( CHAPTER EIGHTEEN )
OPENING UP TO THE STARS

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         EDEN HAD A HABIT OF SEEING THINGS always smaller than what they seem. It helped her to deal with her problems in some way. Thinking that it was almost nothing told her that no one needed to suffer—that she didn't need to suffer as much as she thought. But to tell the truth, she may have always seen them like that, but never felt them like that. Her mistakes defined who she was. She left John B when he confessed to her that he loved her, thinking she had settled things the right way, and she never bothered to go back because, well, she was worth nothing to him. She wasn't worth the girlfriend medal, the best friend medal suited her perfectly. There, she thought at that moment that even if she left him, it wasn't going to do anything to him. It wasn't anything huge. It was just one. . . Anyway, it was a fucking lie! She screwed up.

          She knows it now. She always knew in the big part of her heart that was reserved for John B. Which is still reserved for John Booker Routledge. It's still there, it's just mellowed out a little. It didn't become smaller because of the hatred she had for him for being with new girls other than Eden herself, but because she was right all along. When she first saw him on the beach, after their two week ago fight, with JJ and Pope, and then the new curly-haired girl, a pang of realization awoke within her. And the first thing she thought the second his eyes met hers between the people passing by was that she should have fought harder. Fighting against her stupid thoughts that she was just a mess for everyone. But when those are the exact words that come out of the mouth of the person who gave birth to you, you just believe them and do nothing.

          Eden was so obsessed with doing right by everyone, helping them however she could, exhausting all the petals of her flower. And now, only the center remained, she had nothing left to give. It was her turn to have the love she deserved, but no one seemed to be able to give it to her. Except maybe the sea.

          Finding herself in the same place where she and John B used to come when night fell. She watched the sun rise in the distance, reflecting its beautiful colors on the water which began to shine thanks to its powerful rays. Eden will never be able to fill herself with this view. The sounds of the waves crashing in front of her, the sun opening straight ahead and the little breeze crashing through her brown hair. It was as if her thoughts were communicating with the sea. No words came out, but yet she seemed so good. So welcome. As she stared at the colors in the distance, small tears came out of her humified eyes. A letter was placed in her hands, and it was enough to make her cry silently.

. . .I'm sorry, Cutie Pie. I'm trying my best to get back into your arms and Noah's. I'm very close to finding it, Big John and I are very close. I know it can't be very easy at home, I know about your differences with mom. But you know what to do when things go wrong, don't you? You just have to close your eyes, close them really hard until you see dots of color appear. It's good? Perfect. Now just breathe slowly.

I'm not far away, Eden. I'm here, right in front of you. You just need to believe it and I'll be there. It doesn't take much for two souls to see each other when they believe in it, Cutie Pie. . .

A letter she never dared to throw away. This little part of the letter was her favorite because it was real. She saw him now, with her eyes closed, she saw him playing hide and seek with the three boys and Noah. It was like dreaming but more real, it was laughter on each side of her ears, smiles that she just admired, faces tha—

"What are you doing here?" A voice called out to her from reality. She opened her eyes with difficulty, and turned towards the brunette in front of her with an almost worried face. "It's 6 a.m., Eden."

She quickly wiped her eyes, a few tears falling in the meantime while John B still stared at her with the same expression. "Um, I just came to see the beach, I had insomnia. What are you doing?" She asked, now standing in front of him, letting him examine every line of sadness that was on her tired face.

A warm hand came to rest on her cheek without her being able to realize it. John B looked at her with confused eyes as he moved his thumb up and down, wiping away a tear that seemed to create a path of its own. "You cried. . . Are you okay?"

She frowned. "That's the stupidest question in the world, John B."

Removing his comforting hand from her cheek, he stuttered, blushing, "Yeah, right. I'm sorry. Do— Do you wanna talk about it?"

She shook her head. "What are you doing here, John B?" She was quick to ask again, his presence making her uncomfortable.

