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❛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀʀᴛʏ ᴍᴄғʟʏ ᴇғғᴇᴄᴛ​​​​​​​​​​. ❜ ° . ༄
- ͙۪۪˚   ▎❛ 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐔𝐃𝐄 𝐈𝐈 ❜   ▎˚ ͙۪۪̥◌
»»————- ꒰ ʀᴇʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴsʜɪᴘs ɪɪ ꒱　


❝ HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD
IF FIVE GREW UP ALL HOT? ❞

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Tacos turned out to be drinking as well. At first she'd protested, wanting to be the responsible one but after not very much cajoling Alexa had broken down and said one drink. Well, that turned out to be two, three and four. Now, she was feeling quite a bit past tipsy thanks to her younger body and a happy, bubbly feeling had replaced the lingering worry and sadness.

The four of them were currently in Allison's beauty parlor with Alexa sitting on Vanya's lap as the brunette woman ran her fingers through the blonde's hair. Allison stood behind Klaus who sat in the chair opposite them. A song was playing in the background and Alexa lifted the bottle she was holding to her lips to take a quick swallow. The alcohol had burned but now it just felt nice.

"Oh, the nerve of that man!" Allison was saying. "I mean, one thing goes wrong and he's on a warpath! I mean, doesn't he know who I am? No, no Ray. You know exactly who I am. You just can't handle it."

"You tell him, sis!" Alexa cheered from her spot while Vanya slumped beneath her and pointed two of her fingers as she made "pew pew" sounds.

Her sister made a grand gesture in her direction. "Thank you. I'm protecting him." She slapped Klaus who made a noise of complaint. 

"From what?"

"The end of the world, for one."

"Is the world really gonna end in six days?" Vanya asked.

Alexa shrugged and took another swig from the bottle. "Five's never been wrong before." She gave a little laugh and lifted up one finger. "Of course, there's also only been one apocalypse so far. Still, one for one is pretty damn good."

Allison ran her fingers through Klaus' hair as he sat up. "Hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot? Wouldn't that be weird?"

Her siblings made noises of protest but she grinned. "Isn't he already, though?"

"Eww!" Allison exclaimed.

"Oh, eww," Klaus mocked her as he stood. "Please, Miss Luther-was-my-lover."

"We have never even kissed," the woman protested as Klaus imitated the sounds.

"Yeah, well, you guys were making sick little moon-dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfast and all that."

"Aren't we all brothers and sisters or. . .?" Vanya asked. She sat back up to wrap her arms around Alexa's waist and place her chin on the girl's shoulder.

Klaus snorted as Allison began, "well, technically—"

"Technically? If you have to use the word 'technically' you're already in trouble."

Alexa suddenly banged her glass against the metal of the chair, causing a ringing sound. "Can I-can I have everyone's attention?" she asked. Her words slurred a little. "I have a very important announcement to make."

Allison and Klaus turned to her. "Go ahead, little sis," her brother said.

She made a gesture to tap the opening of her bottle with the flat of her hand. "Is this thing on? Can you all hear me?"

"Loud and clear!" Vanya exclaimed happily from behind her.

The blonde moved the bottle to her lips to imitate a microphone. In mock-seriousness, she said, "alright, but you have to promise to keep this a secret. If this gets out I'll be in big trouble!" She lost her composure at the end and laughed.

After they made their promises, Alexa let the silence drag out for a minute before she announced dramatically: "okayyy, I have a confession to make! Five and I. . . have. . . " She paused to watch her siblings lean closer. "Kissed! A lot!" She giggled and watched their expressions turn dumbfounded.

"Wait, wait, wait," Klaus said, swiping his hands through the air. "You-you and that prick? Together? Lips on lips?"

Alexa nodded importantly. "Oh yeah, I even loooovvee him," she sang happily before her expression dropped. "I don't think he loves me, though." She brightened again. "He's a really, really, good kisser! I mean, I don't have a ton of experience but—"

"Okay, ew, ew, ew," Allison said as she finally came out of her shocked stupor. "What do you even see in him? How long has this been going on?"

Alexa gave a little laugh. "He's gorgeous, are you blind? Those green eyes, that dark hair?" She fanned herself with her hand jokingly. "He's brilliant and his power is super, super sexy. We've been kissing since we were nine."

