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❛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀʀᴛʏ ᴍᴄғʟʏ ᴇғғᴇᴄᴛ​​​​​​​​​​. ❜ ° . ༄
- ͙۪۪˚   ▎❛ 𝐒𝐈𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍 ❜   ▎˚ ͙۪۪̥◌
»»————- ꒰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪɴ sᴏᴍᴇ,
ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇsᴏᴍᴇ ꒱　


❝ YOU WISH YOU COULD
PULL OFF THESE SHORTS! ❞

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Four-year-old Number Eight came skipping into the library after the annual blood draw (read: scientific test) her father had in place. "Five!" she called to the boy. "Hey, Five!"

He looked up from his work with irritation evident on his face until it softened when he realized who was calling him. "What's up, Lexa?"

The girl scrambled onto the seat next to him, beaming happily. "I figured out my power!" she crowed.

Not bothering to tell her to quiet her voice, he gave her an interested look. "What is it?" Five had figured out what his was a few months ago.

"Pogo was in charge of the blood draw, right? Well, I remembered the last time I did it, it hurt a lot and it was really pointy and I really, really didn't want to have it prick my skin. Well, when he went to stick the needle in me, it broke! He tried stronger and stronger ones but all of them broke!" she said all of this in a rush, leaving the boy to comprehend her story as she told it.

Once she finished, he frowned. "Dad's not mad at you, right? For breaking his needles?"

The blonde laughed. "No, silly! He realized what my power was. I'm invincible!"

Relieved that she wouldn't be in trouble, he gave her an amused smile. "No, Lexa. You're invulnerable."

She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. "No, I'm invincible!"

He sighed. "Invincible means you can't be beaten. Invulnerable means you can't be harmed."

Eight crossed her arms and tilted her head up defiantly. "I don't believe you."

With another long-suffering sigh, the boy got down from his chair and disappeared in a blue flash, both to practice and show off his skill. Not quite advanced at it yet, he accidentally ended up in the historical section. Now out of sight, though, he walked the few rows to the reference section, pulled out a dictionary and disappeared again, this time several feet away from the table.

After he climbed back on his chair, he flipped open the dictionary and pointed to the two definitions. "See, Lexa? You're invulnerable."

"I'm still going to call it invincible for ever and ever."

"Well, you're going to be wrong for ever and ever."

She gave him a stubborn look. "Well, I don't care."

"Sometimes I wonder why I even try," he complained dramatically, earning a giggle from the girl.

For some reason, that made his stomach warm pleasantly. They sat in silence for a minute as the girl continued to enjoy her revelation of power and Five couldn't help but watch as she wiggled quietly in her seat like an energetic puppy. He'd never seen a puppy in person, of course, but he could look at Alexa and picture one just fine.

"Lexa?"

"Mm?"

"Why do you like spending time with me?"

She shrugged. "You talk to me."

"The others do too," he pointed out. 

The girl shook her head. "Not like you, though." She began to tick them off on her fingers. "One is too bossy. Two is too quiet. Three doesn't like me. Four is okay but he's kinda dumb. Six is cool, I guess and Seven is too, but you're different. You're brilliant, Fi, and you talk to me like I'm smart. I know the others don't mean to but they treat me like I'm the baby." She shrugged and then continued as if her words had no affect on him. "Besides, when I hang out with you, it makes me feel like I'm winning all the time." When Eight turned to look at him, she waved her hand in front of his face. "Five? Fi? Are you in there?"

He started. "Of course I am. I— well, I wasn't exactly expecting all that."

"You asked the question," she reminded him helpfully.

"I know." He was quiet for a minute. Then he said, "um, when I hang out with you, it feels like I'm winning, too."

Eight beamed happily at him. "Yay! We can both be winners then."

Her enthusiasm earned her a rare laugh from the boy. "I suppose we can, then. I'm still the best though."

"Of course you are," she agreed without hesitation as if this was proven fact.

He gave her another rarity— a soft, fond smile. "You wanna work on homework together?" 

☂☂☂

"This is so weird," Alexa murmured as they sat at the four-top. Luther sat across from her and the two Fives on either side.

"You're telling me," Luther agreed. "Well, isn't this nice? The four of us, together like this?"

Neither Five broke their staring contest as they sneered, "no."