          John B scratched the back of his neck, grumbling under his breath, "I've been looking for you." Eden raised her eyebrows, waiting for the rest of his explanation. "And. . . Well, that's all. Do you want me to go?"

          No approval gave him an answer, only Eden who sat down on the wet sand again and looked back into the waves. John B looked around, not knowing what to do before finally sitting down beside her without saying anything. The silence became one, filling the space between their two bodies.

          John B quickly noticed the letter in Eden's hands, which sent dozens of questions into his head.

He knew she hadn't been in the best shape for, well, too long. He knew it, and it killed him that no matter what he tried to do, it didn't change anything. He's always there when she falls to her lowest point, but he's there as a spectator. All he sees is just a bad show. And he hates being unable to do something for her. If he could, he would hold her in his arms for the rest of their life until she exhausted all sadness and flew from his arms all smiles. But it didn't work like that. He just had to wait for things to change, for the people who hurt her to apologize and leave her behind once and for all. But despite everything, there will be scars. And that, that stays forever. Even if you try to cover them, they will reappear.

"I got you a Kinder Buenno," he said, taking it out of his pants pocket, handing it to her.

          Eden turned to the chocolate bar, slowly taking it in her hands while her eyes were already watering again. She burst. John B's eyes widened suddenly. What had he done? Absolutely nothing, that was the problem. He was too nice while she was always abrupt towards him.

          "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for last summer, for the way I acted, for pushing you away when you were trying to help me. I'm sorry for. . . hurting you so much, John B. " Eden sniffled, letting exhausted tears fall onto her burning cheeks as she said all the words she could say while she still had the courage. "I was horrible, I disappointed everyone. I left the most important people behind me. I no longer want to be what I am and it's exhausting to always be false." She stopped for a moment, turning towards John B, letting him see what she had always wanted to hide from him; an incredibly present pain. "I'm just really sorry."

He didn't say anything for a moment while she caught her breath after her unexpected speech. She hated making a spectacle of herself like that, but it wasn't the first time this had happened with him so it was less difficult to pretend everything was fine afterwards.

John B slipped his fingers into Eden's in a gentle way where she could have literally melted on the spot. He swallowed carefully, whispering softly, "I've always seen the truth in you, personally. It's not hard, we just have to look into your eyes, and. . . We can see the little stars that we all need to see when things are going wrong. We just watched you dance in a crowd in the rain and we see you. We see Eden Blair Winslow."

She listened to him speak as if he were reciting a poem, never interrupting him because he knew how to use the right words in everything he articulated.

He continued, rubbing his thumb against the cold skin of her hand, "It's hard to see you if all you see is what other people think. And I know, it's hard to avoid. It's hard to just be yourself when you always have to be good enough. You're good enough just by being you, Eden. I managed to see the truth in you because you let go, because you were the girl you always were. A ray of sunshine, the rose in the fields that everyone wants to catch."

"You're saying all this just to make me happier," she sighed, wiping her tears from both sides.

He shook his head. "No. No, I'm telling you this so you realize that you're amazing at what you really are. You're the kind of girl who would do anything for her friends, who accepts the fact that a girl is angry with you because you know you screwed up, you are the kind of girl in books. You are a dream girl, Eden. Not only for your beauty, but for your soul. You. . . You are so incredible that it makes me mad that you don't get it. So I'm going to repeat it to you until you understand it, okay? I'm never going to stop if it can finally make you smile like before."

          "Don't start this," she warned him but he started saying the word incredible over and over without stopping, while she hid her face by placing her head on her lap. "Stop that." He refused, uttering the same word again and again without ever stopping before a hand landed on his mouth, closing it. Eden stared at him with a small smile on her lips. "I get it now, thanks."