Allison made a gagging sound as Klaus squealed. "That's super gross but also super cute!" he exclaimed. "Come to think of it, that old jerk has always been soft for you. Luther was right!"

The blonde nodded self-importantly from her seat on Vanya's lap and took another sip from her bottle. "That's why I denied it soooo much," she sang cheerfully. "I can't have him knowing I still love him." She gave another giggle before twisting around to look at her sister. "Vannie? You've been quiet."

There was a thoughtful look on her sister's face. "You can't help who you love," she decided softly as their eyes met. "It is a little weird, though."

Alexa sighed. "Yeah, I know. But I've never seen him as my brother like everyone else." She lifted up her finger again. "And there's no 'technically' about it."

"Okay, can we please focus? This is gross," Allison complained. "Maybe we're not saving the world tonight but maybe, maybe we can save my marriage!"

"No, because that's like-that's like asking a nun to hump someone's leg," Klaus protested. "I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one," he said, pointing at Vanya, "is in secret love with some farm Frau—"

"Her name is Sissy!" Vanya protested.

"Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer," he continued, ignoring Allison's warning.

"What?"

"Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch for a soldier who I haven't technically met yet and Luther is in love with his sister which now we know isn't much better than Lexi's secret fling with an old man—"

"He wasn't old then," she protested, "and besides, I like older men."

"Okay," Allison said in exasperation. "Again, not biological."

"Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin."

Alexa's expression soured. "I don't like Dolores," she said firmly. "She got more time with Five than I did. It's not fair."

Klaus rolled his eyes. "The only thing The Umbrella Academy knows about love. . . is how to screw it up." He raised his glass in a mock toast.

"Cheers," Alison agreed glumly, followed by Vanya and Alexa repeating it as the radio changed songs.

"How do you guys deal with this?" Vanya asked.

"How do you think?" Alexa countered. She raised her bottle. "We drink to forget and we drink to remember." Her words slurred together again. "It's the only thing to do when the boy you love doesn't love you back."

The brunette rolled her eyes. "I meant all of it; the time travel, seeing the dead, the end of the world."

"Like Lexi said, we get drunk. I also get really high. Allison— Allison lies to herself," Klaus whispered. "And Lexi disappears into her room and tries to bring back a boy who probably doesn't give two shits about her! I mean, he came back by himself, so he clearly didn't need her help—"

Luckily, the drink took off the sting of his words and all she said was "ouch" pathetically as she moved one hand over her heart.

"And you, you suppress all your emotions deep, deep down until you. . . you blow shit up."

"Yeah, I'd really like to not do that anymore," Vanya said. She gently bumped her chin against Alexa's shoulder.

"Well, you've got six days, missy."

"What the hell are we supposed to do with six days?" Allison asked while she looked at herself in the mirror.

"Party?" Klaus scoffed. "I don't know."

"I'm gonna tell Sissy I love her," Vanya said determinedly.

Alexa gave a little cheer. "Again, you go sis!"

"I don't want any secrets!"

"Yeah," Klaus agreed.

"Yeah, yeah you're right!" Allison said, cottoning on. "Yes, because if you know the world is gonna go tits-up the least I could do is be honest with my husband."

Klaus groaned. "Oh, does that mean I have to face my cult? I hate group break ups, that's why I stopped dating twins!"

Alexa mimicked him. "Well, I'm certainly not going to tell Five that I love him." She gave a little scoff. "Could you imagine? He'd rather the world end than admit he has feelings." She took another swig from her bottle.

Allison came towards her, arms outstretched as she grabbed onto her sister's hands to pull her off Vanya's lap. "C'mon, Lexi. You can do it! If he hates your guts at least the world will end and you don't have to face him."

Alexa stumbled to her feet and almost crashed against her sister. She righted herself clumsily. "Should I really do it? I mean, I've been holding a torch for him for so long. It's not that weird, right?"

Klaus made sloppy patting motions on the top of her head. "It's definitely weird, Lexi, but we're a family of weirdos so it's not so bad."

Vanya let out a laugh. "This family's amazing."