"Somebody explain to me how it is that I'm having a pint of Guinness with my younger self?"

"Older, actually," young Five corrected him. "I'm you, just fourteen days older."

"Fourteen really shitty days," Alexa put in.

"I have pubic hair smarter than you," Old Five shot back. "How is that possible?"

"I can explain. You see, one hour from now on the grassy knoll before the president is killed, you break your contract with The Commission. I already know you're thinking about it. All those years in the apocalypse, we never stopped worrying about our family. Well today, you're going to do something about it. You are going to attempt to time travel forward to 2019. However, you're going to screw up the jump and end up in this twip of a body. Trapped, forever, small, pubescent—"

"Okay," Old Five said. "Even if I was supposed to believe you, what am I supposed to do, not jump?"

"No, no I need you to jump. If you don't jump, I cease to exist. What I need you to do is jump correctly."

Old Five nodded. "I'm listening."

"The first time through, I got the calculations wrong. That's how I ended up in this body. But now I know the correct calculation."

"What is it?"

"I'll be glad to tell you in exchange for that briefcase you're hiding under the table."

Luther cleared his throat. "Yeah, yeah. So if you jump to 2019 as planned but with the right math so you remain a full grown man. In exchange, we get that briefcase you no longer need."

"Time restored, paradox resolved," Five said as he clenched his fists. A bead of sweat dripped down his face. "Everyone goes on existing happily ever after."

"That's quite a bit to take in."

"What do you think?" young Five asked.

"I think I need to take a piss."

As Old Five left, Alexa reached for a napkin and moved her hand to pad off Five's sweaty face. He swatted her away as Luther commented, "well, besides the flop sweat, that went well."

"No, no, there's something that doesn't feel right with this," Five protested, still staring after his old self.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't trust him," he said firmly,

"But he's you!"

"Exactly."

"I can go talk to him," Alexa offered as she put the napkin down. "He received me rather well, I think."

Five reached out and grabbed her previously occupied hand. A strange, ferocious sort of glint entered his eyes. "Absolutely not. You didn't listen to me the first time and now you're going to stay put."

Luther stood. "I'll go talk to him." He glanced at the blonde. "Try and keep him calm, yeah?"

When she nodded, he left them at the table. Once Luther was out of sight, Alexa leaned over and gently pushed Five's hair out of his face. "Just remember to breathe, okay?" she asked.

The boy nodded as his hands clenched and unclenched on the table. Trying to lighten the mood, the blonde grinned as she returned to her seat. "You know, if your older self was a few years younger I'd be game for a threesome."

Her Five's head shot up and he glared at her. "Alexa!" he hissed as his ears turned red. "Please!"

Her smile grew. "Although, I think I'd have to call one of you something different since you both being Five might get confusing."

"I'm not sharing you with myself."

"Hey," Alexa said and she dropped her teasing tone. She grabbed both of his hands and squeezed them gently. "It's gonna be okay, alright? Trust me on this."

When their eyes met, she saw his expression soften and he gave her hands a gentle squeeze in return. "I-I do trust you," he admitted quietly. "It's going to get worse, though. The paradox psychosis."

She nodded. "And I'm-I'm prepared to do everything necessary to keep both of you alive."

He took a deep breath. "Okay. Yeah, okay. Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"If-if things get bad, don't waste your protection on me."

She quickly released Five's hands and tucked one of hers under the table to cross her fingers out of sight. "I promise."

Luther and Old Five returned then. "Are we good?" Alexa asked.

Her brother nodded. "We're good."

"You got a deal," Old Five said. "We gotta hurry. Kennedy's en route. Less than an hour until showtime."

"Why are you so anxious all of a sudden to get going?" Five asked as he stood up.

"Relax, you're getting paranoid."

"Oh, am I?"

There was a pause and a new smell floated through the air. Alexa covered her nose. "Five!"

Both Fives looked away in embarrassment and said apologized in unison. 

☂☂☂

As the four of them made their way up the steps of the raised bridge, Old Five and Luther walked several feet ahead.

"What are you looking at?" young Five demanded. "See something funny? Mind your business!"

Alexa gave apologetic smiles to the other passerby on the bridge as the boy yelled at them and she tried to shush him slightly to avoid drawing attention to themselves.

"You wish you could pull off these shorts!"