She slipped her hand away from his mouth, keeping her eyes locked between his. Eden didn't know if it was because of the strong force of her emotions, or John B's strategically chosen words, but a courage ran through her movements as she moved closer to John B. She couldn't say what made her do this, but when her lips slowly touched John B's who still wasn't moving, she knew she wasn't okay. An electric shock moved through her body as her hand was pressed against John B's cheek while he still held her other hand. It was barely ten seconds before John B's hands gently pushed Eden away.

"Eden. . ." he whispered uncertainly, looking up at her, meeting her panicked and shocked gaze.

She trembled over her words, "I— Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I. . . Sorry," she said, putting her hand over her own mouth this time. "It was a mistake from me, I didn't mean to, I— sorry." She stood up, avoiding his gaze, preparing to flee again but John B came to join her.

She felt so stupid, she kept telling herself.

"Hey, wait. Don't walk away, Eden," he intervened, standing in front of her to stop her from walking. "It's okay, calm down."

"No, that's not. Two days ago I told you we were friends and now I'm jumping on you. Like, what the fuck is wrong me?" She got angry, her eyebrows furrowed.

John B looked at her not with an uncomfortable look, but rather amused. "Seriously, calm down. It's nothing. You can call us. . . Friends with benefits."

She closed her eyes, giggling as she placed her hand on her forehead at the stupidity of it. It was supposed to be crazy awkward, but it was actually just okay. Eden still didn't understand what happened to make her do it, but it didn't do her any harm. The good of feeling his lips on hers for just a few seconds felt right. She doesn't understand that too.

          "Hey, um, I kinda need your help with something," John B suddenly changed the subject, seeing that Eden was turning red. "We have a plan to resolve the problems between Kiara and Sarah, are you in? We just need you to take Sarah away, then you're free."

          "Yeah, sure." She agreed, nodding. John B thanked her with a smile, and then the two set off to return home.

          Walking home, Eden couldn't stop thinking about that little kiss. It wasn't good, but it was good at the same time. She kissed him by mistake, she said it herself so why did she want so badly to feel his lips on hers just for a second?

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IN THE AFTERNOON, EDEN WAS PICKING SARAH up from home to join John B and JJ who were on Heyward's boat. Although they didn't specify anything about their plan, Eden had no trouble bringing Sarah with her. When they arrived at the dock, they walked quietly on it, quickly finding the boat in front of them. As soon as they boarded it, Eden directly noticed the blond and the brunette who were talking while trying to be discreet. She told Sarah to stay there while she was going to see them. So, when she arrived in front of them, she hit them both in turn.

"Yo, what are you doing?" The two boys looked at her as they held their heads together, confusion on their faces. "What's the plan? You look really suspicious you guys."

John B turned to JJ, shrugging his shoulders. "Um, the plan is. . . Have her get some beer from the hole right behind you, and you lock her in. Don't worry about the rest." The blond explained simply while Routledge avoided looking in her direction.

She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Fine." They smiled at her, giving her a thumbs up each. She walked over to Sarah, tying her hair into a ponytail. "Hey, S', can you help me bring the beers. They're in there," she asked, pointing to the space inside the boat.

Sarah nodded, coming to help her lift it finding a black hole where things were hidden in case of emergency. She made Sarah go down first, and when she went to lock up, she saw the boys telling her to go with the blonde. She frowned, but went down anyway.

          "You know where they are?" Sarah asked, looking around.

          Eden guessed, "Uh, behind the red thing." Sarah nodded, going to find what Eden took as a distraction to go away and lock her up, but the sunlight that illuminated the cabin disappeared, and the only thing Eden saw was John B closing the lid inside it, waving goodbye. "You asshole! John B!"

          Sarah turned around, jumping at the sound of her angry voice, seeing Eden slammed against the boat. "What's going on?!"

          "They locked us." She said then continued to slam, but nothing answered her. Only the movement of the boat answered her question ; they scammed her. She nodded to herself, admitting, "I'm going to kill both of them."