The three of them laughed as well as Allison protested, "okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"C'mere, Vanya," Klaus said as he pulled the two women into a hug. The brunette hopped up and joined them as the four of them giggled like fools.

"I love this family!" Alexa cheered happily as she felt the love for her siblings bubble up inside of her. It felt so good to be free of her everyday worries and fears. Why didn't she spend every day like this?

"We love you too," Klaus said, matching her tone.

"Oh, guys!" Allison exclaimed as a song came on. "I love this song!"

What ensued next was probably the happiest three minutes of Alexa's past three years as she danced giddily with her brother and sisters, all four of them slightly loopy and sloppy from the excess use of alcohol and none of them caring what they looked like.

"That's got nothing on Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, though," Alexa said as they collapsed when the song was over.

☂☂☂

Later that day, Alexa found herself alone in Allison's salon since Klaus had gone to face his cult, Allison to her husband and Vanya to Sissy. Alexa would've followed suit by going to find Five but she had no idea where he was. Now, she was sitting morosely in the chair Vanya had previously occupied, her previous high gone, with her liquor bottle dangling from her fingers as she occasionally sipped from it.

Her blue eyes were glazed over and had a far-away look to them as she mumbled the lyrics to Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now except she changed the lyrics to singular as there wasn't anyone with her, "'I think I'm alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around. The beating of my heart is the only sound. . .'" 

Her singing continued even when a blue flash of light appeared in the shop to signal Five's arrival. The blonde's gaze focused on him and with false cheer she said, "our lord and savior has graced us with his presence!"

Five rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sorry for disappearing on you," he said, not really sorry at all. "Come on, we've got to go."

"No thanks," Alexa said. "I'm good here. No daddy for me."

He sighed, surprised by her obstinance. "Look, we don't have a lot of time—"

He was cut off by her loud laugh. "Time, time time, that's all it ever is with you! Do you ever think about other-other things, like-like people or, or feelings—" Her words slurred together as she became exasperated.

Five stared at her. "You're drunk!"

At that, she gave a little burst of energy, pushing her arms and legs away from each other before she flopped back in the chair. "A genius, really! No shit, captain Sherlock." She giggled. "Wait, that's not right. No captain, shit Sherlock— no, I meant—"

He could hardly believe it. Out of everyone in the Academy, Alexa was the last person to behave irresponsibly. "What the hell, Alexa?"

Her glazed eyes tried to focus on him. "We drink to forget and we drink to remember," she repeated. "It's what you do when there's a shitstorm."

While he could probably guess what she meant that didn't stop him from clarifying, "shitstorm?"

The blonde let out a heavy sigh and slumped further in her chair. "Oh, you know, the world ends in six days again, I'm stuck in a teenager's body." She gave a little chuckle. "My siblings abandoned me for their own love lives which I don't have and unrequited love absolutely sucks." She raised the bottle to her lips and took another drink.

Five stared at her as something twisted painfully in his chest as he forced out, "unrequited love? Who?" 

It couldn't be, not after all this time. 

She raised her bottle to him before letting her arm flop. "Oh yeah. I can't tell you though." She lowered her voice to a stage whisper, "it's a secret." Then, slightly louder, she added, "what I can say is that his name's a number and he's possibly the most attractive person I've ever seen. Cheers." She raised the bottle to her lips again.

His name's a number. He shook his head to clear it. It doesn't matter. Instead, he plucked the bottle from her grasp. "That's enough, Lexa."

"Noo!" she whined pleadingly and reached out for it. "Mine! Give it back."

He held it out to her. "You want this?" At her nod, he turned and abruptly threw it against the parlor wall so that it smashed with a loud shattering of glass. He gave her a stern look as she made a pained sound at the loud noise. "It's your own fault, you know."

Alexa pouted at him. "You're no fun. When you drink I don't smash your bottle. I take care of you."

"Yeah, well, we have different methods of taking care of each other. Now come on."

"I can't stand," she said petulantly, crossing her arms.

The boy sighed before he walked closer and wrapped his hands around one of her arms to gently tug her up. She came crashing forward and stumbled, nearly tipping over. "Oopsie!" she giggled.