Luther waited for them at the other end. "Hey, guys. How're you doing?"

"He's gonna kill me, isn't he?"

"What?" Alexa exclaimed, feeling fear spike immediately.

Their brother scoffed slightly. "What? What, him? He's gonna kill you." He laughed slightly. "That's ridiculous."

"You know, you're a terrible liar, Luther."

"What do you mean, kill you?" Alexa demanded. "As in end your life?"

Five gave a single nod. "Looks like it, yeah. It's what I would do. You're a worse liar than you are a spotter, Luther."

"Okay, who's fault is that? The only person you listen to is her," Luther pointed to the blonde, who scoffed.

"He doesn't even listen to me."

"So you admit you're conspiring against me?" Five asked.

"Do. . . do you admit you're suffering from paradox psychosis?"

"All I'm suffering from is the bracing clarity about you and your murderous intentions," Five reached up to itch his chest as they made their way down the bridge's stairs.

"Look, it's not like he's going to kill you kill you. He just wants to kill a, uh, version of you."

"Yes, Luther," Alexa said coolly. "It's exactly like that. He is the version of him!"

"Thank you!" Five exclaimed. "Lexa's the only here who's got a clue!"

"Hey, I don't love it either but he's got a pretty good plan."

"What? The one where you guys off me and jump to 2019 to save the world?"

"Yeah. Wait, how did you know about that?" Luther asked with surprise.

Alexa reached up and grasped Five's hand to keep him from itching his face, firmly pulling his arm down so he would quit it.

"Because I'm him and that's exactly what I would do if I were trying to kill me!"

"I'm not going to let that happen," the blonde promised as she gave Five's hand a squeeze. She just had to wait for the right time to transfer her power to him and he'd be safe.

"Okay, all I know is we've got one Five too many and you're the one acting like a maniac."

"Maniac? Luther, you've seen nothing. If you want a maniac, I'll show you maniac." He pulled his hand from hers in irritation. "Leave me alone, Alexa."

"Okay. As your spotter, I think the best thing I can do for you right now is put you out of your misery."

"Misery? Luther!" Alexa exclaimed, aghast. "What, so you're gonna choke him like you did me?"

Her brother at least had the decency to look reasonably abashed.

"Okay, Luther listen," Five said, grabbing his brother's arms. "I know your feeble mind only responds to age and authority, so listen very closely. Yet again, you are experiencing daddy issues." He poked him in the chest. "This time with your own brother, which is honestly making me a bit crazy. But remember this: I'm fourteen days older than him. I have seniority here so it is me you should be listening to, Luther." Then his voice rose: "I'm the daddy here!"

He turned to Alexa then, who was holding back a smile. "And that's what you would call me if we ever did a threesome with my other self."

Immediately, her face flamed red. "Five!" she spluttered, looking wide-eyed at Luther.

"What? What does he mean, Alexa?" her brother demanded.

"Nothing! He means nothing!"

"No, you know very well what I mean," Five insisted. "You said it yourself at the bar when Luther went to the bathroom!"

"That-that was a joke! Jesus, Five—"

"Why would you do a threesome with him?" Luther asked as he pointed to the boy, clearly confused.

Oh my god. She wanted to die right on the spot. The blonde glared accusingly at the boy next to her, who sighed. "Okay, I admit that there is a possibility that I may not be fully in my right mind right now," he allowed as they began walking again.

"Okay, good," Luther said, relieved— because Five and his sister was just too weird to think about.

"But whatever I've got he's got it, too."

"What?"

Old Five called back to them then. "You three, quit grab-assing. We're here."

As they approached the fence, Alexa grabbed her Five's hand and squeezed it again, but this time it was accompanied by a flash of blue light.

"Alexa!" Five nearly snarled, turning on her. "You promised!"

The blonde shook her head. "I crossed my fingers," she said without a hint of regret in her tone.

He held out his hand to her. "Take it back!"

"No way. This is the part where you do something incredibly stupid and I'm not going to risk your life," she said firmly.

In the silence that followed, a new sound arose causing Luther to whisper, "flatulence, stage four."

"See? What's your plan now, bucko? I'm as invulnerable as Alexa is on a daily basis. You can't kill me." He fell into an abashed silence for a minute as he farted as well. "That was just lunch, alright? Shut up."