The two friends started to scream but stopped after a while, having no more voice. Eden didn't understand how she could have been fooled, yet she was much smarter than them. Sarah suggested playing the truth game to pass the time. It was a stupid idea, and she fell for it. She couldn't believe it.

          But after minutes, she finally heard movement happening above them. Footsteps came calling her attention, and she jumped up. "Hey, Pope, is that you? Hello? John B, let us out right now!" Sarah looked at her hopefully, but everything stopped when she saw a curly-haired brunette open it, leaving them speechless and shocked. "No fuckin' way. . ."

          "What?" Sarah exclaimed, staring at Kiara from her corner. "Wait."

Kiara cursed as she got up, "What the hell?"

As Sarah walked past Eden to go out, the brunette was greeted by the sun afterwards, discovering that she was currently in the marsh. While the two girls were screaming like crazy, hoping that the trio of boys would make their return, Eden noticed some tools in the cabin where the steering wheel was. They had all this already prepared, those bastards, she thought.

She intervened in turn. "John B, get your ass back here if you don't want me to send evil spirits to you in your sleep, you asshole!"

"My dreams are already filled with you, pretty girl!" He responded with a proud chuckle, making a heart with his hands. Eden rolled her eyes, clenching her jaw to contain her annoyance.

"You can't just leave!" Sarah shouted as they boarded the HMS Pogue.

Pope pointed, "There's food in the cabin and JJ rolled a blunt."

"Hydroponic!"

The blonde grumbled, starting to take off her shorts and top, "This is rediculous."

Kiara spat, following Sarah's movements, "Well, I would rather drown than stay here with you, so. . ."

Eden looked at them with furrowed brows, wondering why the two were undressing. "Uh, guys? Are you getting ready to do a parade?" They turned towards her at the same time. "What? You undress for nothing then? Who are you trying to impress exactly?"

"No one. Just trying to get the fuck far away from this bitch," Sarah snapped before jumping into the water, shouting for the boys to come back to them.

Kiara ran a hand through her hair, ridicule written on her face. Eden also took off her t-shit, not to impress someone, but because a bubbling heat faded from her skin. A blue bikini top with little white dots, super simple and cute. What she preferred.

          "They're not coming back for you!" Kiara said to Sarah, raising her arms in the air in a dejected look, but the blonde didn't listen and continued swimming. "Is she always like that?"

          "Yeah, and honestly, I'd rather get the fuck far away from here too than stay with you." Eden answered her, sighing after that.

          She shrugged her shoulders without any embarrassment. "Do yourself a favor, go drown yourself too."

          "I'm not that stupid, Carrera. Jellyfish will come out everywhere." Eden said, making a face.

          A sharp cry intervened. Oddly, the first to intervene was Kiara, but not with much concern to tell the truth. Eden rolled over to help Sarah out of the water, who couldn't stop swearing in the meantime. "I got stung by a jellyfish! Shit!"

          Kiara rolled her eyes, huffing carelessly, "Dramatic."

          Eden grabbed Sarah's hand, leading her to sit down. "Well, you swam right into a man-o'-war. Don't know what you thought would happen, Sar'." She grunted in pain, clutching her hip, pulling Eden's hand free.

          "Does it hurt?" The Carrera girl asked just for fun, knowing the answer very well.

          "Hey, guys. You know what they say. . . about curing jellyfish stings? You have to pee on me. But just one of you, huh."

          Eden intervened in their conversation, arriving towards them with a small box. "Got a better idea actually. Hydroponic."

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HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT YOU CAUSING AN ACCIDENT, dying, and just watching from the sky who would really be affected by your death? Eden thought about it dozens of times a week. Not because she wanted to end it, but because she was asking herself serious questions about who really loves her. Who really cares about her? And she always came back to the beginning; the pogues, Noah and Bella. It was these people. And even, she could erase at least two Pogues. Kiara hated her from the bottom of her heart, and John B might not have come given their situation. According to Eden, the Routledge boy would stay looking at the stars, trying to contact the Winslow girl from up there. He would never have set foot in a funeral.