He looped one of her arms around his shoulders and wrapped an arm around her waist. "There, you good?" he asked, his voice more firm than strictly necessary. He wasn't exactly comfortable with their close space.

Alexa turned her face towards him and beamed happily. "Just peachy!" she said with another giggle, then her expression grew thoughtful as she realized how close their faces were. Even in the dim light of the shop she could see the sharpness of his brilliant green eyes. Her gaze flicked downwards, past his nose and her tongue darted out to wet her lips. "Five?" Her voice was much quieter now.

He forced himself not to wrinkle his nose at the smell of alcohol on her breath and said, "yeah?"

Her gaze flicked back up to his and she leaned closer, nearly bumping their noses together. "Guess what?"

Despite the smell, he couldn't help it when his pulse picked up slightly at the familiar feel of her breath against his face and his voice dropped to a whisper as he said, "what?"

Alexa hesitated and then raised her hand. She folded down all but one finger which she aimed for his nose but accidentally hit his cheek. "Boop."

Five's expression softened at the familiar gesture, remembering the last time she'd done it was when he'd had shrapnel embedded in him and the time before that was the last day he'd seen her for forty-five years. "Lexa?"

"Mm?"

Knowing she probably wouldn't remember but having promised himself he wouldn't be a coward about it (having learned from his mistakes) he mimicked her gesture except he successfully landed on her nose. "Boop."

She blinked at him, confusion evident on her face before it broke out in a broad smile. "I looovee you!" she sang, her voice suddenly loud. He flinched in surprise before rolling his eyes in exasperation, glad that she couldn't see how red his ears had suddenly become.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's get going." It was easier to write her burst of emotions off as drunken rambling. She was a seemed to be a very emotional drunk.

Together, they left the shop with Alexa stumbling along next to him. "I would spacial jump since it's faster but I don't want you to throw up."

She giggled as they headed down the street. "Throw up, throw up, throw up," she chanted cheerfully. Then, Alexa's free hand reached over and gently— sloppily— patted the opposite side of his face to get his attention (even though she already had it.) "Hey, hey— Five," she said as if she'd had a brilliant thought. "Have-have you ever said a word so much it stopped sounding like a word? Throw up, throw up—"

He huffed, trying not to show encouragement by letting her see how amused he really was. "Alright, that's enough from you. We've got a long walk ahead of us."

They fell into silence except for Alexa's quiet murmurs of song lyrics here and there before she spoke again: "Five— hey, Five."

He rolled his eyes. "What do you want?"

She giggled. "To be a badass, time-travelling couple."

He almost tripped over nothing again, caught by surprise at how boldly she'd said that. For comfort, he turned to his usual snarky reply: "well, you've certainly got one of those things going for you."

"Oh yeah? Which one?"

"The time-travelling part."

She pouted and thankfully fell into silence again. They arrived at Elliot's with little other obstacles and he gently maneuvered her to the bed.

"No! Not tired!" Alexa protested, though her eyelids already heavy.

"You'll thank me later."

As he helped her to lie down, he stood to go but felt a tug on his arm. Five turned to be released but stopped at the pleading look on her face.

"You're always leaving," she said sadly. "To time travel, to save the world. You never stay."

"There's always something to do, Lexa."

The blonde pouted at him and he cursed inwardly as her eyes widened. He knew exactly what she was doing. "Please, Five? Just-just stay, for once."

He gave an exasperated sigh. "Fine. Five minutes only."

As he gingerly sat on the bed next to her, she giggled. "Your name is Five and you're staying for five minutes."

He rolled his eyes, shifting so he could lie down beside her. "You're a goof," he grumbled, not entirely upset. He stiffened slightly as she suddenly rolled on top of him as she'd done a few nights ago with Pogo and buried her head in the crook of his neck.

Almost asleep, she mumbled next to his ear, "there, you're safe now." She relaxed on top of him with her body acting as a human shield.

The familiarity of the position made the ache in his chest worsen, a reminder of times long gone as he carefully wrapped his arms around her. He tried to still his mind to rest, knowing he'd need it to face his father but for once, it wasn't whirring about the apocalypse. It was crowded with the remembered scent of lavender and coconut, quiet giggles and the gentle press of lips against his own.