that she had spread out on the small table in the living room. She herself sat on the floor, leaning against the sofa while looking at pictures of happy days. Many of them starred her as a little girl with her dad and James, and when she was a little older Benny was there too. Oh, how proud James and here were as they found out they were getting a baby brother.

Photos from club parties brought another smile to her face. She let out a sob when she found a photo of her and Happy. Cassie could still remember her nineteenth birthday clearly, as if it was yesterday. Happy kept every guy away from her and was always close to her. In the picture he was looking down at her, one of the rare pictures where he was laughing. They both looked happy and who knows, maybe they should have dared to try it as a couple much sooner. Maybe then Happy and James would've stayed in Tacoma like Kozik and what happened hours ago would've never happened.

Her eyelids grew heavy, but she wasn't sure there were enough pills in her system to put an end to it all, so she took the rest of the pack and grimaced as the whiskey burned down her throat again. Exhausted, she leaned back, holding the picture of Happy and her firmly in her hands and one of Callum as well. To be precise, the first picture where all three were on it together. Other people might not understand her decision, but no one had to. She knew that it was the right thing to do and that Callum would grow up without a mother who would be depressed for the rest of her life.

As she found it harder and harder to breathe, she knew she would fall asleep soon, hopefully before Gemma held her word and sent someone over to her house. However, everything happened pretty quickly after that and the last thing she felt was the darkness overcoming her, putting her to sleep.