Never mind.

Eden doesn't have many people she can really count on, and sometimes that scares her. She loves being alone when she wants to be, but the fear of finding herself alone because no one wants to be with her, it makes her overwhelmed with anxiety. And when she thinks about it seriously, what hurts her the most is her mother's lack of love. A mother is supposed to be the person who understands you the most, with whom you share everything, who is very attentive. Yasmina had never been capable of being described like that to Eden. She was hypocritical, arrogant, heartless, and above all unloving for a girl who isn't perfect. Was perfection really what people needed to be able to give maximum love? Nothing makes someone perfect, you always have to add something to be almost perfect, and even. . . The word perfect shouldn't even appear in dictionaries. It's just a way of belittling.

"Hey, guys," Sarah, laughing, cleared Eden of these shitty thoughts, making her turn her head towards her. "Would you rather. . . have— I was imagining you guys like this just now. It was pretty funny." Just from the voice the blonde was using, Eden could doubt that it was the first time she was smoking. "Would you ima— Would you rather. . . have nipples for eyes or eyes for nipples? Imagine if you get really old and your nipples— Your boobs get saggy, and your nipples, if they were your eyes, you could see if your shoes were untied," she finished explaining, giggling silently, as Kiara looked at her with a sigh.

"Is it like your first time smoking or something?" Kiara asked, raising her eyebrows.

Sarah denied, "No. . ."

Kiara definitely rolled her eyes, while Eden busied herself with taking a sip of her beer. Their conversation had been like this for the last four hours, and Eden just started to really not care without ever adding anything.

"Hey, guys. . ." Sarah said again, annoying the curly haired girl.

"Oh, my God. Enough of the "Hey, guys!" bullshit!" She slammed, making Sarah wake up a little more. "Why'd you do it?" She spoke directly to her, leaving Eden in suspense.

"Why did I do what?" Sarah questioned, raising her shoulders without really understanding.

So Kiara continued, "We were best friends. We— we stole beers from your dad's fridge, we watched movies together, we cried about boys. . . And the next thing I know, I'm watching your birthday party happen from Instagram."

Sarah cut her off in her next sentence, "It was one party. And we were especially celebrating the arrival of Eden among us."

"Wow, don't get me into this. I didn't even know Kiara," Eden corrected her friend.

"You invited everyone except me. So, yeah. Fine. Eden was new, but you invited a complete stranger and you left me, Sarah. And then you told everyone I was the reason that the party got busted. You let the rumor went that I was a rat." Eden listened attentively to Kiara. Although she was already aware that something had happened between them, she was also not fully informed. "You were my best friend, and then you ghosted me for Eden. 'Cause this what happened, right? She was the new girl, super cool. And you got tired of me? I mean, really, what did I do?"

          In a calm but expressive voice, Sarah rushed, "You liked me." Eden and Kiara were speechless at what she had just said, both with arched eyebrows. Sarah swallowed hard, not really knowing where to start, so she just went with this, "When. . . people get. . . close to me, I feel trapped. And. . . I bail. And then I blame them for it." Sarah's eyes grew moist as she mumbled, "I'm really sorry. . . and I miss you. And I don't want you to pick on Eden, she didn't do anything. I screwed up on this shot."

          Eden stopped her friend, "Sarah, stop. I know why Kiar—"

          "No, you don't." Carrera pointed, turning to her with features more awake than relaxed as she spoke with Sarah. "You can't say that you know why, Eden. You know nothing about anything. I don't hate you just because you arrived like that among the Kooks and played the little rebel," she paused, giving Eden time to guess, but even before she spoke, Kiara already added, "But because you left them. You preferred to run away with your new money, and you left them alone without even worrying again. They were your best friends, and you abandoned them."

          The Winslow girl couldn't look at Kiara, she was aiming too well at the heart at the moment. "You know nothing about anything."

          "You think that? I know everything. They couldn't stop talking about you, so I decided to hate you for them. You. . . You only thought of yourself in the story, Eden. John B lost his father, and you didn't even lift a finger. Like, what the fuck?" A blow to the chest stabbed her for the first time, pursing her lips to resist the urge to let go. "And I still don't understand why they allowed you to come back into the group with your little blonde around your arm. I don't understand that part. And. . . And I don't understand how John B can still trust you."

          "See? You understand nothing, Kiara. So stop trying to to be their savior and to keep them away from me. It's stupid, all right?" Eden said, raising her eyes bubbling with mixed emotions, staring at the girl in front of her. The corner of her eyes began to water a little too much as a lump in her throat grew bigger and bigger. "I was just another mess for them."

          Kiara almost choked, "What? You were the most important to them."

         She shook her head, closing her eyes. She hated it, she hated it. She hated herself. Eden swallowed hard, wiping away the first tear that fell like a leaf to the ground.

          "I always had the poster of a girl who had to be perfect. Being, um. . . More than what I was already offered. And just one fucking day had to come and destroy my life," she grumbled between her dry voice and her tears accumulating in her eyes. This feeling made her so vulnerable, she would like to disappear. But she continued, because for once, she could tell the truth. "I was playing with the boys in the rain, and my mother appeared. . . She looked at me like a stranger. . . When I came home that night, I was treated to a prepared speech from her," she stopped, looking up at the two girls who were fixing at her without even understanding. "She took it out on me. I wasn't what she expected of me. And you know what she said to me?" They said nothing. "Come on, I'll give you a chance, Carrera."

          The brunette took a breath, keeping pity on her face without even trying to hide it, and the words came to her lips by themselves, "A mess?"

          Eden gave a forced smile, nodding her head. Smiling was her best way to hide what she was really feeling, but it was a little too late. "I can't say I didn't choose to leave them, I did. I did it and I hate myself for it. But you can't understand what I went through, Kiara. You never will, okay?"

          "Wait," Sarah eased her way into the conversation, her eyes on the verge of tears. "You. . . You never told me about it, Eden. I could have helped you. I coul— I could have been there for you."

          Eden looked the blonde in the eyes before letting out a nervous laugh, sighing a little. "I'm so tired of feeling sad all the damn time. Like. . . Can we just have a normal teenager's life? Just time to find the gold, at least? I. . . I need to feel some kind of. . . good, and if it's with these idiots, this blonde, and this bitch, well, I'm in."

          Sarah and Kiara showed a little smile through their humified eyes and the whatever sadness they felt for Eden. Smiling is a reason to live. Without it, the world would be black and white, without life, without a precise purpose, only faces in a dark mood. Eden was that girl with the illuminating smile, and even if inside it was black and white, maybe for once she could smile without worrying about what was inside. The exterior is the present moment, the laughter shared, the love given. If it always focuses on what's inside the house, then the outside will always remain unknown. And honestly, the unknown is not something she likes.

          Eden wiped her tears before being carried away by Sarah's arms, and accompanied by Kiara afterwards. Maybe her family didn't love her the way she wanted, maybe the Kooks saw a different person from what she was, then. . . Maybe she would have to start her own family now?

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authors note: OH MY GOOOOOODDDD!! TELL A FRIEND TO TELL A FRIEND..... SHES BACKKKKK!! guys i fr missed u so muchhh omg. i'm sorry i got a really hard time lately, and needed some space but im back hihiii!!

um so what about the ten seconds kiss?? lol i kinda tripped on this hihiii 🤪 i needed something to happened between them cuz DAMN they are slow burn and everything but man, my eden was in deep feeling and that just happened 😙

anywayyyyy... the gold trio is coming!!

just like that, who do u think eden's gonna tell first about their kiss? ur supposed to know 🥹

WHATEVER!! i love u guys and thanks for not putting pressure on me! take care of you, that's really important <3